Or are manners just not important anymore?

[issy196]

This is more of a rant than anything.

I received a random message on LinkedIn about a week ago, from a sixth form student saying she was looking at pursuing an almost identical uni and career path as what I did, could I offer her any advice.

I was in a good mood and her message was very polite and friendly, so I took 20 minutes out of my day to write back and explain basically everything. Told her if she had any further questions to just let me know. Now maybe 20 minutes doesn't sound like a lot, but I have a job, exams, housework and a bunch of other stuff to do. Would much rather have spent that 20 mins slouching on the sofa than answering a random message.

No reply from her. I know she's been online as she's been adding other people that I went to uni with or worked with. AIBU to be pissed that she couldn't even say thank you? Are our children really so rude nowadays?

I'm not expecting a gold star or some kind of award, but a short thank you message might have been nice! Same happens with presents I find, my parents always taught me to write thank you cards or at least say thank you to the person who gave you a present, in person. I gave a Christmas present to a friend's son last year and never heard anything from either of them. Yet I'm sure they wouldn't have been impressed if I decided not to give him a present that year.

Please someone tell me a nice story about the polite young people in the world to give me some hope for the future!

I agree op. Lack of manners does seem to be prevalent. DS gets complimented for the most basic please and thank you's that I wonder how many other kids actually don't bother!

But it's so noticeable in older people too, like barging you out of the way to get on a bus. No wonder manners are disappearing if there's no one modelling them.

And I send thankyou cards for all presents, unless DS has thanked them in person. I do find it rude that I get no acknowledgement from DHs nephews and niece for Christmas and birthdays.

I used to work in a nursery attached to a private school. There was one teacher who was in her late 40's who never said thank you if I held the door open for her. I saw her once about at a child for not saying thank you when she held the door open for them. She said that he was rude and disrespectful and should know that manners are essential to every day life.

The next day she was walking down the corridor behind me and I held the door for her and got no thank you. So I stopped her and said "Excuse me, I've just held the door open for you like I have done many times before and you didn't say thank you. I find that rude and disrespectful and I would have thought you should know that manners are essential to every day life." She glared at me and then said "I'm sorry I didn't see you there. Thank you." I replied "You are most welcome, but I'm concerned that you may need an eye test as you could clearly see the door but not the person holding it open."

I was only 20 and had recently been on an assertiveness course! Felt dead proud of myself after that!

My kids are ridiculously shy and find it very hard to say anything to someone they don't know,even please or thank you. They do give a grateful smile if they can't manage it though, and we model good behaviour by having good manners ourselves.

However they do have lovely manners, they hold doors, wait for people to pass, use cutlery properly etc. I'm very proud of them and they'll get there.

I am the type to do the PA "you're welcome", but I try not to do that in front of the kids because it doesn't demonstrate much grace.

Refuse and captain. With a little observation and knowledge of body language, you can tell the difference between someone totally distracted and someone who is just being rude. I do pick my moments.

DS and I were in a museum yesterday and stopped at the restaurant for a snack and drink. It was a self-service place, so I was wandering around with a full tray trying to find a seat. I spotted one and called DS (age 3) to follow me and a family barged past us (they hadn't got their meals yet so were quicker) and grabbed the seats and the father (?) said "Ha ha!" to me .

Credit where it's due, the little girl with them, about aged 10, was embarrassed and said we could share the table!

(We didn't, we got another because someone who saw what happened gestured us over and asked us to share with them. So kind)

I hate bad manners.But as OP said it's not a case of wanting effusive praise for helping someone out .Just a thank you and an acknowledgement if you have gone out of your way to help.DH dropped everything to spend the whole day sat up at hospital with a friend of ours who had an accident.She had initially rang me,but I'd popped out without my phone so she called him.We didn't expect anything amazing,initially she was in pain and shaken.But weeks later talking to her she said as a sort of aside it was good of my DH to help her that day.Not a call or text, and if that had been me a card at the very least would have been sent when I was fit to do so.Pretty quickly in her case.Ito confirmed an oppinion of her I was already forming.No manners.

I've reached the age where I say "you're welcome!" very loudly to people who don't say thank you to me when I hold open doors etc.

It's so passive aggressive but extremely satisfying

Some people see manners as a weakness. If I was tactful, polite, to MIL when she invited herself to my house at an inconvenient time ("Oh, it's not really convenient because I've got a report to finish for tomorrow...") she would ignore me and turn up anyway. However, when I got mad and told her it was rude to just turn up after I'd asked her not to, she took notice!

For some, politeness is an invitation to be walked on.

Interesting to read these replies, honestly I never thought about it from the point of view that you mentioned, refuse. I think that sometimes you can tell people are just being rude, but will try to be more considerate before passing judgement on everyone.

Thank you cards might just be something that my mum was keen on! I do always love receiving a handwritten card or note, makes me think that the sender has put a lot of effort into showing how appreciative they are. That said, I would never criticise someone for sending a text, just anything to show a little bit of gratitude might be nice!

Some of these stories are truly terrible, I can't imagine not saying thank you to anyone who waited in hospital with me all day! That deserves a whole load of gratitude.

And a grown adult barging past going "haha"?! That's something I wouldn't even expect children to do, poor kids if they have parents like that.

We write "thank you" cards to every one of DP's massive family for every gift the DC's get. Just sayin' I also say "please/thank you" to random strangers compulsively, like it was going out of fashion. Again...just sayin' .

However, on a personal level, I'm a cantankerous, moody, foul-mouthed bitch. Seriously: I am truly, truly horrible.

I actually hate myself a lot of the time. Again...just sayin'

Like [the dog smells] I had a very shy child. We found that instilling and practicing good manners actually helped as she had something to fall back on. eg when walking into a crowded room she could just say "good afternoon everybody" and then go and sit in a corner until she was ready to talk to people. Same with people making conversation with her - "How are you" could have the automatic reply "I'm very well thank you how are you?" and a compliment could always have an automatic thank you. It became so automatic she even thanked the practice nurse after her injections - many years later whenever the nurse sees her she always calls her the little girl who said thank you....
She's now an articulate teenager who is able to hold a conversation with pretty well anyone but manners got her over the awkward years.

I don't see too much, except perhaps on buses, where it's often young and evidently perfectly mobile people who plonk themselves in disabled/elderly seats, with their bag plonked beside them, and then pretend to be too engrossed in their phones to see the frail old person with a stick who just got on.

Glad to say dd and SiL are very hot on please and thank you with their two.

Worst example personally was when I responded to a plea from someone I don't even know all that well, whose daughter (who I knew not at all) needed cash help for some training she was dying to do.

I sent £100, and had not a word of direct thanks, though was told she'd put a mass thank you on FB. So good of her - hollow laugh - to take half a minute for that!!

"It became so automatic she even thanked the practice nurse after her injections" oh bless londonmummy!

DS (age 3) thanked the hairdresser in Trotters with each snip ("thank you, thank you, thank you!") until we informed him he could just say thank you at the end!

frasier how sweet- sadly she had a real thing about having her hair cut and used to fling herself out of the chair - ended up just letting it grow until she could sit on it - some battles you just can't win....

I’ve never received a thank you card from my grandparents 😎

My parents write to us after Christmas and birthdays to say thank you. They also write individually to the children to say thank you, which is nice. I feel like my poor kids spend the whole of December and January writing thank you letters. DD birthday in Dec, then Christmas, the DS birthday in January - very poor planning (or lack thereof).

We encourage force them to do three a night until they're done. To be fair they are so quick to do.

They also say please and thank you generally without being prompted, I think actually only because they are fed up with the embarrassment of me saying "what do you SAY?" in mock horror at them and once ingrained it become habit.

A lady dropping stuff off at our local charity shop added a loud 'please' when ordered by the older (not just young people, Waitrose is stuffed full of pig ignorant geriatrics 7 days a week) shop worker to leave it by the door. I silently applauded her as i'm a stickler for manners. Most of the children and teens are very polite where i live, wait to let you past, always a please or thankyou etc.

I haven't noticed a slipping of politeness at all, certainly not from children. Most of the teenagers I know are ridiculously polite, as are mine (albeit hormonal little bastards at times too). Manners are an expected part of my house and I always comment to my children when they are very polite, or remind them when they forget their manners. I always text parents too to let them know how polite and helpful their children have been.

Some people are just self-centred and I suspect that will always be the case.

That's an interesting point. Perhaps the Instagram, self centered, generation means that manners are not being not taught or forgotten, but that people don't feel the need to thank people in the first place.

I've noticed about 50% of DD's friends have zero manners & never say please or thank you when they're at our house. We've drilled please/thank you/holding doors etc into DD since she was tiny & she only forgets maybe 1/10 times.
I worked in Mac Donald's in my youth, I was tempted to ask people for the magic word when they ordered their food along the lines of 'give me a large Big Mac meal'
I find myself thanking Siri & Alexa, purely out of habit!

I've had similar a mutual friend saying a friend was desperate for some advice from my on how she could enter my industry. Spent 30 mins writing an essay and giving personal contacts for her to try for experience etc.

No reply.

Ask mutual friend did she get my email?? He said yes I know she did. Told him how rude to not even acknowledge it.

By sheer coincidence I saw her boarding my train - we live in different cities. I asked her if she got my email? She said yes I did. I let it hang in the air but she was oblivious. She added She probably didn't want to work in my industry anymore...

We have instilled good manners in ours, as I say, they at very well mannered children who know how to behave appropriately. However speaking is just a very sore spot. My oldest is only 7 so maybe that'll change.

I think young people are now used to being the centre of attention and therefore they don't have to do the things that we old 'uns were brought up with. We had to wait - 'don't speak until you're spoken to' and weren't to interrupt adults having a conversation. It's just different now, that's all and we can't turn the clock back.
A good example - I was walking up a hill and a young person asked if I'd like help with my shopping bag - I was so shocked but suspicious - what if he was going to run off with it? So I declined politely.

Re not being thanked for a favour: Took a couple of days off work once to help SIL with an issue that she had got herself into because she was lazy. Did all the paperwork, coached her in what to say, etc. She got herself out of the mess and MIL rang DH to thank HIM.

All I ever heard was MIL boasting a few months later about how "canny" SIL was to get herself out of the mess.

It was the last straw for me. Never did another thing for any of them again.