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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is enough enough?

54 replies

Perfectdisaster · 05/03/2018 23:54

We never have sex yet I was watching the tv and a bizarre screen came on which delightfully alerted me to the fact my DP was watching porn..(he had been streaming music earlier and it must still be connected) .. he has trouble getting and maintaining an erection on the rare occasion he has attempted sex so I’m quite baffled. Any advice?

OP posts:
Domino20 · 05/03/2018 23:58

Is he perhaps a porn addict and now can't get aroused in normal situations?

Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:01

Depends. Have you never been able to have sex? How long have you waited?

It sounds like perhaps his equipment is working (nobody watches porn for the articles) but has some sort of mental block or physiological issue.

Everyone will probably flame me here but most likely him viewing porn is a separate issue to his inability to consummate your relationship.

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:04

It crossed my mind in the past he was gay but this was definitely female porn! He is great in every other aspect but sex! So I’m now feeling cheated he’d rather watch porn.

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Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:06

Sorry you are going through this, it sounds shit.

Have you ever managed it with him? This will alter the advice you are given.

Incapable is different from unwilling.

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:06

Oh and yes we have had sex in the past not wonderful sex ...... for years I beat myself up blaming myself and it has lead to depression - I get plenty of interest from the opposite sex but would never dream of being unfaithful

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Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:15

I think you do need to seperate your feelings about the porn from the sexual issues in order to get to the heart of the problem. Off the top of my head....

He could have anxiety about pregnancy STDs etc.

He could be addicted to porn as the poster above has suggested.

He could have performance issues caused by any number of things. Like Trey and Charlotte in SATC and the 'Madonna/Whore' complex.

Sorry to suggest this but he could also be some sort of perverted deviant. Was the porn 'normal'?

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:20

We have been together 13 years and have a DD together as far as I’m aware no other parties have been involved so the likelihood of STD is nil, plus he would have to actually have sex to become infected! I think I’m shocked by the porn due to the practically no sex issue !

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:23

Re the Trey and Charlotte situation we were together an awful long time before we consummated the relationship by that time I’d fallen in love with him, miraculously fell
Pregnant and stayed with him....

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:24

I’ve sacrificed having a sex life for the sake of the family

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:24

....and now there’s porn ha ha!!

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Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:26

Wow 13 years and a DD, have you considered he might have some fucked up attitude to sex, in that porn and 'nasty' girls are for pleasure and you are the mother/caregiver/partner? The whole thing is awful but I doubt that he is actively trying to choose porn over you.

Graphista · 06/03/2018 00:31

Yep - could well be combination of porn creep and death grip plus social-psycho-sexual issues otherwise.

Therapy, laying off the porn and masturbation would all probably help but it takes time and effort on his part and it doesn't sound like he cares enough.

People say "oh sex isn't everything" no but it is the key difference between a friendship and a relationship.

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:31

Who knows ? thanks for your replies by the way. We can’t even talk about it so I’ve done the really brave thing and texted him even though he’s upstairs maybe asleep or enjoying his new or maybe not new found past time! I can’t bare to go near him I wish I was brave enough to call it a day. At least we are not married

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:32

I know sex isn’t everything but it hurts when there’s none and apart from that generally he’s a loving father and partner

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Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:32

This sounds awful but I would consider leaving. I'm sure in the morning a load of people will pile on this thread to say "what about if the gender was reversed?" "Sex isn't a right" etc etc but it's NOT normal and he should be making more of an effort for you, like seeing his GP.

Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:34

I'm so pissed off on your behalf OP. It's not even the lack of sex or the porn use, it's the apparent lack of any true effort on his part to do anything about it.

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:36

Thanks for your advice going to sleep on the couch leave him to it !!!

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Ssssurvey · 06/03/2018 00:36

I don't give this advice lightly, but I think it is fairly normal within a relationship to feel attractive and if you were to pursue this with your partner it would involve couples therapy or a lot of joint effort. I think you deserve more than that sort of effort. Think of how you will feel in 10-15 years, he will then be blaming the lack of action on tiredness and in all that time you will have missed out on any kind of passion or real closeness. You sound young enough to break free Flowers

Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:42

Sleep tight Perfect we are here for a handhold x

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 00:44

Breaking free would destroy my DD I won’t do it. I’m my worst enemy I know it. I’d resigned myself a few years back sex was a non starter except for approx once a year so to discover the porn has really shocked me and I feel betrayed. I work hard to look good and have not let myself go I’m kind and caring and feel devastated it’s not me he’s interested in sexually.

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ohfourfoxache · 06/03/2018 00:46

That’s really shit Sad

Well done for texting him, that took guts Thanks

JeSaisPas · 06/03/2018 00:52

Oh OP, it sounds like there is so much going wrong here, much deeper than the lack of sex. The fact you feel you can't even speak to him about it shows that your communication has really broken down.

It sounds like you need to sit down and get everything out in the open, tell each other what you're not happy with and decide on a plan of action to fix it. Would he be up for couple's counselling?

It might not be anything too sinister, he may just have a very low sex drive or erectile dysfunction made worse by performance pressure. But if you never get to the bottom of it you're condemning yourself to a life without sex so it's worth acting sooner rather than later.

Bitchywaitress · 06/03/2018 00:53

Agreed well done! He has hurt you and he needs to know this. It's the only hope for your relationship.

Merryoldgoat · 06/03/2018 00:53

Sounds like Pornography Induced Erectile Dysfunction.

Porn over stimulates the senses and floods the brain with dopamine. Sex with another person doesn’t teach the same dopamine high and therefore the sufferer can’t get adequately aroused to have real sex.

It’s a real fucker to get over and your partner needs to admit it’s a problem. He needs to stop using porn completely and see a psychosexual therapist. If he’s willing then you might get enough improvement to rekindle things. Also, Viagra can help too for the first stages.

Much luck, OP,

Walkingdeadfangirl · 06/03/2018 00:54

Even if you are impotent when it comes to real life it can still be possible to get aroused with porn. It just depends on what it causing the problem. Has he been to the doctor? it might not be his fault and doesn't mean he doesn't want to be 'normal', what ever that means.