To want to sue my parents for smacking me/child abuse?

[SofieMonde]

After just finding out as an adult that they had marital problems and I was often scapegoated.
They have admitted to me as an adult that they had to smack me as I was a difficult child and could never sleep, was difficult to feed and comfort.

I have seen them smack my nephew on several occasions and threaten to "Shut you in the shed as you are a naughty boy". My brother has also seen them smack his children in front of him and limited access to the grandchildren. I am now pretty sure this is how they treated me. I have had a lifetime of mental health problems, anxiety, depression etc and have never understood why I cannot cope. Now after reading this information it would explain a lot.

Only the other day I witnessed them smacking my nephew again. Should I report this to the police? I am still processing this and what I have discovered recently and am very unsure as to what to do.

I’d just tell your nephews parents TBH.

It’s not illegal in England to smack kids (should be though).

It was the done thing years ago...my parents were shocked when I announced that I would not be smacking my children, nor would I allow anyone else to eg them. They were convinced that my plan would fail. It didn’t, but they now feel bad about how I was brought up. They brought me up how they were brought up. Your parents might be similar. If they’ve been told not to do it, have been given alternative strategies, but keep on doing smacking, the kids parents need to work out whether they feel it’s appropriate for them to look after children.

I'm sure the vast majority of people born until around the 80's will have been smacked by their parents at some point. Hell, my parents were even caned! I don't condone smacking, but it is unlikely that this would be the cause of your mental health issues. Trying to sue your parents would be futile and cause more issues.
My mother apparently had bad post natal depression after my sister was born and I remember with complete clarity her trying to drown me in the bath (I was 4), and she broke three of her fingers another time smacking me across the head (I'd have been about 5 or 6). That never bothered me as much as her telling me as a teenager that I would never amount to anything though. That one still rankles me. I still talk to my mother, but we aren't close. I deliberately maintain my distance as she excels at saying horrible things.

Certainly tell your brother about your parents smacking your nephew. To hit your own child is one thing (yes, I know it's bad), but to hit somebody else's is on another level again. It is up to your brother then to decide what HE is going to do about it.

In the meantime I suggest some form of counselling as there is clearly something going on that you need to talk about and it may help you develop applicable coping strategies. Some people are just more prone to depression than others and some people have better coping mechanisms than others. Both my parents and sister are prone to depression and have been prescribed drugs. I never have. I just deal with my problems in my own way. Exercise helps, as does removing yourself from the situation that is causing you distress (providing you know what the cause is e.g. my boyfriend literally had to drag me out of bed in the mornings as I hated my job with a passion. I realised that I needed to do something about this, so I changed jobs and immediately felt better).

YOu are asking about different things.

1. Make sure his parents know that your nephew is being smacked
2. Smacking isn't illegal even now (though may be frowned upon by more people) - you'd have no chance of sueing them for smacking you when it was very normal back in the day

3.You'd also not have any chance of bringing a case if you can't remember it 4 What is to be gained by sueing them ? 5 Police / social services won't be interested. Depends I suppose on what you mean by smacking - in case there is a drip feed that comes back with serious physical abuse / beatings etc

1. I don't think you can put your mental health issues down to you having been smacked as a child, or - as someone has said upthread - virtually everyone over 40 or 50 would have mental health issues.

OP you have my sympathy as do others who have had difficult childhoods. My parents were constantly on a short fuse and any little thing would trigger them to batter away with a slipper. They described this as "the odd slap". It wasn't and I still get nightmares about it.

However, WhiskyOwl is right - you do have to take responsibility for your own MH and I think that you should start by booking an appointment with your GP to ask for support. I also find it helps to remind myself that what looking back they did belittles them not me, they were the ones with no self control as they were the adults in that situation.

for you, whisky and hedgehogs and everyone else who went through this.

As someone who was hit a lot for very mundane things such as spilling juice on the carpet (I don't use the word 'smacking' as it diminishes what is ultimately a violent act), I personally couldn't stand by and do nothing either, so I sympathise OP. However, as it's your family, I wouldn't involve the police until you have all sat down and had a good chat about it all together - listening without judgment where possible. Consider mediation or group counselling as well, it sounds like there are lots of other issues at play as well.

My father was defensive for a long time about the amount he hit us as children. It was only when he saw my beautiful son, who is the absolute spitting image of my older brother, that he broke down and spoke about how bad he felt for hitting us as defenceless children. It's worth considering their feelings in all of this as well, and giving them the chance to speak openly about why they feel they need to do it. If it's any consolation, I have an excellent relationship with my Dad now, after spending the first 20 years of my life afraid of him. I told him this once a while back, and he was completely shocked by it.

I'd speak to bro and SIL first, if I were you. The only justification for speaking to police before them was if your nephew's safety was at risk.

Good luck OP - you're on the right path.

There is nothing to report to the police. Your brother knows they have smacked his child. It is their choice if they continue to allow contact.
As for your childhood, it sounds as though you are clutching at recent conversations for a 'reason' for your struggles. I'm not sure this is helpful. Purely because you do not even know that you were smacked. Perhaps counselling could help you to process your childhood and determine if you have blocked out certain aspects of your past.
Even if you do remember being smacked, I don't think you're in a place (emotionally) to try to pursue any abuse case.

to be honest, if I had the choice between a quick smack and getting on with my day all forgotten (my mum) or sitting through an hour lecture rambling on feelings and the impact on doing the wrong thing going on and on and on... (my aunt), I'd have taken the slap anytime.

Some people have a very black and white vision of children discipline, it' not as simple as saying "smacking is abuse". It's not.

There is a massive different between smacking and child abuse. You can't sue for smacking and I don't think you have enough evidence for child abuse.

I was smacked as a child (not often, as once was often enough to get me to behave) and it did not affect me at all. It was commented on that both myself and my sibling were polite, courteous, well behaved children and we have both grown up to well adjusted adults, very close relationship with both parents. Therefore I believe that used correctly, smacking is ok.

The Op states that her Brother has witnessed this. I would casually mention it to SIL, just in case she doesn't know, for whatever reason. However, as contact is limited anyway, it could suggest she already knows.

OP. you state that you were told........Does that mean you'd tried to forget about it and remembered during the conversation or that you were hearing it for the first time?

Having MH difficulties, as well as having a childhood that was traumatic may not be an indicator that they are actually connected.

I think you need to seek help from your GP and ask to be referred for some form of therapy. Based on what you discuss there, the service will usually know what type of therapy you need and will be able to separate the issues out.

That may give you a bit more clarity when deciding on your next steps.

An ex of mine's mother used to tell him she was going to leave him a the police station if he was naughty, but she would go so far as to make him pack a bag, put his coat on, and walk him down the road until he was hysterical. As an adult she would control him by telling him he would give her a heart attack and kill her. He had serious issues from it all, to the point that when he failed a subject at uni, he didn't know how to cope and ran away for three months (he genuinely thought they'd be better off without him) they had to track him down though his bank.

Throughout our relationship he threatened to kill himself and when I finally walked away (he ended things and I just never went back) he told me he was going to kill himself and leave letters telling everyone it was my fault. Awful stuff. I had to get the police involved in the end, he would sit outside my house at night.

After that I seriously do not underestimate the damage you can do to people through abuse, physically and mentally.

You need to speak to your nephew's parents and make sure they're aware.

NOt sure how old you are, but it was the norm to smack children when I was young. some parents still do, and I heard a parent just yesterday threatening to put their foot through the kids x-box. Not stellar parenting, I agree, but I don't think it is necessarily a sign of abuse.
You can't actually remember being smacked, but assume you were. You may well be right. But if you can't remember it, I don't think you can lay all your current mental health problems at their feet.
And what good would suing them do anyway?
Parenting has moved on since you were young. You can't blame your parents for being a product of their time. You can have a word with your brother and get him to tell them to pack it in with their nephew though. that is his responsibility as their father. Not yours

@Cavoli ffs smacking is not parenting. It’s lazy.

@OP you are unlikely to have any legal redress against your parents unless you can prove that it was the smacking that caused your mental health issues. Oh the note of your nephew I would agree with PP-best course of action is tellzing his mother.

OutyMcOutface
give me a break, choosing an appropriate way to discipline your children is not "lazy".

It's very heartwarming to know how much parents today believe hitting children is not the best way to discipline them.

And I can certainly understand why those that choose to carry on hitting children are defensive - who wouldn't be?

And by the way - the fact that it was common does not mean it's normal. I would question the mental health/stability of someone who could look at a 4 year old child and think it's okay to hit them.

Kindly, it is our responsibility how we react to what happens to us.

Although your parents were awful to you, by your account, many people have suffered the same or worse and don't have the same problems.
It's not realistic to sue parents for bad parenting, although tempting, and their behaviour wouldn't be enough to remove children from them, so suing them would be useless.

But, for your own mental health, you need to work on yourself and how you deal with your life, not look for something else to blame.

As for your nephew, you say your brother has limited contact, but is it still unsupervised? How have they been able to smack the boy unchallenged? What did you do about it?

londonista well done for your goady post, but do not worry, some of us who believe in disciplining their children, even with the odd smack are doing just fine. Thank you for your concern though Only on MN is it such an issue, in RL most people don't seem that bothered about it.

Of course you can't sue them!

After just finding out as an adult that they had marital problems and I was often scapegoated. They have admitted to me as an adult that they had to smack me as I was a difficult child and could never sleep, was difficult to feed and comfort.

Sounds like they struggled to parent you and didn't do a very good job.

I have seen them smack my nephew on several occasions

How hard? Hard enough to mark the skin?

and threaten to "Shut you in the shed as you are a naughty boy".

Sounds like the kind of thing parents/grandparents of that generation often said - an empty threat to try to control bad behaviour. Was your nephew traumatised by it, and did you tell your brother/SIL?

My brother has also seen them smack his children in front of him and limited access to the grandchildren.

It's down to him and his DP to deal with this, as it sounds like he's doing.

I am now pretty sure this is how they treated me.

You mean you don't remember them treating you like that?

I have had a lifetime of mental health problems, anxiety, depression etc and have never understood why I cannot cope. Now after reading this information it would explain a lot.

That sounds hard, and I feel for you, but it isn't necessarily due to them having smacked you.

Only the other day I witnessed them smacking my nephew again. Should I report this to the police?

You should report this to your brother and SIL. Did they leave a mark on your nephew when they smacked him? If they didn't, and you're in England, they haven't broken the law.

You're kind of proving my point here Cavoli. Is losing control a theme for you in general?

ANd if you think in RL people are fine about seeing other people hit children, then you're obviously living on a different planet to me, thank fuck for that.

'Hitting' is very different to smacking a child on the bottom. And it should only be used for extreme bad behaviour. This soft parenting is a reason that children nowadays are so badly behaved.

londonista you are just being goady for the sake of starting an argument, we get it. I don't get in a bad mood because of a random poster on an internet forum, so you are wasting your time my dear. Time for me to go home for the weekend with my kids, so have a nice day

Explain to me how a smack and a hit are mechanically different things?

Parents smacked me when I was naughty, headteacher used a slipper. Quite frankly I sometimes think it would be better if this was still the norm and kids had more discipline. There’s a difference between the odd smack when naughty and abuse. (Although I’m sure people will be a long shortly to tell me no).

Children can be raised to be polite and well behaved without smacking.

Anyone linking lack of hitting children and bad behaviour doesn't know how to raise children.