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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel failed and let down.

56 replies

darkriver198868 · 08/03/2018 21:21

I have written before about the situation with my girls. Tomorrow is the Final Issue Resolation and my girls will be placed on placement orders that free them for adoption.

I have agreed to the adoption as I am not well enough to look after two children alone as I have literally one friend.

I suffered significant sexual abuse at the hands of my step father through out my childhood. My mum refused to believe me and I became isolated from my entire family.

I learnt that social services had FIVE chance to intervene in my childhood. The first time when I was six months old and my mum wasnt taking me to hospital appointments. (I have a serious heart condition) and the final one when I was assessed by a child psychartrist and he reported that it was highly likely that me and my brother have suffered sexual abuse. He informed social workers and nothing was done.

When I was 15 I began to deteriorate with my mental health and I confinded in a teacher what was going on and nothing was done.

From then I have never stayed in one place for long. Struggled to get support. My mental health became pretty stable. I met my now ex husband and had my children. He then decided he couldnt be a dad and wanted a sex change.

I began to struggle with flashbacks and hearing voices urging me to kill myself. Both me and my health visitor begged for help from mental health services and again nothing was done. My children were removed from my care when I suffered a break down and I took an overdose. I still wasnt helped by mental health services. They kept fobbing me off.

I managed to pull myself together and got my girls back in august and then I still struggled to cope. Now they are going to be adopted.

I feel like I failed. I feel like I have been failed and I have lost everything.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 08/03/2018 22:59

as a former social worker in this area they are and have to be focussed on the kids

It seems as though the OP has an absolute understanding of this and she has not said that the decision to put the DC up for adoption is wrong.

Oh, and one S in focused. Not 2.

Bettyswitch · 08/03/2018 23:00

You've been massively let down over the years by everyone who should of protected you as a child and helped you as a adult.
My heart honestly hurts for you op.
It clearly shows in your post that you know you need help and i honestly think that you need to fight for whatever treatment that is needed to make you well again, not only for yourself but for your children too.
They will as adults understand why they were adopted and that given your present mental health issues its only possible for someone else to care for them whilst you are unable to do so.
Keep fighting op, even though we are strangers on the internet the majority of MN are backing you and if ever you need a friend/shoulder to lean on please inbox me Flowers

Original poster
darkriver198868 · 08/03/2018 23:10

To those that asked about dad. He hasnt wanted to be involved. He made it clear to social services he has no interest in being involved. He cant see past the sex change he is going through.

I will have 2 letters a year.

I have a CPN but she doesnt agree with the court psychologist about my diagnosis and so I am not getting the support I need.

OP posts:
Sar500 · 08/03/2018 23:10

I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope that one day you will find peace in your life. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through

Chapterandverse · 08/03/2018 23:20

I'm so sorry.

Will your girls be kept together?

Original poster
darkriver198868 · 08/03/2018 23:30

@Chapterandverse yes they will.

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 08/03/2018 23:48

darkriver, you haven’t failed your girls at all. I read your other thread and I think you have been incredibly brave and massively unselfish. You clearly only want the best for them. I think it is a hugely brave and selfless parent who can face the fact that possibly that might not mean remaining with them. It’s clear you care deeply about them, love them very much and want the best for them.

I also hope that you can stay in touch with them. I also think it might be worth you writing down some of what you’ve written on MN re your reasons and asking it to be put in the girls files so if they ever look when they’re adults they can see why this decision was made and how much love you made it with and how hard it was for you to see them go.

I think they’re very lucky to have a mother who puts their welfare before her own needs and has made a very tough decision for their sake.

I’ve actually had a little cry reading some of your posts. You sound like a lovely person who’s been through a terrible time but is still putting her little girls first.

DancingLedge · 09/03/2018 00:09

Good post Elton seconded.

Original poster
darkriver198868 · 09/03/2018 00:35

Thank you for your kind words.
I have written later life letters for them both explaining my reasons.

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 09/03/2018 00:36

I haven't read any of your other posts, but I couldn't read and run on this one. This is absolutely heartbreaking, and I think you're incredible brave. Flowers for you

GameOfPoseys · 09/03/2018 01:09

You haven't failed, you have been failed, by the people over the years that could have helped.

I grew up in the care system. I get it. I remember your previous thread and was overwhelmed at your bravery and putting you daughters first. You really are incredible.

GameOfPoseys · 09/03/2018 01:10

Elton put it so well.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2018 01:26

dark as an adopted child, I'd like to say 'thank you'. Thank you for being brave, honest, and true to your girls, and to yourself. Thank you for caring about them enough to want them to have a better home than you are able to provide (due to your MH issues). You are to be admired, because you have been selfless.

I never met my mother, in 'my day' adoptions were shrouded in secrecy. But if I had had the chance, I would thank her for her selflessness in giving me up. A different reason, but the right decision nonetheless. I had wonderful parents, a wonderful home, and a wonderful life. And my birth mother was just as responsible for my having them as Mum and Dad were. I'm sure your girls will feel the same way when they are adults, especially if/when they become mums themselves.

I'm sorry you had to make this decision. But it sounds as if it's the right one. I know it will hurt for a long time. But don't think that your sacrifice isn't acknowledged. It is.

Peace.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 09/03/2018 01:29

You’ve not failed you are being amazingly altruistic. I feel desperately sad for you as there is such a lack of imagination in supporting you. I am in an associated line of work, one of the services I support give support to mum and child. They have a support worker supporting them 24:7. Another service has a family who live on the same road and have less support but a person to support if needed.

lakeshoreliving · 09/03/2018 01:39

You have every reason to feel let down. However you have made the decision to try and prevent the damage moving onto the next generation. You can do no more.

Backscratchesforever · 09/03/2018 01:55

I’m sorry you were failed!
I do just want to say do best by your kids, not by yourself. If you believe the best thing is to give them a new life and have them adopted, then do that. Perhaps you can write them letters to explain it isn’t their fault, incase they ever ask?

Big hugs Flowers

Backscratchesforever · 09/03/2018 01:56

Sorry I have only just seen your OST saying you have done letters.
Be strong, but reach out for the help you need. You and your kids will have made a huge sacrifice, make it worth it.

MarSeeAh · 09/03/2018 01:58

You have not failed. You are doing a remarkable and loving thing for your girls. I am so sorry that it couldn't be any other way, but you are so brave and so insightful.

I hope very much that you are able to get the help and support that you need, and have needed for so long.

I admire your courage.

stolemyusername · 09/03/2018 02:10

I'm so sorry that you have been so massively let down by the very system that was supposed to save you.

You have not failed, you have been failed.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/03/2018 02:45
Flowers

You have been let down. I hope that things improve

HarrietBasset · 09/03/2018 07:56

I am so sorry OP.
I am a mental health worker and some of my background is working in a women's organisation specialising in childhood sexual abuse and sexual violence, i think I know the condition you have. There is a very good specialist support group/charity for this condition and they can recommend specially trained therapists in this area. You probably already know about the charity but if not feel free to message me and I can send you the details. I really feel for you and am so sorry that you've been let down so badly x

bastardkitty · 09/03/2018 08:04

I really feel for you. You have been so badly let down and it is obvious you want what's best for your children. I really hope you can access the right support. You deserve some peace x

Original poster
darkriver198868 · 09/03/2018 12:36

Well its over.
The original family the girls were going to go to have withdrew there application due to potential genetic problem that may or may not affect them when they are older. So social services will be looking for alternatives.

Interestingly they are looking at it being a possible open adoption but that is not agreed. They have agreed bi yearly letter box contact with pictures which I am pleased about.

The judge commended me for my brave and selfless decision. She said that was very rare for someone in my position to act as I have. She said she was confident that in the future that once I have had the sufficent therapy that I will be able to be a mum again as I am still young.

My heart is broken and I begin the lifetime of grief I will inevitably feel. My intention is to being study in law next year as I want to help other women who have suffered as I have.

Thank you all for kind words.

OP posts:
Original poster
darkriver198868 · 09/03/2018 12:39

May affect the children when there old sorry.

OP posts:
FizzyDipDabs · 09/03/2018 12:53

Flowers You wow me OP. You're amazing, really amazing. The judge was right in what she said.