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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are manners just not important anymore?

65 replies

issy196 · 04/03/2018 21:14

This is more of a rant than anything.

I received a random message on LinkedIn about a week ago, from a sixth form student saying she was looking at pursuing an almost identical uni and career path as what I did, could I offer her any advice.

I was in a good mood and her message was very polite and friendly, so I took 20 minutes out of my day to write back and explain basically everything. Told her if she had any further questions to just let me know. Now maybe 20 minutes doesn't sound like a lot, but I have a job, exams, housework and a bunch of other stuff to do. Would much rather have spent that 20 mins slouching on the sofa than answering a random message.

No reply from her. I know she's been online as she's been adding other people that I went to uni with or worked with. AIBU to be pissed that she couldn't even say thank you? Are our children really so rude nowadays?

I'm not expecting a gold star or some kind of award, but a short thank you message might have been nice! Same happens with presents I find, my parents always taught me to write thank you cards or at least say thank you to the person who gave you a present, in person. I gave a Christmas present to a friend's son last year and never heard anything from either of them. Yet I'm sure they wouldn't have been impressed if I decided not to give him a present that year.

Please someone tell me a nice story about the polite young people in the world to give me some hope for the future!

OP posts:
iammargesimpson · 04/03/2018 21:33

I've noticed this too, I work in a primary school and the amount of times I have to prompt children to say please or thank you is incredible. The worst though is when I'm checking something with a teacher and a child will come up and say teacher, teacher, repeatedly while we are talking. drives me mad!
Sorry, I know you were looking for positive stories Grin

SpiceRack · 04/03/2018 22:00

ugh yes out for lunch today and a man held open a door for a woman coming in with a pram and she did not even acknowledge him, no thank you or even a smile and then her husband walked in behind her and looked him up and down and didn't say thank you either. Nobody can say please or thank you anymore it drives me mad

SpiceRack · 04/03/2018 22:01

oh sorry didn't see you were looking for positive stories haha

MinnieMinchkin · 04/03/2018 22:24

I did a similar thing when a friend of a relative was due to move to my area and wanted some local info, advice about which suburbs to consider renting in etc. No response...

Sorry OP.

But actually, most of the local kids I see are perfectly polite in face to face interactions Smile

Original poster
issy196 · 04/03/2018 22:29

Positive or negative stories, go ahead. Nice to hear it's not just me that gets annoyed by this.

It really does my head in though. How difficult is it to say please or thank you?!

Spice, your story reminded me that today I held a door into M&S open for a lady who must have been around 60, no acknowledgment at all. Even just a smile would have been nice, or even for her to look at me and realise that the door wasn't holding itself Angry I shouldn't just be complaining about the kids I suppose.

Agree with you Minnie, there are some lovely kids around. I just haven't bumped into any for far too long!

OP posts:
Ginnotginger · 04/03/2018 22:32

I attended the praise assembly at dgs' school, the first one where he was getting an award (improved writing) and showing off a medal he got from football training. Dgs was the first in Reception to stand up, he was given his certificate and said clearly , thank you Mr H. The Headteacher immediately commented that it was lovely that one of the youngest children in the school had such lovely manners. It made dd and me so proud. To be fair manners are encouraged at the school and all the children I have been in contact with hold doors open for adults and say thank you for holding a door for them etc.
Dd often gets complimented on dgs' manners especially in shops and restuarants. I don't think his manners are exceptional he is just a normal polite little boy but enough people have commented to make me agree with OP that standards must be slipping.

TooManyMiles · 04/03/2018 22:35

YANBU

NotTakenUsername · 04/03/2018 22:36

I find this too. Often it is water off a ducks back, but I have been known on my less zen days to give a very passive aggressive “you’re very welcome,” or similar in reply to their non-existent expression of gratitude.

I made a high school aged child jump once as I yelled “you’re welcome!” out the car window after they did the cool walk and scowl past my bonnet

StillMe1 · 04/03/2018 23:32

I have been noticing things more in the last few weeks. I had a few people who offered and gave me help. I am not visibly disabled. I have had help on a small matter from a tradesperson who refused payment. Having been brought up to say please and thank you I thanked everyone.
I have been involved with some students who wanted to speak to me on a certain subject. They were such a delight to be with. After the meetings I sent a message saying how lovely it had been to meet them all. They responded with a message thanking me for taking the time to speak to them. My eyes were damp!
After some horrible experiences it was lovely to see strangers could be so kind and helpful

StillMe1 · 04/03/2018 23:34

I am also very keen on good table manners. I have noticed the way some people on tv eat is awful. Most people don't seem to be able to use cutlery properly.

DuckBilledAardvark · 04/03/2018 23:40

I’ve never received a thank you card from my grandparents 😎

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/03/2018 23:50

I am afraid I am the sort that says, "no, no, you are quite welcome", really loudly. Nothing wrong with manners.

YoThePussy · 04/03/2018 23:59

I remember as a child forgetting to thank the librarian when I returned my books and being sent back to the counter to do. I never forgot again!

What annoys me is people getting on the bus who use their pass and walk past the driver without acknowledging them. A simple hello is all that is necessary. A thank you called out when you get off doesn’t go amiss either. And when the person in the window seat wants to get off and glares at you instead of saying excuse me or thanks you for moving. I have been known to to say ‘Is thank you not part of your vocabulary’ to them.

LizzieCorday · 05/03/2018 00:11

What annoys me is when people post like this. "this one thing happened with one person so I'm gonna say its absolutely everyone these days". It's so silly.

Original poster
issy196 · 05/03/2018 01:09

I'm the sort that just shakes my head and mutters "you're welcome" under my breath. Would be mortified if anybody heard though!

Gin, he sounds like a lovely boy and you should definitely be proud of him!

Lizzie, I'm not trying to suggest that absolutely nobody has any manners anymore. Just from small observations, not limited to this one encounter, I'm starting to think manners aren't being taught/used so much anymore. Though it could be that this has always been the case, just my parents always taught me otherwise and it's taken me this long to realise that not everyone's parents does the same. I actually asked for positive stories so clearly I don't think it's all gone to crap. Anyway, the post was more of a lighthearted one, mostly just wanted to get it off my chest :)

OP posts:
Original poster
issy196 · 05/03/2018 01:13

Definitely agree about those moving out of window seats, glaring is just rude. A simple thank you really isn't that hard.

OP posts:
splishysplashy · 05/03/2018 01:22

YANBU although I expect my parents probably thought this of my generation too, years ago.
Expect it to get worse, too, as kids get used to requesting things from Siri and Alexa etc without any need for manners. I've read various discussions about how much better it would be if such services didn't do anything without a please in the question.
We need more women in computer science! Or maybe just more MNs!

Coyoacan · 05/03/2018 02:41

Shot me. I am well over sixty and I don't know if I ever wrote a thank you letter in my life.

I do love manners, just thank you letters were never part of my culture, even though I'm from the UK.

Topseyt · 05/03/2018 02:54

I am with Coyoacan,

I like good manners. I do think that this lady should have messaged you a thanks.

However, I always thank people either in person at the time, by phone, text, WhatsApp, FB Messenger etc. as appropriate. I don't send thank you letters or cards, and I am not bothered if I don't receive them so long as what I have done for someone has been acknowledged.

I've never really got this obsession with thank you cards.

RefuseTheLies · 05/03/2018 02:56

I am afraid I am the sort that says, "no, no, you are quite welcome", really loudly. Nothing wrong with manners.

Could you perhaps spare a thought for what might be going on in other people’s lives?

The day after my mum died, I had to go shopping to buy a funeral outfit, and I didn’t notice someone had held a door open for me until they shouted ‘you’re welcome’ at me.

It was upsetting and distressing when I was already very fragile.

Dontoutmenow · 05/03/2018 03:17

Exactly, people should be pulled up on their rudeness, Jamie. I do the same!

RebootYourEngine · 05/03/2018 04:10

I dont write thank you cards. Seem like a waste of money but i always contact the gift giver and say thank you whether it is in person, text message or social media.

Also agree that people are getting ruder, more selfish and lacking in manners.

CaptainBrickbeard · 05/03/2018 06:34

refuse, the same thing happened to DH after his father died - he actually did say thank you but mumbled it and this woman had a (very ill-mannered) go at him. It was really upsetting.

tuttifritti · 05/03/2018 06:43

Ha! Just reminded me of the time a couple of years ago when I held a lift for quite a famous pop star from the 90s who was wheeling along a pram (as was I).

She wheeled in and didn't react at all so I passively aggressively said 'you're welcome!' and she looked a little startled, then smiled and said 'thank you'.

Idontevencareanymore · 05/03/2018 06:51

You're not wrong.
I had an awful, older couple basically barge my dd out of the way just so they could get themselves off the bus faster. She was separated from me by 2 people but I was speaking to her, asking her to move towards the door when they got out of their seats and pushed into the aisle, moving her physically backwards.
Luckily she's polite and stepped out of their way(as I've taught her so she doesn't barge her way through life) but it enraged me.

I'm disgustingly polite though, bad manners just really grates on my nerves.