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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uninvited Guest

64 replies

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 20:48

Long story. I am heavily pregnant, living with flatmates and DP. A former flatmate (we'll call them A) of my current flatmate (we'll call them B) has invited himself up to stay, and has just announced he will be here for 4-5 days. At the start of the year, flatmate B said if he ever came up we wouldn't have to deal with him. Flatmate A was previously good friends with B and DP, and I got on with him, but his drug use and behaviour put me off completely, along with many others. By the end of last year, DP was only speaking to him for the sake of B, and even B cut him off around Christmastime for a while.
So B says that obviously she has informed A of my pregnancy and that I wouldn't really be joining them. However, she has gone from saying that DP wouldn't have to have anything to do with him if he came up to now saying that she didn't expect B to stay for 4-5 days and doesn't want to share a room with him for that long. She has said she will share for 2 days, and is now suggesting that DP give up his room, as he shares with me. I go to bed very early, whilst DP comes in at around 6-7am. We use our rooms to do our work, and contrary to most peoples beliefs we don't spend our time together 24/7. DP has also invested in quite a lot of equipment this year, and A is notorious for breaking things, or rooting through things, and I have caught him stealing before.
DP has now caved and suggested moving his stuff into my room. My room is large, but currently filled with baby things. Right at the start, the last time A suggested visiting, I told him I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted no mention of him, no stories, nothing. I have agreed to say hello and act civil, but I am holding a 'no sympathy' stance, wherein if he upsets DP or B I won't have any sympathy. Apparently, that makes me the bad person. But I also know after the visit I will have to endure hours of complaining and DP being angry and sad. I will also be in the flat, alone, whilst he is over, as no doubt DP will be told or feel like he has to go and entertain A, and I don't feel comfortable leaving the flat for long periods of time with A there, especially if I leave, lock my room and DP can't access any of his stuff.
I hate how A treats DP and B, but I also hate how B treats DP and DP is annoyed that he is being given 50% responsibility for A who he never wanted to see in the first place. Excuses are already being made for A's past actions. AIBU to tell DP I don't want his stuff in my room, in order to make him stand up for himself? AIBU with my no involvement/no sympathy stance?

OP posts:

CoolCarrie · 07/03/2018 21:53

Tell B to tell her mate to get himself to a b & b, and stick to your guns. Why should your partner have to move, and all of you risk having a thief around your stuff?

hubbabubbanightmare · 07/03/2018 22:04

Something I found very helpful was realising that once I knew I didn't like someone and wanted nothing to do with them It doesn't matter what they think of me. You can just tell A and your DP that there's no way he can stay - they can tell him you wont allow it and there's nothing they can do. He'll blame you and say unkind things but why do you care? I hope you can get your own place soon.

Alwayslumpyporridge · 07/03/2018 22:09

What is a HMO agreement?

HolyShet · 07/03/2018 22:13

It sounds like B considers your DP an equal host.

Otherwise why is she whining to you about not wanting to share a room?

Why is your DP going along with it?

I'm raging on your behalf OP

LeighaJ · 07/03/2018 22:14

Since you live in the same flat then I don't think you're overstepping by getting involved and not wanting A there. B is defitinetly being unreasonable in their demands.

It doesn't really sound like anyone involved has considered the degree it will affect you.

LeighaJ · 07/03/2018 22:15

Also why can't A just sleep on the sofa or better yet anywhere outside your flat since they've gone back on their word he wouldn't be staying there. 😒

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/03/2018 22:27

You have your own room and pay your own rent,
Ditto your DP.

A and B can work out their own problems. It's not your problem and the answer to the suggestion viz DP's room is No.

Advertise your and DP's rooms on Open Rent to find new tenants and move on.

You're over complicating all of this when you should just shake your heads.

SD1978 · 07/03/2018 22:28

Also don’t know what an HMO flat is (misses the point)...... but ultimately, your partner does not have any obligation to host A. You only have a few months left in the tenancy, so even if they are an uncomfortable few months I’d be saying no- and expecting partner to back you up. If he doesn’t want to lose his nice guy status, he can spoon B The whole stay. I wouldn’t be moving my things or accomodating the guest that you have no interest in associating with. Others are moving out and staying elsewhere whilst B is there. That should make it very clear to A this is a crappy idea.

SD1978 · 07/03/2018 22:29

I think I A’d and B’d wrong. You get the gist though..... and still need to know what an HMO flat is (misses the point entirely a second time).....

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/03/2018 22:35

HMO = house of multiple occupation.

Basically a whole house which is let on a room by room basis, not a shared tenancy.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/03/2018 22:36

Government definition and rules for HMOs
www.gov.uk/private-renting/houses-in-multiple-occupation

SD1978 · 07/03/2018 22:36

Thank you @EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard all I could come up with was house medical officers. Oops.

Original poster

FairyFantastic · 07/03/2018 22:50

I appreciate all the advice on my initial question, I'm sticking to my guns and have actually told DP that now so I am waiting to see what happens. Thanks all!

I am more than happy to talk about the flat situation, it is another stressful thing and is actually quite good to get advice.
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard and others who have asked, we have advertised our flat, we have asked around too. We live very close to a university (who have also let us advertise on their forums), where you'd imagine that many students would want to move to. However, we have had little interest. Current students are happy where they are or want to stay with friends, and international students find our rent too pricey. It is also nearly exam time and towards the end of the second loan instalment, so most are in no position to move, at least until after May.
Thank you for explaining HMO Enrique!
We have been advised to just up and leave, but we do have very close friends that we live with who have supported us. If they struggle to find a flatmate after we leave, then they will be evicted. I'm not sure I can live with that.

OP posts:

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/03/2018 22:57

It does sound stressful @FairyFantastic especially so in your position.
Are you also near a hospital that you might be able to target or any large employers, as well as the Uni? Just a thought.

As you have locks on your room doors could you turn one of yours and DP's rooms into your joint bedroom and the other into your living room and distance yourselves from communcal life that way?

Regardless, in the immediate future, you have to make sure DP is at one with you and you don't take any responsibility for the uninvited guest. It's one thing feeling the whole communal vibe and it's quite another living it if everyone isn't playing by the same rules.

May isn't too long in the great scheme of things. When does your tenancy agreement expire?

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