to be afraid of partner and his reaction

[charley30]

I am in a situation with my ex partner who has emotionally abused me for years . I have only just come to this realisation in the past 6 months . He has been staying with his mother as she is ill and did not have to stay every night ( he could have worked something out with his family ) there are careers going in everyday ! He works every day but tells people he is looking after his mother when he's not . He plays people for sympathy loves drama and is always the victim . He originally left as we had a mouse in our home and he used this as an excuse . Saying it was because of my hoarding that we had mice . He cannot seem to show love or his emotions . I really think he has a disorder if some sort but he seems able to function well in front of other people . At home he sits in a room of his own and cannot communicate with my daughter and I . I have lived a horrible life with him being emotionally abusive controlled and being ignored . I have accepted that he is the problem which has lead to my ill health in the last 2 years both physically and emotionally . He has never been a good parent either . I shouldn't ha d allowed it to go on so long . I need to know the right help to get for me and my child . Please advise as best you can as I don't know where to turn . He continues to come back here and goes to the room for 2 hours and then leaves . He asks my child if she's ok is everything ok in school . I could write his script every day . I have shut down completely from him and am in fear of him . I have communicated twice to him re taking my daughter to a couple of things .he takes her to her after school activities takes her for McDonald's and drops her home . She has seen how he disregards me and is not there for us . I want him not to come back and any person with any care for another person would see the pain and upset he is putting me and my daughter through . He is not normal obviously and even though the house is in my name I feel he is still trying to be in control of our home as he has been paying for half the bills monthly since we moved in . The issue now is my daughter she has started to display anger and emotional upset towards me . I know she needs help . I want to phone him now and tell him not to set foot in my door again because of what he has done to us emotionally . My daughter has a very Imp to her audition this weekend and it is the worse time to say anything . She is under stress in school with friendship groups and is struggling with one particular subject . The teacher shouted at her and humiliated her in class .i think this was what triggered her emotionally last night . I had my daughter in tears at 12 telling me she hated me and the anger she felt when I tried to calm her down was terrifying . We are very close . I know she afraid and under tremendous strsss with the situation with her father . She does not want me to say anything to him today as he is taking her to her audition at the weekend . Things have come to a head for me . I am done . I will not allow him to destroy her the way he has me . She was the most loving and happiest child until the turning point when her father left us to go and stay with his mother . She has an empty 5 bedrooms house . He is not homeless . He needs to leave us alone . I am concerned for my daughters emotional well being . Who can I ask for help re counselling and helping her to deal with this . She said she is not happy anymore and cannot deal with stress at home or in school . Please be kind . I want to do my best for her . I have never asked him to leave or tell him what he has done to us as he wouldn't listen . He Has support from anyone who will listen to him friends and family who all enable him and never stand up to him and tell him he may be wrong . I want to do this for my daughter . I want to do my job as a parent . I have always been 100 percent a good mother but I know by not sorting out this situation I am not . I will not allow this to go on but do not know where to turn for help for my child and me . I do not have supportive friends and what little family I have are far away . He has taken every ounce of my self confidence and left me a wreck both physically and emotionally . I am now unable to get out of the house . Please be kind and helpful I don't think I could take any more hurt not even from a stranger . I am reaching out here .

Charley this sounds a terrible situation you have been in, and I think you are right to think you are going be best off without him.

It sounds like you are a very loving parent and want the best for your daughter.

You come across as having come to the end of your tether, and can now see the true situation. Your daughters upset has brought it to a head which is awful but maybe a good thing in a way.

I would suggest seeing your GP to ask for some help with both yourself and your daughter. Also maybe contact someone sympathetic at the school, in our school we call it pastoral care?
Woman's Aid is also a great resource and can talk you through the practicalities of getting him out the house.

Good luck and keep posting x

I'll be honest - I don't get it.

You write a lot about how awfully abusive he is, that you've lived a horrible life, that your dd is damaged and terrified - but not what he's actually done except spending too much time out of the home.

Sorry to hear you are in such an upsetting situation. What would your situation be financially if you separated? Would you be able to cope, and what would happen with your family home? Would you be able to stay there with your daughter if he moved out?

It does sound like your relationship is dead in the water and that you need a fresh start. What exactly has he said and done which you feel has been emotionally abusive - other than to not be around enough, which is in itself pretty bad?

SimplySwimming
I'll be honest - I don't get it.

No. I feel a little (lot) confused too.

He doesn't spend a lot of time at home I think, but you don't want him to stay at his mothers.

Totally bamboozled. Maybe a few more clarifications OP?

If your title really is how you feel - if you're truly afraid of him - then you absolutely cannot build any kind of relationship with him. Nobody can be happy or loved or fulfilled in a relationship built on fear.

The way you need to look at it isn't "we've been together so long, I shouldn't have let it go on for so long" but "how many more years do I have ahead of me to find happiness without him". It doesn't matter how long it's gone on or how much you've invested. If it's not working, if you're unhappy, if your DD is unhappy, finish it. The future is worth more than the past.

I’m another one confused by what it is that he’s actually done. For example, I don’t understand why him paying half the bills is controlling, or what’s terrible about asking DD how school is going.

Are you a hoarder though? This is far more likely to be causing resentment from your daughter than her dad being in a room for 2 hours? Also is he your ex? Are you actually separated? Sounds like he is still paying bills but you are angry he is spending time at his mothers then angry he spend time at yours? I am very confused

And if you’re hoarding it’s quite possible that you do have mice, and that the hoarding is a source of stress for both DD and DH.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad OP. It's good that you've posted as getting things of your chest and talking about it often clears our heads.

Obviously it's horrible that he's shutting you and your DD out like this, are there other ways that he's abusive? Financially? Or Physically?

OP you sound very distressed. I also picked up on the hoarding comment.hoarding is symptomatic of other issues but if it is serious hoarding this will also be causing stress to your DD and DP.

Do you have a friend who you feel you can turn to? Otherwise I think you need to see your GP to discuss your mental health.

It's hard to advise when we know so little about what he is actually doing to you? Is he ignoring you?

Ok he has not kissed me in 15 years he cannot share a bed with me as when I moved he stormed out of the bedroom . When I brought my daughter home from the hospital he told me he would give us some time on our own and slept in the spare room and never came back . He will not discuss problems with our child or work them out as a unit . I have done everything for her from the day she was born . I have run myself ragged going through each stage of her life with no help from him . We were never offered a lift or supported in any way .when I got sick and had to come out of work he damaged my good name by telling everyone my business to the point that people believe that I am some sort of mental mess ( yes due to him ) never encouraging me in any way to help with shopping or daughters activities even when I was sick . Then 2 years ago when I was hit with autoimmune diseases of various kinds he promised he would help and look after me and my daughter . He went back to work the next day . I don't think he has ever taken me out for a night out . Never complimented me .kept me down when I was down enough . I had to fight for my physical and mental health myself . I have managed as a single mother through out these years with this person living in my home . He is negative and toxic I used to listen to his negative crap about work everyday until I closed my mind to it as it was affecting me and I realised he never listened to me . I also helped him through his alcohol abuse which I put a stop to when my daughter was 3 and told him to leave and he has never drank since but that dies not take away from the fact that a 'partner' or 'father' can live in a home and not contribute any support or money which he has with held from me since the beginning . His attachment belongs to his car and his home which he believes he owns half off .he sits in a seperate room with his own tv and computer and does not interact with us at all ! I know that it is up to me to sort out my emotional problems but I am saying here that he has withheld LOVE the main reason we all are part of this earth . Otherwise what is the point . Do u really think this is normal and this is the way a living person should be treated . No physical abuse but name calling and being treated like you do not exist is in my eyes wrong on the deepest level and can be so much more damaging . I did not go into detail as I felt I'd written enough and don't want to bite you all with my story . Maybe I live in fantasy land and expect a relationship to be a mutual respect of each other and a support in good times and bad ( I helped him through the death of his father ) I don't expect a medal ! J can see now that I was doing all the giving in this relationship and he was doing all the taking . The one thing he couldn't do and the most important in my eyes was to show my daughter what LOVE is by showing her mother respect and support and care just as I did for him . By washing his clothes . By feeding him meals . By listening to his work problems . By helping him with his elderly parents . And most important of all by giving him the most beautiful little girl who deserves so much more . If anyone thinks it normal to be in a relationship where LOVE is not shown in even the most simple way then it is not right . And I feel so many women are like me and put up and shut up for the sake of the children or so as not to rock the boat or disrupt the relationship or their children's lives . But my daughter is being damaged ! I have realised my mistake in doing nothing about it all this time but I am prepared to show LOVE by doing it what is right for her esp and for me . He has been working a late shift all week and he has contacted her by text once to ask her how she is .he hasn't asked me how I am in years .

charley, I’ve read a few of your threads and I think you need to accept that he has left you. You need to formalise this, either through divorce or by coming to a proper financial agreement about what he is going to pay rather than letting it drift on in this limbo.

I also remember from your other threads that if’s not quite right that your daughter’s behavioural issues are all down to her father and that she enjoys spending time with him and that side of the family. I think previously it’s been established that she feels quite a lot of resentment towards you because of the current situation. And that you haven’t made things easy because you complain if her father doesn’t see her much, but when she does you make her feel guilty.

I think the best thing to do is to formalise the end of your relationship and agree a proper access schedule for DD. Minimise contact between you and ex and try not to use DD as a pawn to get to him. Separate off from him entirely and have minimal interaction.

At the moment the situation sounds very destructive for DD and you need to sort this out for her sake. And you know she enjoys spending time with her father as you have admitted this before. Please stop pretending this is about DD rather than a battle with your ex.

Now Charley you say he has always paid half and now say he contributes nothing. You’re not being entirely honest here are you?

No OP I don't think what you've just described is normal and I doubt any other poster would too. I feel sad for you.

So now I guess it's deciding how you go about getting yours and DD's lives into a happier and calmer place. Re the hoarding - is this something you think you can tackle on your own? I think addressing this problem first might be a good idea.

I’m not at all clear from this and your other threads where the faults lie.

He spends each night with his sick mother, but then comes back to your house (although if you’ve been together for 16 years surely it’s also - morally speaking - his home, irrespective of who owns it?). That doesn’t sound unreasonable to me. Do you want him to spend nights with you, or days elsewhere?

You haven’t spoken to him since September? Why not?

Does he know that you think the relationship is over? Do you think the relationship is over?

Are you a hoarder?

You describe him as a narcissist. Is he diagnosed? Or is that your opinion?

I think he drops in to check on DD chacha, OP has a lot of issues and doesn’t leave the house so I think it’s advisable her welfare at home is checked on.

The OP needs to formalise ending the relationship and they need to get everything sorted money wise and access wise and so he’s not just dropping in but DD’s care is formally agreed.

It may be that DD’s welfare needs to be checked by outside agencies if the split becomes final. They need to sort it out, this limbo has gone on months.

Can you tell me how I can see my previous threads . Things may have changed since then . No my daughter is distressed I can see that she is confused about the situation as he ignored me completely I tried to speak to him a month ago through the car window about out daughter and he never looked at me once other than to twitch his nose ( a sign he was going to lose his temper ) I told him that he needs to show our daughter that he loves her by communicating more with her and not just a text once a week . I have always tried to provide a normal situation at home for her but my heart was broken when I saw her and consoled her last night . She said she knows he doesn't care about us . Even though she knows she always has me . She does not enjoy his company . She feels he manipulates her by getting her to feel sorry for him . After I spoke to him and tried to reach out to him about her feeling upset and that I was considering counselling for her he actually withheld more emotionally . This is not normal . He is self centred and being ignored is soul destroying . No she does not enjoy spending time with him anymore . Even if I did write that in my last post . I am seeing now what is really happening . Any issues I have are down to him hoarding is not a big issue I love books and writing he is OCD but never officially diagnosed . If I put my things in the bathroom New shower gel and the like he puts them away and puts his things on the shelf . It is like he does not want to face the fact that I really exist . He could never parent on his own . He has destroyed me mentally to the point of being agoraphobic . I have fought every day to get to this point .yes I have enabled him by sticking with it but I do not want to anymore . I can see in my daughter what I am like now and I will do e etything on my power to get her sorted . I ha evdeiression and anxiety due to an autoimmune disease of my thyroid which I am now in control off . I then developed another deficiency which was mishandled by my gp and had lead to neurological symptoms I am fighting that issue seperate ly and gave done for the last 2 years .

charley30

Am so sorry. I have been in your daughter's shoes, my father was like your partner and I did feel a lot of anger and resentment towards my mum growing up due to the way he treated us and made us scared of him. Now I am grown up myself I am a lot more compassionate to my mum now and realise how trapped she felt.

I do not know if my answer is helpful to you- probably not- but I wanted to let you know you are not alone and send you and a big hug.

charley30
Can you tell me how I can see my previous threads .

Advance search your name.

A lot of things that aren't really helping to be honest Charley.

From reading the old threads and seeing you speak about your daughter I think you need to be very careful you don't alienate her. I genuinely believe your MH is going to affect her very soon.

Eltonjohnssyrup

It may be that DD’s welfare needs to be checked by outside agencies if the split becomes final. They need to sort it out, this limbo has gone on months.

I totally agree, that child is probably completely consumed by her life at the moment.

I think there are other children involved somewhere along the line too. I can't be sure though, it's all mixed up

My father also had unoffically diagnosed OCD (I myself have OCD but diagnosed and now under control) and what my sister and I suspect to be ASD also? It is difficult to live with as he would lose his temper very easily over thing not being perfect and was obsessed with how perfect the family looked from the outside- we were never allowed to give away any hints that we were struggling in any way- if we did we would be yelled at, threatened and insulted. I am glad I am out of there.

charley30

Your daughter doesn't hate you. Even when I felt angry with my mum and raged at her over her staying with my father, deep down inside I loved her. I just hated the mess we were in and hated the way my mum minimised it "he doesn't hit me" "other women have it worse" "it is my fault, I make him angry etc"

I still don't see it op.

Are you a couple or not? You talk of speaking to him a month ago through the car window as if you don't see him at home.

It sounds like he thinks you've split tbh.

SimplySwimming charley30 is afraid of her own partner. It is not normal to be afraid of a partner's reactions. Maybe she does not feel able to disclose some of what has been going on.

It is very hard talking about abuse. Sometimes those of us who are victims/survivors will choose to tell a bit at a time, maybe hiding the worst bits. We may fear people don't get us, or disbelieve or even blame us.