AIBU to think my brothers are BU re Mother's Day?

[lollipopjones]

My mum has terminal cancer. She was diagnosed 2 years ago. Her treatment won’t cure her but it will slow the progression down. So we don’t know how long she’s got left.

So I’ve organised a lunch at mine for Mother’s Day and both of my brothers have said they can’t come because they’re busy.

Youngest brother is seeing his wife’s mother for the day. (Who is 10 years younger than my mum and in excellent health) Oldest brother doesn’t have MIL in this country so I’ve no idea what they’re doing.

I’m really annoyed on my mums behalf. After all it could be her last Mother’s Day. I really want to have a go at my brothers about it but then I thought well they’re adults. Is it up to me to preserve their relationship with our mother?

So AIBU? Or are they?

So I do get your point I really do. But presumably you are now on your mum’s third “could be her last” mother’s day. And so I can get why your brothers aren’t exclusively focusing on this lunch to the exclusion of their own wives and MILs. Because that’s is a really hard place to constantly be in.

Yes I do get this and this is probably how they feel. And it maybe won’t be her last Mother’s Day.

And to answer a few more questions / assumptions-

1. Their wives and children were all invited. As they are every year

2. We normally do something every year because I organise it. They normally do come.

So most years their wives spend mother's day with their in laws, and not with their own mums or being treated themselves? I think a year off is fair enough OP.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. My MIL has incurable cancer and we don't know how long she's got left. It could be a year, but it could be ten years or more. As TheClacksAreDown put it, it's a very tricky balancing act. It wouldn't be fair to sideline my family every single holiday/special occasion "in case it is MIL's last", when she could have years yet. However, we have to be realistic about the fact she is not going to get better, so also want to spend time with her while we can. Do your brothers realise it may be her last mother's day?

We normally do something every year, because I organise it

They've probably had enough OP, you need to chill.

1) Their wives and children were all invited. As they are every year

2) We normally do something every year because I organise it. They normally do come.

Perhaps they've decided that it's about time that someone else's mother got a turn. After all, you've already organised two "this might be her last" lunches.

A lunch at five days' notice? I'd be busy, too

You're sound just delightful

you

I feel for you
My grandmother was dying in hospital after a long battle with cancer, my mother phoned her brothers to tell them this was it, they needed to be there.
One was busy.
The other popped to the hospital for 30 mins and then needed to go as he, 'needed his sleep.'
Just know she knows that you are there for her

Wow. Are they in denial?

If they normally attend every year maybe they’ve got past the whole last time thing as there have been a few last times of the same day. Maybe the wives want to be pampered by their children.

I lived with guilted last Christmas for 6years and although I always gave in. It ruined the day never being able to do something different or that’s we actually wanted to do because “last Christmas”. We did get the last Christmas and attended but the relief at not everything being the last ever was huge.

So I do get your point I really do. But presumably you are now on your mum’s third “could be her last” mother’s day. And so I can get why your brothers aren’t exclusively focusing on this lunch to the exclusion of their own wives and MILs. Because that’s is a really hard place to constantly be in.

Yes I agree. I just wish for my mum’s sake they hadn’t BOTH decided this year is the year they’re not going to bother.

Is your mum bothered? Or is it more about how you want it to be?

I have known people in similar situations who the last thing they want is fuss and people not living their lives and feeling tied down

I would be telling them in no uncertain terms, they will not get this time back. When my children were young we visited both my mum and mil ever mother's day,i realise distance doesn't always make this possible but people seem very selfish and insular these days (yes I am quite old). I hope she does have many more years op.

*Is your mum bothered? Or is it more about how you want it to be?

I have known people in similar situations who the last thing they want is fuss and people not living their lives and feeling tied down*

To my mum, her family are her life. She lives for her children and grandchildren. So I think she is disappointed that they’re not coming as she won’t see the grandchildren either. But she won’t tell them. She’s not like that.

I’m a lot more outspoken than my mum hence why I’m struggling to control telling them how I feel.

I think that's a bit shit from your brothers. My dm lives far away but I can't understand being within a reasonable driving distance of your dm and not seeing her, ill or not. However my advice is focus on the good things. Enjoy your day with your mother and your own family. It's possible your dbs really can't grasp the idea that your dm won't be there forever. They will potentially regret this.

YANBU, I think they’re being unkind but no, it’s not your responsibility to ensure they have a relationship with your mum. They have to do that. I’m sorry though.

Mother’s Day is just a day, your brothers can see your mother on another day.

You've said she's not going to recover, but haven't said that she's going downhill quickly.
I knew someone in that position and she lived another 7 years. This could be her last Mother's day, but it might not, so you may find if you make a fuss this year, then next year you want to again.
And maybe they'd rather spend time just with her and them.

And you can't say what's round the corner. I got news of a friend's death today. I was talking to her less than a month ago and she was having a few tests because she'd been a bit tired.

When are they planning on giving her a card/gift?

Could they maybe come at the same time on the Saturday? Have cake tea together or something then.

So sorry for your poor Mum, OP.

As she's been diagnosed terminal for the last 2 years, have they spent Mother's Day with her for the last 2 years running and don't see an imminent risk that she'll not be with you for the next one?

I can see how that feels a bit rubbish(and you should tell them what you think) but I think the onus is on you to make your mum feels very much loved on Mother's Day and there is no doubt that you can do that.

Some friends of mine make elaborate plans for themselves/their mothers on Mother's Day but my husband's family are very meh about it. Which annoys me a bit. It won't have occurred to my husband to do something with his own mother this Sunday (she is in good health, but on her own) but he helps her out loads generally and she knows she is loved and appreciated, she doesn't need a special day for that.
Mother's Day has become far more commercialised recently, along with valentines and the rest, not not everyone sees it as a big
Deal.

I hope you and your mum have a nice day regardless of whether your brothers turn up.