AIBU to think my brothers are BU re Mother's Day?

[lollipopjones]

My mum has terminal cancer. She was diagnosed 2 years ago. Her treatment won’t cure her but it will slow the progression down. So we don’t know how long she’s got left.

So I’ve organised a lunch at mine for Mother’s Day and both of my brothers have said they can’t come because they’re busy.

Youngest brother is seeing his wife’s mother for the day. (Who is 10 years younger than my mum and in excellent health) Oldest brother doesn’t have MIL in this country so I’ve no idea what they’re doing.

I’m really annoyed on my mums behalf. After all it could be her last Mother’s Day. I really want to have a go at my brothers about it but then I thought well they’re adults. Is it up to me to preserve their relationship with our mother?

So AIBU? Or are they?

Don't try to control how they deal with this or grieve. That is not your decision.

Exactly this.

I would have a conversation to make sure they have realised that this might be the last mothers day they have with her. If they still baulk, leave them to it and do something lovely with your Mum and your DC.

It’s really difficult. People cope with these things in different ways. Are their families invited too? Could you have lunch with your mum and your brothers come over for tea/cake with their respective children/partners after?

Perhaps they had already booked a lunch out/arranged something? They might not have wanted to presume your mother would be well enough to commit to something like that weeks in advance.

Or they could just be unable to cope with it themselves.

Are they younger than you? I think there is a possibility that they just don't want to be bossed around by their big sister, and will be approaching the issue of your mum's health in a way that works for them.

I would have a conversation to make sure they have realised that this might be the last mothers day they have with her. If they still baulk, leave them to it and do something lovely with your Mum and your DC.

This

No, it's not up to you to preserve their relationship with your mother - you have given them an opportunity and presumably they are aware of the progress of her illness but they have made their own decisions as adults. Having a go at them is only going to sour your relationship,with them and to what end ? Them reluctantly attending an event under a cloud.

Maybe neither of them want to be at an emotionally loaded event where everyone is aware it could be the last one - especially if it is not usual thing to gather everyone together for that day. Do they have contact with her in other ways ? Those may be equally precious memories for them to have.

My brother had a tricky relationship with my mother and I kept him up to speed with my mother's condition towards the end - I would have liked him to have seen her a little more, for both their sakes , but that was his decision and it was not my responsibility to manage him or to instruct him.

They do have children, so naturally they are going to see their children and wives as priority on mothers day. However as its potentially the last one for your mum, they could have said they will go.
Maybe they are offended that their families aren't invited too.

They reap what they sow OP.

One day it may be them.

FWIW, I think they are being shitty, and I would spell it out.

Is mother's day usually a big deal for your family and your mum? If so, they're being somewhat insensitive. If not, then they are entitled to turn down invitations for any reason at all. If it's a case that it's important to you personally, then make a massive fuss of your mum and enjoy spending time with her. But leave your brothers out of it.

Personally, mother's day is not important to me in any way. I would rather see the people I love on my own terms rather than be dictated to do or expect something because its some arbitrary Sunday.

Leave them to it. Be it on their conscience when they really won't be able to spend time with her anymore.

Personally, mother's day is not important to me in any way. I would rather see the people I love on my own terms rather than be dictated to do or expect something because its some arbitrary Sunday.

This.

maybe think of it from theirs pov and their families.

They won't want to be reminded that their mother is dying and this might be her last Mothering Sunday.

Their families might be struggling with the reality of losing mil/granny.

They might not want to taint an otherwise happy day for them with memories of an ailing relative.

They might also be thinking the terminal diagnosis came 2 years ago but yet here she still is.

I know it sounds harsh but you cannot tell them how they should be behaving right now.

Enjoy your day with your mum your way and let your brother enjoy theirs in their way. They may come to regret it if this is to be her last. But if you keep harping on about every event maybe being your mum's last, you are going to hurt yourself too. Enjoy the moments you do have together.

I'm sorry OP. Must be tough for you. Perhaps it just hasn't sunk in with them yet and they're a bit in denial. When you have a relative who is terminal, but has been alive for a couple of years, I think it's easy to forget that they could be gone soon. I'd send another text saying what a shame it is that they can't come, and then leave it.

Personally, Mother's Day is not important to me in any way. I would rather see the people I love on my own terms rather than be dictated to do or expect something because its some arbitrary Sunday.

I would normally agree with this (in fact saw the family last weekend instead) but if it is possible this is the OP's Mum's last Mother's Day I think her brothers are being unfeeling in not putting their mother above the Mils or own wives this time.

They might not want to taint an otherwise happy day for them with memories of an ailing relative.

Christ, I hope that isn't what they are thinking. Better to think they are just thoughtless surely.

They might also be thinking the terminal diagnosis came 2 years ago but yet here she still is.

This one is pretty grim too.

Personally, mother's day is not important to me in any way. I would rather see the people I love on my own terms rather than be dictated to do or expect something because its some arbitrary Sunday.

This goes for all my family and all my DHs family. It’s just not a thing with any of us and yet we still all manage to show our love for one another. If one of my siblings arranged something and then tried to guilt trip me into going I would be really pissed off.

I also think you are being unfair to say you will be angry unless they send her something in the post. Honestly that’s bossy and controlling.

mayb e they are in some sort of denial when my mum was terminal for a couple of weeks i woldnt see her pretended nothing was wrong

do u usually celebrate it maybe they just think like me its another made up money making load of crap

Is this a case of a daughter is always a daughter but a son is only a son until he gets a wife? I think this is further complicated by the fact that both of them have children, so their wives will be the most important mother in their family, on that day. The wife will also have a mother who is important to her. It's complicated.

If I were your mum I wouldn't want you to make a fuss. Just let it lie.

Maybe neither of them want to be at an emotionally loaded event where everyone is aware it could be the last one - especially if it is not usual thing to gather everyone together for that day.
This ^^ Far better that they see her at other times without it being a potentially last event, than are guilt-tripped into having a lunch where everyone focuses on how soon DM could be dead. I'm sure they're well aware it could be her last and are trying not to dwell on that. You'd all be better creating your own happy memories with her and not trying to force them just because card companies tell you you should.

Wow your brothers are a pair of thoughtless cunts

Very harsh indeed. You have no idea about the family dynamics.

I can just imagine the outcry on here if a man insisted on spending time with the "difficult, interfering, boring' (insert your own MIL description) MIL, and left his DW on her own on Mothering Sunday. Yes I know she has terminal cancer, but I'm sure you get my point.

Here is one other view point.

My late FIL was declared terminally ill. Everything was then understandably focussed around him - we must attend on his birthday/Fathers day/Christmas/Easter etc “as it may be his last”. Which was fine. Fortunately he lived past the anniversary of his diagnosis. But the attitude (particularly of MIL and SIL, not FIL really) was that again everything should be focussed on him “as it may be his last [event]”. Which was sort of ok but meant I was expected to shelve my family in the mean time (some of whom had their own health issues) and other thing I might wanted to do which I started to (silently) get a little resentful of. And on it went until eventually he did pass.

So I do get your point I really do. But presumably you are now on your mum’s third “could be her last” mother’s day. And so I can get why your brothers aren’t exclusively focusing on this lunch to the exclusion of their own wives and MILs. Because that’s is a really hard place to constantly be in.

Yes they are being a pair of idiots. I didn't have a great relationship with my mum but knew the next Mother's Day due would be her last and made a big effort in time and a big bunch of flowers. We went to see her in the morning and she died that evening, on Mother's Day. Be blunt and tell them straight it's the least they can do.

I'd be very disappointed and annoyed that my brothers couldn't make it under the circumstances you describe. They should cancel their plans as it could very well be her last mother's day. I'd speak to their wives. They might have a conscience. Your brothers obviously don't.

But it’s one day, much more important is the relationship in general not how they respond to a “summons” on one day just because the calendar says you should surely?

For those that are judging the brothers with only the information the OP has given - not everyone has the same childhood as their siblings. I am constantly judged by my family - who have no clue as to what my childhhod was like, so while my siblings probably have lovely memories of our parents and enjoy spending time with them, this was not my experience, and I have good reasons for not having any more than low contact with my parents.