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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I alone in wondering where the WOMEN wanting to trans are?

999 replies

loveyouradvice · 08/03/2018 08:33

They feel so invisible....

Everywhere I look there are men who have or are transitioning to be transwomen - on magazine covers, on all women shortlists, in the media....

But where are the natal born women who are/have transitioned?

The only two I've come across are:

  • one who detransitioned and wrote movingly about it, after ten years as a transman
  • the american high school wrestler who is fighting to be allowed to fight in men's categories
OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
RatRolyPoly · 16/03/2018 14:02

It's a nice thread isn't it! Notably in AIBU, hence I'm here Wink

Datun · 16/03/2018 14:02

However, when you start saying that it's alright to call people 'parasites', challenge their medical diagnoses, defend people who have been suspended by the Labour Party or questioned by the police for threats of violence, malicious communication or harassment, then I think that you're either behaving like those you've described or you defending those who behave that way.

You're not posting in good faith.

You weren't at the meeting, you haven't read the exit interviews, you haven't read the police complaint addressed to Posie.

You are pretending that this is a balanced debate. When it isn't. You are pretending that feminists are behaving in the same way as transactivists. NOT reacting to them.

Feminists aren't going round threatening peoples employers and families. They're not routinely sending die in a fire texts and tweets to people, ffs.

Feminists arent claiming that there is no such thing as sexual orientation, homo or hetero.

It's just bollocks.

Is this written by feminists or to feminists?

terfisaslur.com/

People can read, you know.

Datun · 16/03/2018 14:06

I think that the police listening in on us is about as likely as seeing anyone in a latex naked bodysuit in the high street.

Not really. MNHQ have already had to delete one thread because of the police. They were told to hand over the details of the people posting, or delete the thread.

On that occasion, they chose the latter.

Datun · 16/03/2018 14:07

It was a thread on AIBU, too. Not FWR.

Beholdtheflorist · 16/03/2018 14:10

I'm sorry but , with respect, that makes zero sense to me. How can you know that your biology, the fact you have been socialised as female and are , presumably, perceived as female by all who meet you plays no part in your own perception of yourself as female. You cannot divorce yourself from your body and even removing the influence of your upbringing is hard. Sharp suits and flats shoes don't mean most people see you as anything other than female. With the weight of millennium of expectations around females how can you think how you see yourself is purely all down to what you think in your head, quite in isolation to any other cultural expectations? Unless you were raised on an island as the only inhabitant I don't buy it.

Hello. That's ok. I wasn't asking you to!

FWIW, very very rarely in my life, in fact I could count a period of about 5 years in my 30's (see aforementioned comment on ladywear!) as pretty much the only time in my life I've been ever been recognised on a regular basis as female.

If my own perceptions of myself were based on societies perceptions of me then I'd identify as male. If my perceptions of myself were based on how others see me, on how people react to me, on which bloody toilet or changing room I am herded into on a regular basis i.e. those cultural expectations, I would identify as male.

Whilst to a large extent I have been socialised as female, I have never been a regular kind of female, had regular female hobbies, regular female friends etc. And I very much doubt I meet most people's cultural markers for being female. Apart from the massive knockers. (not that they help with the 'sir' thing btw.).

So, if almost my entire 'external' experience is of being seen as male, treated as male and often when my gender is known, treated as 'other' (because I may be a woman, but not a normal one) then how come I still perceive myself as a woman?

Anyway, I have a half-baked theory about all this which started about three years ago when I moved to Ireland. I cannot recall a single time in the last three year's where I have been misgendered. Not one. No one calls me Sir. Now, I pop back to the UK regularly enough to know that things haven't changed there (yes, Mr Starbucks, that is a female name, now write in on my fucking cup and stop asking me if I am sure).

Which leads me to my theory, which is that there's something about people in Catholic countries that means they take the time to look you in the eye. Maybe they're more accepting, maybe they are less judgemental, maybe they are less constrained by cultural markers but either way, in the last three years no one has made me feel like I don't belong in my body.

RatRolyPoly · 16/03/2018 14:13

You're not posting in good faith.

Oh come on Datun, I just let out a massive sigh of disappointment. Let's not go down this road. Let's take one another at face value, surely, or not at all.

I don't know if you'll take anecdotal evidence from me, but after seeing all the furore about the Labour Party I went back onto a massive FB Labour discussion forum I had previously silenced (too much traffic!). The trans discussion had obviously come up and there were many, many people on there with stories of personal harassment, bullying and victimisation. I wouldn't quote them for you I'm afraid, you'll have to either believe me or not, but one woman in particular - a disabled middle-aged woman - a real woman posting under her real facebook profile, had her name and picture used along with others in a video (!!) plastered all over social media of "mysogynist transmaidens".

She was understandably frightened.

It really is both sides of the debate from where I'm standing.

Stillscreaming · 16/03/2018 14:14

I wish there were more like her, who actually try to argue their POV, but there just does not seem to be. There has been you on this thread too...if there are more of you, then actually arguing your points would surely neutralize the feminism section somewhat, no?

No, Rat and I can't neutralise the feminist section.

I try very hard to argue my point without being disrespectful to anyone. I'm sure I don't always hit tone I'd like to achieve but I do my best. I don't make personal comments about other posters, I disagree with what they're say and I can be strident in my disagreement but I don't call people names or say that they're stupid, I don't call their posts ridiculous. All of that has been said to me.

On this thread alone, I've been accused of oppressing women, of being a man and told that I hate those who I disagree with. A poster has claimed to have reported this thread, in an attempt to have it pulled, because I've disagreed with her. I've had people pop into drop insults and then disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. I've had people bring up the same point again and again, when I've offered solid evidence that the point is inaccurate numerous times before. I've had people claim that things are not written in the feminist boards when they are there for all to see.

It's taken a fair bit of determination to stick with it but I don't have the determination to post in the feminism thread.

ATailofTwoKitties · 16/03/2018 14:17

The thing is, listening to Jaycee, I suspect that although I wouldn't strip off in front of her, I'd just do what I do with my sons - 'Look the other way while I change, would you?' 'Sure', and they'd do the same in reverse.

For the only trans-woman with whom I've knowingly shared changing facilities, they asked 'Would you nip in and check if it's empty?' before using the room.

Why not use the gents? Well, they were in about month 2 of the two-year 'real life test' I'd known them for years and were being held to some pretty odd stereotyped ways of behaving and dressing, as far as I could see (tweed skirts and court shoes for an outdoor event where everyone else was in jeans, anyone?).

If you know and like the person, accommodations are easy.

If you know them and still deeply suspect their motives (like the girls who walked out rather than share with Lila Perry in the US), that's a different issue.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 16/03/2018 14:19

Rat, I can see why you took a break after that thread.

I’m not ashamed to say I was in tears after a thread I started went pear-shaped.

I am probably too thin-skinned but it’s awful when people comment about you to others in a way that precludes you from either defending or changing your position. It takes you right back to the playground

Thankfully Datun turned up and swore at me to my face :) which was an absolute blessed relief :) and helped me find a way back in.

Stillscreaming · 16/03/2018 14:34

You are pretending that this is a balanced debate. When it isn't. You are pretending that feminists are behaving in the same way as transactivists. NOT reacting to them.

I'm not pretending that there is a balanced debate at all. I'm saying the wider debate that has been hijacked by extremists from both sides.

weren't at the meeting, you haven't read the exit interviews, you haven't read the police complaint addressed to Posie.

I've heard the recording of the meeting. I've read the exit interviews and I've read what Posie's original tweets and what she claims to have happened at the police interview.

You can say many things about me, and you have, but I think it's clear to anyone reading, that I've done a fair bit of research. I know the arguments, I know what both sides are saying and when they are being less than honest.

I don't think that you're posting in good faith, claiming that people are suspended by the Labour Party for threats of violence or harassment 'all the time' is misleading. Claiming that you are being 'censored' when people, disagree with you is misleading and an attempt to give the impression you are being victimised.

Claiming that women are under threat from latex naked body suits, when they have perfectly good laws in place to protect them, is scare tactics. As is claiming that there are any groups going into school trying to make children trans in fear mongering.

That's not good faith.,

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 16/03/2018 14:40

Are posie’s original tweets still available to read?

Jayceedove · 16/03/2018 14:41

Datun, I am not denying biology or its relevance and I have often said I am in favour of protected spaces in intimate situations.

Though when I raised on that other thread the reality that my definition in law, male or female, came up when seeking to become a full time carer for 14 years to my mother I was basically called a liar as it was perfectly okay for a man to do that. Which I know and was not my point.

It may not have stopped it happening, but it did get involved and not from me. The GP and district nurse helped me fast track my GRC so as to make life easier. So it helped. That's all - it had a practical benefit not just to me but to a 100% biological woman in a highly distressed state in a care home she did not want to be in desperate to come live with me as soon as possible.

I cited this simply because I would never have foreseen this. And I have to suspect there will be other unforeseen circumstances where trans women (and men) might benefit from the definition granted within the act.

Not by proclaiming - see I am a woman. Most people treat you as they fond you and nobody has ever asked to see my GRC and likely never will. But by giving that reassurance if ever needed for some practical reason or another.

That is all I was saying. Not that everyone by right should have a GRC. But that we live in a world where - yes - biology matters in a number of situations.

I never have denied that and said I was happy with exclusivity decisions taken at source such as smear tests and refuges within the scope of the GRA and maybe even further ones.

However, above and beyond biology there is also the practicality of living a life day to day where who you are and what you are is all that matters. And that essentially means as perceived by others.

Anyone can think a trans person is a men, woman or a chimpanzee, and in some situations that is critical. I agree. As noted above that is why there are exclusions.

But if you divide society entirely in that way as a protection of women's feelings in some regards is that not going beyond sensible need into areas where you are almost over protecting most women who are not demanding such global segregation?

I absolutely agree as I have repeatedly said that I think extending the GRA to include self ID and so many, many more people covered by it whilst reducing to very little the built in safeguards and exclusions is flat out wrong and will argue against.

I have even said I would not reject reasonable strengthening of those safeguards.

The fight here is between a small minority of activists on both sides. I think we all know that. Just as I suspect we are starting to realise the government have seen the concern and bringing forth this bill is now miles away and may never happen.

Though the arguments around it will go on I suspect if we do not settle on some agreed decisions by sensible debate whilst waiting to see if they ever get to the point of a bill.

However, the mood to basically axe the GRA that is evolving is not simply going to turn the clock back to 2003 - where you might point out that I and others have said we got on okay before then without rights with the odd incident here and there which I have been assailed for mentioning.

That is true but is not what will happen if the aim to repeal the GRA is achieved.

We will still have all the 600,000 self identifiers out there and there will be no discrimination between them and thos of us who have been using facilities like toilets, changing rooms and hospital wards for 50 years even before the GRA.

So for the people least causing issues the clock will be turned back half a century because of a mutual concern over the act being altered.

I am sure it will never happen as any government doing that would see totally non litigious transsexuals who have not caused a fuss for years mobilise in ways that will scare them to death because our case will seem very reasonable to many ordinary people.

Hence it makes total sense to be on the same side here and fight the winnable fight to stop self ID not alienate those who would agree and might be taken seriously because of their unique perspective.

Of course, we will not all oppose self ID. Some will feel it is appropriate. Even I feel a separate act with agreed conditions attached might be found that satisfies all. Just that modifying the GRA to be that act cannot work because it is trying to merge two different things.

Regardless of saying that trans women are not being called men - you know we are by many activists. The term TIM is used extensively on that thread instead of trans women because you want to emphasise that concept of us being men. And avoid any deference to calling 'men' women.

Biologically you are right. We are not disagreeing.

In circumstances where biology is paramount there should be choice to exclude. We are also not disagreeing.

But in everyday, practical situations where actions are taken instinctively on the basis of who you appear to be and biology hardly ever even is a consideration - going to the loo, buying clothes etc then trans woman are regarded as women by pretty much everyone but the activists.

I have no problem with the term trans woman and, as you will have noticed over the past week. use it all the time describing myself. Though the reality is 99.999% of the people I interact with day in day out and year in year out just say woman.

Whether out of deference or because it is their real opinion I am not bothered. The point is they do not need to feel the need to seek division and provoke disquiet by any reference to biology where that is not needed.

This is the difference between respect and making an effort to live in harmony - which we want - and strict delineation of the world by gender regardless.

Personally I have no objection to what you think or say and would not go screaming bigotry.

But I suspect most reasonable people would regard saying trans woman in that situation less divisive or nasty than trans identifying male. So if you wonder why it seems to upset trans woman to be called male openly it is NOT because we insist on being considered biological women. It is just that we have feelings, live in the day to day real world where usually that is secondary and feel pain at being singled out because of concerns over men usurping women in ways that I agree do happen and are wrong.

But is usually not at all what transwomen are ever trying to do.

Stillscreaming · 16/03/2018 14:51

This thread started off being about transmen. Someone on Facebook has just spammed a friend with some of the links that keep being shared in the feminist section. With permission, this is what a trans man posted in reply:

"...its not surprise that you put up links to people who are very anti trans. One who thinks supporting young trans people to being comfortable in their chosen identity is child abuse, one who think trans people suffer because they are supported to become comfortable in their chosen gender identity and they should be supported to stay as their birth gender, in other words, we are talking conversion therapy.

Finally, the athlete one......there is no athletic benefit to transition. Trans women take oestrogen which blocks all testosterone which brings them in line with cis female hormonal levels. So I would say this is more to do with training, ability and the desire to win.

Look, I run a trans support group with over 2,500 people, I facilitate trans support groups, I am a therapist working within the community. The suffering of being uncomfortable in your birth gender is overwhelming, crippling and prevents people from becoming fully functioning members of society, if they live long enough. To transition and finally feel comfortable makes the most incredible difference to people, mental health improves, happiness, anxiety drops, people get jobs, get careers, go and study, have relationships, get married, live long and happy lives.

The alternative to that is very frequently suicide. I pray that all of you who are so massively against trans people don't have children who at some point in their lives feel something is wrong, that they feel uncomfortable with their gender, because what awaits them? Conversion therapy? Being forced to be their assigned birth gender?

This is my final contribution to this, I sincerely hope you perhaps spend some time with some trans people and get to know them, get to know how they feel in this world which is so unwelcoming right now and has been for months and months with this constant battering of hate both on social media and in the media. We have enough to deal with, with self hate until we get to the point of being comfortable without hate perpetuated by narrow minded people who call us parasites."

Stillscreaming · 16/03/2018 14:52

Are posie’s original tweets still available to read?

No, they were taken down for breaking community standards. Make of that what you will.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 16/03/2018 14:59

hat it's always been about for me but if you check the times, no one acknowledge Jaycee assault, showed any sympathy or treated her like a human being until I mentioned their behaviour on this thread.

Thats not strictly speaking true

However, when a trans woman is talking about her sexual assault, that's not the time to be calling her 'he' him' and 'a man'

Neither is this, one poster mentioned mansplaining which i think is out of order and i have reported. I can't see anyone misgendereding J

Agan i may have missed something especially if its been posted in the last hour or so

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 16/03/2018 15:05

Oh that’s annoying. Is she the one who criticised the ceo of Mermaids? About his castration?

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 16/03/2018 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 16/03/2018 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 16/03/2018 15:09

What is no one on the feminist board saying 'stop, that isn't want I've signed up for, I just don't want a men's sexual rights law'?

Loads of us have said this

Apparently we are all lying transphobes

Its been said time and time again that most posters are just against self ID or the catchier title of men's sexual rights law

Stillscreaming · 16/03/2018 15:10

Thats not strictly speaking true

Here's the thread, probably best if people plot through and make up their own minds:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3193236-Living-as-a-woman?

thanksjaneshusbandatcaresouth · 16/03/2018 15:15

Ah, ok, it is the word “castration” that led to the investigation.

This does seem designed to offend and upset. Why is it criminal though? (Oh, I see,test case......).

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 16/03/2018 15:17

extreamist feminists have frightened normal feminists on Mumsnet into believing the views of those TRAs are mainstream

No one has frightened me into anything

Normal women know damn well its not mainstream...dont treat me like im stupid and cant work this stuff out

RatRolyPoly · 16/03/2018 15:22

Sorry Rufus, I just looked and found two on page 13 alone, although I was looking back for thebewilderness in particular as I remember her saying something particularly unpleasant about getting a GRC so as to have "easier access to providing intimate care for a woman" (page 12).

You're right though, I have seen you many times say it's only about self-ID for you :)

RatRolyPoly · 16/03/2018 15:23

Eek, I'm drifting into TAAT land, going to stop!!

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 16/03/2018 15:28

rat

We will have to agree to disagree Grin

I did find one though

For what is worth i think misgendering when its obviously done to upset is out of order

So Thanks for J

I think to be fair people like J, rat and myself are on pretty much the same page

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