To ask which phase of your DCs upbringing did you find hardest?

[ethelfleda]

Was it New born stage? Toddler stage or maybe teenage years? And why?

Our DS (1st child) is 4 months and has hit sleep regression and I am finding it tough. I keep thinking "it'll be ok when this phase passes... it will get easier" but what if I am wrong? I adore my son but I am desperate for sleep.

He is EBF and last night I hit a low. About 2am he still wouldn't settle... I didn't know what to do. I said 'shut up' to him a few times under my breath and slapped myself around the face. I don't know why - I think I was frustrated and sleep deprived. Didn't realise DH (who sleeps in spare room) heard me say what I said and saw me do what I did over the video monitor. He came and took DS from me and got angry with me and I said he thinks I am 'not capable'

I didn't know what to do other than just weep!! I am so bloody angry at myself for telling a poor defenceless baby to 'shut up' when he just needed a cuddle. I feel like the crappest mother ever to be honest and I just feel like I need a rough point to 'look forward to' when I can believe that this may be easier than it is now.

Mine are only 4 and 2.5 so I’m aware I have a lot of challenges still to come but the first 6 months was definitely the hardest for me so far. I didn’t have one of these babies who sleeps all the time like you often see mentioned on here!
Sleep deprivation is so so hard. It gets easier I promise! Mine are pretty easy at the moment (and both sleep 7-7!), I’m relishing in it before the next challenging phase!

Oh and I found things drastically improved after the 6 month mark when mine could sit up/play with their toys etc.

1st child: 1st year (reflux)
The second has had moments but no phase sticks out per se.

I've read your post again. Do talk honestly to your partner about how hard you're finding it. Are you both pulling your weight? Is he doing his fair share of nights and are you letting him?

when they start walking but have no sense yet, kind of ages 1-2ish was pretty hard in the sense that you're chasing them around constantly. Then teenage years for different reasons, there's more worry there

1st child- 8 months to 3 years
2nd child 18 months -4 years
3rd child (autistic) - 11 - 18 ongoing.

0-6 months certainly was the hardest!!

So much to go through and so little reward for it in terms of emotional connection. Once your child starts smiling and talking to you I think its so much easier.... and once they start sleeping a bit longer your life improves dramatically.

Your DH is being an absolute dick btw. Fair enough to be worried about you but how on earth does he think telling you you arent capable is going to help you!?!?
I screamed at my newborn to 'shut up' once or twice when I had him. I wouldnt consider myself to be a bad mother I was just struggling at that point. I think its fairly common. Obv its not a very good thing to do but it happens to a lot of women. It is a very difficult time. You need his support not his condemnation.

Yeah everything seems to be a million times worse and harder to deal with when you're tired

So far, age 3-5 has been the hardest. I didn't really enjoy months 4-15 either but the bit in between was lovely. They do change such a lot that you will definitely get to a part you find easier sooner or later.

You’re allowed to say shut up! He doesn’t understand. You said it’s under your breath, not like you screamed it in his face. And you said it while tending to his needs!

You didn’t need to slap yourself, and it probably did look strange to DH, but sleep deprivation makes you do odd things. I’ve slapped myself to stay alert before.

Does DH understand how hard things are at the moment? Not just for you but for anyone in your position. I assume DH sleeps in the spare room so he can get more/better sleep? You don’t get this luxury!

Is he usually kind and supportive? Do you think you can talk to him honestly tonight and just say what you’ve said here? You aren’t a crap mother, you’re human and you don’t deserve to beat yourself up. Think of the thousands of loving, wonderful things you do for your son and don’t judge yourself on the ONE TIME you just had enough.

It will get better. And you’re not the only one who’s told the baby to shut up as long as you’re not slapping the baby, altho slapping yourself isn’t great, you deserve a bit of kindness.
Phases and stages rarely last long, you will get through it, but you & your DH need to work together & support each other, it isn’t a question of capability. Try to sort a time when he can take baby off your hands so you can lie down/have a bath/scream into a pillow.
Keep an eye out for the dread pnd though & speak to your gp or HV

OP, you are exhausted. Be kind to yourself.

When my DD was about 2 months old, I had a day where she hadn't slept all night, and as soon as i took her off the boob, she screamed nonstop. I ended up lying her gently on the bed, sinking onto the floor, and sobbing, "what do you WANT from me???"

It will pass. Your baby won't remember it at all. You just need a bit more sleep!

DD1 16+ (she's currently 18)
DD2 all OK so far (she's currently 13)

But we adopted so didn't do the 0-2 with either of them. I would have found lack of sleep very hard.

Worst time was 13 to 18, both with my son and my stepchildren, they were awful and a lot of eye rolling and tongue biting was involved. Thankfully they're out the other side now. Parents of teenagers have my utmost sympathy.

You slapped yourself, not your baby, so that’s a good thing
Sleep deprivation is a killer- I’m on month 16 of it! Your DH definitely needs to be more supportive and less judgemental- he’s probably struggling with it too tbf. I’ve been there with the shouting, I found it helpful to repeat a mantra to get you through the anger phases- mine is ‘soft, gentle, always with love’

I'd say the difficult changes as they get older. For me, now she's twenty, and in hindsight, I'd say the mid teenage years, 15/16 when they want to go out and do shit you don't want them to do were the hardest.

When they are younger it's a different type of difficult.when they are older it becomes more of a mind struggle when dealing with a stroppy determined teen.

Honesty if my partner had told our baby to shut up and slapped himself round the face I would be very concerned so I can see where you oh is coming from. Personally I haven't found the baby stag difficult. I've heard teens are the worst but mine are still young so who knows.

Every stage has different difficulties. Difficult phases end and then new ones arise. I think the early years are more physically demanding and then it becomes emotionally harder as your children's problems are no longer solved by cuddles and milk.

I found all of it hard but for different reasons at each stage! Probably the hardest was when my second was a baby and the older one was 4-5 years old. Baby cried constantly (never got to the bottom of why, but it improved at around 10 months) I had PND, the older one played up constantly for attention, and DH worked away a lot. I coped with it by constantly going out to every baby group/activity I could find, just so I could be around other people.

DD1 - First 6 weeks (largely due to us being neurotic new parents), but fine after that. Looking back she was quite a good baby, we were just rubbish, and did all the wrong things.

DS1 - First 4 months. Would only breast-feed, could only go an hour without feeding day and night, I couldn't help DW at all (other than be awake too, which helped neither of us). Around 4 months we had both reached the end of our tethers, and tried him on solid food (despite all the crap about having to wait until 6 months at least). Completely different baby from that point. Oh, and he was really ill at around 2 weeks, spending a week in hospital with a feeding tube, which wasn't great.

DS3 - He's been fine. I always found the first 6-8 weeks difficult, same reasons as people above have mentioned - when a baby can only respond with crying/upset, I struggled (I know this is normal). As soon as they start smiling and making happier noises, it completely changed things for me.

Was always fine with toddlers/terrible twos, and now with 2 teenagers - yes they're often stroppy and irritable, but when they're not we have a great time. Just need to pick your battles more carefully.

He is usually kind and supportive. Last night when he had a go he said something along the lines of 'ffs he is a baby, he doesn't respond to you saying 'shut up'

At the moment, I give him a feed for a good hour from 8.15 and then DH takes him to wind him and put him to bed while I go up and get into bed myself (we have a next to me crib) I do all the night feeds and then DH gets up at 6am and has him for 2 hours before he goes to work while I sleep. He does pull his weight but I am starting to resent him being able to sit there after we have both gone to bed, have a beer and unwind, got to bed at 11ish and still sleep for 7 hours. When I tried to explain to him last night I was tired, his response was 'well so am I but I don't react like this'
We tried a bottle of expressed milk months ago but Ds wasn't into it. We haven't tried again since.

He also used to nap for a good 2 hours in his crib each day and I could sleep too. He won t anymore and just cries when I put him down. I am tired and bloody hungry but can't get up!!! Sorry I am rambling- feeling isolated today.

The first stage when they're 24/7 demanding and have to be watched and waited on then it got better. Having said that I think it's about to get a whole lot worse with the teenage years with the fighting for independence, and the worry of who they're with, what they'll get into, then the whole future studies, career, not to mention the ever increasing cost! He eats for a family of 6 now!!

Of course you're capable... you're just bloody well exhausted. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture you know.

I can tell you know that you're not the only one to have ever used the words "shut up" to your baby. I certainly have when suffering sleep depravation. One shameful night I yelled it at dd and stormed out of her room in tears and didn't go back for 15 minutes...she still seems to be a perfectly normal 12 year old.

You are normal... it gets better, the day will come when you wake up and worry why you've got to sleep all night. Your DH needs to take turns getting up not sleeping in the blooming spare room.

I feel you op. I really struggled initially. Definitely the hardest stage for me. As teens they were an absolute breeze.

Its fucking hard.

The husband of one of my friends aimed up the difference between mothers and fathers thus:

A mother looks at a baby crying and wonders 'what's wrong with me' and feels like they are failing.

A father like at a baby crying and wonders 'what's wrong with you?' and doesn't feel like they are to blame.

Parenthood isn't easy. Some find some aspects easier than others, but it's sure as dammit both the hardest and the most rewarding thing I've done.

You'll be fine. Be kind to yourself.

Dm of many here - I currently have a toddler, 2 pre teen dd's, 2 actual teens.

But the hardest stage atm is the adult dc who have left and are having relationship difficulties!! Trying to be there but keep neb out and trying not to be angry with the exes. Wanting to move them back in is so they can be comforted 24/7 but knowing that you have to let them live their own lives and get through it in their own way is TOUGH!
WISH I LIKED !!