AIBU to feel so sad and angry and think this is not normal behaviour

[Shocked123]

Back story - my DB is divorced. Him and ex-SIL co-parent their young children amicably, and, to a certain extent, seem to make it work. Ex-SIL has a history of being controlling and, I feel emotionally abusive, towards my gentle easily manipulated brother. It seems to have got worse over the years. She often makes unreasonable demands around childcare, but for the sake of my gorgeous nephew and niece whom we all adore, my extended family and I have never got involved and always maintained a friendly relationship with her.

It's become really obvious over the years that SIL is doing less and less actual childcare. When the kids are not with my DB, they are either with specific relatives or in various after-school clubs. On a regular week, my DB says she has the kids for two mornings before school and two evenings from 5ish 'til bedtimes. Never ever consecutively. She has said she 'has had enough of them' after one evening. The eldest is starting to ask questions as to why Mum never looks after them.

Today is the eldest's birthday. The plan was to have a family meal get together at her house, as it's the kids primary residence. SIL works very flexible work hours so they arranged she would collect the kids from school then DB would go over after work for a little party. She called DB midday to say she is unwell (sinusitis) so now can't collect the kids from school (which is walking distance from her house, and so DB needs to leave work immediately to come over to hers, to 'tidy the house and buy stuff for the party tea, then collect the children from school. He works a train ride away and cannot just walk out of work. For once he refused to do her bidding, so now the party is off, also she feels too worn out look after them tonight. She regularly pulls these stunts but as my brother kept repeating to me on the phone. 'It's her child's birthday... ' She has form for getting really really angry if my bro doesn't do what she says, and she threatens to end his contact with his children.

I feel so desperately sad for my nephew and his little sister. He is expecting a family party but now that won't happen as none of the family will travel over to my brother's house. Just for the record, my niece and nephew are darlings. Well-behaved and no real trouble at all.

So after all that, my question is AIBU to think this isn't normal maternal behaviour is it?

NO. She is a lazy horror. People do what works for them so she has learned to get other people to do everything for her. Not wanting spend time with your children or do actually 'mothering' jobs, I don't understand. Some people just don't seem to be maternal / paternal.

I seriously doubt she will cut off contact, then she would have to look after them all the time.
Has this ever been to court?
If not I would suggest to your brother to consider getting it all down in a legally binding way so she cannot cut him off.
It's normal for some. Mothers are just people, some are selfish, manipulative and lazy.

I feel too removed from this to say, probably because you are. We don't know whether she has health issues, depression, etc.

She won't cut contact as she doesn't want to take care of them.
She sounds exactly like my brothers ex.
You really feel for the kids.
It's hard to understand as a mother. Mine go to their dad's every second weekend and I really miss them, even though I still bring them to their activities on the Saturday.

Maybe your bro can do something special for him when he has him.

Why doesn't he get legal advice aiming to become the resident parent?

Could you and DB arrange a party for them another evening, just to soften the blow a bit?

It doesn't look good, op. But good for him for putting his foot down. He needs to learn to say 'no' when she's being manipulative.

I think court is the next step. It can't carry on; it's affecting everyone (except her, it seems).

Agree with Pengggn. On the face of she sounds lazy and disinterested but could she be depressed and finding it hard to cope?

I understand why you're annoyed and upset but sometimes there's reasons why some women don't appear that maternal. Her dc sound lovely so she must be doing something right, yes?

Yes I understand she has suffered from mental health issues and has ongoing treatment.

They have had some mediation regarding custody I think.

She manages to hold down a very professional job and lots of extra-curricular activities and hobbies which often necessitate going away for long weekends as she does a sport. Early morning starts for the hobby as well which is why she only does a few school drop-offs.

What I want to know is at what point does the mental health excuse cease to be valid? If someone is really really struggling, then yes of course they need help, but surely even the deepest depression, with family around you to support you, you could stick a pizza in the oven and whack on a smile for your son's birthday.

It's a shame but I don't see the point of directing anger at her or calling her behaviour abnormal. Some women aren't very maternal and discover too late that they find parenting boring and tiring.

It would be better to be more practical and try to ensure the dc can spend more time with the family members who really care about them, from the sounds of it their mother would be very happy for that to happen.

I don't think any of us can comment on that, and I think your insistence that someone with a serious mental health problem can 'whack on a smile' is offensive.

I'm afraid I know fuck all about these things and really don't want to ask too many questions about custody but ex-SIL has the big family home in her name, the career and the willing extended family around her to support her being the resident parent. They live five hours away from us.

Her kids are a credit to her and my DB in terms of their personality and behaviour. We love them so so much and I wish we lived closer to them. They come and see us as often as they can and we do a lot of Skype and Whatsapping. I can see the older child is starting to clock on to her behaviour and has started to ask questions.

What I want to know is at what point does the mental health excuse cease to be valid?

I'm afraid I know fuck all about these things

Believe you, I do.

Right, so she's having on going treatment for mental health issues but you think she's using this as an excuse? Sorry but I think your attitude is wrong.

Would your brother actually be able to be the resident parent? If yes why doesn’t he chat to her and see if that’s what she really wants? Could he move nearer to the family home to facilitate this?

She sounds lazy op

The more you post the more transparent you are. Not a good look OP.

Give the op a break people. Children growing up with a mum/dad with mental
Health issues do suffer. It’s a sad situation but the op is worried about the children she’s not looking deeply at her sils issues.

Op there’s another thread about MN verses RL.. yours would fit right in there I am afraid.

Ruffian I think you are right about ensuring the children spend time with people who care and largely that is what happens.

I'm not directing anger towards her. I don't plan on doing anything. I just am angry. And it's ok for people to have emotions. I'm angry that yet again, she has cancelled on her children, on a birthday of all days, and my DB is picking up the pieces.

Theresasmayshoes11

No, she isn't. She criticising the SIL. "Not maternal", "stunts", "excuses".

She has her kids, alone, 2 days a week. I assume they are with your brother at least 1-2 then, and 2 days with family or clubs.

She has mental health issues. She holds down a good job, is a single parent, keeps a house, her children are happy, loved, well behaved and ‘a credit’ to her.

So.. you don’t like her then.
Your brother should be there to ‘pick up the pieces.’ He’s their father. He’d have to do a lot more if he still lived with them.

peng maybe but people with mental health issues can appear very self centred. My mum was and is. It’s s miserable childhood to be honest. Children should be first and not blaming the sil but it’s tough in the kids.

The op is obviousiy a great aunty. Credit her with thinking about the kids here.

Pengggwn

I really am equipped with far more experiential data regarding my ex-SIL and her patterns of behaviour than you are. I also have experience with mental health issues - both my own and a parent with a personality disorder. I also have training in mental health services.

Theresasmayshoes11

Yes it is extremely tough.

even the deepest depression, with family around you to support you, you could stick a pizza in the oven

That's really really not how depression works. She sounds as though she is struggling to me.

I don't really understand the custody arrangement - is it 50-50 residency at each parent's house and then these pre- and after-school arrangements are in place to allow each parent to fulfil work obligations? If so, it sounds as if each parent has enough time to work, commute, keep house, follow hobbies...you think she is prioritising those other things over her allotted time with the children and outsourcing that time. You think that if her mental health issues allow her to hold down a good job, engage in hobbies, organise travel to participate in said hobbies, then she should have enough bandwidth to pay her children more attention, especially on a birthday. Sinusitis doesn't impede walking, although it does give unpleasant headaches, but a parent who wanted to put their child first on their birthday could push through that, you might think. Based on what you've said, OP, I'm
inclined to agree with you, and feel sorry for these children who seem to have a rather self-centred, self-absorbed mother.