To find this enormous chip of dh's shoulder hard to manage.

[TiffanyDoggett]

Case one: he was looking through a local FB site and read aloud a request posted, regarding some land to rent for their daughters horse. He scoffed and said "it's ridiculous isn't it?". I knew what was coming. He wanted me to agree that it was ridiculous that some people have the money for expensive hobbies. And that it somehow made them snobbish or arrogant.

Case 2: whenever we talk about our childhoods and I might mention a favourite food that was branded (as in I loved Solero ice creams, not exactly finest grade cavier) he will always counter that with a tale of how each sibling would be allowed half a choc ice or similar and that I have no idea how privileged I was.

Case 3: he looks down on friends of my family simply because 'they're posh' and says of my family that we're ok because we're exceptions to the rule. After meeting people he will mock their accents with me in private.

We come from quite different backgrounds financially and I do appreciate he had very little in the way of financial stability growing up whereas I was fortunate to never witness money 'as an issue' growing up. Both of us are from hard working families and I've had to work and study hard to further my career as has he. It doesn't usually bother me but sometimes I get a bit tired of the little jabs just because I was fortunate enough to have sailing, riding, piano lessons or whatever. I would never judge someone on class or accent and think it's unfair that he does. Am I being insensitive or unreasonable?

You don't say how old you both are, I am guessing quite young.
I daresay he might grow out of this. I used to take a lot of shit off working class heroes but it hasn't happened for years now.
Not since we became real grown ups.

btw I bought a pony for my DD for £130 guineas (you could explain to him that only horses are still sold in Guineas, and it means a pound and five pence) and she lived in a rented field. We couldn't even afford a saddle til later, and then it was someone's old breaking saddle. We did it on a shoestring.

So tell him to take that massive chip off his shoulder and grow up. If he wants better things than he had as a child, then he will have to work hard for them.

However, insecurity that comes from different economic circumstances is seen as unacceptable.

I’m not sure it’s that but that the OP doesn’t want to be made to feel guilty for something that she didn’t do, especially when she is on his side.

Really interested in this thread for advice / strategies!
My DP is in his fifties and still carries an enormous chip although it manifests itself as huge insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, more than overt comments in front of others. The comments tend to be reserved for when we are alone. He does have a thing about people he considers to be 'snobs' though, most of whom (IMO) are nothing of the kind.
I think that it's really sad and such a pointless and joyless waste of time. I do try to have sympathy and talk him through his views but tbh, after years of the same record I often end up telling him to get over himself and stop being an idiot / arse. I just wish that I had the answer!

"And people did sometimes - usually unintentionally - make me feel wrong or stupid."

Harriet- brilliant post.

I think there is a kind of blindness amongst the middle class about the extent to which they are saying/doing things that are hurtful, snobby and exclusive. I think the same blindness used to exist in race and gender terrms, but that there is more consciousness about those categories now (I'm absolutely NOT saying that the problems of racism or sexism have gone away - they absolutely haven't - merely that there is a little more self-conscious awareness of them).

I am working class by background, now middle class in income terms. I received a message from a middle class friend yesterday about her woes in buying a £500k second home near where I grew up. She has found the ideal cottage, you see, but there are proposals for a large expansion of housing near there for the working class. So she is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, that she may have to let the ideal place go because she would otherwise be forced to live near people like me. I think she probably is that self-absorbed that she doesn't realise how discriminatory and hurtful this is.

I had a bit of a smile at one of the first posters who said their parents worked several jobs to afford ponies - you’d have to be fairly blinkered not to know that some people do this to afford food.

I think the poster who mentioned different types of inequality is spot on. Whilst it can be tiresome we are all shaped by our early experiences and they can be hard to shake off.

I think there is a kind of blindness amongst the middle class about the extent to which they are saying/doing things that are hurtful, snobby and exclusive

Isn’t the point of the thread the blindness of OP’s DH to the extent to which he is saying things are hurtful, inverse snobby and exclusive?

Sneering, snorting, mocking accents etc..

I had a bit of a smile at one of the first posters who said their parents worked several jobs to afford ponies - you’d have to be fairly blinkered not to know that some people do this to afford food.

Why would you think they don’t know that? They’re making a different point - differentiating themselves from people who own ponies who have so much money they can fund it without blinking, and those who had to work very hard to afford it as a hobby.

YANBU. My family struggled financially when I was a child but that doesn’t mean that I then think that there is something wrong with people enjoying the money that they have and I most certainly don’t make fun if people for speaking correctly. The reason why I don’t behave this way is because i’m not a dick.

My DH does similar eg saying a TV program or something is "so middle class" in a sneering way. We also come from different backgrounds. Pisses me off too.

" 'It's the same thing as complaining that a woman mentions her battles against sexism, or someone from the BME community their encounters with racism. These things aren't a 'chip', they're structural inequalities that have a big impact on someone's life experience.'

"But he's not talking thoughtfully and honestly about the ways in which class has shaped his life, he's mocking other people's accents and going on about having to have cheap ice cream."

In fact, he is mocking other people's accents and being bitter about their cheap ice creams while enjoying expensive restaurant meals and nights at the pub. This at a time when other families are having to resort to food banks to feed their children. Insensitive and offensive.

I grew up with a maternal grandfather and a dad who had both known real poverty, as in worrying-about-not-getting-enough-to-eat poverty. Both very committed to seeing a better world not only for their own children, but for all children. But also both lovely men who would never have dreamt of sneering at other people for circumstances that were out of their control.

YANBU, this sort of thing gets very wearing.

I found a simple, "shut the F" up & stop dwelling on your supposed past you miserable old git" repeated ad hoc, has done the trick. Any resistance in the early days was countered with. So how come DSIL seems to have grown up unscathed, oh yeah, she isn't a maudlin ball of envious self pity like you

These days I get the odd flurry of it when he's had too much to drink, but in general he's learnt to keep his negativity to himself & he's lovely otherwise

I had the same with an ex boyfriend, hence why he's an ex, always whinging that I had everything he didn't as a child, like that was my fault, like I had anything to do with the fact his parents claimed benefits and didn't work due to 'medical issues' his dads was tennis elbow and his mums was aggravated hips attained during three pregnancys, I digress, I had a pony, and ducks and a bloody field and this was the worst thing ever to him, I like nice clothes, and expensive handbags and shoes, but I work for them, the final straw was when my (divorced) parents bought me a vv expensive watch, for my 21st, he made my life hell, so I gave the watch back. At this point I had a 4 almost five year old and worked four jobs so we could have nice things. He resented EVERYTHING I had or did, even when invited to a wedding and I took him for a nice suit, he threw it back at me when drunk, I ended it shortly after, and took my nice shoes somewhere else!! Even then he told people that I was too stuck up for him so he ended it!!! I see him now, cycling to work because he never learnt to drive, working cash in hand and claiming. Leopards and spots and all that.