To feel failed and let down.

[darkriver198868]

I have written before about the situation with my girls. Tomorrow is the Final Issue Resolation and my girls will be placed on placement orders that free them for adoption.

I have agreed to the adoption as I am not well enough to look after two children alone as I have literally one friend.

I suffered significant sexual abuse at the hands of my step father through out my childhood. My mum refused to believe me and I became isolated from my entire family.

I learnt that social services had FIVE chance to intervene in my childhood. The first time when I was six months old and my mum wasnt taking me to hospital appointments. (I have a serious heart condition) and the final one when I was assessed by a child psychartrist and he reported that it was highly likely that me and my brother have suffered sexual abuse. He informed social workers and nothing was done.

When I was 15 I began to deteriorate with my mental health and I confinded in a teacher what was going on and nothing was done.

From then I have never stayed in one place for long. Struggled to get support. My mental health became pretty stable. I met my now ex husband and had my children. He then decided he couldnt be a dad and wanted a sex change.

I began to struggle with flashbacks and hearing voices urging me to kill myself. Both me and my health visitor begged for help from mental health services and again nothing was done. My children were removed from my care when I suffered a break down and I took an overdose. I still wasnt helped by mental health services. They kept fobbing me off.

I managed to pull myself together and got my girls back in august and then I still struggled to cope. Now they are going to be adopted.

I feel like I failed. I feel like I have been failed and I have lost everything.

Open adoptions or more open adoptions are increasingly the direction of travel. Your children's life story work should be clear (in a child friendly way ) about the descisons you made.
It is highly likely that when older your children will reach out and make contact with again.
I wish you the best for the future and I am sure you will become a strong advocate for protecting and listening to children and providing them with therapeutic support if the worst does happen.

OP. I'm an adopter.

I think twice yearly contact with photos is a good level of contact. With social media these days many adopters are reluctant to exchange photos, so if you do receive them that will be a real plus. Furthermore twice yearly contact is double what many birth families seem to get.

Don't let people here or elsewhere build up your hopes for face to face contact. I don't think any of the adopters I am in contact with do face to face, though I know it does occur.

Also the making contact when older. When our eldest was placed they talked about wanting to make contact when 18. But when they got to late teens they decided they weren't mature enough yet to handle a reunion and they want to be a full adult before they explore further. 18yos often have a lot going on in their lives, exams, university, first steps into the adult world.

However, as an adopter I also want to try to reassure you. We always send the best possible photos we can. We write regularly, we encourage our DC to enclose something if they want. We talk positively about their BM and the challenges she was facing at the time they were with her. I am well aware that before I became their Mum, they had another Mum who will always have a place in their hearts.

What you are going through must be heartbreaking. I think the strength you have had to accept the adoption plan and to post here is amazing.

OP you are absolutely amazing. It’s a courageous and very loving thing that you have done. I’m really glad the judge praised you, I hope that makes you realise it’s not just strangers on the net but people who have in depth knowledge of the case who can see what an exceptional person you are.

Good luck with your studies and your therapy. Incidentally, I saw someone on another thread saying that MIND the charity will help advocate for people who are not happy with their MH care. Do you think that might be an option for you?

Hey op.
I was adopted when I was 10 months old because my birth mother couldn’t look after me.

I met her for the first time when I was 21. I’ve never judged her for what she did. It must have been incredibly difficult for her and I admire her selflessness in looking out for me.
I hope you find peace, you are a courageous woman.
Please be kind to yourself x

Darkriver, you have not failed, other people failed you, you sound incredibly strong and are doing what is best for your children no matter how hard it is for you. I hope you get the help you need from MH services.

I know realistically that the chance to have an open adoption is slim to none. Having pictures sent would be a bonus as I wasnt expecting pictures.
As for Mind its something I will consider once I have moved home and settled.