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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Uninvited Guest

64 replies

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 20:48

Long story. I am heavily pregnant, living with flatmates and DP. A former flatmate (we'll call them A) of my current flatmate (we'll call them B) has invited himself up to stay, and has just announced he will be here for 4-5 days. At the start of the year, flatmate B said if he ever came up we wouldn't have to deal with him. Flatmate A was previously good friends with B and DP, and I got on with him, but his drug use and behaviour put me off completely, along with many others. By the end of last year, DP was only speaking to him for the sake of B, and even B cut him off around Christmastime for a while.
So B says that obviously she has informed A of my pregnancy and that I wouldn't really be joining them. However, she has gone from saying that DP wouldn't have to have anything to do with him if he came up to now saying that she didn't expect B to stay for 4-5 days and doesn't want to share a room with him for that long. She has said she will share for 2 days, and is now suggesting that DP give up his room, as he shares with me. I go to bed very early, whilst DP comes in at around 6-7am. We use our rooms to do our work, and contrary to most peoples beliefs we don't spend our time together 24/7. DP has also invested in quite a lot of equipment this year, and A is notorious for breaking things, or rooting through things, and I have caught him stealing before.
DP has now caved and suggested moving his stuff into my room. My room is large, but currently filled with baby things. Right at the start, the last time A suggested visiting, I told him I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted no mention of him, no stories, nothing. I have agreed to say hello and act civil, but I am holding a 'no sympathy' stance, wherein if he upsets DP or B I won't have any sympathy. Apparently, that makes me the bad person. But I also know after the visit I will have to endure hours of complaining and DP being angry and sad. I will also be in the flat, alone, whilst he is over, as no doubt DP will be told or feel like he has to go and entertain A, and I don't feel comfortable leaving the flat for long periods of time with A there, especially if I leave, lock my room and DP can't access any of his stuff.
I hate how A treats DP and B, but I also hate how B treats DP and DP is annoyed that he is being given 50% responsibility for A who he never wanted to see in the first place. Excuses are already being made for A's past actions. AIBU to tell DP I don't want his stuff in my room, in order to make him stand up for himself? AIBU with my no involvement/no sympathy stance?

OP posts:
bluebells1 · 07/03/2018 20:51

I did not understand most of it. I am sure someone who does will come help you out with suggestions?

HappenedForAReisling · 07/03/2018 20:53

Does your DP pay for his own room? If so he shouldn't be giving it up.

Madonnasmum · 07/03/2018 20:53

I think you both need to say A is not welcome (due to drug use and stealing) and neither of you are giving up bedrooms or playing mine host.
If B hosts A it is in their room the entire time.
Lock every door every time!
What does the tenancy agreement say about overnight desks?

restingbemusedface · 07/03/2018 20:54
Confused
steamcomingoutofmyears22 · 07/03/2018 20:56

I believe the word you are searching for is "no"
You don't like this person, don't want them staying and are not responsible for the in any way. Present a united front,say no and keep saying it. If B is willing to share for 2 nights then A can make his own arrangements after that (go home or stay in a B&B nearby. Don't worry too much about being the "bad guy" just stand up for yourselves.

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 20:57

sorry Bluebells1 I'm a little stressed! Sorry if it is unclear

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ZoeWashburne · 07/03/2018 20:58

This all seems like a situation that is escalating out of control because no one likes confrontation. No is not a naughty word.

You and DP need to be on the same page. Just say “we are going to have a new baby, so we are in no position to even think about house guests, or switching our routine. Unfortunately that means that no, B cannot stay in the room. If you are uncomfortable sharing for more than 2 says, maybe he could split his time with other friends. But we simply will be too busy to host anyone”

DP needs to get behind the party line here and say no.

PossiblyPFB · 07/03/2018 21:01

YANBU ..... but practically, is this your place with DP and you have lodgers and they will at some point go? If not, is there no way you and DP could stretch to a place of your own given the imminent arrival of your baby? That setup really doesn’t sound ideal long term...

RiotAndAlarum · 07/03/2018 21:02

Are you and your DP and flatmate "B" all tenants? If B is a lodger, your course is clear: refuse permission. If B is an equal flat-sharer, then it's trickier, but it sounds as though you and DP are equal tenants (own rooms), so could pull rank on B.... if your DP goes back on his agreement to let A stay!

However, as DP has "caved," and seems likely to let A stay in his room, you can set whatever boundaries you want or need to, to protect yourself against your flatmates' selfishness in exposing you to A. Lock your door, exclude DP if that's what has to happen. He and B are bringing this upon themselves, and your DP is lucky you're able to even consider storing his equipment!

DingDongDenny · 07/03/2018 21:02

Why is your DP doing that when he didn't invite him and doesn't want him there

He is B's guest - B either puts him up or un-invites him

QuiteLikely5 · 07/03/2018 21:02

You clearly are uncomfortable with this person coming to stay and seem to be looking for every reason possible which to be fair makes your post sound petty in places.

Just say no or stay elsewhere

What is clear is that the others want him there or they would point blank say no?

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:04

I have said multiple times I don't want him here, but it has been completely ignored. I am concerned that B already thinks I dictate what DP should/shouldn't do and that I am the reason he doesn't hang out with certain people, but that is not the case. I stood up for DP last year as he was getting more and more stressed and I am not the sort of person to sit by and do nothing and it got blown back at me.
The tenancy agreement allows overnight guests, I think guests up to a week? DP does pay for his own room, it is a HMO flat.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 07/03/2018 21:08

Dp is the one that should say no and he is the one you should be angry at here for 'caving' and then expecting you to accomodate him!

Who cares what B thinks of you and your relationship with your dp!! B doesnt even want this person in their own room so how on earth have they got a leg to stand on to demand you and your DP put up with them?

Its your DP that needs to grow a pair and say something though. I would not let his things in your room. You did not agree with his decision why should you suffer when heavily pregnant?

QuiteLikely5 · 07/03/2018 21:09

Who is ignoring your wishes, your flat mate or your BF?

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:09

PossiblyPFB it isn't practical at all, you're right. We are desperate to move, but need to find flatmates to replace us before we can. We live in an area heavily populated by students, but it is exam time and just before the second student finance runs out, so no one is looking to move right now.
DingDongDenny my thoughts exactly.
QuiteLikely5 Apologies if it comes across that way. Other flatmates are going to stay in friends/boyfriends flats to be away from him. Sadly I don't have that option. Flatmates are also ok as long as they have nothing to do with him. I would be fine if I didn't have to have anything to do with him, as initially promised, but DP being roped into it means that I will also undoubtedly have to deal with him too.

OP posts:
RiotAndAlarum · 07/03/2018 21:10

Well, if your DP is permitting it, and pays his own rent for his own room, and is agreeing, all the "standing up for him" isn't going to help; in fact, rescuing him is allowing him to put you in this position. Maybe let him take the consequences of his actions this time. You'll suffer, yes, but he will, too, especially if he's locked out of your room.

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:10

Sorry everyone, I'm trying to reply as quick as possible to as many of you as I can. Thank you for your understanding.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 07/03/2018 21:12

Horrendous and ridiculous at the same time...

get the uninvited guest OUT

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/03/2018 21:12

A has announced they’re coming to stay and you’re all expected to bend over backwards? Tell them there’s such things as Premier Inn (and fuck off)

eggncress · 07/03/2018 21:13

A is a guest of B?
Then B should take responsibility to accommodate A and your DP should not move.
You are right to take the stance you are adopting

TERFragetteCity · 07/03/2018 21:13

No - for your partner and stuff coming into your room. End of. Outside of that it ain't your problem.

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:13

RiotaAndAlarum that is a fair point. Obviously I don't want to see him get hurt again, as this is a cycle. But you could be right there. I hadn't thought about the full extent of him being locked out, and I don't know if he has either...
QuiteLikely5 Flatmate

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 07/03/2018 21:15

Never mind whoever is visiting for 5 days, what do your flatmates feel about having a newborn baby in the flat?! I don't think you are in a very strong position to be complaining about visitors.

RiotAndAlarum · 07/03/2018 21:16

Your DP has agreed to this, but needs you to agree to (a) accommodate him and (b) accommodate his stuff (otherwise A will steal or trash it). Use your leverage!

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:16

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter I really want to.
eggncress thank you, I was worried it was a bit harsh as I know I shouldn't get involved, but through DP I am going to be involved nonetheless. A is a guest of B, but B also expects DP to share responsibility as they were once all close friends.

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