To ask which phase of your DCs upbringing did you find hardest?

[ethelfleda]

Was it New born stage? Toddler stage or maybe teenage years? And why?

Our DS (1st child) is 4 months and has hit sleep regression and I am finding it tough. I keep thinking "it'll be ok when this phase passes... it will get easier" but what if I am wrong? I adore my son but I am desperate for sleep.

He is EBF and last night I hit a low. About 2am he still wouldn't settle... I didn't know what to do. I said 'shut up' to him a few times under my breath and slapped myself around the face. I don't know why - I think I was frustrated and sleep deprived. Didn't realise DH (who sleeps in spare room) heard me say what I said and saw me do what I did over the video monitor. He came and took DS from me and got angry with me and I said he thinks I am 'not capable'

I didn't know what to do other than just weep!! I am so bloody angry at myself for telling a poor defenceless baby to 'shut up' when he just needed a cuddle. I feel like the crappest mother ever to be honest and I just feel like I need a rough point to 'look forward to' when I can believe that this may be easier than it is now.

From about 3 months to 14 months. That was when she stopped sleeping, and when she started sleeping again. She did have a horrible dairy allergy that went undiagnosed until I cried in front of the GP, but by that point her bad sleep was a habit we couldn't seem to break. Then we did some gentle sleep training and within three days life was 100% better. Now she's very nearly 4 and has developed a bit of an attitude, but at least she sleeps. Everything else I can deal with!

And I told her to shut up many times. Many, many times in those awful early hours when she just wouldn't sleep. She doesn't remember, and we're the best of friends now.

Your baby didn't understand what you said, you did nothing to him. Presumably you are incredibly sleep deprived, and people who haven't been though long term sleep depression (including many parents - a few brief wakings per night for a few weeks are not the same as a baby/child who only lets you sleep for 45 minutes a couple of times per night) don't understand, but think they do.

This is why I feel angry when parents of teens or adults jump into threads where people are struggling with babies and say "just you wait, babies are easy". What kind of sadistic sociopath does that?

My 3rd did extreme non sleeping. I barely recognise the person it turned me into and it was far harder than infuriating nearly teens or the "why" phase or potty training.

Sleep deprivation is the hardest, but not everyone really experiences hard core sleep deprivation - my older two had their moments but my third put how easy they were into perspective!

Hi OP ! Newborn was definitely the hardest for me ! I really struggled with the lack of sleep and my DS was a terrible sleeper until he was about 2 . I don't mean to scare you but I wish I had a crystal ball to see that it would just get better with time. Instead I blamed myself , tried everything under the sun that everybody else was doing but did not work for us ( so that made be feel even more of a failure ! )
Relax , it may be a long time until your child sleeps through , so stop thinking ''oh when he's xx months it will all be ok '' - that's what i did and felt incredibly let down when it didn't happen .
I wish I had spent more time scheduling naps for myself and roping in extra help from DP , parents and in laws instead of feeling guilty !
The toddler years are amazing and my DS is now 4 and starting school in september - believe it or not I am missing him being tiny .

OP congratulations on your baby and you will be fine

Your DH has NO IDEA how tired you are and really needs to be more supportive and less judgemental.

I am feeling a little cross on your behalf, your behaviour was nothing to what I have muttered under my breath when parenting a newborn.

I think you need some actual proper help from your DH. At the weekend I used to get mine to take the baby out of the house after an early feed and stay out for as long as possible whilst I got a few hours. I used to sleep like the dead as I knew I wouldn't be woken as the baby was with his dad.

Definitely the teenage years. Two daughters. One got involved with a really dodgy fella from Jamaica. Really low point was when one of my DD's slammed the front door so hard all of the stained glass shattered and fell out. They've turned out really, really well.

Very much disliked my DC until they were 4 years old and 6 years old, that seemed to be the age they became nice to be around :)

They are now 5 and 7 and I love them very much!!! It was worth all the hard work!

Your husband is being a dick. He should be supporting you and loving you, not telling you that you are incapable.

Sometimes babies need to be told to shut up. I’ve told mine before. Didn’t work but I felt a bit better.

If he was spying on you, why was he not up offering to help instead of waiting for you to break?

Exactly what Humphrey said. My son is about to turn 6, so I have aeons of new parenting challenges to come, but so far, everything has been a breeze compared to the small baby stage you are at now. Sympathy to you, OP. Honestly, it gets better. At the stage you are at now, I was googling adoption services, because I genuinely thought I'd made a horrific mistake and that my baby deserved someone who loved him. Turns out I did love him, I was just too exhausted to notice.

Aw op 4 months to 7 months was the worst stage of parenting and Im six years in now!! Nothing...No thing...is worse than breastfeeding and sleep deprivation.

I promise you 100 per cent within a few months your baby will settle more at night.

Your husband is not helping. Can u arrange for him yo take over at 5am? Start giving a bottle at 11pm or 5am so you get a block of sleep?

Teen years were certainly hardest with middle dd , age 13-17 and dh could hardly talk to her without an argument ensuing , she'd lie about where she was going and was drinking underage
She's 21 now and at uni and a delight and hardly drinks at all now...more interested in mountain sports
Dd1 when she was aged 6-9 before getting any help with her dyslexia, she felt so behind her peers at school. Eventually got help for her and moved schools...she got 4 A levels, despite SENCO at first secondary school saying she'd be lucky to get any GCSEs...she's got an MA and MSc now
Ds is youngest in family and has always been pretty easy going ....although getting him motivated in A levels was an issue, he's now at Uni and having a great time

I can only speak for the first few years - my eldest in almost 4 and twins are almost 1.

The first few months. Easily. So far anyway.

I’ve found the toddler stage a breeze with the one we’ve had so far. But those early months of sleep deprivation and stress and life change? Hellish. Hellish.

"Shut up" was one of the milder things I muttered in the early days...

The first year is heinous.

I found 0-3 months the hardest. I was struggling with ptsd from the birth and my baby suffered from colic and reflux and all he did was scream all day. He got much better at 3 months and better again at 6 months. He is now 9 months and the happiest, sunniest little boy. I remember crying to my husband when ds was about 8 weeks that he had no quality of life as he was miserable all the time and I felt like a failure as a mum. The stage you are in now is so tough but it really does get so much easier.

Your dh doesn’t sound like he’s being supportive at all. I must have told my ds to shut up so many times when he was small. Sleep deprivation combined with a baby that won’t shut up is stressful and he needs to help you, not make you feel bad. I get that he can’t help feeding if you are ebf but does he have to sleep in the spare room? It’s not fair that it’s all on you all the time. I would try a bottle of expressed milk again if possible. If your baby manages to take it you will be able to get some more sleep if dh can do a feed and it makes a world of difference to how you feel the following day. Hang in there. It will get much better than this

Between 0 and 6 months was hell. Then terrible twos hit and then threenager. She's six now and still very hard going

teething 5months to about 16 months was hardest for me. DD is now 21 and has always been a delight and pretty easy apart from teething stage

Watching with interest with a 3 year old and 21 month old....! Still mega hard. The first year with 2 was truly terrifying though i must say. Toddlers don’t mix with sleep deprivation from having a newborn!

My current issue is that 3 year old won’t leave the younger one alone so it’s impossivle to turn your back on them for one second so I can’t get a thing done.

First year of my firsts life. Miserable, tiring, soul destroying stuff. Felt like a failure.
Hang in there, it gets easier. My second was a breeze in comparison too, once I realised my perception of parenthood was based on other people’s tips and tricks and whatever... so I ignored it all, and life was easier.

I have 3 , ranging from 4 months to 17 years. The hardest parts for me are the first 6 months and the teenage years.

The first six months because you're on duty 24 hours and teen years because it's a bloody minefield! Hormones , their first big set of life decisions and just not knowing how to support them properly most of the time. Boundaries constantly being pushed ect...just kidding etc

Your DH is getting an easy ride at the moment and has not one clue about how exhausted you are feeling. You are definitely not the first person to tell their baby to shut up in the middle of a long night so please don't feel like a failure. I get that EBF does limit what he can do but think the suggestion of taking the baby out for a few hours on a weekend morning is a good one. Equally, there is no reason why he can't take the baby and rock him to sleep after you've fed him in the night. I used to wake DH to do this if I was desperate, although I am an owl and he's a lark so I did find it helpful when he took the baby from 6 and I got a couple of hours then (this was with our second and third children and we had a deal that I mainly saw to the baby in the night and he dealt with any toddler wakings plus took all of them downstairs from 6 and brought me up a cup of tea when he left for work at 8.30)

My youngest was EBF and it did get a bit easier once she was on solids as DH or my mum could have her for a while and give her some food and a bit of drink from a cup so she wasn't quite so dependent on it being me all the time.

I always say I found the stage between walking and starting school the hardest as I found the constant mental demands and supervision of them getting into everything very draining but your post has reminded me of how hard the non sleeping stage is

For me the toughest time is from 1-3 years. When they start walking it's a nightmare and that's when you really do need eyes in the back of your head. My youngest is a 2 and half year old toddler and is into anything and everything. Mix in epic tantrums, demands and random acts of vandalism around my once beautiful home I cannot wait for all this shit to be distant memory's.Roll on a few more months and I no (hope) that i will be behind the worst.

Last night was out of character for DH to be fair. He is usually very supportive.
I have a major guilty conscience over the smallest things which doesn't help. My thinking was that at least if one of us isn't sleep deprived, they can prop up the other one!

First few weeks, when you're still recovering from birth and they do pretty much fuck all other than eat, sleep and shit. Toddlers generally, in particular being pregnant when I had a toddler and having a newborn alongside a toddler.

However, mine didn't do the 4 month sleep regression. One was sleeping through by then. FF which probably makes a difference, I might well feel as you did if they were sleep abstaining and EBF! Be kind to yourself. And have words with your DH. He's sleeping in the spare room, and you're on your knees with exhaustion- why, exactly? Does he drive or perform surgery or control air traffic for a living? He can't feed but he can still do some of the settling.

I think that definition would make me a bloke peerie...

For me the first 9 months was like torture because of sleep deprivation.

To be fair to your H it was the middle of the night for him, too. One thing DH & I realised after our first was that we really needed to be as kind as possible to each other and ourselves because getting crosswith each other made everything worse.

Of course, though, he was wrong to tell you off and OP's husband, if you're listening, show me a parent who has never EVER told their kid to shut up at any point and I'll show you a liar or someone who abandoned their kid at birth!

Could you afford help OP? Even a couple of weeks with a maternity nurse would give you a chance to recharge your batteries, and she could help you ease into a new routine. I know you're EBF at the moment but if you can express enough a maternity nurse should be able to get him to take a bottle from her.