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AIBU?

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Original poster

Voilent 6 year old

55 replies

libertysilk · 06/03/2018 16:13

I've not seen friend for months due to her son. When I was 5 months pregnant he said 'I'm going to punch the baby and kill it'. Her response was oh your not going to do that, said in a soft way.
He loses his temper so easily and hits his sister or my other daughter, who is the same age as his sister.
I saw one of her friends today and said what had happened. She says she can't not say anything, but needs a day to think about it.
What do I do? I'm sure I'll get an angry response from my friend. But, I stand by not seeing her again.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 06/03/2018 16:16

Where is he picking up that kinda thing. Yeh I wouldn't want to be around him either, he might try to hit the baby.

Idontdowindows · 06/03/2018 16:16

And did you tell your friend why you don't want to see her?

catsatonthemat · 06/03/2018 16:56

6 year old boys play fight all the time. They also play games where they talk about killing each other and playing dead. Although it would be horrible to hear someone say they were going to hit your pregnant belly and kill your baby, chances are a 5/6 year old has no idea what that really means.

Unfortunately at school they mix with lots of kids from a variety of backgrounds. My 6 year old can lash out and hits his sister. But this is no different to any of his friend's (boys and girls). One of his friend's had a rough start to life and so uses language in ways I wish my son hadn't picked up. What's the issue? That he says it or that his mum doesn't tackle it? How old are your DC? It's been a shock to me what 5/6/7 etc year old kids are like. But go to any playground and youll hear them playing police and arresting/killing baddies or each other etc. It's not nice and personally I pick my son up on it every time. Hitting is unacceptable and should be dealt with every time. No one wants their child hit by another.

Original poster
libertysilk · 06/03/2018 17:05

I've not said anything to my friend. I'm sure she'd say, oh he didn't mean it.
He loses his temper so quickly and hits so violently. This is more than siblings hitting one another.

OP posts:
llangennith · 06/03/2018 17:09

There’s a huge difference between boys playing roughly or playing ‘rough and tumble’, and violence.
Your friend’s son hasn’t been taught that violence and lashing out is not acceptable behaviour.
Drop the friend asap.

catsatonthemat · 06/03/2018 17:34

Could be some SEN as well if he loses it quickly. She might appreciate someone to talk to about it as may not know how to handle it.

Original poster
libertysilk · 06/03/2018 17:47

cats - I'd say it was learned behaviour, as she loses it with her children really quickly. The daughter is the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
libertysilk · 06/03/2018 20:56

So, if I'm to say something to her, what do I say, and how do I word it? I'm completely lost! I know I've lost her as a friend, and I'm not too bothered, as her boundaries around her children are all wrong. But, I'd like to be sensitive.
Her friend who I spoke to today is going to say something to her, so I need to say something to her first. It'll be by text as I she works during the day, and it'd mean seeing her with her children otherwise.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 06/03/2018 21:36

Huh? No way is this normal for 5/6 year olds. I have a 5 yo boy and 6 yo girl neither has ever said anything like this or remotely violent. It's definitely not normal.

Original poster
libertysilk · 07/03/2018 06:10

Anyone? Please? Ideas on what to say?

OP posts:
kungpopanda · 07/03/2018 06:17

'I don't feel my children are safe around yours'?

Queenofthestress · 07/03/2018 06:20

Just be blunt about it. I would, but then again I'm not known for being subtle when calling out people on stuff or talking about things.
Just say;
We need to talk, I don't feel comfortable having our kids play together now or when the baby comes because to be frank your son has behaviour issues and I'm concerned about it around DD and the new baby.

picklemepopcorn · 07/03/2018 06:28

Are you sure you need to explain if you don't see her anyway?

Lovely friend, I find your children really hard to deal with. Your son threatened to hurt me and the baby, and I realised I don't want to spend time with him.

Cupoteap · 07/03/2018 06:32

Why do you need to say something, surely the time to do so was months ago when it happened.

Has she even contacted you or tried to speak with you since?

Happygolucky009 · 07/03/2018 06:34

I think you are deserving on an angry text, you are not a good friend. You may not like the friends son, you may not like the way he is parented, but with 1 daughter you are not in her shoes!

You do however distance yourself from your friend, is she struggling? You do judge her and you do gossip about her and her kids to mutual friends. Nice Biscuit

rocketgirl22 · 07/03/2018 06:34

I wouldn't actually tell her, there is no point she is bound to get defensive.

I would switch the friendship to meeting up without the kids. Tell her you find it too tiring and would prefer time to chat.

If the friendship is important to you I would make it purely adults only.

No more play dates. You don't need to get into a huge row about it, just end that dimension of your friendship.

rocketgirl22 · 07/03/2018 06:36

I would NOT involve her other friends! It does come across as gossip even if it is isn't intended.

MrsElvis · 07/03/2018 06:38

Her friend probably text her as she was walking away from you. Chances are she's already got there first.

It's your right to keep your children away from people you're not comfortable around and I wouldn't be happy with her child tbh.

I imagine you will get an angry text. I would reply saying he's a child it's not personal but you can't be around that behaviour

rocketgirl22 · 07/03/2018 06:39

If you are going to say something, then do it in a low key way and be general.

Just say you are finding play dates exhausting one way or another, would prefer to meet for dinner one evening instead.

children go through stages, and he might well outgrow this behaviour and be fine in six months from now, I would not rush to end the whole friendship.

Original poster
libertysilk · 07/03/2018 06:43

This is what I sent....

Morning. This is a really difficult text to send, and I hope you receive it in the good grace and thoughts its being sent in. I've not seen you for months, and there are reasons for that. The last time I saw you was at my house. We'd just put the cot up and were sitting on my bed. Your son was in the room too. Can't remember what prompted it, but he said. 'When the baby comes I'm going to punch it and kill it '. Your response was to say, no your not. This is shocking thing for a 6 year old boy to say. It really shocked and frightened me. My dd had started saying she was scared of because he gets angry so quickly and keeps hurting her and your dd. With all that in mind, I made the decision not to see you guys again. I know you'll be angry reading this, and probably hate me. I sincerely feel your dsneeds some support. You are a lovely woman and I sincerely wish you all the best in life.

OP posts:
Happygolucky009 · 07/03/2018 06:52

libertysilk words fail me! that is nasty and unnecessary Angry

hooochycoo · 07/03/2018 07:03

What a horrible message to send.

My son has SEN and can behave like the 6 year old you describe. Life with him at times is incredibly hard. But he’s still a 6ywar old boy, who deserve love and understanding. His frustrations at his condition and inability to cope with the huge emotions it generates in him can make him very angry, he has an explosive temper . His extreme anxiety can manifest itself in behaviours that seem nasty and threatening, but are actually parroted phrases That he uses as a defence mechanism against a world that he finds hard to cope with.

I find it exhausting to deal with him, even though I understand it. Thank god for friend who support and understand.

A text like the one you sent your friend would utterly floor me.

Google “ the explosive child” and gain some other perspective.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 07/03/2018 07:06

At least she knows now. I have a 6 year old boy and I would be mortified if he said that about your baby! He doesn’t punch, he doesn’t hit out, that may be normal behaviour for some people’s children but that doesn’t mean it’s normal or acceptable in society! I have a friend who’s DS bully’s my DS whenever they are together, I have decided that my DS comes first and have minimised contact, if I don’t protect him, who will? I only meet up with my BF for grown up occasions now.

Original poster
libertysilk · 07/03/2018 07:24

How is it a nasty message to send? She kept asking to meet up with the children, so I felt I had to.
For the record, her son is very intelligent and doesn't have SEN.
Should I have not listened to my dd or thought about the safety of my baby then? He's hurt my dd many times, and enough is enough!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 07/03/2018 07:25

Actually, calmly saying 'no you're not' may well be the best thing she could do. Staying calm and refusing to join in the excitement is very effective for children who seek arousal and excitement.

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