Late birthday present and now cut off?

[oxcat1]

During halfterm, my DDad celebrated a milestone birthday. He was away from two weeks before his birthday until two weeks after, celebrating abroad.

I have a present for him - something that I have made - but as I knew that it would not fit through the letterbox, I delayed posting it until after I knew he was back in the UK.

However, I have now been totally cutoff by my dad and my stepmum, who say that he is devastated and hugely hurt by me ignoring his birthday. I did, in fact, send an email before he left, hoping he had a good time, and then a text on the actual day wishing him a happy birthday, but his gripe is that I had not organised my present to arrive with him before he went away.

So that I don't drip feed, he was actually on holiday with all my siblings (and their families) throughout half-term. He took them all away to celebrate his birthday, but I was excluded: ostensibly because I would have been unable to participate in the physical activity involved (I use a wheelchair), but when questioned more closely, confessed it was because he and my stepmum didn't want to spend the time with me, as they thought I would argue and spoil his birthday.

I don't think I have been unreasonable: I sent a text on the day and had the present ready to send as soon as he got back. He is refusing to communicate with me at all because of how hurt he is, so I only know about this through my brother, who was there.

Surely there are no 'rules' about sending gifts if somebody is going to be away for the actual day? Plus I am sure he would have told me when I was a child that a present was a gift, not something to be demanded?

Am I being unreasonable and uncaring? And if not, what can I email that will maintain my dignity, whilst also trying to imply that I think he is being ridiculous?

It all sounds massively fucked up. You were excluded from the holiday yet now you are in the wrong. Can’t think you are losing much if he is ignoring you.

Are you argumentative?

No it's not you it's them and I'm sorry but they sound horrible

I'm guessing there is a lot of history and back story here probably to the point that the gift part is irrelevant. What were you likely to argue about?

Sounds like you could do without them in your life anyway. They are being massively childish. I can't believe they left you out of the holiday!

Sounds like you got the better end of the deal.

YANBU it’s extremely mean to the point of being abusive excluding you from a big family holiday like that (and WTAF makes it ‘better’ to say they excluded you because you would be unable to participate in the activities due to being in a wheelchair rather than because you might be argumentative )
There’s no mending this type of horrible behaviour I don’t think. I would be inclined to send something dignified like ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, I did my best to ensure I marked your special birthday despite being excluded from the celebrations’
And leave it there.

How childish! My 9 year old doesn't expect all her cards or gifts on her birthday as she lives in the real world with a spread out family. Ludicrous man.

They sound completely horrible, for excluding you, for being so childish about the gift - just awful. No constructive advice but it doesn’t sound like you are dealing with nice or reasonable people so it’s hard to apply normal rules of behaviour.

What is the back story?

Back story

There will be a major back story to this.

The whole thing sounds entirely bizarre.

I often think MN has too much of an obsession with going no-contact with family members but in your position I'd cut them off - your dad and stepmum. Not absolutely everyone.

Is there some kind of massive back story here? Because no-one could consider you unreasonable in these circumstances if it's just about a present.

HE SOunds fucking awful!
Wouldn’t blame you for going NC.

Why the concern about you causing an argument? Is there a reason for that?

On first read with the details given I’d guess you are the ‘scapegoat’, which is always a requirement in a disfunctional family.

It’s a horrible role to be forced to play, but as you understand it better it becomes less painful and more clear that all the drama isn’t about you per se, but your role as the ‘scapegoat’.

Gosh, it sounds as if they are using this 'non reason' to cut you off. There must be a huge back story to them excluding you from a family holiday. What you have stated is perfectly reasonable, they have been away, you were able to contact (text) him on the day and you purchased the gift before, it's not as if you have forgotten.

If you MUST email, I would keep it light, along the lines of 'I hope you all enjoyed the holiday and I hope you had a wonderful birthday. I do have a gift for you but as you were away two weeks before and two weeks afterwards and I didn't want to leave it on the doorstop. I would prefer to hand it over in person away and hear about your trip. I don't know why you think I forgot about your birthday because I did text you on the day and have your gift waiting here for you. Let me when is a good time to meet up.

Keep your dignity by not bringing up fact they excluded you and have called you argumentative.

The back story is simply that my mum died when I was a teenager. Within a month, my stepmum was on the scene, and I admit I struggled. I was never ever rude to her, but I used to ask that we could spend time just the three of us (with my brother) sometimes, like it used to be.

My dad has consistently said that I have 'rejected' and 'excluded' her. This is going back 20 years, and I really honestly am so grateful that she is in his life, as he is pretty old now and I would be really worried absolutely him being alone and lonely, but he seems to refuse o accept it, going back to things I said when I was 16 and recently bereaved.

We haven't had any arguments for 15 years or so (see above). When I asked him what he was on about, because we hadn't been arguing, he said it was because they go out of their way not to spend time with me (which I know), and that is why the arguments don't happen. You can't really win that one!

By the way, this event is the kind of thing that he would call an 'argument'. He is hurt by my actions, so this is why he says he avoids me. I have tried so hard to get it 'right', hence not making a fuss about being excluded from the holiday, but it seems that it is still wrong.

I am scared to go no contact as he is my only surviving parent, and it hurt so much when my mum died. Plus I love him, as my dad. But I am fed up with always - always -getting it wrong, no matter how carefully I try to avoid it.

If my dad had his way, I wouldn't get him presents, ever. He doesn't want me spending money or time on things which aren't important to him.
You've done nothing wrong. In any of this. You poor thing

Sorry but his petulance would be met with a firm get fucked from me.
As scary as it may seem I can pretty much guarantee that if you go NC your life will become a whole lot more relaxed & pleasant.

Maybe it's time to love yourself more then you love him.

He excludes you bc you're disabled, and you want to know how to go crawling back?

Have some self respect.

Unless you are due to inherit a massive amount of cash upon his departure from planet earth then go no contact and be done with. It sounds mentally and emotionally draining.

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all and in fact feel you have been set up to fail. They sound really horrible op and I am sorry for you.

By way of perspective, my mil uses this alleged scenario (not sending a card or small gift) to divide and rule in the family. I opted out years ago but this year she has ignored her grandson's birthday completely. No doubt my dh has done something he cannot think of to annoy her.

Do you really want acceptance by such judgemental people. You sound very kind.

You're not going to change his opinion. He is always going to think that you exclude her and that he isn't important enough to you. Any little thing will just bring up that deep seated belief.

You can only change how you let it effect you. Send the gift through the post and wait until he contacts you.

Oh my god op, how old is he, 8! He invited all your siblings, except you to this holiday, because you will spoil it, and probably due to your disability, than has a right strop when your present does not arrive before he leaves for holiday. Very nasty, self centred pig, your best off without him in your life, how he treated you by excluding you, and not speaking to you about the present, would because massive deal-breaker.

Put you and your feelings first, and let him know exactly how he has made you feel, and how hurt you are. He has no problem burdening you with his crap. He just wants you to put up and shut up, and be a good little girl. Time to say, fuck that!

Yes like somebody said, love yourself, have some self respect!