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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Woman at work only interested in herself

70 replies

Birdscape · 04/03/2018 09:52

There's a woman at work who, although she is very nice is very self absorbed. She never asks anything about anyone else's life - in face I have worked with her for 4 years now and she only found out six months ago how many children I have. She never says have a nice weekend, asks what you did or queries anything about anyone's life. We all know every aspect of her own life and get shown constant pictures. Anyone else work with someone like this? It doesn't really bother me to be honest and I still show an interest in what she's up to because I think it's rude not to.

OP posts:

peachypetite · 04/03/2018 09:54

I'd probably stop asking her anything that wasn't to do with work. My old manager used to be like this. After three years I had stopped caring and we had professional conversations only.

MrsJayy · 04/03/2018 09:59

I think we all know somebody like this I know I do, it is exhausting trying to look interested when you know they don't give 2 hoots. The person I know is all me and mine I have stopped listening and liking stuff on facebook no when I see her she blanks me which is fair enough.

anneoneill · 04/03/2018 10:02

Do you ask her or does she show/tell you unprompted? if you ask her, she just think it's polite to answer, but doesn't want to ask too many questions herself.

As odd as this sounds, there's a real fear where I'm from about being seen as nosy. I've learned it's healthy to show an interest in people, but the instinct is still "don't ask too many questions" that I have to work past.

Just a possibility, she might well not be thinking any of that and is just self-absorbed.

Blackteadrinker77 · 04/03/2018 10:04

I'm surprised there's only one.

DunnoWhy · 04/03/2018 10:08

Yep, had someone like her at work.
When she wants to show you her pictures, if you don't want to look at them, don't. When she start talking about her weekend, if it doesn't interest you don't listen. Don't give excuses either. If she is not socially pleasant to you, why should you make an effort to be pleasant to her?
Soon she'll get the message.

The one in my workplace learnt I'm not a captured audience (anymore) and doesn't attempt to fill me in with her wonderful life's details.

Original poster

Birdscape · 04/03/2018 10:11

anneoneil she volunteers all the information. I will say to her "how was your weekend" etc. She gives me chapter and verse but would never ask how mine was, how my holiday was or whatever. She's always showing her pictures on her phone and chatting about her family but knows absolutely nothing about any of us.

OP posts:

AwkwardSquad · 04/03/2018 10:11

Yeah, I shared an office with someone like this. Really nice and sociable, but shared a lot about her own work and not interested in anyone else’s. I just politely disengaged.

StealthPolarBear · 04/03/2018 10:12

Ah OK I was about to say maybe she wants to keep work professional and just wants to get on with her work, but clearly not

anneoneill · 04/03/2018 10:12

Ah, just sounds self-absorbed then!

DunnoWhy · 04/03/2018 10:21

And yes, she always volunteered her details without anyone asking. And after offloading her wonderful stories she finished with you, didn't show interest in yours in return.

I always thought she was quite immature in many senses, wanted to be the centre of attention. She is from another country in the Europe and few times she used to make incredibly shocking and politically incorrect statements about a certain nation/religion that had problems in her country in the past. As if she knows the real history, more than the history books. In her words, the persecuted people were in fact evil and all the history books were wrong about how they suffered. Quite immature.

Potteryprincess30 · 04/03/2018 10:23

@Birdscape you must be working with my mother

honeyroar · 04/03/2018 10:31

You could be a bit passive aggressive with her..

"Shall we hear about someone else's weekend now?"
"Shall I tell you some of my news now?"
"I feel like we only ever talk about you!"

jimijack · 04/03/2018 10:32

Yes, there's a few of them.

I think it's such a unlikable trait and I worry that I'm like it so I pretty much shut up, breezily answer "fine thanks" to those that say "hi, how are you?" With zero interest anyway to the answer. I know to just say hi to those colleagues and not ask how they are. Don't become an audience to it.

OliviaStabler · 04/03/2018 10:39

I knew someone like this. Only stopped when it was clearly pointed out to her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2018 10:44

She may lack social skills. Have you tried saying “that’s nice, we did x y z”? And if so, what did she say? I’m not terribly good at asking because Im chronically ill. I know I should ask friends things. But my brain doesn’t work properly and that’s ok. Friends offer info. I know work is different from a social setting. But you do have the right to speak about yourself too.

ButteredScone · 04/03/2018 10:46

Everyone knows them. I seem to attract a particular type of Relationship Bore who tells me all about their relationships but wouldn’t have the first clue about whether I was married or had DC or whatever.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 04/03/2018 10:50

I worked with someone like this for several years. I don't think she could reliably have said how many children I had. I, on the other hand, could tell you all about the circumstances of her child's conception.

falsepriest · 04/03/2018 11:01

We've got someone like this at work. Never asks. Took me a while to realise that it was me who was actually really boring and no one cared

andijustthought · 04/03/2018 11:04

Yes. I work with a woman exactly like that.

I do tend to think though, the more I speak with her, that she is on the autistic spectrum.

A couple of years ago I had recently said I was pregnant. No big announcement and I'd waited til I was nearly 30 weeks (nice neat bump) and I was walking by a couple of girls I work with and this lady was standing with them. They girls, I'll call them Jane and Sarah, stopped me and said oh congratulations that's lovely news about your pregnancy. Other woman looked at me and said "I need to go and get my lunch"

Now she is in her 50s with a family of her own and I didn't expect a big congratulations but it was so awkward she knows nothing about anyone else and when you'd have meetings with her it was painful as she'd talk about herself for the entirety of the time you were with her.

Sevendown · 04/03/2018 11:08

It’s an autistic trait to not know to ask someone back how there weekend was if they ask you.

I used to be like this.

I’d take what people said on face value: eg if they asked about my weekend I’d tell them.

I had no idea they wanted me to ask it back.

I’d think if they wanted to tell me about their weekend they would tell me.

Don’t take it as an insult.

Peoples brains are just wired differently.

If they are friendly enough to show you photos can you not accept that as amenable behaviour?

It’s different if someone is deliberately rude.

Ophelialovescats · 04/03/2018 11:08

To be avoided at all costs....run to the photocopier....pretend your phone is messaging. ..anything ,but get away from this type of bore !
Several in every workplace, unfortunately!

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 04/03/2018 11:09

I work with a woman who gasps at my nosiness when i ask her a question!! Nobody knows all of my business, I'm not this woman honestly!! But it just made me think of the times I've asked a colleague where she lived (for example) and she replied "oh im not telling you that". So now im scared to ask her anything! Maybe she's on the run. Maybe she's in witness protection.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 04/03/2018 11:11

Sevendown, the one I worked with wasn't autistic. Narcissistic, yes. The whole world revolved around her.

Utrecht · 04/03/2018 11:12

Me too SevenDown. I have trained myself to ask reciprocal questions, remember names of colleagues' kids and partners, limit the level of detail I share. It slips when I'm tired or anxious, though.

In fact, I clicked on this thread in case it was about me. (CF Carly Simon 😶)

W0rriedMum · 04/03/2018 11:15

@NotLinkedInSnowedIn
I worked for a man once who avoided all talk of himself. In fact, when I asked him once where he was going on his holidays, he said "oh we're doing personal stuff now? Right, we're off to Florida". It was like his brain had to shift gear.

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