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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When is enough enough?

54 replies

Perfectdisaster · 05/03/2018 23:54

We never have sex yet I was watching the tv and a bizarre screen came on which delightfully alerted me to the fact my DP was watching porn..(he had been streaming music earlier and it must still be connected) .. he has trouble getting and maintaining an erection on the rare occasion he has attempted sex so I’m quite baffled. Any advice?

OP posts:
kubex · 06/03/2018 00:54

When was the last time either of you tried to initiate sex?

How do you feel about porn? Would you consider watching it together?

It could be the kickstart you both need!

Ssssurvey · 06/03/2018 01:00

Handhold from me too. Please don't dis-count yourself from this though. At the moment it may seem bearable and not too hard, even far easier than breaking out, but if time goes by and you still look after yourself it can become very debilitating and that won't help the whole family dynamics. Please give yourself some time to work it out the best way for you xxx

AjasLipstick · 06/03/2018 02:12

One day, your DD will be 18, 19 or maybe a little older and she will move out. Leaving you and him alone....you will be older then. More time wasted.

Jon66 · 06/03/2018 02:56

If your partner cannot get an erection or maintain an erection that may be why he is watching porn. Men who cannot maintain an erection can still reach orgasm and ejaculate but it is 'manual' if you see what I mean. It sounds as if you should be having an honest conversation with each other about these difficulties. They can be overcome, sometimes using cialis or viagra. Relationship counselling, by a practioner who also does sex counselling would help a lot, but you have to both want it. It does take time and effort, but you can get back on track. Better than being unhappy and resentful.

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 13:27

We both avoid the subject I have sent a number of messages and he won’t even reply which he never does I think he is stressed to death!

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AjasLipstick · 06/03/2018 13:31

Messages? You mean like texts? You need to speak to him OP...not message him. Messaging about a relationship isn't the right approach.

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 06/03/2018 14:03

Oh I know but he’s not here and when he gets in I have to go out - shifts!!! I’ve got a feeling he will just ignore it and hope it goes away

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 07/03/2018 01:26

So not had time to talk I was asleep when he came home he hugged me having not responded to any messages. Another night in the couch for me until he realises he needs help I’m donr

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 07/03/2018 01:27

If there is no communication there is no help what a shame I’m
Disttaught

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AjasLipstick · 07/03/2018 01:39

Tell him you're both taking a day off work to talk. Let him know that if he fails to do this then it's over.

Extreme measures but it sounds like it's the only option.

Jobjobjob · 07/03/2018 06:44

That all sounds shit OP! Honestly rethink the having to stay together.

Ladybird11 · 07/03/2018 07:34

You really need to talk to him.. intimacy is important.. do you have that, if not sex?

Bitchywaitress · 07/03/2018 21:59

I imagine the reason he is unwilling to discuss the issue is because he is very very embarrassed. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel as a man?

Maybe if the OP pushes the subject they can break through his shame and start tackling the problem.

HappyJohn · 07/03/2018 23:13

You aren't going to get anywhere until you talk about it. He must know that such low levels of sex are not normal. I think you need to be brave and have a we need to talk about this conversation and that may well involve telling him that if things don't change you will be leaving.
I did porn for 20 years and it does rot things up.
But he won't change unless you take some decisive steps. Sounds like you havent got much to lose and a lot to gain if you get on well. The trouble is you need him to open up about it. So you need to be very non-judgemental because he will probably be feeling like shit about it and aware that his masculinity is threatened.
Men can change you know! I am surrounded by men who have in SAA but that may not be the issue here. Only he can tell you...

LeighaJ · 07/03/2018 23:47

Perfectdisaster

If it weren't for you having a child together I'd seriously wonder if you were married to my ex. Except he also cheated and refused to talk about it or go to couples counselling until I said I was leaving ofc. Too late.

I think an unhappy marriage ultimately does more harm to a child then a divorce but maybe one last attempt to get help wouldn't hurt...

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 08/03/2018 09:46

I am so worried to have the talk as it will change things forever. For him to admit this problem will be horrendous . He has been tidying the house running me baths cooking my favourite food its like he is trying to show he has some worth, i cant hardly look at him feel so sick cant sleep. I dont want this to be the end but i cant carry on ignoring this massive problem.

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 08/03/2018 10:07

Is the advice for him to go and speak to a doctor - if he can’t speak to me about it how is he going to tell a doctor? I can’t carry on in this state it’s affecting my DD.

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 08/03/2018 10:22

Maybe he should read this thread....

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 08/03/2018 10:29

The initial anger is not there it’s now total sadness and dispare. I had resigned myself to a sexless relationship a few years ago following deep depression over the matter and I thought he just had no interest in sex. So to discover he does but has not bothered to go see a doctor to discuss his issues has crippled me. I went through pregnancy and childbirth and everything else associated with that and he can’t even seek help. I’ve suffered the humiliation of rejection and he has even been nasty in the past (I suspect to cover up his inadequacy) no anger is back I’m very angry

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 08/03/2018 11:27

I’ve said (in a text of course as we can’t soeak about this as it’s so hard) he goes to see a doctor with my total support and help or he leaves. He is shocked and told me how much he loves me, I don’t doubt that but told him this is not going away by itself. He said watching porn was a one off wether that is true or not the problem is it showed he was interested in sex just not bothered to face up to this most embarrassing illness/condition which hurts so much. I’m waiting for further update. Let’s hope this leads to an actual face to face discussion.

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 08/03/2018 11:28

I am offering total support and hope I don’t appear harsh or unreasonable. Let’s hope after 13 years (of us being together) he can get some help and hopefully save this relationship.

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Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 09/03/2018 18:33

So I went to the doctors for advice and when I spoke to him about it he went crazy ! It looks like he is not willing to face up to his problem so it’s looking like it’s over

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Graphista · 09/03/2018 18:37

So sorry you're going through this but he does need to shape up or ship out, it's no way to live within a relationship (barring untreatable illness/disability that renders sex a non option)

jaseyraex · 09/03/2018 18:48

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's going to be very difficult if he won't speak to you or be honest with you about the problem. Perhaps the shock of you suggesting it will be over if he doesn't seek advice or help will be enough to make him open up? My DH was addicted to porn. It so very nearly destroyed our relationship. He's been attending sex addicts anonymous meeting for about a year and a half now and things have improved an enormous amount. It's that initial admitting to whatever the problem may be that seems to be the hard part.

I hope you can sort it out somehow. 13 years is a lot to throw away. Flowers

Original poster
Perfectdisaster · 09/03/2018 19:28

I’m going to tell him to leave

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