Is my husband a lazy arse or AIBU?

[Bonosbiatch]

Thursday was a snow day so I looked after our 2 year old son (complex additional needs) whilst my husband worked from home. He didn't offer any help all day but came out for lunch with us and had a nap when the toddler napped. Friday-Sunday morning he worked away and returned after zero sleep at 7am Sunday. I was pretty fuming about his laziness on Thursday and told him that on Sunday he'd be taking over the majority of the work from me for the day... which he mainly did. I still can't help thinking he's a lazy twat. I feel so angry towards him. I suffer from cycles of depression and I'm wondering is this an episode of that or is it is behaviour?

But he was working? How can he do childcare at the same time?

Had he worked all night on Saturday?

Yeah I don't really get it? You said he was working?

He was wfh on Thursday so he was NBU to help you. Then he was away with WORK. He helped when you asked. Does not come across as a lazy are.

You sound tired or depressed. Maybe ask in a non confrontatonal way for some more help.

So he worked away from Friday to Sunday, came home after a sleepless night (please tell me he got some rest between Friday and Sunday) and you didn’t let him sleep?

I think I am both of those things. He stayed in bed until 11.30am while my son was looked after by my mum. I feel like he should've helped her. He pretended he was working from home to his boss.

Today I mean.

I often work from home. The clue is in the phrase. He was working. I certainly couldn't have provided childcare and worked. I don't even do housework while I am working

That is because I am working, and my manager expects and trusts me to do exactly that. Time online and how long your computer is active or inactive for can easily be monitored remotely.

So, I think that you are being unfair and unrealistic in your expectations.

Wait... so he worked Thursday, then away with work and came home late , and "mainly did" the things you wanted him to do... and HE'S a lazy twat?

Either give us a drip or get a grip.

Do you work usually? Or are you at home with your lo anyway? If he worked all weekend and had no sleep I don't see how he is lazy. Was it the nap he took on Thursday that wound you up? But you said you made him make up for it on Sunday by helping out? He couldn't help working on weekend. Wasnt like he was out the whole weekend drinking? Sorry I don't see why you are annoyed with him

If he was wfm then he couldn't look after your DC ... he was working.

And on Sunday he had been working away since Friday and had had no sleep but you expected him to care for a two year old?

Unless I have misunderstood then you are being extremely unreasonable!

He slept from 7 - 11:30? That's four and a half hours. He must have been exhausted!

This is a wind up - yes?

He's a singer on the side so by working away, I meaning gigging in the evenings. He slept a lot of the during the day on the Saturday.

No he’s not lazy. If my husband had been away working (I’m assuming he travelled during the night?) I would let him sleep and then take over afternoon/evening duties. I understand why you’re feeling frustrated, but he isn’t the cause, and he isn’t being lazy. It’s overwhelming taking care of a child with complex needs by yourself so I don’t at all blame you for getting to the end of your tether - but he literally hadn’t slept on Saturday night so was in no condition to care for DC really. I’m amazed he managed it on zero sleep.

I work full time.

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to get some help.

I’m confused by this. He didn’t help out on Thursday (when he was working from home)? That’s the issue?

DH works from home 3 days a week. He doesn’t help out generally, because he’s working. Sometimes he will if he’s having a quiet spell, but I never expect it.

Ok cross post! So he’s a singer on the side? If you don’t need the money, and you have a child with additional needs, then his hobby would have to take a backseat for a while. I thought you meant away on essential business! Also the gig wouldn’t have gone on through the entire night, so he was obviously hanging out longer than necessary

You sound like you're really struggling and you need help and support. I understand why you're upset - because you're a partnership and you expect your partner to be your support.

The truth is though it really doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong. You're not really mad at him are you? Do you just feel hopeless and like he can make it better for you because you love each other?

Sorry if I'm making assumptions, I can just relate a lot to how you're feeling and have made the mistake of blaming my partner for no reason other than because he's the only one that can make it better when it's bad.

You need to sit down and talk without assigning blame. Blame does not matter. It is nobody's fault that there is a problem but the problem needs to be solved. You need more support, be open and honest about that and come up with ideas together.

He's a singer on the side so by working away, I meaning gigging in the evenings.

Oops missed that bit! Yes that's not essential and he is lazy. Still worth having a calm, blame free conversation with him to avoid defensiveness though.

He was working. If he is working then he does not have to do anything until the normal time he would be home

So he was doing gigs from Friday to Sunday morning with no sleep in between?

I just keep fantasising about divorcing him. It's really weird. My brain keeps concocting plausible reasons (to me) about why he's a shit. My parents think he's lazy too which really doesn't help. This is based on the fact that he often stays asleep to the very last moment possible and my mum arrives whilst he is still asleep to begin childcare when our child wakes up.