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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my husband a lazy arse or AIBU?

69 replies

Bonosbiatch · 05/03/2018 16:48

Thursday was a snow day so I looked after our 2 year old son (complex additional needs) whilst my husband worked from home. He didn't offer any help all day but came out for lunch with us and had a nap when the toddler napped. Friday-Sunday morning he worked away and returned after zero sleep at 7am Sunday. I was pretty fuming about his laziness on Thursday and told him that on Sunday he'd be taking over the majority of the work from me for the day... which he mainly did. I still can't help thinking he's a lazy twat. I feel so angry towards him. I suffer from cycles of depression and I'm wondering is this an episode of that or is it is behaviour?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonosbiatch · 05/03/2018 17:36

Yes I think counselling may help. I'm on ADs at the mo and they usually balance me out. Just was concerned they were numbing me to his twattishness so didn't take a couple. And voila then I noticed him being a twat.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonosbiatch · 05/03/2018 17:37

And I need respite. At most, I get 4 days off a year when not at work or being my child's primary carer.

OP posts:

Bluelady · 05/03/2018 17:39

So work's only work if you don't enjoy it. OK, been doing it wrong for over 40 years.

Original poster

Bonosbiatch · 05/03/2018 17:40

No but gigging isn't hard graft.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/03/2018 17:44

So it sounds like he has long hours, but doing things he enjoys for at least part of that time, and you are on 24/7 childcare with no respite? He takes naps when your son naps, but doesn’t get up with him when he needs care - that’s left to you?

I don’t know if your DH is lazy, but it sounds he gets to dictate his day but you don’t get to dictate yours and you don’t get nearly enough respite. You need to talk with him about how it isn’t working for you.

Original poster

Bonosbiatch · 05/03/2018 17:45

Thank you Boom. You've hit the nail on the head. I'm sick of him dictating the running order of things.

OP posts:

SEsofty · 05/03/2018 17:46

OK. You need to calmly discuss having a break and you both getting time off.

Bluelady · 05/03/2018 17:47

It's hard graft if it requires a six hour journey and involves no sleep. If it pays, it's work. I'm beginning to feel a bit sorry for your husband, OP.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 17:50

Can you speak to your local SS about respite care? I might be horribly out of date with this, but in the 90s SS would provide temporary foster care placements just to give parents of disabled children a break. Otherwise might you be able to get some extra help privately just to give you a rest?

You shouldn’t feel bad about taking time to care for yourself. You deserve to have a rest and time to regroup too. You have a huge responsibility and you need downtime in order to cope.

RebelRogue · 05/03/2018 17:55

Did you stop your meds full turkey? Did you get medical advice?

Why were you worried you might miss his twatishness?

ReanimatedSGB · 05/03/2018 18:12

Sorry but it is not reasonable to ask a working musician to give up music.
I think you should a) check with your GP about your meds and b) see if there is more respite available from your local council.
Then have a chat with your H about him putting in some more time on childcare but without ordering him to stop his gigs, which are bringing in money. Presumably he was a musician when you got married.

Original poster

Bonosbiatch · 05/03/2018 18:25

I took 3 days off taking my ADs because it all felt pointless.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2018 18:29

Do you need that £250?
If so, it sounds like he is working his arse off trying to keep you happy.
If not, then this is a hobby, which it doesn't seem like he has time for at this stage in your lives.
Re Thursday - yabu. He is working from home, he can't just stop all the time. And why if you all go out for lunch, does it count as time off for him, but work for you?

Crazyladee · 05/03/2018 18:35

Do you have access to the extra money he earns from the gigging? What I mean is.. Is he pocketing it for himself or is it going into a "family money" place to pay bills that need paying? £250 per night is a decent amount to be honest and as I'm not sure of your financial situation it's difficult to gauge whether he is being incredibly selfish or working 2 jobs to make ends meet. Luckily for him, he has found something he enjoys that pays very well.

It seems you are unhappy and need extra support. Coupled with working full time yourself you are wearing yourself out whilst building up resentment and bitterness for your DH who could be simply doing what he can to make ends meet.

I echo others mentioning respite care. Also, could you afford to scale back your own hours and create a bit of time for yourself/each other?

I think the first thing you should do is have a chat and get your feelings out in the open to your DH. Don't play the blame game though as in the nicest possible way, from what you have written, it doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong. Bringing home money from working 2 jobs is very different than If he was swanning off to the pub

DalekDalekDalek · 05/03/2018 18:51

If you started noticing his "twatiness" when you went off you medication then you can't judge your perception about it. Coming off anti-depressants cold turkey and without medical advice is a dangerous thing to do and will mess up your thinking. Don't make any decisions until you are back on your medication and it has balanced back out in your system.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 19:07

Thinking it all feels pointless is a damn good reason to keep taking ADs. If you stop taking them suddenly it can cause a crisis. Do you think you might be able to discuss your current feelings with your GP?

RemainOptimistic · 05/03/2018 19:20

The arrangement has to be agreed by both partners. That the extra money is worth the sacrifice of him opting out of being a husband and a father for entire weekends.

You're allowed to change your mind about this. Before DC, with just one DC, when DC needs were less demanding, all these are different situations where the balance should be discussed and both partners come to a mutually acceptable agreement.

It sounds like the money is NOT worth it. It sounds like the money doesn't benefit the family, I. E. Doesn't help provide respite or extra help looking after DC with complex needs. There's more to life than money. Money can't buy energy or optimism.

Shen0102 · 05/03/2018 20:18

lots of contradictions in this post. You both work full time, maybe he should use some of that £250 to get a child minder so you can both have time out here and there.

also sounds like you don't like him, therefore, anything he does is forever going to annoy you. I wonder what his side of the story is.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/03/2018 22:55

What contradictions Shen?

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