To want to sue my parents for smacking me/child abuse?

[SofieMonde]

After just finding out as an adult that they had marital problems and I was often scapegoated.
They have admitted to me as an adult that they had to smack me as I was a difficult child and could never sleep, was difficult to feed and comfort.

I have seen them smack my nephew on several occasions and threaten to "Shut you in the shed as you are a naughty boy". My brother has also seen them smack his children in front of him and limited access to the grandchildren. I am now pretty sure this is how they treated me. I have had a lifetime of mental health problems, anxiety, depression etc and have never understood why I cannot cope. Now after reading this information it would explain a lot.

Only the other day I witnessed them smacking my nephew again. Should I report this to the police? I am still processing this and what I have discovered recently and am very unsure as to what to do.

OP, why not go straight to DailyFail or its brethren, why waste time airing your news-worthy story here?

SofieMonde

It doesn't sound like you have any memory of being smacked which means that there isn't a witness really. All you have to go on is what your parents tell you and my guess is they'll downplay it.

I find it odd your brother would still let them watch his child knowing they smacked him. But "smacking" is really quite vague imo so hard to know what to advise there.

It seems to me that you are extrapolising quite a lot from the way your parents behave now. Do you actually remember any incidents of smacking or unfair punishment from your children perpetrated by your parents?

extrapolating

I also don't think there's anything practical you can do about it, especially if your brother is fine leaving his son with them. Obviously you can choose how much contact you have with them.

I have memories of my mother's out-of-control red face as she pursued me into my bedroom to continue shouting and slapping me even as a teenager. Nothing to do with a tap on the bottom or deliberately chosen disciplining. I'm sure some people do use physical discipline in a reasonable way that does not leave their children thinking less of them for the rest of their lives, but that doesn't mean that everyone uses it that way. If OP says she feels traumatised, maybe we could believe her?

As you say, OP, you're still processing the whole idea now, so it must still be painful. But in the long run it really doesn't help to stay in "helpless victim" mode, or get too obsessed with the past. That's not to criticise your current feelings, just to agree with Llewji that there are other ways to deal with it.

I was smacked as a child and remember my brother being hit with the wooden spoon if he had been really naughty (he wasn’t the best behaved child). It hasn’t effected me and I have a good relationship with my parents. I think discipline is different than abuse, I think most kids used to get a smack when I was a child and it wasn’t unusual for grandparents to smack either. I remember getting a smack from my auntie when me and my cousin did something naughty. A smack is a bit different than a beeting.

If OP says she feels traumatised, maybe we could believe her?

^She doesn’t even remember any of the smacking.

@whiskyowl

Truly sorry that happened to you. You are pretty damn wonderful to come out of that with such insight and strength. Kudos to you.

Hope the house building is going well!

Green I agree, how can someone be traumatised by something they can’t even remember happening? I’m sure if it was that bad OP would have remembered.

I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me how being "smacked" is physically or materially different to being "hit" or "beaten".

The fact is, it isn't different - it's just a term we use to make ourselves feel better about the fact we live in a world where it's illegal to hit a dog but not a child.

It absolutely IS lazy. Nothing screams "i've lost control, and am out of ideas" than someone who puts their hand on a child in anger.

I agree with the second part but not the first. I think that smacking is much more likely to be a 'release' for the parent - in my experience it's much more likely to happen when a parent it at their wits end through anger or fear, and just have to do something, anything, to get through to them (that obviously assuming there is no habitual abusive behaviour from the parent).

Not long ago I smacked my daughter on the bum - she was rude and unpleasant, wouldn't do what she was told, wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't accept any punishment we gave her (refused to stay in her bed when sent early, etc.). I told myself I wouldn't do anything physical, but when I picked her up to put her in bed I smacked her bum. As soon as she went 'ow' and started to cry I felt my guts go out from me - I'd completely failed.

Its perfectly possible to be traumatised by things you can't remember the details of. In fact arguably you are more likely to have persistent MH issues due to things you can't bring to conscious mind than the things you can.

OP I don't think you can sue. I do think that witnessing your parents treatment of your nephew has triggered some vague recall of how you were treated and that this is now causing you some additional distress. The way we are parented hugely affects the formation of our personality. Being hit repeatedly by the people we love is damaging to that process of personality formation. What is even more damaging though, is not understanding how the incidents have formed us or how they influence our day to day life as adults. Right now OP you don't know what happened to you, because you can't remember. It may be better or worse than you think. If you want to move forward and understand how your mind operates (in order to be more calm/constructive/effective in your life as an adult) then it might be worth talking to your parents about your childhood.

I've found it to be more painful and distressing to spend my life wondering why I don't react to things the same way others do, and constantly beating myself up over why I can't 'cope' better, than it was to pick apart the events in my life that have made me who I am.

I still react 'badly' in certain situations, but I don't get annoyed with myself anymore. I just think, well yes I find that tough because I learned to be afraid of these situations when I was a child and it takes a long time to overcome those inhibitions even when you know what they are.

Either way I would focus on improving YOUR life NOW. This might mean investigating the past, but try to avoid getting stuck in it.

Patrice
We've all had moments. I grabbed my 4 year old on the upper arms once because he was furiously tearing books off a shelf - I just wanted to stop him from doing it, but I was also furious - did I squeeze him harder than I needed to, in my rage? Well yes, I must have because I'd left 2 neat rows of fingertip shaped bruises on his arms.

Like you, I'll never forget the way he looked at me. What's worse it was summer so everyone saw what I'd done. I've never been more ashamed.

lovemusic and green there are several types of memory. The factual experiential memory you think of in terms of 'I remember eating lunch today' is only one form.

If you took a 3 yo child and every time they picked up a red toy you smacked them it wouldn't take long for them to develop an aversion to red toys...and probably red things altogether.

Almost no one has experiential memory from when they are 3 yo, so its highly unlikely that you would remember the incidents of smacking themselves. BUT, the learned aversion to red things could persist all of your life, with no memory access to the events that caused it.

Aw, I just returned to this thread to see the responses. Thanks for the support, and special thanks to @whatthefoxgoingon who has been so lovely to me through building work!

I sometimes think that the language we use around mental health is all wrong. I am guilty of using the phrase "Take responsibility for your own mental health" - but I'm not sure this is the right way of thinking about it. The idea of responsibility is connected with an idea of burden, of a duty not done, of blame and wrongdoing.

I wonder if a kinder way of putting it is to say "only you can look after yourself". Because so many people who have been through this kind of thing will struggle with self-worth, and the last thing they need to hear is that they are being "irresponsible". Instead, saying "You are worthwhile, and valuable, and you deserve to be happy and should do everything possible to create that situation in life" might be helpful.

But this is a really minor point so I will stop going on now.

Like you, I'll never forget the way he looked at me.

I'll never forget that little 'ow' - she went from being a horrible little hellion who had better stop her carry on RIGHT NOW OR ELSE to being a little girl who is much smaller and slighter than I am and who I have no business raising a hand to.

My parents slapped me as a child and I don't feel that I was abused - they were loving parents and slapping children was widely accepted at that time. They were also Catholics and physical chastisement of children was approved by the church. However there were a couple of times when my dad really lost his temper and smacked me and I think less of him for it. I have two DDs who I have never smacked although they have often made me feel very angry and every time I have felt the urge to slap them and resisted I have thought that I am a better person than he was.

Personally I would cut them off or distance myself as there are probably other cultural/generational differences too that would make me also hate spending time with them as an adult. EG their parenting style as you mentioned. Some ‘pro physical discipline’ parents go on a bit of a power trip with excessive force, then try to pin the blame on the ‘naughty’ child to excuse the abuse. (When really as an adult you should be able to control your temper and use appropriate discipline). You’re just different people and there’s no point having people in your life that have treated you awfully, family or not.

I agree with other posters who think there is no chance of sueing. I don't think your case is strong enough, because of a lack of evidence.

You say your bil has seen his nephew being smacked. So bil does already know.

Your MH needs addressing. Do you think the being smacked/hit is the core problem/issue behind your MH? I suspect not. And that it's a complex issue with a plethora of core issues. What have counsellors advised you in the past?

This is an interesting thread. While I don't think you can sue your parents there is a huge probability it has affected you. I always thought my upbringing was normal - even good until recently. It all came back to me when pregnant with DS (now still just 4 months) my Dad certainly smacked us a lot and even threw me across a room once as he didn't believe me when I said I hadn't done something (I was only very young)
But the worst was my mother. She used to slap me round the back of the head and constantly tell me I was stupid. Even just for doing something silly and childish but not necessarily naughty (think singing a will song or being a little hyper)
As an adult, I constantly berate myself and have no self esteem. When I get angry at myself for doing something 'wrong' (can even be something as little as biting my tongue when eating) I hit myself quite hard over the back of the head and tell myself how stupid I am. My DH hates it and I am desperate not to end up like either of my parents.

That should say singing a silly song!!

Smacking children is assault, even worse than a man smacking his wife. She can escape it, children can't. Violent bullying of the most vulnerable people in society.

It's unjustifiable.

There is a massive difference in law to smacking and abuse, in this case I don’t think the police will do anything as it’s a civil matter and not a criminal, personally my children would never be a mile in any direction of them!

I agree on the counselling comment.

It was only because my mum had a breakdown when I was 25 that it all came to a head in my family. She said that she wished she'd stepped in and told my Dad to stop hitting us. It needed to be brought out into the open, and it helped us all enormously to discuss it as a family. We've always been very close though, so I accept it was easier for us than it is for others.

Hiya. Sorry you're feeling so dreadful.
I wouldn't try to sue your parents for a couple of reasons. Firstly, as a few people have said, smacking kids isn't against the law and was normal when we were kids, so you wouldn't win. Secondly, whatever your relationship with your parents now, suing them would completely screw it up. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, I rather doubt if your parents smacking you was the cause of your problems if you can't remember it. (Maybe I'm wrong here. I've got serious doubts about recovered memory syndrome, but maybe some people will put me straight.)
I was a Difficult Child as well, and also became a troubled adult. Now, did I start off difficult and therefore became troubled later, or did my parents' view of me as difficult make me troubled? To be honest, I'm inclined to say the latter.
Now my parents tried really, really hard with me, and have always been incredibly supportive, so I know in my heart of hearts that they aren't to blame for "the way I've turned out".
Your case is slightly different: it doesn't sound as though they dealt with you in the right way, and it does sound as though you were caught in the crossfire of their own problems.
But saying to yourself "If my parents had treated me differently, my life would have been great" may not be accurate, and it might make matters worse by making you resentful and destroying the relationship you do have.
It's hard, but you have to move on, as Whiskyowl says. Contentment isn't a finite substance that can be reallocated from person to person. Look after yourself rather than trying to revenge yourself on others. (And you know what they say - the best revenge on those who've tried to hurt you, is to be happy.)
As for your nephew - it sounds like your brother knows what's going on and has taken some action. Tell him and your sil if you're concerned.