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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ladies man? Am I being an idiot.....

54 replies

Comerainorshine1 · 10/03/2018 08:24

Please advise! I’ll try to be brief. I separated from my husband (my choice) a couple of years ago. We both got on with our lives but stayed in contact as we have children and it was amicable. He rediscovered a social life including going on to dating sites and I got on with things and had a relationship. Fast forward to a month ago I’m now single and he hasn’t met anyone he really wants to be with. We talked recently and he asked if there was a chance to try again, wanted to date and start from the beginning again. Tbh I had reservations but agreed to dinner. We went out had a great time and he said he still loved me. I asked if he was still using dating sites to which he replied “ no, if I wanted the single life I’d stay as I am but I want to make it work with you”. Since the dinner he has been calling/texting and wants me to go away with him at Easter. Can’t put my finger on it but it doesn’t feel right, so I decided to test it out. I set up a fake profile on a site I know he uses and messaged him saying “ hi, you look lovely I’d like to send you a photo” he replied I instantly saying “ Send away😀” I couldn’t believe it! It’s hardly incriminating but I feel like carrying it in to then have something to show him if I confront him. Am I being unreasonable in that we aren’t officially together yet? I just feel lied to and really don’t trust him

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 10/03/2018 09:11

He has got a bad temper and used to belittle me often it was a terrible thing for the kids to see

Why would you even consider going back to that?

Basically he hasn’t found anyone who wants to date him long term, so he’s sniffing around you again faute de mieux. Maybe the other women didn’t like his temper either.

Gabilan · 10/03/2018 09:11

He has got a bad temper and used to belittle me often it was a terrible thing for the kids to see

He won't have changed. As you say, he wants to have his cake and eat it. It's' not that he's still on dating sites - it's that he lied about it. If I were on one of those sites and found out a man I liked the look of was also trying to get back with his ex wife I'd avoid him. You should too.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 10/03/2018 09:11

He will still have a bad temper and once comfortable he will begin again with the belittling. You did well leaving him before, trust that woman-you-were's judgement and stay away. This niceness now is just to woo you back, it is not permanent.
And a billion times better for the children that you are able to be amicable.

FantasticButtocks · 10/03/2018 09:14

He's your ex for a reason. The very fact you felt uneasy and set up that trap on the dating site speaks volumes. To get back with the dc's father would be a massive thing for the DCs so don't go down that route only to backtrack, because it will damage your children if they have to go through their parents breaking up all over again.?

Why would you want to be with someone bad tempered who has belittled you, makes no sense.

Izzy24 · 10/03/2018 09:14

You asked him a direct question.

He told you a direct lie.

End.

Mix56 · 10/03/2018 09:17

This is not a game, He is lying to you, & as you say, its very real for the DC,
Sure he misses the family unit, wants the confort & bonhommie ...... except he hasn't changed.
You'd have to be a Poker player to take him back.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/03/2018 09:17

He has got a bad temper and used to belittle me

and you used to put up with it. Maybe he is finding that other women out there cut him dead after finding out what he's really like, and he thinks he might get longer out of you, as he knows which buttons to push to make you feel guilty.

Unless he's had counselling/treatment for his temper, has come to realise what he did and how badly he behaved, is genuinely sorry and wants to work with you on a relationship, he's just after getting you back because he knows you'll tolerate his shit.

SleepFreeZone · 10/03/2018 09:19

Nope. Don’t go back. It won’t work OP, it’s comfortable that’s all.

Lalliella · 10/03/2018 09:19

send a photo of yourself and ask if he likes Pina Coladas

^^ this. Nice one Fluffy.

OP, once bitten and all that, don’t get your fingers burned twice. (Sorry for the mixed metaphors!)

mimibunz · 10/03/2018 09:20

Definitely send him your picture!

Esspee · 10/03/2018 09:23

To answer your question OP - yes you are being an idiot. RUN!

Gabilan · 10/03/2018 09:28

Definitely send him your picture!

To which he'll say "see, we were meant for each other. You found my profile and liked it and messaged me". Yes, I know that sounds dumb. But if he's manipulative and belittling he might just try it.

LeighaJ · 10/03/2018 09:37

I've only seen one instance of a couple that divorced getting back together and it actually worked out. They had divorced because he fell into drug addiction and became a different person, he's now been sober for many years and they were apart about 30 years I think. He actually is a different man.

Your ex doesn't sound like a changed man, if anything he sounds worse. His dating life probably hasn't been successful in getting a long-term relationship for the same reasons you divorced him.

ArchchancellorsHat · 10/03/2018 09:42

No, you split up for a good reason, keep it that way.

Don't drop him because of the profile, or even the stupid lie, drop him because you deserve better. Single life is better than living with someone who has a bad temper and belittles yo, especially in front of the children.

AllTheChocolate · 10/03/2018 09:43

I went back to my partner thinking he had changed. I was wrong and ended up back where I was but worse, and I have to face the fact that my unhappiness was entirely foreseeable and people tried to warn me. The reasons why you left your husband are very unlikely to be gone. You could expect to see the temper and belittling back as soon as he felt comfortable.

0ccamsRazor · 10/03/2018 09:45

He has got a bad temper and used to belittle me often it was a terrible thing for the kids to see

And you wonder if you should go back to him?

That sentence alone is reason enough to steer clear, added to the fact that he is a lying shit, why would you be considering going back with him?

Billben · 10/03/2018 09:48

He probably realised that even using dating sites it’s not that easy to find somebody who will put up with him long term. He knows that you might because of your past together. But he wants to keep his options open of course.
Don’t be a fool and go back to him. He will just “settle” for you with no respect and the belittling will continue.

Olympiathequeen · 10/03/2018 09:52

You would be mad to get together again with someone who has blatently lied to you and who is argumentative and sounds very deceptive and underhand

Beeziekn33ze · 10/03/2018 09:56

You can't trust him in more than one way. You really are better off without him. The occasional meeting if you really want to but a big no to going away with him for a night. A leopard who doesn't want to change his spots.

Follyfoot · 10/03/2018 09:57

Please don't go back to him, everyone deserves a relationship where they are treated well. He's in the 'charm' phase that abusive men are so good at.

Also, you say that there are children to consider - in that case, definitely don't go back. How awful for them to grow up with a man who shouts and and belittles their mother.

Finally, if he has a bad temper, please ignore the advice to send a photo of yourself. That's really not sensible.

Original poster
Comerainorshine1 · 10/03/2018 09:58

I know you’re all right, I just feel like confronting him but at the same time don’t want him to know I’ve set him up. He is the type of person to tell people “ she is crazy she trapped me in a dating site” to turn it around and I don’t want to look like that!

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 10/03/2018 10:20

You don't have to give him an explanation.
Just say you have had second thoughts, and you are not interested in going back.
Keep your knowledge to yourself.
You can do much better.

TatianaLarina · 10/03/2018 10:53

Don’t walk into that trap then.

Just say ‘I ended the relationship for good reasons, I’ve remembered how awful you were I don’t want to go back’.

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 10/03/2018 11:33

What Tatiana said or not even that, just drift away and gradually stop engaging. If he asks outright then what Tatiana said but if he is foul tempered shy subject yourself to one more minute of his 'personality'.
Once the kids get to thinking you might be getting back together you might feel pressure to do so and then you are no further forward than before so a strong message now is probably the answer, couched in a way to avoid his coming out with 'my ex is a nutter' tye stuff. I suspect he will say those things anyway but it will be worth hearing that sort of thing third hand just to be free.

Original poster
Comerainorshine1 · 11/03/2018 15:22

Update** I was determined not to confront him wanted to be the bigger person but he asked for her number. I lost it and said he was a lying piece of shit! He has left it a few hours but come back with “ I knew it was you on the profile” what a dick

OP posts: