Is my husband a lazy arse or AIBU?

[Bonosbiatch]

Thursday was a snow day so I looked after our 2 year old son (complex additional needs) whilst my husband worked from home. He didn't offer any help all day but came out for lunch with us and had a nap when the toddler napped. Friday-Sunday morning he worked away and returned after zero sleep at 7am Sunday. I was pretty fuming about his laziness on Thursday and told him that on Sunday he'd be taking over the majority of the work from me for the day... which he mainly did. I still can't help thinking he's a lazy twat. I feel so angry towards him. I suffer from cycles of depression and I'm wondering is this an episode of that or is it is behaviour?

Friday day - travelling 6 hours to do a gig. Saturday evening gigging at the same place and then travelling back.

So he was pretending to work from home to get out of childcare but had time to enjoy a nice nap?

Yes, that would piss me off big time!

Do you accept though that if he was working on Thursday he couldn’t help with childcare?

Actually just reread... so he had a nap and went out for lunch with you on Thursday? Was he working the rest of the time?

Yes, he was working the rest of the time on Thursday, including until 10pm. He had from 1-4pm off for a lunch out and a nap.

So what more did you want him to do on Thursday?

I just keep fantasising about divorcing him. It's really weird.

You two need to talk. FS. Previous posts don't paint a pretty picture, if true, you have a history of being abusive towards him.

Let me have loo breaks or a snack as I can't do that easily due to my child's needs. Even just a 'can I get you a drink?'

Is he earning money when he is gigging?

If you are fantasising about leaving him, you are obviously unhappy in your marriage and it sounds as if you are looking for a way out by nitpicking.

I think it's really hard when they are working from home and you are with the kids at home. I always feel resentful as DH is upstairs and it feels like he's ignoring us, yet we have to be quiet and keep out of his way. Hope you get back into routine now. See if you can negotiate a couple of hours to yourself this week - I hope you can

Maybe that's exactly what I'm doing. Yes, he earns money for us by gigging.

Well having a break from 1-4pm whilst working form home doesn’t siund like working from home.
The fact he then worked until 10.00pm sounds more like a way to avoid being involved in looking after your child.

As for always being a sleep when your mum turns up... yes that’s full in lazy.

The going away for a gig. I wouldn’t call it laziness but he certainly doesn’t have his priority right. And those should be his family, aka you and his child, rather than himself, aka the gig.
I think that saying you did need a break on the Sunday was totally fair. Then up to him to organise himself so he is well enough to do so.
Having a day off on the ground of working from home today so he can recover from the lack of sleep is completely unprofessional.

Tbh I think there is more to it than just that ‘laziness’. If you constantly dreaming about divorcing him, you need to pinpoint what it is that you are so unhappy about.
I have to say, from your description, at least if you are divorced, you will (or should) get EOW for yourself....

What's EOW?

Unless he’s getting paid loads and you’re absolutely desperate for money, then it’s unacceptable to leave you with baby with additional needs all weekend, for what is essentially a hobby. It’s not fair on you at all.

It just feels like he can have a lovely lie in today but can't help me when I need it. And I really need the help.

Ok. I kind of get where you’re coming from, I remember I used to feel the same when DH started working from home (I’m a SAHM with 2 pre schoolers, and a small age gap so had a very young toddler and newborn). I resented that he could just ‘switch off’, and concentrate on how work while I was struggling to manage the DC.
Then I realised that he was working. If he was working out of the home I wouldn’t have any help anyway. Working from home is no different. He couldn’t just drop what he was doing so I could sit and have a coffee.
However it sounds like the overriding issue is that you’re not happy in your marriage.

I agree that I'm unhappy. I just don't know if it's because of my depression or because he's a nob.

I's not a hobby if he's getting paid for it. The money must be worthwhile to travel six hours to do it

It's about £250 a night.

I'd love to be paid for piling in a van with my mates and having a weekend away!

Well I guess only you can say whether he’s a knob or not.
He does need to get his priorities right though.

Well, if you're fantasizing about divorcing him, there must be a reason behind those fantasies. Whether it's a valid reason or not is the question.

I'd suggest you step back and take a look at your marriage and family life in totality and decide if he makes any valuable contribution to them. Not monetary contribution, but an emotional and practical contribution.

It may be that you're both just in a rut and some adjustments need to be made to domestic duties. It may be that he's just a selfish, lazy prat. Only you can make that distinction.

You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether OP. Do you have any access to respite care and do you have support to help with the toll stress might take on your MH?

Post: In addition, if you're suffering from depression it can somewhat affect your perceptions. Do you think it might help to see a counselor to help you sort out your feelings about your marriage?

I's not a hobby if he's getting paid for it.
But he also need to have a balance between his want to do someth8ng he enjoys, even if it’s paid, and the needs of his family (for for the OP to have a break form looking after a child with very high needs).

Working, esp when it’s something you do first for enjoyment, isn’t the get out of jail card to participate in any meaningful way to the family life, incl ta,ing his responsibilities as a father.