WIBU to put a formal complaint in to GP practice?

[PeapodBurgundy]

Had a traumatic labour and birth with DS. I've been through the channels and said my piece on that, several aspects were mishandled, and the communication between each other, and with myself and DP was abysmal. (To add context, the services have since been branded inadequate for the exact reasons I flagged up, so I'm not the only woman to have been treated this way).
We decided we would like another child, but I was quite frankly petrified of a repeat performance. I booked an appointment with the GP who supported me through the situation so knew the ins and outs to discuss my concerns. I asked if it would be possible to have my care managed through a different hospital, but still try for a home birth. He looked into it, and confirmed that yes it was possible for me to do this with a GP referral under the circumstances.

After lengthy discussions, we decided to try for number 2, and I'm currently pregnant. Now that it's too late, the hospital have refused to let me book with them unless I agree to a hospital birth. We've been left in the position of having to choose to be manages by the team who caused all of the problems last time, or to agree to a hospital birth.

Is it unreasonable of me to write a complaint to the GP surgery regarding the misinformation? If I'd known this was the situation, we would not have chosen to have another baby, and I briefly even considered a termination, but decided that would be much worse. I'm not taking a big ranty effort, but to flag up how let down I feel by being poorly informed? I'm finding it hard to judge as I'm very emotional at the moment. I can't really discuss it with family as my Nana just passed away, so I don't want to be selfish and pile more onto them.

You really need to focus on the end result here. You want a baby, and are very lucky to be fair if you get a healthy baby, and although the manner it is born in does matter it it a means to an end only.

I think you should mention this to the GP surgery, just so they don't give misinformation to any other women.

Where I live, the community midwives cover home births, they are a completely different team to the hospital midwives. I think you should work on mentally preparing yourself for the possibility you may end up in hospital - nothing in labour is guaranteed.

Firstly, I've RTFT. Am I the only one to be shocked that you are sometimes wishing you weren't pregnant and would not have got pregnant if you knew what you know now?

Any pregnancy can end up going 'off plan'. In my group of friends we have had 20 babies between us. Not one single birth went as Mum had wanted. But every single baby was wanted. Some of these births were traumatic, 1 unexpected water birth, 1 born in under 1 hour, several c sections, 4 3rd degree tears and so on.

I only say this as my pregnancy had a number of twists and turns. The plan had to change with each of them. One focus remained, what is the best outcome for my baby and me? To focus on the end result, not the journey. I will never forget the comment I had from a nurse during my first attempt at IVF. I was worried I wouldn't be able to inject myself (having never done it before, I was flapping a bit). She said "Do you want a baby or not?"

If you want this baby, you will do whatever it takes to bring them in to this world safely. Educate yourself, get DH to advocate for you when you can't and be ready to work with the team you choose to trust your delivery with.

Would your DH benefit from practising assertiveness before birth? Or a friend? You need someone to back you up.

If it had been me going into hospital and them attempting to start inducing me, I'm so stubborn that I would have got up and left, dragging DH behind me. I appreciate that not everyone is that stubborn (side effect of the autism!) but you need someone who can do that for you, who will say no and take you home, call the hospital for the midwives and repeatedly tell them that they are duty bound to attend to you at home no matter what they say.

I disagree that you need to focus solely on the end result, you need as good an experience as possible to avoid being at risk of pnd or ptsd. Your physical and mental health is just as important.

Daily I can't feel worse about that fact than I already do. I worry because if I get as ill post birth as I did last time, I'll struggle to care for the baby, much less a toddler too. The chances of my mental health taking a nosedive under these circumstances are much higher than if I was pregnant under the circumstances which we were told were possible. If I knew it was going to be this way, I wouldn't have tried for another baby, knowing that I could possible end up poorly and unable to care for them effectively. I don't think that's an unreasonable reason not to want to try for another baby; it becomes awful now that I'm already pregnant. I did what I could to make an informed choice before falling pregnant. It hasn't worked out that way. It's all very well and good saying focus on getting them through the pregnancy and birth safely, but children don't raise themselves at the other end of that process.

Gummy if I end up in hospital again, DP won't be there, he'll be at home with DS, I'd be by myself. There's nobody else who could be with me.
I know my rights this time, so I'm in less of a vulnerable position than last time, but there are ghosts which will likely come back. Last time I didn't realise I could refuse things relating to the labour like I could for any other medical issue, so I accepted what they said I had to do. Small example, I asked if I could come off the monitor for half an hour to walk about to try to ease the pain in my back and get my contractions going a bit, and was told I wasn't allowed. The answer should have been, 'we advise against, but yes you can'. All of that becomes irrelevant when I now know they had several mobile monitors so I could have been on the monitor AND got up for a walk.

OP you must have known that you cannot control the outcome here though - wanting a home birth never guarantees you one, there are many reasons why you could need to transfer to hospital. Also you could easily end up requiring induction again for medical need or premature rupture of membranes again. I am not sure you fully understand that childbirth is out of your control - just because your induction last time MAY not have been necessary, does not mean you can definitely avoid it again this time.

I do orry that you are setting yourself up for a very hard road again with this expectation of achieving a homebirth.

I honestly do not understand why you say you would not have had this baby had you known you would require a hospital birth, I find this truly shocking.

Daily that’s a completely different situation. What you describing is whatbthe OP lived in her first birth. Things not going to plan when they are supposed to be all ok.

What the OP is describing is deciding to be pregnant KNOWING it was going to be hard due to previous birth issues and THEN learning that was she out in place didn’t work so things are likely to be even WORSE than the first time.

OP I would take things in a very different way and look for a doula and/or independent midwife. Have someone with you that will be able to be there for you all throughout the labour. That will be able to speak up for you and will have all the knowledge necessary so that you don’t experience a repeat of the first birth.
Have a review with them about what has happened last time and check what would be the best for you this time round. A home birth or at hospital.

I would let the GP know, even if you dint put a complain through. They need to know that what they thought was possible isn’t as well as the HUGE répercutions it has on you.
And then do whatever is best for YOU so you can give birth safely and in a way that is as stress free as possible.

Miss no one is obliged to have an induction if they dont want to. Ditto for breaking the membranes etc...
This is up to woman to make that choice and it needs to be an INFORMED choice, which ime never is. There is always a huge pressure on women to do as they are told.
But it’s certainly possible to refuse all of that.

OP.. I have PMed you. Let me know if you don't seem to have it

Then a doula is your best bet if the private midwife is a bit much. They will be assertive for you and support you if you do end up in hospital. What rough area of the country are you in?

MissDuke, that's NOT what I said. I said I wouldn't have had another had I known that it was either under the same hospital, or a planned hospital birth with no birth partner.

I'm under consultant care (same consultant as last time) she is very pro-home birth, and assuming there are no changes between now and August, is happy for me to birth at home. Last time I was discharged from her care before the birth, this time she's said she'll keep me under her care until the baby is born, so I'll have an advocate who I know will only suggest I birth in hospital for good reason.
I'm aware you can't plan births or control their outcome, and I'm aware that intervention is sometimes necessary. The thing that's frustrating me, is having to choose between poor care where wishes are ignored and interventions performed for no good reason, or birthing alone, when I tried to establish that this wouldn't be the case BEFORE we tried for another baby.

it is not an ideal situation but community and hospital midwives are generally separate, a midwife based in the hospital doesn't go out to home births, sometimes if it is exceptionally busy in hospital and community midwives are not to busy they will be called in to help but not often. Although if a community midwife transfers in with a labouring woman who was having a home birth that is not going as planned she usually stays with her at the hospital.

I would speak to your community midwife about the information you were given and your concerns

@DailyMailareDicks

Firstly, I've RTFT. Am I the only one to be shocked that you are sometimes wishing you weren't pregnant and would not have got pregnant if you knew what you know now?

That's pretty much how I felt after I'd given birth (induction) and my baby had been taken off to SCBU while I went theatre to have a third degree tear stitched and I didn't see him again until the next day. And my DS was much wanted and is very much loved.

Why is it shocking? OP had a traumatic birth first time round, these things have an effect on you, sometimes long-term.

Keep some money aside and Get a taxi.

Move house

you poor thing. this sounds awful.
I had all of mine at home, in any area where there are SOME HBs, but not many. Not much encouragement for DC1 (I think there never is) but nobody actively tried to stop me. Terrible MW for DC2, who fortunately went off sick before the birth, so I actually had the same (lovely) people as DC1. And then another totally different, very positive, encouraging, supportive experience for DC3.
So I guess my point is that things really do change, even in just 2 or 3 years. The individual MW matters a great deal, and the organisational set up just seems to keep on shifting about.

I found that the community MWs were enthusiastic about HB, and lots of them said they hoped they'd be on shift (in the MW-led unit, which is where they came out from) when I went into labour.
Two other things:

• don't underestimate how totally different things are in your own home, where the MWs are visitors (cf you visiting a hosp - their territory) - friends who have birthed in both places say it's totally different
• don't fret too much about whether you'll put your baby at risk by being irrational. A dear friend was completely set on a HB after two sections, had a doula and an IM, and then shocked everyone by demanding, mid-labour to go to hosp. They all tried to persuade her out of it (knowing what she'd wanted) but she was adamant that she needed to be there - and guess what, her scar was rupturing. So even her utter commitment to HB, plus everyone trying to persuade her to stay at home, didn't make her put her baby at risk (baby was fine - rupture wasn't detected when they first got to hosp, when drs etc. said all was fine and what was the fuss - only about half an hour later).

I hope you can find some peace w all this.

Thank you for understanding Mirime; I feel guilty as hell, it I can't help they way I feel. With my mental health history, it would be stupid of me to bury the feelings just because they're not nice. I'm trying to deal with things, and get things into perspective, but it's a lot to process, and I have more than just the pregnancy to deal with at the moment. But Rome wasn't built in a day and all that jazz.
SciFi, we've just had an offer accepted to move within our own town, aside from the fact that we can't afford anything more than a flat in the town with the other hospital, it would mean moving away from family and friends, taking DS away from is groups, friends and routines, and taking DP to a place where he can't get to work in time meaning he'd have to change jobs. Not easy in his field at the level he's at, it would likely mean a significant pay cut. Unless you're suggesting we move, and then move back after the birth?
Higlgy, the community midwives are aware, as they were involved when I went through PALS after DS's birth.

Would you be able to take a short term rental property for a month near to the hospital?

Get over yourself. I had a traumatic awful birth and actually ended up receiving compensation from the NHS.. by that hasn’t stopped me having my second child there. You need to read ‘this is going to hurt’ come back in to the real world! A home birth would be a hell lot more traumatic if something went wrong then at a hospital. Regardless if it was the same staff or not (which it won’t be) as they change every 12 months!

@PeapodBurgundy It's ok. I spent my first night as a mum basically wishing I'd never done it. I think I was in shock, I was certainly quite numb and have felt guilty about that since. Having a traumatic birth is just that, traumatic.

Talking of which...

@himynameiss

Get over yourself. I had a traumatic awful birth and actually ended up receiving compensation from the NHS.. by that hasn’t stopped me having my second child there.

Charming. We're not all you. I'm not having a second child at all because of my experience and I couldn't go back to the same hospital as the maternity unit there was closed down. Still not doing it again though, I'd prefer to protect my mental health and be a good mum to DS.

... is that last post for real? Surely nobody is that unpleasant.

Well done himynameiss, you saw the lack of nastiness on this thread and decided to fill that void.

Just because you were able to do something, doesn't mean everyone else can. Telling someone to pull themselves together and get over a traumatic experience is surprisingly not an actual treatment technique.

(Crossed with mirime, obvs)

I’m not being nasty and that wasn’t intended I just think OP should pull herself together and not complain about GP surgery or be having thoughts of terminating because she can’t give birth at home or because of previous experience. There are plenty of women begging to have children.....