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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to sue my parents for smacking me/child abuse?

75 replies

SofieMonde · 09/03/2018 12:55

After just finding out as an adult that they had marital problems and I was often scapegoated.
They have admitted to me as an adult that they had to smack me as I was a difficult child and could never sleep, was difficult to feed and comfort.

I have seen them smack my nephew on several occasions and threaten to "Shut you in the shed as you are a naughty boy". My brother has also seen them smack his children in front of him and limited access to the grandchildren. I am now pretty sure this is how they treated me. I have had a lifetime of mental health problems, anxiety, depression etc and have never understood why I cannot cope. Now after reading this information it would explain a lot.

Only the other day I witnessed them smacking my nephew again. Should I report this to the police? I am still processing this and what I have discovered recently and am very unsure as to what to do.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 09/03/2018 12:57

Tell your brother they are snaking his children

Perhaps it would be helpful to go no contact with your family

QuiteLikely5 · 09/03/2018 12:57

Smacking

Bexter801 · 09/03/2018 13:01

I'd advise your nephews parents of what's going on. How old is he? As for you,would you consider asking your parents,on what planet do they think it's okay to scare the life out of any child? You obviously need answers from your own childhood,and they need to stop this cycle

StickingWithIt · 09/03/2018 13:01

The police won't get involved on either count but you could point out to your parents that it is not ok for them to smack your nephew, and tell both his parents so they can deal with it.

I was smacked, as were an awful lot of people my age when they were younger. I don't count the smacking as abuse personally, but perhaps some counselling would help you deal with your emotions around your childhood.

Bexter801 · 09/03/2018 13:02

Also have you spoken to your brother,did they do this to him as a kid?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 09/03/2018 13:04

Don't bother telling your db - he will likely normalise it if he too was hit as a dc. . Tell your sil. She should know how her ds is being treated.

restingbemusedface · 09/03/2018 13:05

If I found out someone was smacking my child I would smack them back. Smack your mum and see how she likes it.

Kingsclerelass · 09/03/2018 13:07

It depends what you mean by smacking but I don't think suing them would work because it was the norm at the time. The same is probably true of 70% of people over 50. Plus getting smacked as a child does not necessarily lead to depression .

Your brother knows about your dps and his children so he might feel it is his call on what action to take. Maybe talk to him. If you are in England, smacking isn't actually illegal as long as it doesn't leave a mark (it's called reasonable chastisement).

I know it's infuriating but agree with QuiteLikely, if you are very upset with them, going NC seems the best move.

CavoliRiscaldati · 09/03/2018 13:10

tell your brother about the smacking and let him deal with it.

I have been smacked by my parents, so have most of my friends, none of us has been left remotely traumatised, anxious or anything and most of us are still very close to our parents.

You should get help with your issues, but I doubt they only come from a few slaps as a child. Parenting is not abuse. If you have been punched in the face, it's assault, not the same at all as a smacked bottom or a slap.

UpstartCrow · 09/03/2018 13:10

You can phone the NSPCC for advice to help protect children from them, then think about what you want to do for yourself.

sunshine99789 · 09/03/2018 13:12

This is a whooooole can of worms.

There's discipline and There's abuse.

My mom used to constantly tell me she was calling the naughty childrens home to come and collect me and take me away...to me, this is mental abuse for a 7+ year old. But some people may not have any issue with it.

IMHO, I would raise the subject with DB or as someone else suggested SIL

Deshasafraisy · 09/03/2018 13:12

I was smacked as a child, it wasn’t uncommon back then. But they should definitely not be hitting your nephew. This needs dealt with- stuck up for the child.

deno · 09/03/2018 13:17

Suing is civil law; the police are criminal law.

If you want to sue, you need to talk to lawyers. The police don't come into it.

blueskyinmarch · 09/03/2018 13:25

Issue 1- your parents smacking you. You say they have told you about this but you don't say you recall this. Do you recall it? If not you are going to fond it hard to give an account of what happened.

Issue 2- your parents smacking your nephew. Is this a smack with an open hand over clothes to bum, back of legs which leaves no mark (not against the law). Or is it a full punch or blow using an object, possibly to the head, which leaves marks (against the law)?

whiskyowl · 09/03/2018 13:26

I am sorry you had the upbringing that you did.

I was smacked and quite violently hit as a child. It wasn't a disciplinary thing, it was my mother completely losing all control and coming at me with fists, and anything else she could lay her hands on. She would also deprive me of sleep until I begged her to stop, and withdraw food. And I wasn't allowed to leave the house except at highly controlled times.

I understand what you are saying about this having long-term consequences. I struggle with those same thoughts and feelings. It does terrible things to your sense of self-worth. In my case, my sister did not have the same treatment, and it took me until my late 30s to be able to understand and deal with that.

However, without wishing for a second to excuse bad parenting, it is important to realise that people who do these things are often the victims of abuse themselves. Now that I am an adult, I can see that my mother had serious MH issues, and was herself abused by my grandmother, who is a bit of a monster.

Secondly, while these things leave a legacy, there comes a point where every person has to take responsibility for their own issues and their MH. Seeing a counsellor, taking medication, getting exercise, eating well, looking after yourself are things that only you can do. Yes, it's unfair that you should have to when others were better loved. But that is the brutality of life - it is not a level playing field for all. The best way you can change that is to give youself every possible chance of becoming a happy person who is successful on her own terms

DammitPatrice · 09/03/2018 13:31

My mom used to constantly tell me she was calling the naughty childrens home to come and collect me and take me away

DW says this to our DD - I really hate it.

gillybeanz · 09/03/2018 13:36

tell your brother they are smacking his children and if they continue to leave the child with them/accept this behaviour then report for the sake of the child.

I'm not making excuses for your parents but if you grew up during a time it was acceptable then this was common place.
I can remember all my friends and siblings were smacked as children, it was how you disciplined dc then.
Totally unacceptable and illegal by today's standards

tumblrpigeon · 09/03/2018 13:42

Whiskyowl your post has truly moved me.
I am going to copy and save it .

Thank you

SecretLifeofHedgehogs · 09/03/2018 13:44

Cavoli and Sunshine I agree not all smacking is abuse, it depends on the context. The OP mentions she was scapegoated though and smacked for having normal childhood issues and being "difficult." That is different from smacking a child because they have been very naughty and deliberately defiant. No kid should be smacked for just being a child.

Even if the smack would not legally count as abuse (not leaving a mark or using an object) a smack for something a chid has no real control over would cause emotional trauma. I was threatened with being whacked and mocked and yelled at as a child by my father because I struggled with some aspects of schoolwork and social skills and for having anxiety and because I could not help those issues and was not doing them on purpose I remember feeling so helpless and scared. My father would scream in my face about how rubbish I was and how he would kill me etc He was the same with my sister because my sister used to soil her pants. Due to a disorder, not to be naughty. You may say taht legally that is not abuse but it caused me harm. Even today I feel nervous around my father and other men. Even now. In my middle 30s.

SecretLifeofHedgehogs · 09/03/2018 13:46

and tears for WhiskyOwl and all of us who survived similar.

CavoliRiscaldati · 09/03/2018 13:50

Totally unacceptable and illegal by today's standards
it's not illegal, and many parents still smack their kids.

FreeNiki · 09/03/2018 13:50

Why is everyone telling the OP to tell her brother about smacking his children.

It is in the OP

My brother has also seen them smack his children in front of him and limited access to the grandchildren.

Moving on.....can the OP do anything about her abuse.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 09/03/2018 13:52

My ils use to put dh in the car and drive around for hours saying they were looking for the children's home to drop him off. At 37 it still haunts him. We are nc with them.
Don't let your dm have an abusive childhood. Maybe you can't take action against them but you can prevent them continuing to abuse a dc now.

SweetMoon · 09/03/2018 13:53

How old is your nephew? I would tell your db about it. If you witness it do you step in to defend him? I also hope they are not locking him in the shed. They sound bloody horrible.

I think the best you can do is get your nephew away from them and you stay away from them.

Tainbri · 09/03/2018 13:55

I agree, tell your SIL if you're concerned for the children's welfare. I don't know how old you are but a PP mentioned that many people over 50 were smacked as kids (I don't mean knocked senseless!) I don't know where the line is myself though, and would be interested to know what others think? i was definitely smacked a lot as a kid but the worst was at school (private 1970s) regularly hit across the knuckles with a yard rule, hit on head with books, board rubber hurled at me but also other things like tied to a colleague by legs and hands for whole day of caught talking in a lesson not even allowed to be untied to use toilet etc. I hated school and went through genuinely scared but have no idea if any of that is "abuse" or just the way things were?

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