Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL living with us part time?

419 replies

powderbluegecko · 06/03/2018 18:03

Have name changed for this as DH knows my usual one and he might be annoyed about me posting this. Although if he reads this he'll know who it's about. Anyway..

I don't like my MIL at all, mainly because she is dishonest and manipulative with a massive victim complex. I had no contact with her for a few years after her and BIL1 stole from us but recently saw her at a family wedding. DH didn't go NC, he spoke to them occasionally on the phone. BIL has since found God and is apparently a reformed character. He's at least apologised and paid us back, she has never said anything. I don't want anymore trouble so agreed with DH to put it behind us. I thought this meant that if I saw her I would be polite, nothing more. We don't live near her and she has never shown any interest in our DD(4).

MIL lives with BIL1 in a rented flat, her and FIL separated 5 years ago. She owns a house that used to be rented out but has now been empty for several years and needs some work done to it.

Last night DH told me that BIL1 is getting married soon and decided he doesn't want her living with him anymore. He never really did but felt forced into it. They, along with BIL2 offered to pay for her house to be sorted so she can live there but she refused and said she wont live by herself. She wanted to get back with FIL, but he said no. She has now decided that she will live part time with each of her 3 sons, spending a week in each house. They agreed to this. BIL1 has not asked his fiance, BIL2 did not ask SIL (her and MIL detest each other) and DH did not ask me, he just told me that this is how it is, and it's not a big deal. He says I need to be the bigger person and that even if she's awful she's still his mum. He said she's old (she's actually 59) and she's ill (made up heart condition).

I've been completely blindsided by this, whenever there was problems in the past he was always on my side. She is the kind of person that could cause trouble in an empty room, she thrives on drama and has always played her sons off against each other. She tried to do it with me and SIL too. I cant cope with her mood swings, lies and attention seeking and don't want her around DD. She lived with us for a month before I went NC with her and it was probably the worst month of my life. DH says she'll be better now and I need to be positive. I just want to run away. I don't think this is fair at all and I'm horrified that he's just burying his head in the sand. He works very long hours and I'm a SAHM. It'll be me that's with her all the time, she barely goes out, and doesn't know anyone where we live to visit or anything. AIBU?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 06/03/2018 22:33

If the brothers won't agree, MIL's house gets done up and all the SILS take up residence while MIL holidays at theirs.

Ljlsmum · 06/03/2018 22:35

Who does he think he is making decisions on your behalf like that? He’d be getting hell for that let alone the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard and with someone you went no contact with. I mean really how does he actually think that any of it could work or for you all to be comfortable in the home?
He must have gone mad.

Cornishclio · 06/03/2018 22:37

59 is not old and your MIL is perfectly capable of living alone and looking after herself. She is not yours or your SILs responsibility and this arrangement sounds like it will be hell one earth given you don't like her and she does not sound like a very nice person. She has a house so she should get that sorted or sell it, boundary issues can be sorted.

If your DH is at work all day and you are a SAHM then you will have no escape and what happens when one of the SILs put their foot down and she ends up just living with you because she is unwelcome there.

It is your house too and your DH cannot make arbitrary decisions like that. Just say no and tell him that she can blame you. Maybe he is one of those men who cannot say no to their mothers. Given your past history with her though I cannot imagine why he thought this would be a good idea.

YimminiYoudar · 06/03/2018 22:41

This would be a ridiculous idea even if the MIL in question was lovely in every respect. No family unit would be able to survive long term with a house guest throwing normal routines out if kilter one third of the time.

feelingfree17 · 06/03/2018 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skarossinkplunger · 06/03/2018 22:45

If your DM needed to move in and your DH said no how would you feel?

fuzzywuzzy · 06/03/2018 22:46

My grandmother rotated months, living with us one month and at uncles one month. Utterly ruined our childhoods.

She was a nasty, evil vindictive vile old witch. She was just so mean to everyone. And she’d play my parents off against my aunt and uncle and she’d steal stuff and purposely throw away cutlery and when my aunty said her cutlery was disappearing she’d make fun of her and try and make out like she was losing her mind.

Was awful awful awful she was in her sixties when she moved in with us I was eleven and she was still rotating months when I moved out!

Do not do it.

My grandmother actually gave her house it my uncle who made a killing on it and my mother (especially) still bangs on about it.

Unfortunately my mother is very like my grandma, I told her I’d put her in a home and was not going to be looking after her at all in her old age. After she’d been particularly vile to me. Just so she never turns up at my door expecting to live with me.
You reap what you sow.

Original poster
powderbluegecko · 06/03/2018 22:58

Dh has just gone to bed. I suppose I've won although it doesn't really feel very good.
I told him we needed to have a proper talk about everything and that him just telling me what was going to happen was unacceptable, that is not the kind of man I married or want to be married to.
I asked him why he wanted this to happen and eventually it comes out that he doesn't want her to die alone. She has been telling him that her heart condition (which she honestly doesn't have) is now extremely serious, she's gravely ill apparently. He then said the stupidest thing I've ever heard which was that if she gets angry she could die. So I said that in that case she absolutely has to live alone in case one of us pisses her off and accidentally kills her.
He didn't say anything, went off in a sulk (something he also never usually does, why is he being so childish?) but then he came back and said I was right, that it's bollocks. But he still doesn't want her to die alone, he feels sorry for her because his dad doesn't want her and nobody likes her. I can understand that but at the same time he doesn't actually enjoy her company and she has never been interested in him. He's 10 years younger than BIL2, she just wanted a girl.
There is also no reason for her to die, she's only 59! We talked about her age and he said he thinks of her as old because she pretty much started doing the frail old lady thing when she turned 40. She got a job after her and FIL split and quit after a week saying she's too old to work. He forgets how young she actually is. My parents are close in age to her and he doesn't think they are old at all.

When I first met him he told me that what he wanted more than anything was to have a happy family because he had never had that. He has it now, we are a happy family and I told him I'm not going to let him fuck that up over some misplaced sense of guilt. I told him that if he's going to have that hanging over him then he better go and live with her and that I'm not having it hanging over me for the rest of my life either. He can bugger off and I'll get a place with SIL. It's utter nonsense. She doesn't give a crap about him, or BIL2, BIL1 is her golden boy, she just wants the rest of us as doting minions. Not fucking happening. He did agree. He's gone to bed upset and I feel sorry for him. She has been an awful mother to him his whole life, but he can't subject his own child to her outrageous behaviour and I will never let him.

I don't really know what's going to happen now though. I think I'll speak to SIL tomorrow. BIL2 especially is going to kick off about us saying no, I don't actually care though. I said to DH again that I think the best solution is if she sells her house and buys a place near his brothers (they live in the same small town, we are an hour away) then there will always be someone close by in case she should become dangerously angry.

Thanks everyone for your responses, it gave me a lot of confidence. I never usually have trouble expressing myself but this knocked me for six.

OP posts:
UnRavellingFast · 06/03/2018 23:01

Wow I thought my ex took the biscuit when he brought his parents and infant nieces to stay with us for a month without consulting me and concurrently invited his friend to live with us for a year rent free while he was in our city studying. But even my ex didn't do this 😮 your dh must be mad.

GummyGoddess · 06/03/2018 23:05

No, the wives and children do not go to MIL's house while she stays in theirs! They shouldn't get shunted out of their home, and if MIL is indeed the type to drive wedges into marriages she may go through everything in the houses as she rotates through.

There will be no sense of privacy in your own home and it would be disruptive to the children. If she's been pinching babies then obviously the children would get shunted about as well, they can't be left behind.

UnRavellingFast · 06/03/2018 23:07

Well done OP and don't let him make you feel guilty. He's probably on some level needing you to set up the boundary that his mum self servingly ensured she removed from him. I am guessing he is very grateful to have you and his family unit that is happy. If it's out of character and he's agreed, let the sulking go and be kind- unless he tries again in which case tell him to fottfsofatfosm!

MaggieFS · 06/03/2018 23:08

Well done OP. I particularly like your line below, outstanding, irrefutable reasoning Smile

So I said that in that case she absolutely has to live alone in case one of us pisses her off and accidentally kills her.

GummyGoddess · 06/03/2018 23:09

Cross post, glad it's sorted out for now. You shouldn't feel guilty for having a normal reaction, your poor DH has been manipulated by her his whole life. Perhaps counselling may help if he hasn't had any already.

Saffronwblue · 06/03/2018 23:11

Op you have done well to protect your own family and show Dh the strength of your resolve. She has clearly been an awful mother and this is still playing out for him.
I am 57, work, go to the gym, travel and run around supporting family members of all generations.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 23:12

Just what unravelling said spot on.

Keep strong op

NinjagoNinja · 06/03/2018 23:14

then there will always be someone close by in case she should become dangerously angry

Grin Lucky the sibling who gets to be on call for this!

BewareOfDragons · 06/03/2018 23:16

Well done, OP. I think your DH will actually thank you for standing firm on this. Maybe not today, but he will.

Withhindsight · 06/03/2018 23:17

OP despite this blindsider, you do sound like you have a lovely relationship With your DH. He needs and seems that he is getting your support to get through this and to keep her at bay while the decision is accepted. What about he insists he goes to the GP with her to discuss what is best for her heart condition- she may tone the guilt trips down a bit if he starts trying to take her to the doctor to help and calls her on it.

Dvg · 06/03/2018 23:23

I would say fine but im moving out whilst shes there.

Neolara · 06/03/2018 23:23

I feel very sorry for your DH for having such a rubbish mum. Must be very hard.

PastaOfMuppets · 06/03/2018 23:26

Your BILs might be angry that your DH is now saying no - because it means more pressure on them to say yes, and they'll each now have her for 50% of the time instead of 33%. However, if both SILs / BILs stay strong, no one ends up with her living with them (success). And BILs being angry at having their DM staying with them for more than 33% clearly indicates they don't enjoy spending time with her - if she is so terrible why should three sets of DCs be put through it? It's not fair to be irritated at your DH for reneging, because he was pressured to agree without discussing it with his DW who is also affected by this, so it's their DM's doing that her son/s might now be pulling out. You need to somehow contact your two SILs so they know about this proposal and that they know your DH has now pulled out. If all of you women stay firm, this nasty DM/DMIL will need to find a better solution. Well done OP.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2018 23:31

he feels sorry for her because his dad doesn't want her and nobody likes her

Perhaps he'd do well to consider why that is? Yes she's his mother - not that it sounds as if she's been much of one to him - but we all make our own choices, and when someone's disliked by so many, the common denominator is surely them

She's clearly doing a good job on him with the "frail old lady" act, and will no doubt ramp up illness claims massively if she doesn't get her way; she may even get so nasty that she really does affect her own health, but again that's her choice

At 59 she has countless options apart from living with her DSs, and I hope they'll start going through these with her, but leaving the responsibility at her own door where it belongs

Theresasmayshoes11 · 06/03/2018 23:33

Deffo tell her she needs a GP appointment for her heart problems! Bet they don’t find one!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2018 23:35

I said that in that case she absolutely has to live alone in case one of us pisses her off and accidentally kills her

And yes, that was actually pretty smart ... except that, sooner or later, one of them will probably suggest that the remedy is never, ever to upset her in the slightest way

God, what a life she'd have you lead if you were foolish enough to let her Hmm

Coyoacan · 06/03/2018 23:36

Oh I hate this type of woman. I know one who sold her house and moved in with her recently married daughter, then did everything in her power to bring about their separation.

The suggestion about accompanying her to the doctor sounds like a good one.