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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late birthday present and now cut off?

58 replies

oxcat1 · 04/03/2018 12:02

During halfterm, my DDad celebrated a milestone birthday. He was away from two weeks before his birthday until two weeks after, celebrating abroad.

I have a present for him - something that I have made - but as I knew that it would not fit through the letterbox, I delayed posting it until after I knew he was back in the UK.

However, I have now been totally cutoff by my dad and my stepmum, who say that he is devastated and hugely hurt by me ignoring his birthday. I did, in fact, send an email before he left, hoping he had a good time, and then a text on the actual day wishing him a happy birthday, but his gripe is that I had not organised my present to arrive with him before he went away.

So that I don't drip feed, he was actually on holiday with all my siblings (and their families) throughout half-term. He took them all away to celebrate his birthday, but I was excluded: ostensibly because I would have been unable to participate in the physical activity involved (I use a wheelchair), but when questioned more closely, confessed it was because he and my stepmum didn't want to spend the time with me, as they thought I would argue and spoil his birthday.

I don't think I have been unreasonable: I sent a text on the day and had the present ready to send as soon as he got back. He is refusing to communicate with me at all because of how hurt he is, so I only know about this through my brother, who was there.

Surely there are no 'rules' about sending gifts if somebody is going to be away for the actual day? Plus I am sure he would have told me when I was a child that a present was a gift, not something to be demanded?

Am I being unreasonable and uncaring? And if not, what can I email that will maintain my dignity, whilst also trying to imply that I think he is being ridiculous?

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 04/03/2018 15:02

Hi OP, I assume he now has the gift, did you post it when he got back.

I've just tried to compose a 'nice' email to your Dad but actually its really hard. I really want to go with this but guess you want something a little kinder:

Dear Dad

I hope you enjoyed your birthday. I understand that you are upset that I didn't arrange for my gift to arrive before you went on your family holiday. I posted it to arrive when you got back and hope that you see that I didn't want to risk them not being able to deliver it to you if for any reason it got delayed.

I am surprised that you got upset over this considering I am persona non grata at our family events and you have admitted to actively avoiding my company. I do always try to do the right thing but once again seemed to have fallen short for which I apologise.

Ox

This is already draft 3, it probably needs another 3 rewrites with the help MN to get to something worth sending.

All the best

sirlee66 · 04/03/2018 15:05

The overly organised freak in me is screaming that you send presents with the person to take on holiday so they open on their birthday... BUT.... You should never expect to be given a present!! How bloody entitled is he!!! And maybe you would have given it on this actual birthday if you were there!!! You ANBU!!!! I agree with PP about going NC. Your dad and his partner sound like they don't appreciate you. Spend your time and efforts with someone who does!

Just out of curiosity, what did you get your dad?

Original poster
oxcat1 · 04/03/2018 15:05

Thanks so much for all the replies and the help.

It is difficult because I do really think before I do anything, to try and ensure things are not misunderstood, as clearly there is a long history of this.

I just wasn't sure whether I was failing to recognise my thoughtlessness, or whether he was being daft, as I suspected.

Thanks

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 15:08

billybag noway should op apologise to her dad, she did nothing wrong.

AJPTaylor · 04/03/2018 15:08

if this info has not come from your Dad directly, email him if thats how you communicate
Hope you had a lovely birthday and enjoyed your celebration. i have your gift here and now you are back i will put it in th post.it should be with you in a few days, hope you like it.

in my experience , however well intentioned, people like you db conveying thoughts on behalf of others is rarely helpful.

Original poster
oxcat1 · 04/03/2018 15:09

@sirlee66: I confess that the present is perhaps not a sufficiently 'big' present for a milestone birthday.....? I have handmade some accessories for a hobby that he and his wife enjoy together.

OP posts:
sirlee66 · 04/03/2018 15:13

Aw that sounds like a really lovely gift, OP! Very thoughtful!

52FestiveRoad · 04/03/2018 15:17

Blimey OP, your update is awful. I think you had every right to exclude and reject someone that was thrust into your family one month after your mother's death! Your Dad sounds utterly selfish. I don't think you can win this, I would accept the NC and get on with life. Maybe tell your DB exactly how you feel and that you are not going to crawl back round your Dad.

JamPasty · 04/03/2018 15:25

Fucking hell, he sounds like a total bastard! He avoids his child?! And harks back to things said when you were 16?! Honestly, tell him to get over himself - you are worth way way more than to let him make you upset Flowers

milliemolliemou · 04/03/2018 15:31

Speak to your siblings not MN and ask what they would advise? after all, they were on holiday with them.

livingdownsouth · 04/03/2018 15:31

My relationship with my family is fraught. My dad passed away recently, I'm NC with my only sibling and limited contact with my mum. I understand what you are saying about him being your only surviving parent. But he's not being much of one is he? I cling on to contact with my mum because I long for the family I never had - not for the one I have. How is your relationship with your brother? Does it suit him to be the golden child?

Billben · 04/03/2018 15:36

Plus I love him, as my dad

A loving parent wouldn’t treat their child this way.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2018 15:37

He's not being daft, he's being cruel. I would assume your stepmother bears a grudge.

What does your brother think? Are you close?

I wouldn't be wanting any contact with him really.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 15:43

I agree with Nanny, he is being spiteful, the lot of them. Don't minimise his behaviour, as it is awful. What they did to you, excluding you from a family holiday was disgusting, if they wanted you there, they could have made it more inclusive so that you were included, but they did not. They did not want you there. Have some pride, love yourself op, and put you and your feelings before this man child.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/03/2018 15:44

I suspect, possibly as well as the scapegoat thing someone else has mentioned, that your dad is disappointed you didnt do all the “caring” work in your relationship. It sounds like he massively failed you as a child when your mum died and I wonder if that is because he expects women to do the emotional work so he can just react to that.

borntobequiet · 04/03/2018 15:56

I'm guessing that you are the only daughter? Or possibly the eldest?
Your Dad and your stepmum sound unkind and spiteful. I feel so sorry for the 16 year old you were.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2018 15:57

Op being daft, would be loosing his reading glasses, or forgetting to pack his underwear, their behaviour is nasty.

Bratsandtwats · 04/03/2018 15:58

Maybe point out to him that the recently bereaved teenager is a different person these days who did not deserve to be excluded from a family celebration?

Follyfoot · 04/03/2018 15:58

Could I suggest you take a look at the 'But we took you to stately homes' thread? It's here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Lots of useful advice from some very wise people. It helped me to completely rethink my relationship with my mother.

IslingtonLou · 04/03/2018 16:00

Quite frankly it just sounds like they want to paint you as the devil and whatever you do, they will find a way to twist it to suit their narrative. You didn’t do anything wrong. But they don’t respect you and never will, do nothing you do will satisfy them.

Please don’t continue to entertain them. They are a shit family

IslingtonLou · 04/03/2018 16:05

Your dad thinks painting you as the nasty, argumentative, step child justifies how badly he treated you when your mother passed away. And how badly he has treated you since. He does this to make himself feel less guilty and so he looks better to other members of your family. Seems like he likes to play the martyr

I’m so sorry that your mother passed away. But please don’t allow that to stay in a toxic, unhealthy relationship with your father. He doesn’t deserve you

Tara336 · 04/03/2018 16:10

I think it’s one of those things no one can win. It does sound very soon after your mums death to have a step mum! Your dad sounds very selfish and unforgiving tbh. They probably didn’t want potential arguments but it takes two to argue! I imagine he’s very aware of how you felt him bringing a stepmum into your life so quickly and maybe doesn’t want to think about how he could have done things better. I would write a letter and ge5 your brother to hand it to your dad. If he carries this on at least you’ve tried. FWIW I think what you did over the birthday sounds perfectly reasonable and maybe this behaviour is a bit of guilt for leaving you out.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 04/03/2018 16:17

You're being set up to fail - its a completely unwinnable game. They're telling you that you are so horrible that they couldn't possibly go on holiday with you but acting all upset that you didn't make a massive effort. If this was a friend telling you this, what would you say to them? Would you tell them to go to great lengths to make a fuss over someone who has made it clear they don't feel like your friend is worthy of much at all?

Alabama3 · 04/03/2018 16:25

i think i would have a hard time not saying something like

well i would have given it to you on your birthday but as you decided to leave me out of the family holiday i was unable to

(and then tell them to fuck off)

billybagpuss · 04/03/2018 16:42

Alabama - that was pretty much draft 1 of my email Grin

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