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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if any of these are red flags?

62 replies

Beautyandlowselfesteem · 04/03/2018 23:53

First date with someone went well. We originally met when both drunk and I found out from him his last relationship ended around 5 months ago because she cheated :(

We have been messing since and there has been some flirty banter. He mentioned a couple of things which got my spidey sense tingling: I mentioned I was wfh the day after our first date and he replied “ah we’ve got this all wrong! Should have both worked from home today! That should be the plan for next time!”

(Btw we haven’t slept together yet and I don’t intend to for a little while... he has invited me to a restaurant near his house for next time but I will go home after (school night)!)

He has also started referring to our impending second date (he’s going to take me out to dinner) as a third date... given it’s our third meeting. Obviously third date has connotations though which again makes me feel a bit like he’s after just sex?

Irl he was funny and sweet, and quite romantic eg a few times he brought things up indicating he saw us as having a future together.

We were chatting today and he said he was looking at places to take me on our next date (already scheduled); when I said I was looking forward to it, he replied “yeah me too. Seems pretty far away though!”

Is he being nice/rebounding/just after sex?! I’m fairly inexperienced and quite cynical. Would appreciate any advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 04/03/2018 23:54

Messing = messaging!!

Also my username is a Peep Show quote for those wondering - definitely not a self descriptor!!!

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 04/03/2018 23:58

Can't see any red flags...

SimplyJaded · 04/03/2018 23:59

I don't see anything wrong with the things you mention - the WFH comment, the third date mention or the far away comment. I'm really struggling to see any issue with that and think you are way overthinking.

However: indicating he saw us as having a future together - after the second date? Mmm, this would have me running for the hills, over eager much.

Booboostwo · 05/03/2018 00:01

I can't see why anything he said has anything to do with sex but maybe I am missing something. Either way why not take the guess work out of it? Why don't you tell him your wishes on when you might consider having sex and see if they coincide with his? Adults can discuss these things and if you find out that you have completely different ideas on this it's better to know sooner rather than later.

PostcodeJack · 05/03/2018 00:02

When is your next date scheduled? Perhaps he's just saying he'd like to see you sooner? 3rd dates don't necessarily equal sex. If he tries to shag you "because it's our third date" then off you fuck and find someone who's not a dick.

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 00:06

Re indicating he saw us having a future, I don’t mean anything massive! Just stuff like “we should go there” when talking about nice restaurants etc, or offering to give me tips on a holiday I’m going on in April. Was quite sweet. Suggested he doesn’t see it as a one date thing and was having a nice time. He said a cute comment about how he hoped we would look back on the date one day and find it funny (we went to a really cheap pub, my choice, and he seemed quite shocked/happy that I hadn’t picked a more obvious, fancier venue).

OP posts:
DinahMo · 05/03/2018 00:07

Well, first off, if he’s being nice it’s a good thing! And it’s ok for him to want to have sex with you, that’s what people do when they fancy each other :-) as long as there isn’t pressure or coercion and he respects if you decline an invite back to his (for example) then I really can’t see a problem with anything you’ve posted about.

RemainOptimistic · 05/03/2018 00:08

If he initiates sex and you don't want to for whatever reason you can say no y'know Hmm or was that not the point of your post?

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 00:13

Yes of course, I do know that. I’m just not sure if he’s chalked me up as easy pickings for sex or if he wants something serious or what! Keep hearing from others that men who “really respect” you won’t try it on for a while...

OP posts:
Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 00:20

How do I reply to the far away comment?!

OP posts:
allforequality · 05/03/2018 00:31

No red flags at all, he sounds great. You sound very wary & like you may be overthinking it all? Five months is a perfectly fine amount of time to be dating again after a break up (unless it was a 20 year marriage with kids?).

I think whomever told you that thing about men who respect you not trying it on for a while is either very old fashioned (because I’m sure that was true in high society in the 1950’s!), inexperienced or your Mum!?

Of course no man should make unwanted advances and should always respect your wishes if you aren’t interested or want to wait. But it is totally normal to fancy someone and make that clear - otherwise you are just friends. If no flirting or kissing or suggestion of attraction had happened by the end of the next date I would assume that he wasn’t interested or was very shy.

Obviously this doesn’t apply if either of you are under the age of consent - but am presuming from the mention of drinking & pubs you aren’t!? How old are you both?

allforequality · 05/03/2018 00:32

When is the date that seems far away?

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 00:41

Date that seems far away is Friday :)

We have kissed a lot! And flirted etc. Have only known each other a week though.

He is 30 and very experienced, I am 25 and not!! He doesn’t know this though. Worried all his coupley wfh talk when we have only known each other a week is him trying to replace an ex-shaped hole in his life?! Who knows! He is very very confident which I like but just not sure what his intentions are!

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 05/03/2018 01:24

Hmm. The restaurant near his house - seems like it could be a 'shall we have coffee back at mine?' opportunity. Was there a particular reason for choosing it?

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 05:38

No! He liked it and wants me to see the area - I agreee though, it has that written all over it! Bad sign?

OP posts:
Minestheoneinthegreen · 05/03/2018 06:05

I think you are massively over thinking! He seems nice, appears very into you, is looking forward to seeing you again. If he turns into perv man on Friday, jump in a cab and go home. But look forward to the date, he seems like a nice bloke from what you wrote.

laurzj82 · 05/03/2018 06:10

I think you are over thinking this OP

WillowWept · 05/03/2018 06:18

Definitely overthinking. He sounds nice.

PringlesPirate · 05/03/2018 06:21

You are overthinking this OP.

AllStar14 · 05/03/2018 06:26

He sounds really lovely. Just try to stop overthinking, relax and enjoy your date(s)

hodgeheg92 · 05/03/2018 06:36

The men who really respect you won't try it for a while is bullsh-t.

At that point you'd be wondering if he actually did fancy you!

TheFifthKey · 05/03/2018 06:46

I don’t think it’s a bad sign that’s he’s chosen a venue that would make sex possible should you both decide to go for it - of course it’s in his mind! Ridiculous to think it isn’t in the mind of any 30 year old man on any date after the first (or even the first). If he asks you back to his and oh don’t want to, don’t go! It’s not a red flag that he might try to engineer it a bit. I’ve done it myself! It’s part of the dating game.

heebiejeebie · 05/03/2018 06:46

It's perfectly normal for someone you are dating to want to have sex with you. It doesn't make him a depraved monster or a user.

KC225 · 05/03/2018 06:49

Ohhhh seems all pretty standard from what I remember. Miss all that 'what does it really mean' flirty stuff ...... I've been married too long

Dipitydoda · 05/03/2018 06:57

Sounds lovely but you’ve met him a couple of times? Tbh I’d just chill out and see where it goes. He sounds like he really likes you

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