AIBU not to host Nephew

[MelCK]

Last week DH's nephew, his sister's son, aged 11, who lives abroad, sent DH a voice message on whatsapp using his mother's account: "Uncle I am traveling to London this summer, can I order anything I like from the air hostess. when I fly as an unaccompanied child?"

I overheard this as DH played the message on speaker.

We have two boys 5 and 7, and no immediate family nearby.

Unbeknown to me DH then made arrangements to make a detour during his business trip in July to pick up his nephew and fly with him to London on the last leg.

When he told me about his itinerary I plainly said no, please don't bring anyone back, I have my hands full with our two boys, which DH helps very little.

DH is displeased but agreed, asked his sister not to make travel arrangements for her son via Whatsapp. She replied: Fine if he is not welcomed.

Before DSIL's family moved abroad they lived on the same street three houses away, DH's nephew used to come and play everyday at 6pm after his dinner, unaccompanied, and stay till 7. i made the point to stop his daily play visits when my 2nd son was born, too much work for me.

In the five years of living on the same street my older son was allowed into her house to play about four times. Each time accompanied by DH. I often overheard the kids' conversation when DS asked if he would go to nephew's house to play the toys he was talking about, and nephew replying a stern No. Many times we walked him back to the door of his house and DS asked Can I go in? And nephew stood in front of him and said No, looking alarmed.

DSIL is often aloof, won't even make eye contact let alone hello or thank you.

DH would always say: yeah she is a bit like that. And think nothing of it. I am just annoyed. Nephew is Not Welcomed? What do I say? It's in our family Whatsapp group

OP we are hosting 5 of our DN's on top of our 4 for a week in easter, Is it worth causing a family arguement over? Im sure your boys will enjoy it.

I feel sorry for the DN but really he is not the OP’s problem. She wants to put her own DC first and not be treated like a doormat.
OP, say a firm NO to your DH and the DSIS dumping her son on your family. Let her do her own parenting.

I think you are being unreasonable to punish your DN for faults that lay with the 3 adults in this story (and yes that includes you OP as you say your DH is someone who doesn't pull his weight with his own kid and is often taking the piss yet you let him get away with it).

Say yes to the child visiting but leave your DH to it, go on a weekend away somewhere with friends or whatever and make sure he takes the time off to look after his DN and enjoy his own kids. It's not fair on the 11yo to miss out on having a relationship with his cousin and uncle because your husband doesn't seem to want to pull his own weight.
I say let him come but make it clear to your DH that he is NOT your responsability.

Thank you ladies, I really needed to vent and clear my head, feeling better now.

I envy those of you with fond childhood memories holidaying with cousins, I only read about them in books. I used to just go to grandparents' house to play with cousins who were also visiting, one or two overnight stays max. All of our parents worked and it was too much for elderly grandparents to have us for anything longer than two days.

Nephew from my side of the family is too little to visit on his own, when they came they were caring and offered to help in many ways to lighten my workload, that's what families do.

DH will be going away from 11th July, I am on my own, DH plans to be back in early August, with his nephew, to stay for three weeks. I won't say no to one week, but three weeks is really too much

Do your dc and dn have a good relationship? From a previous post l thought that he would not share very well?

YANBU and I'm surprised anyone is saying you are. You have 2 kids of your own and it sounds like you look after them single handedly. Your husband thinks he can go off on a business trip and then comeback and have your nephew stay with you for 3 week, total piss take. I do feel sorry for your nephew but it sounds like you have done a lot for him already.
Also I don't blame you for being annoyed at him suggesting leave for the time your nephew is here when it sounds like he spends very little time with his own kids.

3 weeks is really cheeky. 1 week sounds better. If it works well, you can always do more next year. Dds cousin came when she was 13 for 3 weeks it was fab. Dd was 6. She was great at entertaining and looking after dd.

3 weeks is too long - it's just an excuse for free child care over the summer holidays.
Agree to the week but say no more.
Don't let them take advantage of you. X

YANBU.

The boys will always be family. Not seeing each other in one summer won't change that fact.

Whether or not he has a good home life is no business of yours.

It'd be a no from me too. She is a CF indeed.

Both your H and SIL are cheeky fuckers.
Whats with the 'she isnt good with kids but you are' malarkey?
When your H is back start making plans for you. Preferably overnight ones away from the house. Yes you are the mother. I am also a mother to 2 boys and do more than my DH for a variety of reasons but i also go out, see friends etc and DH will see to dinner, bathtime, bedtime etc. He is a teacher and he has always looked after them in the school hols on the days i worked. For 12 years!
You are their mother but not the nanny or the skivvy. Take some time for you and do not be providing free childcare to your DN, unless your SIL will return the favour?
Ask her on the family whatsapp group!

3 weeks is a massive drip feed

With every single post you are drip-feeding enormously. I don't think Yabu. You do sound rather highly strung, stressed and at the end of your tether. But I'm not sure whether or not this is because the tide of AIBU is turing on you or if you are being genuinely unreasonable.

On the face of it it sounds like you need a lot more support from your H. A 3-week stay sounds unreasonable in view of your H not being able to actually parent his own sons yet being able to prance off and bring home the nephew.

So your husband does nothing with your children but he takes them out on days out? Die she have time or is he home to read stories etc? You say he doesn’t take any time off to spend with his children (he does see them everyday) so why not take advantage of him taking time off to help let his nephew stay. It is his nephew and as long as he pulls his weight I wouldn’t see the problem. I was kept away from family quite a lot and wish I could have spent time with cousins etc

Your husband sounds dreadful which is the issue I would focus on.

3 weeks??? It's too much. He is only 11, he never visited you like this, it looks like his parents have different approach to parenting, you don't know how he will get on with his cousins, etc...
It also looks like you won't have any time as a family over summer as your husband will be away and then DN will be with your for 3 weeks.

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed, DH does need to do more, I've given him an earful after I said No to DN's visit. He has never looked after three boys on his own, all those days out to the zoo/ parks I went along too, three boys 3 years apart have very different interests and need.

I just cannot get my head around 'Fine if he is not welcomed' was is trying to make me feel guilty, honestly the cheeks! what would you say? I've read the previous replies and thank you all for your suggestions

I wouldn't want to have the dn over if his parents had taken the piss by sending their ds over every day but only having my ds over a handful of times.

And for all we know maybe the DN didn't want OP's ds over either, so he didn't have to share his toys.

OP, has your dh tols his sister no? Or is the visit happening?

It depends on if you want to keep the peace. If you don't want an argument, just let it go. She's probably put DS up to this so they can have another 3 weeks child free.

If she has texted your husband, it's probably best not to say anything. Has she texted you?

How about the following - call out that it is childminding not a hoist (3 weeks without checking with you is insane).

Of course he is welcome, for the week of XX August. I already have plans for the other two weeks you suggested and won’t be available to childmind DN im afraid.

If your DH or anyone questions what your plans are - you say ‘focusing on my own two DC of course. DC1 being at school means holiday times are precious. If someone comes to stay for 3 weeks I’ll not have much time to focus on my own DC, what a silly suggestion!’

DH needs to take the whole 3 weeks off to look after his DN given he didn’t bother asking you. Is he really expecting you to look after this child alone?

DH needs to take the whole 3 weeks off to look after his DN given he didn’t bother asking you.

Problem is that he won't take time off for his own children and leaves those to OP, but has offered to take time off to look after this nephew!

With regards to the fact you do all the childcare - what is both yours and your dhs woh situation?
If one party earns all the money, and one does all the childcare (with school age children), that would seem like a pretty fair split.
However, if you're working as well, then it should be 50/50 when you're both home.

I think three weeks is too much, but I do feel sorry for your nephew, so I'd probably compromise on one week, and say yes please to your dh taking the week off. I'd then organise a few things for myself, and leave him with all three occasionally.