to be afraid of partner and his reaction

[charley30]

I am in a situation with my ex partner who has emotionally abused me for years . I have only just come to this realisation in the past 6 months . He has been staying with his mother as she is ill and did not have to stay every night ( he could have worked something out with his family ) there are careers going in everyday ! He works every day but tells people he is looking after his mother when he's not . He plays people for sympathy loves drama and is always the victim . He originally left as we had a mouse in our home and he used this as an excuse . Saying it was because of my hoarding that we had mice . He cannot seem to show love or his emotions . I really think he has a disorder if some sort but he seems able to function well in front of other people . At home he sits in a room of his own and cannot communicate with my daughter and I . I have lived a horrible life with him being emotionally abusive controlled and being ignored . I have accepted that he is the problem which has lead to my ill health in the last 2 years both physically and emotionally . He has never been a good parent either . I shouldn't ha d allowed it to go on so long . I need to know the right help to get for me and my child . Please advise as best you can as I don't know where to turn . He continues to come back here and goes to the room for 2 hours and then leaves . He asks my child if she's ok is everything ok in school . I could write his script every day . I have shut down completely from him and am in fear of him . I have communicated twice to him re taking my daughter to a couple of things .he takes her to her after school activities takes her for McDonald's and drops her home . She has seen how he disregards me and is not there for us . I want him not to come back and any person with any care for another person would see the pain and upset he is putting me and my daughter through . He is not normal obviously and even though the house is in my name I feel he is still trying to be in control of our home as he has been paying for half the bills monthly since we moved in . The issue now is my daughter she has started to display anger and emotional upset towards me . I know she needs help . I want to phone him now and tell him not to set foot in my door again because of what he has done to us emotionally . My daughter has a very Imp to her audition this weekend and it is the worse time to say anything . She is under stress in school with friendship groups and is struggling with one particular subject . The teacher shouted at her and humiliated her in class .i think this was what triggered her emotionally last night . I had my daughter in tears at 12 telling me she hated me and the anger she felt when I tried to calm her down was terrifying . We are very close . I know she afraid and under tremendous strsss with the situation with her father . She does not want me to say anything to him today as he is taking her to her audition at the weekend . Things have come to a head for me . I am done . I will not allow him to destroy her the way he has me . She was the most loving and happiest child until the turning point when her father left us to go and stay with his mother . She has an empty 5 bedrooms house . He is not homeless . He needs to leave us alone . I am concerned for my daughters emotional well being . Who can I ask for help re counselling and helping her to deal with this . She said she is not happy anymore and cannot deal with stress at home or in school . Please be kind . I want to do my best for her . I have never asked him to leave or tell him what he has done to us as he wouldn't listen . He Has support from anyone who will listen to him friends and family who all enable him and never stand up to him and tell him he may be wrong . I want to do this for my daughter . I want to do my job as a parent . I have always been 100 percent a good mother but I know by not sorting out this situation I am not . I will not allow this to go on but do not know where to turn for help for my child and me . I do not have supportive friends and what little family I have are far away . He has taken every ounce of my self confidence and left me a wreck both physically and emotionally . I am now unable to get out of the house . Please be kind and helpful I don't think I could take any more hurt not even from a stranger . I am reaching out here .

SecretLifeofHedgehogs Fri 09-Mar-18 11:27:03
SimplySwimming
charley30 is afraid of her own partner. It is not normal to be afraid of a partner's reactions. Maybe she does not feel able to disclose some of what has been going on.

It is very hard talking about abuse. Sometimes those of us who are victims/survivors will choose to tell a bit at a time, maybe hiding the worst bits. We may fear people don't get us, or disbelieve or even blame us.

I absolutely agree and support what you're saying Secret, however, whilst in bad form I DID go and look at past threads.

There is a long history between this couple, and its not made clear in this thread at all. This child is caught in the middle of a Father that seems to be pulling away from the family home, and a very severely ill, (both physically and mentally) Mother.

The Dad... that apparently shows no interest takes his kid to clubs, away on breaks and turns out for school plays. Now I'm sure that OP see's it differently, because truthfully, who wouldn't when they're stuck in one place watching the world around them? I can't even begin to understand how hard that must be for someone. But this thread is not as clear as possibly first thought.

Thank you all for your advise I appreciate those who understand . I am doing my best as a mother . I do not need to be checked on due to my physical problems which I already have explained . Any mental health problems are due to the physical for goodness sake .a lot of partners behaviour has not helped me .i have a peaceful and loving environment for my daughter and for me . It is the issue with her father that is causing the upset . The reason for my post and not to be attacked . I take it those people who ha e commented unfairly live a very happy life with supportive partners and no ill health in their family .to those who understand the situation thank you .i don't need any more criticism . I just need to know what help I can get to allow him to see her and to keep him away from me .

So he is your EX partner? But he has his cake and eats it by living in your house when he feels like it? You can’t let him keep making you feel like rubbish. You need a clean break from him. Can you afford to live if he stops paying half the bills? If so tell him you don’t want to see him in you home anymore, get locks changed. Can you and daughter move somewhere smaller do you’re no longer financially depending on him? Maybe speak to citizens advice cos you need an agreement like you would have if you got divorced.

People, you don't need to know exactly what he has done. OP has explained that he is abusive and is reaching out for help. It's not for you to ask for more details so that you can assess whether or not he's a terrible partner. OP knows that and there's no reason for a stranger on the internet not to take her at her word when she's asking for help.

OP, I would speak to Women's Aid and / or Shelter. Both will be able to give you advice - it doesn't matter that the abuse is emotional rather than physical. I hope you and your daughter are both ok x

OP do you have a MH person that you could talk to? Or your GP? Anyone, that could help direct you in the way you so obviously need to go?

You poor thing, you sound completely overwhelmed and very lost in knowing where to start. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but I have no experience in what you're going through. I do wish you the very best though.

You need to properly end this. No coming into your house. He can come and collect dd for contact but you need to get it sorted because its not healthy for you and dd.

Okay Charley. But you have written previously about her enjoying holidays and days out with her father and also your resentment of that.

I think you need to separate off your relationship with her father from yours. You talk about his reluctance to communicate with you as a rejection of his daughter. It’s not. The fact he doesn’t want to communicate with you or spend time with you does not mean he feels the same about his daughter. He spends time with her away from you doing activities. The fact he doesn’t want to talk to you doesn’t mean he doesn’t talk to her when you are not there.

He’s my twopennorth for what it’s worth. You and your ex were both extremely unhappy in your relationship. Your relationship was effectively over years ago and you have been living separate lives in the same house. This separation has become more formal in recent months and he has moved out. For some reason you are reluctant to accept that the relationship is over even though it clearly has been for quite some time. And you characterise it as an EA relationship when in fact your not in a relationship at all. Your ex is providing financial support still and sees DD away from you and visits your house quite regularly to check up on you.

Since you have ‘split’ you’ve become very sensitive over the time he spends with DD. You are conscious of the fact that he takes her out to do activities or to eat or on holiday with her extended family and goes to her school activities like plays. You’ve told us that you can’t do any of these things as you don’t leave the house. You’ve also said you feel resentful about DD enjoying these things when you don’t. You’ve also told us that there are difficulties with DD taking part in normal activities for her age at home like having friends visit or sleepovers.

Your DD has expressed frustration about the situation at home but you dismiss this as ‘her father turning her against me’.

You’re understandably anxious that now you are separated your daughter will reject a life stuck at home with you in favour of a more attractive life with her father going out and doing things and having holidays and seeing friends. Your response to this has been to try and effect a complete break in DD’s relationship with her father and drive wedges between them. DD actually seems to be quite frustrated with both of you and extremely torn between you. She might be telling you she doesn’t like being with her Dad now, but I suspect the poor child is just telling you what you want to hear.

Trying to keep your DD away from her father isn’t going to work. In fact she is going to end up resenting you hugely if you keep her stuck at home cutting her off from other people.

The most constructive thing you can do is formalise the split and arrange a contact schedule that means you and he no longer interact. And try and deal with your health issues in baby steps so you can start moving towards a more normal home life with DD. Being at her school play tomorrow isn’t practical. But start taking very small steps which mean you’re working towards that.

Honestly, the current situation sounds so destructive for DD and you need to sort out this toxic situation. And you need to accept that DD going out and doing nice things with her Dad doesn’t mean she is rejecting you or leaving you. If you carry on smothering her like this she is going to end up resenting you hugely. Stop making her feel bad for spending time with her Dad. It’s not fair.

Charley - I haven't read your previous threads, but I have to say, you don't sound too well at all. I understand that your ex's behaviour has not helped your mental health, but the whole situation, as you describe it, sounds very confusing. I can only imagine how confused your DD must be.

It is clear that you know you need to take action for your child's sake. Stop thinking about your ex and focus on yourself. If SS came to your home, what would they find, do you think? Might they perceive you have a hoarding problem - I don't know?

Maybe talk to SS about getting some counselling for your DD and yourself. You can't control your ex, but you need to get well yourself so you can put some boundaries around the way he uses your house and interacts with his daughter.

OP please read and digest Elton's post.

Thank you so much Fugitivefrombrusstice no one needs to work out who is right or wrong in this situation it has been going on a long time .i am ready to resolve it . He is a narcissistic manipulative and damaged person and yes he has damaged me but I have fought every day to be the good mother I have always been . He did do a few things to help under pressure from a friend at the time to show people that he was helping me when I was unwell . This stopped when people stopped giving him attention about it . He has never shown an ounce of care to me and a few months of doing this does not cut it for me . He did not do it for me or for my daughter . I am really trying to get you all to understand . Btw I am not seriously ill .i am appalled at the advise some of you have given . But to this who can see that I am trying to make things right thank you I'm down but not out yet .

Honestly OP, I really think you need some counselling for yourself.

Your posts are really hard to understand, that might be because you find putting your thoughts into written words hard or it maight be that your thoughts are jumbled and difficult to make a coherent sense of, in which case some talking therapy would help you massively.

Going by what I understand from your posts I can’t really see how he is abusing you?

It sounds like he pays half of everything? He sees your DD and checks in with her everyday to see how she is coping, how school is etc. He dives her to after school and weekend activities.

It really does sound like he has left you and you are finding it hard to come to terms with that? Do you think that he might not be kissing you or showing affection etc because he believes you have spilt up?

Do you have issues with hoarding?

When you say you tried to talk to him through the car window do you think he didn’t answer you because he didn’t want to get into an argument with you?

Do you think he may want to have contact with just your DD and not you? because honestly if you DD is of an appropriate age he is within his right to only have contact with your DD if he wants.

I really think an outside perspective (I.e. a counsellor/therapist) would be massively beneficial to you.

I'm always made nervous by anyone with existing MH issues who starts saying they've "always been a good mother" or were always the good partner, et cetera. In my experience this is sometimes indicative of deterioration of MH. Most people who are functioning normally wouldn't think of themselves as being a good mother 100% of the time, or a good partner. It's the all-or-nothing black-and-white thinking here, the "all my mental health problems are down to this external thing, which I've had an epiphany about in the last 6 months," that's concerning here, OP.

Are you currently receiving any MH services?

Yes I was just going to suggest some sort of therapy or counselling OP. I understand that your H has treated you really awful in many different ways and it's had a huge impact on your wellbeing but moving forward it would help you immensely if you could learn how to accept what has happened and to learn how to live with it.

It sounds like you're stuck in a place where you can't accept it and this isn't good for you or your DD. You're missing out on so much right now and that is such a shame.

Counselling isn't a quick fix solution and it's often very painful to talk about issues that have had a detrimental effect on us but with the right person it can be a step to understanding why we feel the way we do.

Is that something you would consider?

OP what a terrible situation you’ve found yourself in. I personally feel you need to take the following steps. I’m going to just be very clear and direct about them so I hope they don’t come across as cold I just think you need clear direction.

1. Make a decision that your relationship is over and take necessary steps. He can live with his mother which means he no longer lives with you, no longer has a key etc.
2. Make an application for child maintenance.
3. Formalise a contact plan. At 12 your daughter can manage her contact arrangement herself to an extent. Ie. If it’s always a Thursday night she can have direct contact with him to arrange pick up time.
4. Visit your go and have your medication checked and explain it is having an impact on you emotional due to your physical difficulties. They may be able to tweak medication to suit you better.
5. Arrange counselling for you, you’ve been through a tough time and you need to talk to someone. That person used to be your partner. But now he is your ex partner it needs to be someone new.
6. Arrange some counselling for your daughter if possible. Just so she has an outlet.
7. Accept the relationship you want is not going to happen with this man.

Thank you for the clear advise . Yes counselling is what I am sorting today for us both and will work out access I want my daughter to have a relationship with her dad no matter what our relationship is like . I have accepted it is over .i want the best for us all .

That's brilliant OP. Counselling can take a good while before you feel better and like I said previously you can often feel worse initially but imho I think in the long run it will help you to rebuilding your life. Best of luck OP.

So he's a narcissist but takes your daughter for days out and checks in with her.
An alcoholic but gave up drink completely at your request.
Withholds money but yet has always paid half living costs.
OCD because he doesn't like your hoarding.
You've described him as 'not normal', as having 'some sort of disorder', as 'deeply damaged'.

I think you may be fairly unwell and massively projecting onto this man. If you don't love him, end the relationship, that bit is simple. But channeling your (considerable) mental health issues into making him into a monster is not helping you, and is probably damaging your child.

x post, good to hear OP. All the best with the counselling.

At 12 it’s now up to your daughter to maintain the relationship with you facilitating it. I would say from today that only she has contact with her father. You can have a calendar up and when she gets something she needs to attend with his support she can contact him and make arrangements.

I can also recommend a book for your collection- Marie kondo spark joy. It may help you get to grips with what you own if needed.

I think it’s important you need to form new friendships and relationships. I’m not sure of what is preventing you socialise so apologies if I say something you can’t access but are their day centres, support groups, the wi in your area that you could access? Or even online. Instagram vero etc are good for connecting with people.

charley, you constantly in your posts make a point about what a good mother you are and what a good home you provide. In many ways that may be true. But, come on Charley, you don’t leave the house. You have complex mental and physical health problems. DD’s other parent is largely absent. In effect DD is largely your carer. It’s a very stressful position for a child that age to be in.

Whilst I’m sure in many ways your home life is positive you need to face up to the fact that for a child a home where one parent has very complex issues and doesn’t leave the house is a very difficult situation. Add into this the fact her parents are splitting and can’t communicate and she’s in a very difficult situation. She needs support and she needs help. You’ve talked about getting her counselling before but you only appear to be willing to have this if it concentrates on how negative her father and school friends are. You’ve been reluctant to start it because you were worried she’d be questioned about the situation at home. Come on Charley, you know this is because you don’t want the issues at home coming to light. Not that it’s a perfect home with no problems. People with perfect homes with no problems aren’t frightened of their children talking to outsiders about home.

You have a choice. You can say ‘Yes I am a good mother and yes I provide a good home but I accept our situation may present difficulties for DD. So we’re going to get support and she’s also going to do the things with her father I can’t do.’ You will end up with a daughter who respects you for putting her before yourself and facing up to your problems.

Or you can carry on with the delusion that a mother who is very ill and doesn’t leave the house is a perfectly normal situation and that it should present no problems for DD. And trying to cut her off from her father, extended family and friends. That is going to create one very messed up young lady who will probably end up hating you.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear. You want posts which will bolster your position and tell you that you are wonderful and ex DH is a bastard. But I really hope on some level this gets through to you. You need to start putting DDs needs first and recognising the impact your problems have on her. Please don’t carry on like this as you are taking a path that is ultimately going to be incredibly destructive for all of you.

I'm glad you are going to do something about this OP in terms of counselling for yourself and your daughter. I've seen some of your previous threads and they are just a repeat of the same issues, ad nauseum. I hope that this time you really do follow through and seek help.

Good luck and I hope your next thread is about the positive changes in your life

Op

You need help pronto since you won’t leave your house.

Also if you are a hoarder you need to seek help for that

Your daughter will not be willing to take friends into a mouse infested cluttered home

It sounds like you might have agoraphobia if you don't want to leave the house, and if you're hoarding. I haven't read your previous threads (I've never bothered to keep track of posters like some people do on here), but it does sound as if you need help urgently as otherwise it will negatively impact on your DD as well as you.

I've never bothered to keep track of posters like some people do on here

Rather snippy.

The OP has a distinctive style of posting (i.e. no paragraphs) and posts about pretty much the same thing every time. If you don't have a goldfish memory then it's fairly easy to remember you've read this all before.

I don't see the problem in reading a posters previous posts. Sometimes it's helpful to build a picture of what that OP is referring to. There's thousands of posters on here so even with a fantastic memory people would find it difficult to remember everything.

As long as you're not dragging up something from another thread to have a go at someone then I don't see the problem.