To find this enormous chip of dh's shoulder hard to manage.

[TiffanyDoggett]

Case one: he was looking through a local FB site and read aloud a request posted, regarding some land to rent for their daughters horse. He scoffed and said "it's ridiculous isn't it?". I knew what was coming. He wanted me to agree that it was ridiculous that some people have the money for expensive hobbies. And that it somehow made them snobbish or arrogant.

Case 2: whenever we talk about our childhoods and I might mention a favourite food that was branded (as in I loved Solero ice creams, not exactly finest grade cavier) he will always counter that with a tale of how each sibling would be allowed half a choc ice or similar and that I have no idea how privileged I was.

Case 3: he looks down on friends of my family simply because 'they're posh' and says of my family that we're ok because we're exceptions to the rule. After meeting people he will mock their accents with me in private.

We come from quite different backgrounds financially and I do appreciate he had very little in the way of financial stability growing up whereas I was fortunate to never witness money 'as an issue' growing up. Both of us are from hard working families and I've had to work and study hard to further my career as has he. It doesn't usually bother me but sometimes I get a bit tired of the little jabs just because I was fortunate enough to have sailing, riding, piano lessons or whatever. I would never judge someone on class or accent and think it's unfair that he does. Am I being insensitive or unreasonable?

Poor you! He'll give himself an ulcer with all that bitterness eating him up.

YANBU - it's annoying. My younger DSis is like this. My older DSis is very successful- but she works bloody hard and I am so proud of her. I've worked hard and I have a great career, not the same as older DSis but good. Younger DSis had one hell of a chip, expects us to pay her way and constantly makes jibes about money. I don't hang out with her much anymore. I just can't be arsed with it. (FYI we were all brought up the same by a very skint single a wc mum, we were all encouraged to go to uni and all got a degree)

Agree with the poster who said the girls with ponies get particularly picked on for being ‘rich’.

EXdh and his family constantly made snide/bitter remarks about how I must be rich because I had a horse. I was never allowed to moan about my car costing a lot to MOT for example, or that I couldn’t attend a social occasion as I didn’t have any spare money. Because you know, I had a horse.

When I pointed out that they spend more per HEAD on cigarettes per week I’m that house that I did on one horse, it didn’t go down well... coz you know, stinking cancer causing cigarettes are a poor mans comfort, but a healthy outdoor activity makes the person doing it a snob apparently. (This was a direct quote from exPIL, not my personal opinion)

Also had friends make comments to about me being rich. This from lads who regularly do week long stag dos abroad and who spend £100 on a night out several times a month etc and walk around in fancy clothes. Or girls who spend £100 in hairdressers every six weeks and have manicures and pedicures etc. I don’t have any of those things, (my choice) because I would rather have my horse. But somehow no one ever sees it like that when horses are involved. Speaking to other horsey friends I am not alone in experiencing this.

Mind you, what a first world problem to have. Blinkin grateful I can afford any of it really.

Do you have children? If you do be very careful he doesn't pass on his bitter outlook, and restrict their horizons.

I was actually on benefits when we had a pony. I didn't commit any fraud just managed my money very carefully.

The mind boggles.

He's an inverted snob. His comments probably stem from a deep seated envy.

Every time he does it just say that's inverted snobbery, Don't do it.

And change thr conversation topic or walk away

I grew up in a very poor environment, a sink council estate in a shithole industrial town in Derbyshire in the 80’s. I hated the rich, posh Tories and what they did to our community.

Unsurprisingly, I was more than a little chippy when I was younger. Fortunately, I had the benefit of an education which enabled me to meet people from many different backgrounds. This knocked a few rough edges off, and I learned to take people as I found them.

I am now, by any sensible definition, middle class but, if i’m honest, I still despise inherited privilege. I try very hard not to let that influence the way I treat people.

What does 'like the girl in Common People' mean?

The girl in common people refers to the Pulp song about a rich girl and how she will never really understand what it isn't like to be poor / common.

Same problem as OP

I can see why you find it annoying. My father was (thankfully WAS) like that but not anymore. It didn’t allow us to enjoy anything that he could consider posh or privileged. I remember him having a big go at me for buying a sporty car, it wasn’t expensive but he was just going on and on on who did I think I was and who I was pretending to be.

I don’t know what made him stop, but he is not doing it anymore. He is not bowing to poshness at all yet but he is not so actively criticising it either and that is a big relief.

So, there is hope.

There is no glory is being poor. Mind you, there is none in being rich either. But if you are a cunt you are a cunt, in a sink estate or a mansion.

I'd find chippiness hard to accept in a partner as it smacks of insecurity and lack of self confidence.

It's a negativity thing as well, just unsexy!

I had an interesting conversation with one of my daughter's friends mother one day, it went along the lines of how she wished she could afford ponies for her children (we had 2 at the time, they lived in a field we own behind our house). In context, we are 15-20 years older so had saved a lot longer before family, hence owning the field....but a lady around the corner was paying £50/month rent for similar.
I said it was a shame we couldn't afford a family holiday in the sun, not that we can go due to the animals...she said 'Oh it's not THAT expensive only (a figure)'. So I divvied it up by 12 and worked out actually we spent LESS on the 2 ponies than she did on her holiday, even allowing if we rented a field!

Really depends what your priorities are. Have to say ponies were a lot cheaper than daughter wanting to go to the cinema or go out where I had to take her in the car - as it was all her friends came to ride so I knew where she was and what she was doing & saved a fortune in fuel by not running around after her.

I will cite the experience of my nephew & fiance not buying lunch/coffee out daily like their friends but making their own sandwiches at home = saved a decent sized house deposit in 3 years, so they've bought while their friends wonder how they'll ever afford it

I came from a poor family compared to the friends I met at university and those I have now, having moved into middle class circles by virtue of my education, and I do, I really do, feel resentful when I listen to people talking about their ponies and skiing holidays and villas in the sun etc. I know I shouldn't but it's so hard not to.

I get particularly angry when I hear people who have actually very lovely lives complaining about how hard done by they are, and how victimised they are by taxation levels or private school fees or whatever.

However, I can quite understand how you would get pig sick of being held personally responsible for the unfairness of the social and financial structure of the U.K. on a daily basis and I think it would be perfectly reasonable to tell him to STFU every single time he makes a snarky remark.

*I'd find chippiness hard to accept in a partner as it smacks of insecurity and lack of self confidence.

It's a negativity thing as well, just unsexy!*

It's weird though.

On Mumsnet women in particular are allowed to be insecure and unconfident about all sorts of things - their weight and diet, the cleanliness of their houses, their perceived sexual attractiveness and dress sense.

However, insecurity that comes from different economic circumstances is seen as unacceptable. Although my background was relatively comfortable, when I was 18 I ended up in a social environment that was inhabited and shaped by people whose lives were 'richer' - culturally and financially. It was difficult, like learning to live in a foreign country. And people did sometimes - usually unintentionally - make me feel wrong or stupid.

I think ideally there should be give and take on both sides. Often people's conversation is - though they may not perceive it - quite boastful. They like to talk about their possessions and experiences (property, travel) and this may help to highlight how socially divided our world is.

I actually prefer talking about the subjects a lot of people think are best avoided - books, politics, religion etc - because accessing them doesn't depend so much on how much money you have.

(I do get the point about ponies not costing more than holidays and booze/cigarettes. Though if you live in the city you also have to factor in a great deal of petrol for driving backwards and forwards to where the pony is kept.)

It’s not insecurity that’s the problem, that is understandable. It’s the coating bitterness, anger and resentment that’s unpleasant and unattractive.

If he just admitted he felt insecure and didn’t sneer or despire or mock people, it would be so much easier to deal with.

Sounds to me like a jealousy issue.

Tell him to concentrate on your life now and not feed off what others are doing.

My sister is a jealous person - I couldn’t hive a damn what prople have/are doing (we had the same upbringing) I have pointed out to her many times the people having exotic holidays etc may be up to there eyes in credit card debt - Live & let live - life is too short to get stressed over things you can’t control.

My father grew up on a farm which had no running water, a pump in the yard, no central heating, frost on the inside of the window panes in winter.

But I have never in all my life ever heard him be angry or resentful or bitter or envious about what other people grew up with. He simply doesn’t care about what other people have or had, or relate that to himself. Nor does he feel hard done by.

My mother on the other hand, who grew up in a naice middle class house in Surrey, can sometimes be envious and angry about wealth.

I don’t think it’s about what you have, there are many in the world who had a lot less than OP’s DH. I think it’s about how you feel about yourself and other people.

My sister is a jealous person - I couldn’t hive a damn what prople have/are doing (we had the same upbringing) I have pointed out to her many times the people having exotic holidays etc may be up to there eyes in credit card debt - Live & let live - life is too short to get stressed over things you can’t control.

Xpost I agree. As per my post - my mum is a jealous person my father is not. Some people care about what others have and some don’t.

Really? Half a choc ice? When you could buy a whole packet for about a £1 from Iceland? I've known what it's like to not have money and free school meals but manners cost nothing. I suspect people would say I'm quite posh even. Mocking people is just rude, that's nothing to do with class or money. He needs to get over himself.

He is insecure and hurting you. I am sorry. Our dd was dating a young man like him, it was difficult to be around him.

Would he feel the same way if he was himself in a position to afford expensive hobbies, OP? Or would he consider them a waste of money?

I'm talking about being wealthy enough to not consider the cost of the hobbies, not "just being able to afford them with a bit of cutting back".

I think that is always the measure of this sort of reaction - whether it's plain inverse snobbery or just envy.

I have a family member who is envious of other family members having more "wealth" (relative) than her. But she is a total spendthrift and wastes money when she has it, then whinges about having none. She is constantly in need of rescuing financially (takes after her mother) but she doesn't see it as her fault, she just resents others who have more money as being "lucky". If she had more wealth, her inverse snobbery would almost certainly either disappear, or her sights would be set higher! (Like the fisherman's wife in the fable)

have you ( I'm sure you have) put it to him if rolls were reversed.froget he had hard life so would therefore be more sensitive but that from the get go he had all the money.and he couldgive you your horse and all the hobbies you both wished.how would he live/feel etc.
if you have money your lucky.as long as you know this then why shouldn't you enjoy it.otherwsie we are all just miserable.
be kind with it.be generous and sensitive is very different from not ever mentioning it or not being proud when you get a horse!hell iwould be overjoyed and want to semi shout it from the roof tops.its hard. and youd be tactful. it would be different if these people were intentionaly being cruel or gloating. but people cant always help mentioning money around people who don't have as much.becasue sadly yes but sadly we all have different.doesnt stop it sucking.or sometimes being reeeeeally unfairly shared out. but you have to really try to feel grateful for the good things you do have.try really hard to search for them so that you can be ok in what you have.

Aren't men boring when they moan on about things they can't change or have no control over?