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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH if he discussed rent with his brother

103 replies

Scabetty · 04/03/2018 21:18

I will keep this brief without drip feeding. DH bought his parents’ council house for them in Glasgow back in the 90s. His mother passed away ladt year and before she dued his brother had left his wife and moved back with his mum. His wife and teenager still live in the family home.

DH visited his brother this weekend and said he would raise subject of rent. DH doesn’t want to sell and is happy for brother to stay with a small rent.

He has just returned and I asked if he got a chance to discuss it all. He basically said it is none of my business and he will discuss it when he is ready in a few more months.

So, it is none of my business?

OP posts:
LolitaLempicka · 04/03/2018 22:04

I don’t think it is any of your business. You knew he was paying off his mum’s house when you decided to pool finances. He bought it and can do whatever he likes with it. I also am not sure I could charge a sibling rent on the old family home either, despite the fact that your DH actually owns it. Look at it like a nice retirement fund, you will eventually benefit.

Rosamund1 · 04/03/2018 22:05

Why do people think they can live with paying rent or mortgage? Unless the answer is ‘I’ve already paid it off’, or ‘the accommodation comes with the job’ then you’re a cf. YANBU

Original poster
Scabetty · 04/03/2018 22:08

He didn’t charge his parents’ rent as they were both in ill health. His buying the house was to free them of the worry of rent. He has paid for upkeep over the years they lived there.

OP posts:
TroubledLitchen · 04/03/2018 22:09

This is weird... yes the house belonged to the DH before you were in the picture and consequently I suppose it’s up to him to decide whether he allows his DB to stay there and what, if anything, he charges him in way of rent. The fact that he won’t discuss it is a huge red flag to me though. Does he have form for being controlling with money or not discussing things with you?

ohfortuna · 04/03/2018 22:09

His response was very defensive which tells me he is hiding something or he knows he's in the wrong so he's trying to intimidate you into not enquiring further

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/03/2018 22:10

when you are married, there is NO separate money going on.

In a legal sense, this is true when it comes to divorce. Then, almost everything goes into the pot and is split up. But while you are married, you can still own and have control of assets without your spouse having any legal right to take control of it. Married people have no right to access their spouse's bank account or rearrange their pension fund, etc. Your legal ownership of assets will determine your tax liability, you aren't mushed up together, money wise, in the eyes of HMRC. The law does allow for separate finances for married people.

Shedmicehugh · 04/03/2018 22:10

Maybe he feels under pressure from both his brother and you, wanting different outcomes.

A death in the family can really put strain on all relationships, particularly where a very close relative, so recently and money and emotions are involved.

Maybe give everyone just a little bit of time before further discussion?

LIZS · 04/03/2018 22:10

So it is your dh asset now. Is bil paying all the overheads?

Kikashi · 04/03/2018 22:11

Do you think your DH has told his DB he can stay in the house for free and that is why he won't discuss it?

If your BIl would need HB to pay the rent then that might be a big problem as usually HB is not payable for housing rented by a close relative.

Your Dh should discuss it with you though - whether he knows you will be annoyed or not by the result.

LIZS · 04/03/2018 22:11

So it is your dh asset now. Does he plan to sell it? Is bil paying all the overheads in the meantime?

ohfortuna · 04/03/2018 22:11

Look at it like a nice retirement fund, you will eventually benefit
Or not
The brother will somehow never manage to save up enough to buy his own place and as he gets older he will move in a girlfriend or his children so that you are never able to benefit

MammaTJ · 04/03/2018 22:14

If you wanted to play hardball, you could point out that if you left him, the house his brother lives in would be considered marital assets, so very much part of your business then!

I am not suggesting this for one moment, but I am saying you need to think this as you try to talk to him about it again! It might harden your attitude enough for a proper conversation to happen.

LizzieSiddal · 04/03/2018 22:15

“it is your DHs asset now”

No it isn’t. All assets are joint in a marriage.

Sarawish · 04/03/2018 22:16

Did he discuss buying the house with his brother before going ahead?
Was it their childhood home?

Buying the house in his parents' names would have meant a large discount and subsequent profit. Maybe his brother resents that.

I hate it when children cash in on this loophole and dress it up as concern for their parents.

LIZS · 04/03/2018 22:17

I meant as opposed to his parents or brother.

ohfortuna · 04/03/2018 22:17

He has made some sort of a deal with his brother and he doesn't want to discuss it with you because he knows you won't agree with it and because it's unfair to you

TheHandmaidsTail · 04/03/2018 22:18

So, you DH bought his parents a house, paid for it so they didn't need worry and also sorted out all upkeep.

This is a lovely man!! A lovely man who has lost his parents and doesn't want to upset his brother. If you have never received rent and so you're not physically out of pocket, I'd leave it to your DH to reach a decision about.

TheHandmaidsTail · 04/03/2018 22:20

Intimidating and financially abusive?!??!

Or not wanting to upset anyone and not sure how to do it.

Trinity66 · 04/03/2018 22:20

*So, you DH bought his parents a house, paid for it so they didn't need worry and also sorted out all upkeep.

This is a lovely man!! A lovely man who has lost his parents and doesn't want to upset his brother. If you have never received rent and so you're not physically out of pocket, I'd leave it to your DH to reach a decision about.*

True but why be so rude and defensive about it to his wife though?

Original poster
Scabetty · 04/03/2018 22:21

Bil is paying utilities afaik. He has been there about 12 months and it is 6 months since mil died.

Dh has just mumbled that thought bil would have raised the subject of rent, as they had discussed 6 months rent free to get through winter bills, but bil swerved the subject.

OP posts:
TheHandmaidsTail · 04/03/2018 22:25

In which case perhaps he is hurt by his brother and really not wanting a confrontation. Or he knows his brother will be an arse to get out and is being grumpy with you?

Depends on what his DB is like, if he likes it's DH's asset and he is "lucky" to have it, he might think he;s entitled to stay there rent free? In which case DH should have got something in writing but that's really tricky with a sibling.

I would wait for him to talk to you about it, sounds like he is smarting a bit.

Trinity66 · 04/03/2018 22:27

yeah sounds like its going to be an awkward situation then

LadyLapsang · 04/03/2018 22:30

Was BIL caring for PIL during their final illness? Did BIL and his family spend more time caring for your PIL than your DH / you?

Shedmicehugh · 04/03/2018 22:31

So house is not costing you or your dh anything at present? It’s just not benefiting you either?

You quite rightly want some extra cash for your dd uni fees. All I can say is 6 months isn’t that long to deal with grief. Giving it a few days/weeks to discuss with your dh further isn’t long in the grander scheme of things, given he only got back today.

SpringEquinox · 04/03/2018 22:35

Your DH sounds like a very kind man, helping his parents out in that way and then providing a home for your BIL at a difficult time for him. His parents weren't paying rent before, so it's not an income stream that has suddenly stopped for your household and therefore immediately impacting you.

I do think it's your DH's business to consider how he wants to manage their arrangement and on what time frame - if he wants to give his brother the chance to accumulate some capital and rebuild a post divorce life, then he should have the discretion.