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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel failed and let down.

56 replies

darkriver198868 · 08/03/2018 21:21

I have written before about the situation with my girls. Tomorrow is the Final Issue Resolation and my girls will be placed on placement orders that free them for adoption.

I have agreed to the adoption as I am not well enough to look after two children alone as I have literally one friend.

I suffered significant sexual abuse at the hands of my step father through out my childhood. My mum refused to believe me and I became isolated from my entire family.

I learnt that social services had FIVE chance to intervene in my childhood. The first time when I was six months old and my mum wasnt taking me to hospital appointments. (I have a serious heart condition) and the final one when I was assessed by a child psychartrist and he reported that it was highly likely that me and my brother have suffered sexual abuse. He informed social workers and nothing was done.

When I was 15 I began to deteriorate with my mental health and I confinded in a teacher what was going on and nothing was done.

From then I have never stayed in one place for long. Struggled to get support. My mental health became pretty stable. I met my now ex husband and had my children. He then decided he couldnt be a dad and wanted a sex change.

I began to struggle with flashbacks and hearing voices urging me to kill myself. Both me and my health visitor begged for help from mental health services and again nothing was done. My children were removed from my care when I suffered a break down and I took an overdose. I still wasnt helped by mental health services. They kept fobbing me off.

I managed to pull myself together and got my girls back in august and then I still struggled to cope. Now they are going to be adopted.

I feel like I failed. I feel like I have been failed and I have lost everything.

OP posts:

Mouseville65 · 08/03/2018 21:28

I don’t know what to say but I couldn’t read this and leave. I’m so sorry for what you have been through and what you are now going through. I will send you healing and pray for you and your girls to have happiness in your lives 💐

Bigpizzalover · 08/03/2018 21:28

That sounds really tough for you, and I am sorry you have gone through everything you have

Is adoption the only way? Or have you explored temporary foster care while you try access help for your MH issues? Open adoption, so you can stay in contact with your girls etc.

When I was suffering from MH (PND/anxiety/‘regular’ depression) my GP was brilliant in arranging counselling and I also got help through works occ health scheme, would you feel comfortable looking at these options? Or maybe looking at paying private to try and come to terms with what has happened?

I hope whatever happens that you can find peace x

TeenTimesTwo · 08/03/2018 21:30

When you are feeling stronger you may find some support from the Adoption board (under Becoming a Parent ). There are adopters there who may be able to reassure you a bit, plus also a few birth parents who might be able to hold your hand.

Mental health services in this country seem to be woefully inadequate.

BlondeB83 · 08/03/2018 21:30

I am so sorry that you have been failed so repeatedly by the shitty system.

missymayhemsmum · 08/03/2018 21:31

So sorry, OP.
Yes, it sounds as though you have been failed, maybe because no-one knows how to help you as an adult partly because the system is crap, and the social workers are (at best) well-meaning overworked people making impossible choices.
I hope you can get the help and therapy you need to heal.

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 08/03/2018 21:31

The gaurdian and social services dont feel its in the best interest for either of those options. Unfortunately due to the nature of my mental illness there is no predictability to how I will respond to treatment. I need intensive treatment.

OP posts:

Caulk · 08/03/2018 21:31

Are you accessing private therapy? I say that as someone who had a similar upbringing to what you have deaciribed and deciding to do it was the thing that stopped me being ashamed and a victim of my story, but helping me to own it and write my ending. It’s expensive and you have to find the right therapist but it’s brilliant and so so worth it.

Chilver · 08/03/2018 21:33

I think you are incredibly strong. Not many people would be able to go through what you have done and still put the needs of their children before themselves. You have not failed. You have fought at every corner to get help; the system has failed you. I hope you keep fighting to get yourself back on track and that you find peace.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 08/03/2018 21:34

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel let down as it sounds very much like you have been.
I'm so sorry about your girls

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 08/03/2018 21:34

At the moment no. I am planning to move in the next 3 months. I lost my home because, I couldnt afford it any longer. Also currently claim benefits and I am awaiting the outcome of my PIP assessment. So I couldnt afford it right now. Plus when I access private therapy I was judge by socials services for doing that.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 08/03/2018 21:35

That sounds like a very rough time of it. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I can see why prioritising the girls means social services have taken this route but you've also been let down. I really hope you can get the mental health support you need.

Tistheseason17 · 08/03/2018 21:38

I am just so sorry that the lack of funding in mental health services has caused this for you.

It was avoidable

Bigpizzalover · 08/03/2018 21:42

So sorry to hear neither of those options are available to you darkriver especially when you have repeatedly asked for help, MH is a horrible ‘health problem’ to suffer from as it really does isolate you from people at a time you need that support. I am always a message away if you just need to let things out. I have not experienced what you are going through, only what I have mentioned in my previous reply but if you just need to speak to someone then no judging here.

I hope my next question doesn’t upset you, as I know you said you was struggling to cope once you had your girls back with yourself, but how is your relationship with them/their ages? Only as I’m wondering are they old enough/close enough to know you really tried and when they are old enough to make that contact back with yourself as this would give you something to look forward to in the future (sorry I didn’t know how to word that) x

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 08/03/2018 21:47

My eldest is 4.I am sad to say she has been affected by my mental health. Due to the nature of the condition she struggles. Sorry I am being vague about it as its a rare condition and most medical professionals dont believe in it. (The court psychatrist did). When we have contact she is always happy to see me and we have a lovely time.

My youngest is 1 and to be honest hasnt really known anything different.

OP posts:

Bigpizzalover · 08/03/2018 21:56

Don’t worry about been vague darkriver it must be so frustrating not been able to get the help you deserve as it’s a rare condition.

Please take some solice in the fact that you DO have a lovely time with your eldest and that she will also remember that about you when growing up. (Again I am so foot in mouth that sounds so much more well meaning in my head)

I am sorry I’ve not been more helpful, the only other things I can suggest apart from to keep talking on here so you are not dealing with this alone is a few charities who are there to support - Samaritans, MIND UK and Together x

ArchchancellorsHat · 08/03/2018 22:05

I remember your other thread, and thought you were so brave. I hope there's a way you can keep in contact with your children and can access the help you need. I'm sorry you've been so let down in the past.

MammaTJ · 08/03/2018 22:05

I have no advice, but did not want to not support you.

This is not your fault, you have tried your best and yes, it seems you have been failed terribly by loads of people who should have helped you.

Will you have letters and visits once they are adopted, so they at least know you? I do hope so.

This is so sad. My heart aches for you.

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/03/2018 22:09

So sorry to hear you haven't had the support you need. You are doing a very brave thing agreeing to let them go.
When they reach adulthood they can look at their SS files and will see how much you loved them, that you loved them enough to know they needed more support than you can give right now.
I really hope that you get the help you need and can start to live your life as it should always have been.
You were more than let down. You were betrayed by the people who should have protected you and I am sorry for that.

Slowtrain2dawn · 08/03/2018 22:12

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
My work involves advocating for women. A mental health worker recently told me she didn’t have time to see one of my (suicidal) clients and if her mental health worsened it would be up to Children’s services to take the kids. When I raised a concern with Children’s services they said it was a mental health issue, not their role and the risk didn’t meet threshold....yet.
I hope you get some proper support soon.
This organisation has a helpline for mothers who are apart from their children for any reason. www.matchmothers.org/index.php/who-we-support

monkeysox · 08/03/2018 22:21

and hugs. Awful situation.
Can the dc dad look after them?
You are right. You have been failed

user365241987 · 08/03/2018 22:25

I am so sorry for your situation OP. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering and as someone else has said, I will pray for you. You have indeed been let down and badly treated. I am so sorry that you have been left unprotected and unsupported. It sounds a heartbreaking situation for you all and I pray that you will be comforted and that you see hope for a positive way forward for you. Please make sure you do all you can to get well and access the mental health support you deserve and need. xx

DancingLedge · 08/03/2018 22:28

Sending love to you.

LeighaJ · 08/03/2018 22:33

You haven't failed, but the system and your family most definitely failed you.

user764329056 · 08/03/2018 22:42

My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry for everything you’ve had to endure xxx

jaynelovesagathachristie · 08/03/2018 22:48

I'm really sorry. It is a heartbreaking situation. Unfortunately as a former social worker in this area they are and have to be focussed on the kids. It's shitty. Will you have letter box contact or anything. What has let you down is adult care do you have a mental health social worker or nurse to get the help you need

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