To find this enormous chip of dh's shoulder hard to manage.

[TiffanyDoggett]

Case one: he was looking through a local FB site and read aloud a request posted, regarding some land to rent for their daughters horse. He scoffed and said "it's ridiculous isn't it?". I knew what was coming. He wanted me to agree that it was ridiculous that some people have the money for expensive hobbies. And that it somehow made them snobbish or arrogant.

Case 2: whenever we talk about our childhoods and I might mention a favourite food that was branded (as in I loved Solero ice creams, not exactly finest grade cavier) he will always counter that with a tale of how each sibling would be allowed half a choc ice or similar and that I have no idea how privileged I was.

Case 3: he looks down on friends of my family simply because 'they're posh' and says of my family that we're ok because we're exceptions to the rule. After meeting people he will mock their accents with me in private.

We come from quite different backgrounds financially and I do appreciate he had very little in the way of financial stability growing up whereas I was fortunate to never witness money 'as an issue' growing up. Both of us are from hard working families and I've had to work and study hard to further my career as has he. It doesn't usually bother me but sometimes I get a bit tired of the little jabs just because I was fortunate enough to have sailing, riding, piano lessons or whatever. I would never judge someone on class or accent and think it's unfair that he does. Am I being insensitive or unreasonable?

Yep, the pub and eating out both count! I would wait until your next meal out and just as he has a mouth full of steak mention that he doesn’t realise how lucky he is to be able to eat out in a nice restaurant and wash it down with a nice glass of wine/beer/whatever. Tell him it’s pretty arrogant of him actually

In the gentlest possible way, I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

It's the same thing as complaining that a woman mentions her battles against sexism, or someone from the BME community their encounters with racism. These things aren't a 'chip', they're structural inequalities that have a big impact on someone's life experience. Class is no different. I think the middle classes right now are really quite blind to what a difference economic inequalities make - not just in terms of real poverty, but in terms of cultural barriers of taste and discrimination that are still very active today (and on this very site, in fact).

However, I understand that it can make you feel defensive. I have a friend from a BME community who talks about racism a lot, and as a white woman I sometimes feel so ashamed about what she has been through, but also almost personally attacked by the fact that these issues are brought up with me, someone who tries not to be racist. I have to remind myself that this listening is a kind of debt I owe by virtue of the fact that I haven't experienced those same things, and a kind of support I can lend.

She, however, doesn't return the favour unfortunately. In fact, she is happy to call working class people (like me) 'chavs'!! I find this lack of solidarity annoying at times - and I would say the same thing about your partner. His class status doesn't "beat" your status as a woman who has experienced sexism. It's important that there is space for both of you to discuss this together, and not in a spirit of oneupmanship.

I imagined that this thread was about an enormous irremovable piece of deep-fried potato attached to your husband, which was - understandably difficult to manage.

I occasionally find the assumptions of the relatively well-off who - it goes without saying worked very very hard for everything they've got (unlike nurses and cleaners and hospital porters who basically just piss about all day and make no effort and could all have owned their homes in Chelsea if only they'd tried a a bit harder) - slightly irritating.

Ugh, my BIL is like this. Worse still, he's infected my sister, who now tries to emphasise our 'working class' background at every turn.

They're always going on about how brilliant the working class are, and how we should support the football teams with working class roots and blah blah blah.

Being any class is nothing to be ashamed of or proud of. It's a fluke of birth. My family on my father's side have a family crest, a Latin motto, Royal family connections, a Barony. On my mum's side, working class socialists. It's the personalities involved, not the heritage, that make my mum's side of the family thoroughly worth avoiding.

You need to invite someone round for dinner (I'm available haha) who's into one upmanship, a bit like the Yorkshiremen sketch that's been mentioned 'you had a half a choc ice? Luxury. We were lucky to have a bit of ice chiselled from the freezer'

I went to uni with a girl who constantly told me how much better she was and how much harder she'd had to work than me to be there because she thought her family was poor and mine were rich. Couldn't be further from the truth but I just smiled. Silly cow

I can kind of see where he's coming from. Can you not see that saying your families had to work hard to be able to afford horses and piano lessons, etc. could be seen as quite crass to someone whose family had to also work just as hard just to afford the basics, like food and heat?

I can see that it would be annoying if he was constantly harping on about it. It does make you think though.

He’s chosen to marry OP, he knows her background, surely he’s made peace with it by now?

My DH had a much easier time financially growing up than I did. My parents were constantly worried about money, there was always stress about it. But I really don’t care about my DH’s background at all.

Like I said there will always be people who have more than you, are you going to be angry with all of them?

Reverse snobbery is as bad as snobbery.
My MIL makes a huge deal about being northern and how much better and friendlier northerners are than southerners.
And then proceeds to mock my accent all afternoon as though it's some huge joke.
The whole thing is tiresome. Some people are born fortunate, some not. Some people earn it and some don't.
Who the fuck cares anyway.

It's the same thing as complaining that a woman mentions her battles against sexism, or someone from the BME community their encounters with racism. These things aren't a 'chip', they're structural inequalities that have a big impact on someone's life experience.

But he's not talking thoughtfully and honestly about the ways in which class has shaped his life, he's mocking other people's accents and going on about having to have cheap ice cream. Of course we can (and should) have conversations about privilege, and of course they can feel uncomfortable for the privilege, but that doesn't mean that no one is ever being irritating in the way OP describes. My ex who called me 'the girl from Common People' wasn't engaging in insightful social analysis, he was being a twat.

Can you not see that saying your families had to work hard to be able to afford horses and piano lessons, etc. could be seen as quite crass to someone whose family had to also work just as hard just to afford the basics, like food and heat?

But she's not saying anything. She's enduring him randomly and spontaneously criticising, looking down on and mocking people who have more money than he thinks is decent.

Yes. Well I did go on to qualify what I said. So that's kind of out of context.

As much as my partners chippy defensiveness aggrevates me occasionally it's fairly limited to issues around child murdering 4x4s, private schools, and tutoring. I try and let it wash over me. He's not perfect but I'm reminded that he's not a total inverted snob knob like my BIL who loves nothing more than saying "oh well you were BBC kids" with a sneer whenever something remotely happy from our childhood is bought up, as if we should be ashamed or embarrassed! My sister consequently plays it down and has started picking up some of his traits. Gross.

Pointing out social inequalities is one thing. What the op seems describe is someone bitter.

Is he as quick to criticise men who play golf? Or who go on stag parties abroad? Or regular lads' holidays? All expensive hobbies.

It strikes me - in general, not re your DP in particular - that girls with ponies are disproportionately mocked in the 'lucky, rich and posh' stakes. It might be to do with historic associations between the upper classes and horses but does seem to imply something about people being really rich if 'even the women' have expensive hobbies.

Mocking people's accents is just horrible, whoever they are.

He should be able to explain his background and life experience to you without being nasty about anyone.

He just sounds like someone with limited life experience, who isn't interested in people or the wider world but prefers to live in a limited little bubble of his own making. Boring.

Do you know the Monty Python sketch, The Four Yorkshire Men, you'll find it on You Tube. I would repeat lines from it to dh everytime he does this.

Agree with Moominfan. Social inequalities are unfair, the hierarchical system that we live with is intrinsically unfair. Talking about that is important. Bitterness about it in a totally me, me, me way is not about finding the system unfair, but about envy and refusing to acknowledge ones own privilege, which as a white bloke living a life of relative comfort, he certainly has.

Even envy is okay, as long as one keeps it to oneself. I grew up working class and from the age of ten, when my father died, we were pretty much dirt poor and there were other things about this period that went beyond poverty to make life miserable at the very least. I worked my way into being comfortable financially, but I was aware that I never had a safety boat. I'm poor again now, due to disability. Them's the breaks. All of my friends are in far better circumstances than me. As we get older, many are losing parents and inheriting stuff - I lost my mum in my thirties - which obviously doesn't make up for the loss of a parent, but ... And these things make me envious, the comfort, the ability to go abroad when they want, owning their own homes, some mortgage free, etc. I would love to have those things, but to be chippy about it. To resent them because of it. That would just be horrible. They are all good people, they've all worked hard, yes they had a better starting place than me, but that's just the luck of the draw in this society we live in. I would like to have some of what they do, but I don't, so that's just the way it is. In fact I do have or had a friend in a similar position to mine, she complained so much about what other people like my friends, or even my friends, and how unfair it was and on and on and on. Even I was better off than her, according to her. We've not spoken for over a year and it's been a great help to my anxiety levels.

Pretty much everyone has horses where we live whatever their background. I do without (fon't drink, smoke, take holidays, run a flash car, buy on credit, have lunch at cafes etc in order that DD has 'posh hobbies' or as i like to call them 'opportunities in life'. Nothing worse than inverted snobbery as it taints everyday with bitterness.

"My mum worked three jobs to afford our competition ponies. "

Your poor DM! Why give yourself a shit life to have ponies. And you going without heating!

I have a chip on my shoulder and mainly for the methods used to gain the wealth (e.g liquidation of Lublin).

I was actually on benefits when we had a pony. I didn't commit any fraud just managed my money very carefully.

While I agree there are structural inequalities, poverty is hard to get out of, wealth begets wealth and a person doesn't have to have all the answers, or even the questions, to express disgruntlement with unfairness... taking that out on other people as individuals, just because they were born where they were born, is small-minded and unkind.

Discussing issues with people, sharing experiences, is one thing. Sneering at people is another.

Thank you for all the insightful replies. I am aware more and more of how unaware I was about class inequalities and have always been open to learning. He is as reverse snobby about lads skiing holidays as he his 'pony girls' so there's no deep seated mysogyny (sp) there!

I do see that his childhood was far more difficult than mine for various reasons but as many posters have said, this is luck of the draw as to whether you're born into which ever class. My mum was brought up with a sort of lifestyle that would seem alien to me (nannies, housekeeper, groundskeeper etc) and I know when we've met up with some distant relatives on her side I've felt a bit uncomfortable but I've managed not to scorn or mock them for being uber posh behind there backs!!

You could try telling him that every time he sneers at someone for their accent/class/social status he goes down a little bit more in your estimation. Which is probably true.