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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if any of these are red flags?

62 replies

Beautyandlowselfesteem · 04/03/2018 23:53

First date with someone went well. We originally met when both drunk and I found out from him his last relationship ended around 5 months ago because she cheated :(

We have been messing since and there has been some flirty banter. He mentioned a couple of things which got my spidey sense tingling: I mentioned I was wfh the day after our first date and he replied “ah we’ve got this all wrong! Should have both worked from home today! That should be the plan for next time!”

(Btw we haven’t slept together yet and I don’t intend to for a little while... he has invited me to a restaurant near his house for next time but I will go home after (school night)!)

He has also started referring to our impending second date (he’s going to take me out to dinner) as a third date... given it’s our third meeting. Obviously third date has connotations though which again makes me feel a bit like he’s after just sex?

Irl he was funny and sweet, and quite romantic eg a few times he brought things up indicating he saw us as having a future together.

We were chatting today and he said he was looking at places to take me on our next date (already scheduled); when I said I was looking forward to it, he replied “yeah me too. Seems pretty far away though!”

Is he being nice/rebounding/just after sex?! I’m fairly inexperienced and quite cynical. Would appreciate any advice

OP posts:
Onedaynamechange · 05/03/2018 07:03

It seems like you’re over analysing everything he says! Clearly he likes you as he’s anticipating further dates, just go with the flow and stop putting him under a microscope.

chocolateiamydrug · 05/03/2018 07:09

he sounds lovely. I dont see any red flags.

And many people have sex early on in dating. Doesn't mean they are just after a shag. But if you are not up for it, you can just say if no Wink

Ryder63 · 05/03/2018 07:10

Just be sure not to drink too much, and have taxi fare home in case you feel uneasy for whatever reason!

Hope your date goes well Smile

NorthernKnickers · 05/03/2018 07:33

Just say no when/if he asks you back for coffee on Friday (which I'm sure he will!). If you want an excuse to hand, practise saying (until you're very very confident and don't get flustered...I know because I've been there!) - 'let's save that for when we know where this is going. I'll call you when I get home though. Thanks for a lovely evening.' And no lingering! Lingering at that point is fatal...not saying this guy will try it, but many do try to persuade and cajole at this point and things can turn weird 😩

And pay half the bill...I know there's always threads on here about this, but I always feel so much better in these situations when there is no 'bill awkwardness' at the end.

Enjoy your date x

Whatshallidonowpeople · 05/03/2018 07:37

Are you making him pay for everything? Just a few of your comments make it appear that way.

icelollycraving · 05/03/2018 07:53

He sounds like a normal man who has met someone he fancies.

TheNaze73 · 05/03/2018 08:01

I think you’re over reacting OP. I’d be more concerned if someone who I’d started to date didn’t want to sleep with me.

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 09:02

No I’m definitely not making him pay for everything! We went to a really cheap pub and got rounds (he got two to my one) but kept saying he wanted to treat me - me paying was more of a token gesture which I was happy to do. I’m totally down for going halves on dates but he mentioned a few times how he doesn’t mind/likes paying at the beginning and that things even out further down the line re splitting bills etc. We agreed on dinner and I made a bet that the person who next xyz (something silly we did on the date - at that point it was looking like it was me!) should pay. He ended up being the one to win the bet so has said dinner will be his treat. But I will obviously offer to go halves

OP posts:
Niceandwarmandhot · 05/03/2018 09:06

OP, if he hasn't sent you an unwanted dick pic by this stage, you're doing a lot better than me and many of my friends managed by the second date with men we met online!!

Honestly don't overthink it - maybe ask yourself why you're so busy looking for red flags. Is it because you're not that keen? Is it because you're scared you might like him? Etc.

Sure you need to keep your eyes open, but until he does something that is really off putting, don't worry too much. Just enjoy the dates for what they are. If it works out, one you'll miss this romantic time at the beginning, and if it doesn't, well, at least you had some nice evenings out!

Good luck :)))

Niceandwarmandhot · 05/03/2018 09:07

God, my grammar has done a runner Blush

"Better than many of my friends and I managed..."

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 09:11

We didn’t meet online - I (cringe) drunkenly approached him in real life 😂 We have only had one date though and it was super romantic and really good! Have had a few bad experiences though and I guess I am jaded by those!

OP posts:
Lalliella · 05/03/2018 09:12

OP I think you’re overthinking this. He sounds nice, keen on you, fancies you and is looking forward to seeing you. They all sound like good signs. Tell him you want to take things slowly, you’ll find out a lot from his reaction.

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 09:16

How/when do I say that?? Struggling to know how it wouldn’t seem artificial

OP posts:
Niceandwarmandhot · 05/03/2018 09:20

Ah there's your answer, I think - you may be trying to pre-empt getting a bit burned again. Don't let previous twits spoil it!!

You don't need to raise the taking it slow unless he asks you back to his or similar. Just go with the flow. If he does suggest it, you can smile and say, "not tonight Josephine but soon" (well ok do NOT use that exact phrase, but you know what I mean!). So you're showing him you're interested without having to sleep with him before you feel ready.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 05/03/2018 09:25

OP, you don’t need to get involved in game playing of second guessing whether he wants to have sex with you or not and trying to guess if he’s signaling that or not. You’re dating so he probably wants to have sex with you at some point. You don’t have to do that until you’re good and ready regardless of whether he takes you to a restaurant near his house or you are on your third or fifty third date. Just enjoy it. And if you don’t want to take anything further on any given night just order a taxi, thank him for a lovely evening and tell him you’re looking forwards to seeing him again.

If he’s a nice guy he will be fine with that. If he’s not then you know you’ve dodged a bullet and won’t see him again. It’s pretty simple. If he makes you feel under pressure then just walk away.

ghostyslovesheets · 05/03/2018 09:29

op - in the nicest way possible I think you are obsessing about this way too much - that would be a red flag for me!

is this the 2nd or 3rd thread about this bloke!

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 09:30

I’m obsessing on here so I can be chilled and calm in real life! 😂

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 05/03/2018 09:32

lol - just go with the flow and stop analysing him to death!

LittleLionMansMummy · 05/03/2018 09:37

I too think you're over thinking it op. He sounds great.

Also, I had no idea that third date has sexual connotations...Confused

Verbena37 · 05/03/2018 09:46

I’m not sure I’d say his ex leaving him 5 months ago is ‘rebound’. 5 weeks yes. But it’s been almost half a year! I’d say he is just ready to move on.

If he suggests going back to his after restaurant date near where he lives, keep it light and jokey and decline but then if you like him, mention that it would be an option next time or something.

If he seems pissed off, run for the hills but if you want to go back after restaurant, go back.

OuaisMaisBon · 05/03/2018 09:46

"OP, if he hasn't sent you an unwanted dick pic by this stage, you're doing a lot better than many of my friends and I managed by the second date with men we met online!!"

Cracking up at Niceandwarmandhot's comment ^^! Nothing helpful to add as mobile phones and social media didn't exist when I last went on dates, we used phone boxes and postcards in snail mail!

Original poster
Beautyandlowselfesteem · 05/03/2018 09:47

It’s either three months or five months - can’t remmeber exactly - somewhere in between! Ok that’s good though!!

OP posts:
Niceandwarmandhot · 05/03/2018 09:48

Ha, ouias - it's so true! OP did well to approach him IRL rather than online. Why men think that is attractive is an utter mystery to me.

"Hmmm, let me entice her with a picture of my purple turkey neck, that'll have her over here in a taxi before I can even press "send"" Grin

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/03/2018 09:48

I would say that generally what you've mentioned (with the exception of seeing a future together so early on) are not red flags.
But it could be that you don't feel comfortable with him/are picking up on something 'off' that you can't articulate.
So if you want to call it a day then do so - you don't need a reason to end a relationship. If you want to leave it till after your second date to see if you're compatible then that's fine too.

And if he reacts badly to no sex or you wanting to take it slow then you know he's not right for you.

Niceandwarmandhot · 05/03/2018 09:49

(I'm not dissing OLD as a way to meet people by the way, just saying that in my experience it made things like that a much more frequent occurrence!)