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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Uninvited Guest

64 replies

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 20:48

Long story. I am heavily pregnant, living with flatmates and DP. A former flatmate (we'll call them A) of my current flatmate (we'll call them B) has invited himself up to stay, and has just announced he will be here for 4-5 days. At the start of the year, flatmate B said if he ever came up we wouldn't have to deal with him. Flatmate A was previously good friends with B and DP, and I got on with him, but his drug use and behaviour put me off completely, along with many others. By the end of last year, DP was only speaking to him for the sake of B, and even B cut him off around Christmastime for a while.
So B says that obviously she has informed A of my pregnancy and that I wouldn't really be joining them. However, she has gone from saying that DP wouldn't have to have anything to do with him if he came up to now saying that she didn't expect B to stay for 4-5 days and doesn't want to share a room with him for that long. She has said she will share for 2 days, and is now suggesting that DP give up his room, as he shares with me. I go to bed very early, whilst DP comes in at around 6-7am. We use our rooms to do our work, and contrary to most peoples beliefs we don't spend our time together 24/7. DP has also invested in quite a lot of equipment this year, and A is notorious for breaking things, or rooting through things, and I have caught him stealing before.
DP has now caved and suggested moving his stuff into my room. My room is large, but currently filled with baby things. Right at the start, the last time A suggested visiting, I told him I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted no mention of him, no stories, nothing. I have agreed to say hello and act civil, but I am holding a 'no sympathy' stance, wherein if he upsets DP or B I won't have any sympathy. Apparently, that makes me the bad person. But I also know after the visit I will have to endure hours of complaining and DP being angry and sad. I will also be in the flat, alone, whilst he is over, as no doubt DP will be told or feel like he has to go and entertain A, and I don't feel comfortable leaving the flat for long periods of time with A there, especially if I leave, lock my room and DP can't access any of his stuff.
I hate how A treats DP and B, but I also hate how B treats DP and DP is annoyed that he is being given 50% responsibility for A who he never wanted to see in the first place. Excuses are already being made for A's past actions. AIBU to tell DP I don't want his stuff in my room, in order to make him stand up for himself? AIBU with my no involvement/no sympathy stance?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 07/03/2018 21:19

unfortunateevents is spot on.

RiotAndAlarum · 07/03/2018 21:19

(I'm not trying to be mean to you. Your flatmate and DO are the ones out of order! However, you do have some power to make them feel the consequences of their selfish decisions - and they are selfish decisions, which hurt everyone else, especially you!)

BerylStreep · 07/03/2018 21:19

Fucking hell - your DP sounds completely spineless. How come A gets to dictate how long he is going to be staying for? I didn't realise that was the way invitations worked. B has invited him, it's her problem. DP needs to say no.

Prestonsflowers · 07/03/2018 21:24

I’ve read your post several times and I’m struggling to understand your situation. Is this it?
You, your DP and B share a HMO and A used to be the partner of B.
A is a drug use and a thief and has caused problems in the past.
Your DP is a ‘nice guy’ who wants an easy life.
A & B think that you control your DP.
You are a strong character and heavily pregnant
A has invited himself to stay and B will put up with him for a few days and then B has suggested that your DP gives up his paid for room and moves into your baby stuff crowded room.
So you and your DP and your new baby will be in one room, B will be in her room and A will be in your DP’s old room.
If this is right, and I’m not sure if it is
Tell A and B to fuck right off, if they can’t share then it’s not your problem
Tell your DP to stay in his own room

KateAdiesEarrings · 07/03/2018 21:25

YANBU. I agree with PPs that you should tell DP he can't use your room. If he wants to accommodate A and B then he has to work out how to do it. atm everyone is being inconvenienced except A - and he's the person who doesn't live there! Call their bluff and stay firm.

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:25

unfortunateevents we have been trying to move out for months, I am bending over backwards trying to find new flatmates. We have already missed out on 2 flats and DP has been called selfish for leaving...
RiotandAlarum it's ok. I don't feel like you're being mean, I came here for advice and thank you for giving it.
BerylStreep his kindness is an amazing quality, he just wants to please everyone. But yes, it can be frustrating.

OP posts:
FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:27

Prestonsflowers Apologies! Bless you for translating my word vomit! Correct, except A and B were flatmates before me, DP and B moved in together, not partners.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 07/03/2018 21:27

Tell your DP he's about to become a father and it's time to grow a backbone and use his words: 'No' to the current roommate. 'No' to the visiting, uninvited ex roommate. 'No' to anyone using his room. I suggest he makes sure his room is locked securely when he's not in (and your room as well, OP).

If current roommate still insists on having unwanted guest visit, then he can put him up in his room, end of. And he's responsible for any damage his guest causes in the house. And any theft, including food.

Honestly. What kind of weak-spined 'man' have you picked to father your child?

Prestonsflowers · 07/03/2018 21:27

I’ve only just seen the updates, sorry for the cross posting🤭

Prestonsflowers · 07/03/2018 21:29

Sorry, it took me a while

pinkyredrose · 07/03/2018 21:30

Why don't you and your DP get your own place? If you're paying rent individually on your rooms then surely your own place won't cost more? Or am i missing something?

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:31

BewareOfDragons he's not weak-spined. He has a good heart and wants to please everyone. I think he feels that if I'm not directly around or involved with 'A' then I'll be ok. But obviously if all goes ahead, I'll be involved through him.

OP posts:
RiotAndAlarum · 07/03/2018 21:31

Being kind to selfish people only allows them to do wrong to others. Your DP is about to be a father, and needs to develop a thicker skin.

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:34

pinkyredrose as I said before, before we can move we have to find tenants to replace us. Our contract isn't up until August, and to move means our flatmates run the risk of being evicted if they can't make up for our rent, if that makes sense? Trust me, we've been wanting to leave for months

OP posts:
FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:36

Thankyou all, seems the general consensus is that I'm good to stick to my plan of 'no involvement, no sympathy,' bite my tongue and leave the rest up to DP and flatmate B. Thankyou all, it's going to be a LONG week...

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 07/03/2018 21:36

It sounds very immature, and not the type of place to be raising a child when others are playing at grown ups.
I know it's not what you asked but can you and dp not get your own flat where you can enjoy your space away from the single party type?

sonjadog · 07/03/2018 21:36

Time for your DP to grow up. No more bending to what his mates want and letting them think its his mean girlfriend bossing him around. He needs to say no and stand up for the two of you. Soon there will be three and he needs to act like a father and partner, not one of the lads.

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:37

gillybeanz as I said before, before we can move we have to find tenants to replace us. Our contract isn't up until August, and to move means our flatmates run the risk of being evicted if they can't make up for our rent, if that makes sense? Trust me, we've been wanting to leave for months

OP posts:
bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 07/03/2018 21:39

What?!?!? Why the hell do YOU need to find flatmates to replace your tenancy?

What sort of rent agreement is this??

Never, ever have I heard it being the responsibility of tenants to find the next tenants! It's laughable!

And if you DO have a tenancy agreement in place in which each of you pay for your OWN room, then your DP is being a complete walkover by allowing others to dictate who stays in the very room HE is paying for.

Nothing to suggest that this ex flatmate won't move in and stay - going by the complete disarray your household seems to be in!

It's just plain weird and odd!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/03/2018 21:39

This whole problem is because everyone is too afraid of confrontation.

B won’t tell A that he/she is only welcome for 2 days
Your dp won’t tell B that B invited A so A is B’s problem and fuck all to do with him
You won’t tell your dp that him dumping all his stuff in your room and moving in is not convenient.

Of these you only have control of the last one.

So....

Tell your dp that he can do what he likes but:-

  1. You won’t be helping him move so much as a pair of pants
  2. That you will be locking your room whenever you go out and if that is inconvenient to him then he will have to deal
  3. You are very pregnant and need your sleep and the baby’s health is the priority. Therefore he will have to adjust to your sleep hours or sleep elsewhere.

And make it very clear to B and your dp that if any of your belonging are stolen by A then you will go to the police.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 07/03/2018 21:40

Cross posts. I am assuming that once your agreement is up in August you can move out?

Most rent agreements have tenancies of short/long term but check your agreement VERY carefully because most I know of allow a month or two notice if you're wanting to move out.

Prestonsflowers · 07/03/2018 21:40

fairy fantastic
Good idea, stick to your guns and I hope things get better for you soon.
Sometimes, past shared histories can muddy the waters and confuse current situations and get the guilt tripping.
Best of luck with this week

DPotter · 07/03/2018 21:44

Fairy - have read the whole thread twice and I don't see how you came to the conclusion that the consensus is to support you 'no involvement, no sympathy' position.

With a baby due so soon, now is not the time to be shy about telling your DP to grow a spine and start looking after his family. Don't be subtle - say it loud and say it plain.

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 21:46

Big thanks again, I am taking everyones advice, I have also requested the post be deleted as the whole 'flat' thing has meant that there are a few personal details that can make me identifiable. It is an odd situation in regards to the flat, but sadly not one we can get around. Thanks all for suggestions/concerns in regards to that also.

OP posts:
shinysinkredemption · 07/03/2018 21:47

Mumoftwoyoungkids has it right - this is not in any way your problem, and other people trying to make it your problem need to be told where to stick it. This sounds like a stressful situation and for the sake of your health your DP needs to put your needs as a family first and explain to the other flatmate that no, he can't accommodate an overnight guest even if they were once all close friends for all the reasons you give. Guest will have to bunk up with the person he's coming to see for all 4-5 nights, or that person can explain it's not convenient to stay for more than 2 nights. It is the guest's problem, not yours.
Draw your line in the sand and don't cross it.

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