AIBU not to host Nephew

[MelCK]

Last week DH's nephew, his sister's son, aged 11, who lives abroad, sent DH a voice message on whatsapp using his mother's account: "Uncle I am traveling to London this summer, can I order anything I like from the air hostess. when I fly as an unaccompanied child?"

I overheard this as DH played the message on speaker.

We have two boys 5 and 7, and no immediate family nearby.

Unbeknown to me DH then made arrangements to make a detour during his business trip in July to pick up his nephew and fly with him to London on the last leg.

When he told me about his itinerary I plainly said no, please don't bring anyone back, I have my hands full with our two boys, which DH helps very little.

DH is displeased but agreed, asked his sister not to make travel arrangements for her son via Whatsapp. She replied: Fine if he is not welcomed.

Before DSIL's family moved abroad they lived on the same street three houses away, DH's nephew used to come and play everyday at 6pm after his dinner, unaccompanied, and stay till 7. i made the point to stop his daily play visits when my 2nd son was born, too much work for me.

In the five years of living on the same street my older son was allowed into her house to play about four times. Each time accompanied by DH. I often overheard the kids' conversation when DS asked if he would go to nephew's house to play the toys he was talking about, and nephew replying a stern No. Many times we walked him back to the door of his house and DS asked Can I go in? And nephew stood in front of him and said No, looking alarmed.

DSIL is often aloof, won't even make eye contact let alone hello or thank you.

DH would always say: yeah she is a bit like that. And think nothing of it. I am just annoyed. Nephew is Not Welcomed? What do I say? It's in our family Whatsapp group

I’m confused, was your nephew flying unaccompanied to come & stay with you, but this hadn’t been arranged/requested?

You sound like hard work.

I'm an arse like that, but I'd go "he's just as welcome as my children were in your house" and then maintain radio silence on the issue.

And then have a stern word with husband about inviting people to stay without discussing it wih you.

Why do people ask these questions? We don't know your family history. You're asking for an objective view that you've already made up your mind about. Just say he's not welcome.

Myheartbelongsto That’s a bit harsh.

As they say, you don’t have an in law problem, you have a dh problem.

Nephew is flying unaccompanied to come & stay with us, DH started to look at tickets after he got that voice message.

This hadn’t been arranged/requested or talked about.

Aha, 'hard work'

Also known as 'not being a fucking mug'

OP I'd go with idontdowindowsreply. Or

'Not welcomed? Don't be so silly. What isn't welcomed is not being consulted. You would feel exactly the same. In future, please get in touch in advance if something like this arises, and ask us if it's possible for us to help.'

What!

Errr that would be NO he is NOT coming to stay, as she has not fucking asked you! Right?!

“You sound like hard work.”

No she doesn’t. Her husband’s sister didn’t welcome her nephew into her home for 5 years but shipped hers over every evening?

She can fuck off.

You sound a bit odd to be honest - the stopping him from coming round when your ds2 was born sounds really unkind.

There's clearly some history here you're not telling us about.

If your DH was expecting you to look after him he's got a cheek to not even ask you first

Host DN, and take a chill pill.

So your DH has arranged his nephew to come and stay and you knew nothing about it? Why wouldn't he discuss this with you first?

the stopping him from coming round when your ds2 was born sounds really unkind.

Does it? When you had a newborn, you were fine with having another child over every day were you? Everyone is welcome in your house without an invitation any time they want no matter what you are doing - now that sounds odd to me.

I think you might be missing a trick here, won’t your boys love to have him to stay? I don’t see mine if an older child comes to hang out. If your sil is a cold fish it might be the only way to maintain significant cousin relationships for all of them.

SIL is sending her son to you in the summer but she didn't ask you first? Did DH know about it then?
I'd be annoyed with DH if so for not discussing it with you, especially as you'll be expected to do the childcare.
Tell SIL on Whatsapp that she should have checked with you first. How long is DN coming for? If not long, can DH get AL and look after the kids?

YABU if you never host DNephew ever.

YANBU if 'D'SIL springs a visit on you without making prior arrangements first.

Your SIL is straying into CF territory.

I’d reply that it’s not that he’s not welcome but you are busy with the boys and would prefer to be asked rather than told wen a visitor is coming. That will make the point on the whatsapp that sil is a cheeky fucker. Then if she tries to make arrangements for him to stay in future you can just say it’s not convenient for whatever reason.

Why the hell are posters giving OP a hard time? He not so DH arranged it without consulting her and expects her to do all the caring and wife work, plus look after his nephew. FUCK NO! Good for you OP. You’ve been a mug for long enough and please don’t have any more children with the lazy, selfish git

To me it sounds like SIL or DN are uncomfortable with people in their own space.

I’m not sure how much hard work a boy coming to play for an hour each day is. Maybe it was more the noise around a newborn?

Either way I would be facilitating it for my kids as they would le to see their cousin. But if I found it hard to cope like you I would also say to DH there will be x amount of days you get to go out solo for x time and he is in charge. He must agree to this for it to happen.

Your SIL was already a CF when she lived in your street and never reciprocated the daily playdates her son had at your house. I wouldn't be providing her with free childcare for a whole summer, you've already done a lot for not much in return. Your DH needs to tell her no.

To me it sounds like SIL or DN are uncomfortable with people in their own space.

If that were the case you would think they'd be more aware of respecting other peoples space and boundries, wouldn't you think? Why is it ok for them but not the OP to want her own space/be asked about visits?

Just ignore it, it's designed to engage you. Leave it, he's not coming, SIL can read whatever she wants into it, what ever you say won't change her mind about anything. I think she's hoping for " oh dear, we love you, of course he can come"

I still let the boys play together after my younger son was born, just not every day, our door bell used to rang at 6pm everyday like clock work, and when little boys ring door bells they don't just press once...

We didn't have a living room, it was play room with toys and bits of Lego everywhere, back breaking work tidying it up.

DH used to take nephew on day trips to the zoo etc with our children very often, we went on holiday once with nephew along when his parents jets off to Bali on a romantic break...

They have only one son. DH says his sister does not like children and I am good with kids.

I once said very nicely to nephew when he is at ours: it's our little boy's bedtime now I will take you home, and he said No my mum is having a bath and she said don't come back till XX time..

DH just assumed I would agree, he did offer to take time off to look after his Nephew, which really was the last straw: my children are 5 and 8, DH has read bedtime stories no more than twice with them, I bath them cook for them etc, i am their mother, DH had a hard job so I can just about to persuade myself; but for him to take time off to look after his nephew but not to offer any help bringing up his sons?

I too have a brother (younger) and I am someone else's DSIL, so torch me if I am being U