AIBU to think my brothers are BU re Mother's Day?

[lollipopjones]

My mum has terminal cancer. She was diagnosed 2 years ago. Her treatment won’t cure her but it will slow the progression down. So we don’t know how long she’s got left.

So I’ve organised a lunch at mine for Mother’s Day and both of my brothers have said they can’t come because they’re busy.

Youngest brother is seeing his wife’s mother for the day. (Who is 10 years younger than my mum and in excellent health) Oldest brother doesn’t have MIL in this country so I’ve no idea what they’re doing.

I’m really annoyed on my mums behalf. After all it could be her last Mother’s Day. I really want to have a go at my brothers about it but then I thought well they’re adults. Is it up to me to preserve their relationship with our mother?

So AIBU? Or are they?

That is really shocking. Have you spelt it out to them?

Definitely them. It's important to make the most of the opportunities you have to create happy memories. I would really pile on the guilt in your situation (but then I am petty like that!)

It is not up to you to preserve their relationship with her, no. You'd drive yourself up the wall even trying.

No two siblings have exactly the same experience of growing up, nor exactly the same relationship with their mother. You don't say anything about her, but is it possible they don't actually get on with her? If they don't, and you do, then you can make the best of having her all to yourself for the day.

Do you get on with them normally? If so, I think you maybe ought to spell it out in words of one syllable.

I'm sorry that you're going to lose your mother. I hope you enjoy your remaining time together.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum's prognosis.

Do they have much contact with her apart from this? Some people find it hard to cope with people who are terminally ill. I think you might regret having a go at them, as surely you will all need each other''s support going forwards?

Is your Mum upset about it? Or just you on her behalf?

That's a shame. They are being unreasonable and it's not up to you to change that. Unless they have got their own children and have already made plans for mother's day with their wives/ partner then I would have thought they could have made the effort. I would just go ahead with your plans and have a good day with or without them.

Do they make time for their mother on other days? Perhaps they just dont buy into another Hallmark Appreciation Day. Dare I ask, tentatively, perhaps they don't like their sister organising them.

I don't understand why the younger one is spending it with his mil and not with his own mother that seems a bit backwards. Its really sad but I think you just need to enjoy the day with her, they may feel guilty about this down the line.

They are jesus, I would give them a pretty good talking to (without your mother knowing obviously)

Thats pretty poor behaviour but no its not up to you, you cant make them come.

Yabu, they are adults. They know the situation and can make their own decisions. They may not make the right decision but it is still theirs to make.

They're being selfish arses, but they're probably in denial bout how long your mum has got. I nursed my dear husband for two years and even wen he was in the hospice, people couldn't accept that he was dying. TBH, I still find it hard to accept I'll never seem again and I lost him three years ago.

Who is 10 years younger than my mum and in excellent health

Not to be crude, but you can't judge someone's desire to spend time with someone based on how likely they are to die! Any one of us could die in a car accident tomorrow. I'm sure your brothers will make their own arrangements. If they don't and your mother ends up not having much time left, they will be the ones who will regret it. Your mother will have lovely memories of her mother's day with her daughter who obviously loves her immensely.

For what it’s worth I have 2 ill parents and my brother can be a right twat.

Enjoy your day and make sure it’s fabulous for your Mum.

Why not just ask them what they are doing? And tell them that you think it could be your mum's last Mother's Day and would appreciate hem being there for her, and you, for a memory to have in the future.

I say all of this as the last time I was able to have a conversation face to face with my Mam was last Mother's Day, as she passed away from cancer on the Wednesday morning (was heavily sedated from the Tuesday and I hadn't visited on the Monday) so this Mother's Day will be hell for me.

It really is worth making the most of the time you all have together, but you can't make them attend. It could be that they would find it hard to acknowledge that it may be your last Mother's Day with her.
I would definitely suggest you and her spend a lovely day together and make the most of the time together

Do they have kids? Maybe they want to spend the day with the wives and children? Is your mother bothered? Do they have a good relationship otherwise? Maybe they have plans to spend the day before or the weekend after with her?
I'm not seeing my mother on Mother's Day. I'm pretty sure she doesn't care - she's my mother every day of the year not just one. It's how I treat her the other 364 days that matter not one day.

Did they used to spend that day with your mum?

Have you reminded them that it could be her last Mother's day?
Not that they should need, it, but it may not have crossed their minds.

So I’ve organised a lunch at mine for Mother’s Day and both of my brothers have said they can’t come because they’re busy.

A lunch at five days' notice? I'd be busy, too.

Wow your brothers are a pair of thoughtless cunts!

your not being unreasonable. they are i'm afraid.

Don't have a go at them about it.

Different people respond to things in different ways. They may be in denial, they may worry they will get upset and spoil the day or have a million other reasons why it would be too hard or they can't make it.

It doesn't mean they are bad or wrong, just that they are different to you.

Have a lovely day with your mum on Sunday

Just to answer a few questions. Yes we all get on. Our mum is lovely and they get on well.

Both brothers have wives and children so yes maybe their wives want to enjoy the day themselves.

But I’m a mum too. But if I didn’t organise anything, nothing would happen ever.

I asked them about 2 weeks ago so yes it wasn’t loads of notice. But I was hoping this year that one of them would take the initiative for a change. By the time we were 3 weeks from the day, I had to take control and sort something.

I appreciate that perhaps they are in denial. Mum puts a brave face on a lot of the time. Perhaps they don’t want to face up to it.

I don’t want to cause friction in the family by causing a scene. I’m not sure if mum is hurt or not. Maybe it’s just me that’s hurt and annoyed.

They’d better bloody well post her something or I’ll have their guts for gaiters!

A lunch at five days' notice? I'd be busy, too.
Wow! So you’re telling me you wouldn’t make the time to see your own mother on what could potentially be her last Mother’s Day. A mother who is dying? That’s incredibly selfish and actually horrible

By the time we were 3 weeks from the day, I had to take control and sort something.

Except you didn't. You could have simply organised something for you and your mum.

Don't try to control how they deal with this or grieve. That is not your decision.