WIBU to put a formal complaint in to GP practice?

[PeapodBurgundy]

Had a traumatic labour and birth with DS. I've been through the channels and said my piece on that, several aspects were mishandled, and the communication between each other, and with myself and DP was abysmal. (To add context, the services have since been branded inadequate for the exact reasons I flagged up, so I'm not the only woman to have been treated this way).
We decided we would like another child, but I was quite frankly petrified of a repeat performance. I booked an appointment with the GP who supported me through the situation so knew the ins and outs to discuss my concerns. I asked if it would be possible to have my care managed through a different hospital, but still try for a home birth. He looked into it, and confirmed that yes it was possible for me to do this with a GP referral under the circumstances.

After lengthy discussions, we decided to try for number 2, and I'm currently pregnant. Now that it's too late, the hospital have refused to let me book with them unless I agree to a hospital birth. We've been left in the position of having to choose to be manages by the team who caused all of the problems last time, or to agree to a hospital birth.

Is it unreasonable of me to write a complaint to the GP surgery regarding the misinformation? If I'd known this was the situation, we would not have chosen to have another baby, and I briefly even considered a termination, but decided that would be much worse. I'm not taking a big ranty effort, but to flag up how let down I feel by being poorly informed? I'm finding it hard to judge as I'm very emotional at the moment. I can't really discuss it with family as my Nana just passed away, so I don't want to be selfish and pile more onto them.

SciFi, moving for a month would be horrendous! We're not going to sell a house we've owned for a matter of weeks, to rent for a month! That's assuming we COULD sell the house, and that somebody would let a property for such a short space of time. The costs involved would be astronomical. That's a totally impractical solution for us.

Himynameissm I'm obviously not as robust as you, but I'm not going to apologise for that. You appear to have deliberately ignored the fact that I would be booked for a home birth regardless. I was booked for now with DS, and hope to have one with DC2.

If everyone was able to pull themselves together there would be no need for antidepressants or anything would there.

op I am so sorry your traumatic experience is still affecting you so deeply. That is of course the main issue here and nothing to do with hospitals or whether or not any particular group of people is more or less likely to fuck up your birth plans. The after affects must be profound indeed for you to have considered terminating rather than giving birth at the same hospital .

Its clear that you have not been able to process and move on from your experience yet and still carry a lot of pain and anger regarding what happened. It sounds as though proving fault on the part of hospital has not fixed the damage to your confidence in either yourself or the system?

I would focus on this aspect. Have you sought therapy to help process the trauma you experienced?

My wish that we hadn't tried for number 2 isn't a direct result of the birth situation, but more a worry that the effect of all of this on my mental health will affect my ability to effectively parent. Had I known the full facts beforehand, we would not have ttc, and would have enjoyed DS as an only child.

Trauma is deeply personal, the same event will traumatise one person and not another. One person will recover quickly and another may never.

BUT, I believe almost all traumatic experiences can be processed, sometimes with help from professionals, and that this can leave people not only with reduced symptoms but fundamentally more resilient to trauma in the future.

I think in that respect your worries may be over emphasised.

You have had a terrible experience, but you have recovered. your resilience may already be better as a result of that process.

Before your first birth you may not have ever experienced such terrible dehumanising treatment before. The shock of discovering that people would ignore your wishes and make mistakes with your care may have been a significant part of the trauma. If it happens again, then at least you won't be as shocked by it, having already experienced it once?

This is a made up example that might not be relevant to you specifically, but we learn from our prior experiences and a repeat event would not necessarily leave you as vulnerable as the first one did.

@Morphene one of the risk factors for birth trauma is having experienced a previous trauma so I don't think it's true that trauma makes you more resilient.

As other GPs have said on this thread- please don't put in a formal complaint. It sounds like the GP really tried to help you and had been kind and supportive before. I have been a GP for 10 years and have not the first idea of how the midwives are commissioned in my area so can absolutely understand how they got it wrong.

Many GPs are working 12 hour days just to try and get through the amount of clinical work and many are teetering on the edge of leaving due to the stress of the job. A formal complaint from someone you were really trying to help knocks you sideways. I know many people for whom this was just the last straw and the catalyst to them quitting altogether. It also means hours of meetings, letters and soul searching. Please don't do this to someone who was trying to help. Maybe have a brief chat or send them an email.

I understand that you are disappointed and that you have had a difficult time but please don't displace your anger onto someone who was trying to do their best for you.

Sorry I can’t read the full thread as it is bringing back memories of my first birth. Luckily we moved house between children but I sympathise as I wouldn’t have had my second child if I had had to use the same hospital. Are you aware of the organisations, The Birth Trauma Association and Birth Rights? Also The Positive Birth Movement. One of these may be able to offer you some support. If you are feeling anxious it may help to seek a referral to the perinatal mental health team. I saw them when pregnant with number 2 owing to the trauma of number 1. They helped me to put in place more support including writing things like “this patient needs to be informed and asked for consent for all procedures”. It is awful that that ian’t the standard of care everyone can expect but it gave me some peace of mind. Also you mention not wanting to move away from family and friends but then sqy that your husband will have to be at home with your first child if you go into hospital. I told friends about how traumatic my first birth had been and got a rota of people willing to look after my child and/or cone and sit with me in hospital. My friend ended up taking 2 days off work to help out. People are surprisingly kind if you ask for help. You sound like you could really use some support. It is hard to labour whilst being constantly on guard.

I hope that your second birth is calm and healing.

If your consultant is pro home birth and you have confidence in her, then unless for an emergency you should be ok for a home birth, if you should need hospitalisation, then I imagine the birth history from last time will be on your notes, and they will be aware you were very unhappy at your treatment last time, so therefore will be much more careful and considerate and communication will be better

mirime it can go either way....leave you more vulnerable or more resilient depending on how it affected you.

@Morphene then surely it's better not to risk it causing more pain? She's been through enough of that and needs to protect herself as best as she can.

The complaint wouldn't be out of anger, it would be with an aim to improving communication and outcomes for other women. Not having a clue about how something works is surely a cue to say 'I don't known rather than make up the answer when the consequences are so extreme?

Apples there isn't anyone who I can leave DS with, he's only been left with his Dad twice (I'll be leaving him more in the run up to the birth in case I end up hospitalised so he'll be more used to being without me).

Isadora, I'm not debating the home birth, I'm booked in for one as that's the priority for us.

The whole point of wanting my care managed through a different hospital was to break as many associations as possible with the last birth, to try to minimise it negatively impacting this time.

Pea pod - I didn't mean to sell your house, you can have your house clean and ready to move back into once the baby is here... I meant to just rent somewhere for a month close to the hospital and just have your essentials there, it's only a month after all - there are lots of short term lets, ask a few letting agents.

Meant kindly. The GP went above and beyond for you here. As you say, they supported you through your post-birth trauma (yes, just doing their job admittedly) There are so many referral pathways that change all the time, I’m sure the GP genuinely wanted to help you, but in doing-so has inadvertently created another problem here- worsening your anxiety, and potentially leading to a complaint. Complaints about poor or negligent care should be learned-from and date I say welcomed and expected. This is not such a scenario and will feel like a slap in the face for a busy GP. It will take time to respond-to that can be better spent caring for the sick. Your GP will think “Why should I bother going above and beyond in future?”
Please try and move on from this. In dwelling on the anger and negativity you are detracting from this pregnancy and shutting down any chance of enjoying it. I’m not a big believer in long drawn-out debriefs, neither would I say to anyone “Pull yourself together” as that is just cruel. Equally, putting things behind you and expecting a positive happy outcome is far healthier. Please try to remain flexible in your expectations though. Aim for a home birth by all means but mentally plan for what would happen if you need a transfer and emergency section. Rigid birth plans can be really really unhelpful for mental health when things happen unexpectedly.
Good luck x

there isn't anyone who I can leave DS with, he's only been left with his Dad twice (I'll be leaving him more in the run up to the birth in case I end up hospitalised so he'll be more used to being without me)

I mean this really kindly OP but you need to consider someone else having your DS. You’ve mentioned you have got friends and family in the area, and I’d bet my life that not even a close friend would have your DS when you go in to labour if you asked and planned this in advance (I have been a plan B for a not that close friend in the past in case her own DM couldn’t get there in time; and I’ve also sat for my neighbours children when there was an emergency during one pregnancy which actually resulted in premature labour and me stopping all night, getting kids ready for school and dropping them off, I barely knew the family)

My point is that you need to have your DH with you throughout your labour including if it is a home birth (what will your DS be doing if your DH is needed by you?)

Then, planning ahead and thinking of worse case scenario, if you do end up in hopistal, he needs to be there too.

As such, your priority should be putting a plan in place to have your DS looked after whilst you labour so you have DH there to execute your wishes on your labour.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through what you’ve gone through. I think the feedback to the GP could be done after the birth. See if you feel differently about it once baby arrives.

For now, focus on your birth plan based on HB and then to hospital 1, or birth at hospital 2. Either option still requires your DH to be at the centre of that. That’s where you need to sort out childcare for DS as priority.

It's not that I won't consider leaving DS with anyone, it's that there's nobody to leave him with who is both capable and available. Childcare is sorted, DP will be caring for him if I have a home birth or otherwise.

So who will be your birth partner? I'm sorry I think it's completely mad to make you dh do childcare rather than being with you for the birth.

I won't have a birth partner. I'm not 'making's DP do anything. We discussed it briefly, but there wasn't anything to really talk about, as there isn't anyone who is able to mind him. It may sound mad to you, but we have no other option.

It may sound mad to you, but we have no other option

It doesn’t sound mad. It sounds sad

It’s sad that you don’t have anyone to care for your son (paid, family or friend) so that you can be cared for during the most vulnerable time of your life (childbirth).

I’m only mentioning this as you’ve referred to family and friends in one of your posts. I find it hard to believe that no one is available or “capable” as you say.

MIL isn't local and is elderly (I'm the eldest of my siblings to a younger Mam, DP is the youngest of his siblings to an older Mam. MIL is only 3 years younger than my late Nana, and not in the best of health so not capable of running around after a toddler). BIL is a drug addict and isn't allowed anywhere near DS, much less to provide childcare (which by default rules out SIL).
DM shift works on a zero hour contract, she couldn't afford to lose pay, nor could we afford to make it up for her (her holiday allowance is integrated into her hourly rate so she doesn't get paid leave). My sister is on the other side of the country at university, and my brother has severe autism so isn't capable.
I only have two friends who would be able to manage DS's healthcare needs (long winded and irrelevant to the post), they both have DC of their own and jobs, so aren't available.
I wouldn't leave him with a stranger until his language is good enough to tell me how he has been himself, so hiring is out of the question.
It's not ideal, but it is what it is. We knew the situation before we tried for number 2.

Are you in a position to pay an independant midwife to attend the birth at home so you can have the care at the hospital of your choice

We can't stretch to an indi midwife, but we're trying to find a Doula (struggling, but some ladies from this thread have inboxed me some pointers which I'm grateful for). I don't have a hospital of choice, I'm booked for a home birth the same as last time.

I feel for you OP. You’ve had a nasty experience and are trying your best to protect yourself.

Ignore those who take the view that a live baby to take home is the only relevant factor. And I’ve had that not happen.

I know you think this is impossible but I would really strongly recommend that you revisit having a birth partner as I think this should be the no 1 priority and will really help you’re mental state. Your family may not be able to support buti am sure friends would be willing to help step in for childcare, even if there are certain extra needs. If I may be frank (and I mean this kindly) the fact he has very rarely been left with his own father does suggest that you are maybe overprotective here?

alternatively what about taking a sensible friend As birth partner? If I were your friend I would feel so sad if I subsequently found out you went through labour alone because you wouldn’t ask me for help for either childcare or to support you.

I'm a SAHM, DP works, he's rarely here, plus I don't go anywhere or myself, so there's been no need to leave him. On the occasions I've needed to go somewhere not suitable for DS (eg visiting Nana while she was ill), I left him. He still breastfed until a few weeks ago when the pregnancy killed off my milk supply, so it just wasn't possible to go anywhere without him without a very good reason. Not overprotective, just impractical for it to be any other way.
I wouldn't want a friend with me. They're all women I've only met through having DS, I wouldn't feel at all comfortable having them there, it would make things worse. As for caring for DS, aside from the two Mams I know through their DC having the same condition, it would require nurse training for them to be able to manage DS's care needs, so it's not possible.