Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman at work only interested in herself

70 replies

Birdscape · 04/03/2018 09:52

There's a woman at work who, although she is very nice is very self absorbed. She never asks anything about anyone else's life - in face I have worked with her for 4 years now and she only found out six months ago how many children I have. She never says have a nice weekend, asks what you did or queries anything about anyone's life. We all know every aspect of her own life and get shown constant pictures. Anyone else work with someone like this? It doesn't really bother me to be honest and I still show an interest in what she's up to because I think it's rude not to.

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 04/03/2018 11:16

Yep. And that's when she is in a good mood!! I work with one of the most bitter women on the planet. She makes it her mission to attempt to get every new starter sacked, complains about working with people 'younger than her son' (who is 30) as they clearly aren't good enough and bitches about everyone behind their backs. And when she is in a bad mood, she is worse... think ignoring everyone or snapping at everyone, turning the radio off and generally ruining the atmosphere. Luckily I'm on mat leave but I hear she is just as bad lately! She is like an actual soap opera villain.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 11:17

I know a few people like that. It amazes me how self absorbed they are. Even when I've listened to their very detailed description of what happened over the weekend, nodding and oh that sounds nice in all the right places, they still go blank faced and cut me off when I try and get a word in.

I swerve them as much as possible!

W0rriedMum · 04/03/2018 11:18

I have a friend like this too. We all sit looking attentive while she tells us stories but never asks us any back, and glazes over when someone else tells a story.
(She has many redeeming points, by the way!!)

Ellapaella · 04/03/2018 11:24

Some people just talk at you rather than to you. She sounds like one of those. Dull as dishwater.

lemony7 · 04/03/2018 11:25

You have just described the majority of people I work with. It used to be really draining and annoying, but I’ve learnt to tune it out.

MrsJayy · 04/03/2018 11:26

Yes being talked at instead of spoken to sounds about right.

Sarahjconnor · 04/03/2018 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheJoyOfSox · 04/03/2018 11:40

You say you show an interest in her life, because it would be rude not to ask, but you’re not interested, you’re paying lip service just to make you appear less rude.
Stop asking about her weekend, holiday etc, she is not interested in making fake small talk.
Keep conversation to professional talk.
I always say I’d rather hear an honest truth than a sweet lie. You’re coming across as a sweet liar.

Original poster
Birdscape · 04/03/2018 11:45

She's definitely not on the autistic spectrum - she is just very self absorbed and would rather talk about herself and her family than anything else. She's not a bad person and I actually get on ok with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdscape · 04/03/2018 11:49

TheJoyOfSox I only show an interest when she comes looking for me to show me pictures on her phone of her grandchildren, new wallpaper, etc. I've learned recently not to ask questions and if she has her hair done or something I just ignore it, but it all feels very petty.

OP posts:
wrenika · 04/03/2018 11:51

This could be me. I am autistic. I want to talk to others at work because otherwise I am very isolated, but I struggle to initiate anything. I don't know how to ask people how their weekend was - I feel like they may not want to tell me - but I can tell them about mine, so I do. I don't meant to be 'self absorbed'. My brain is just wired differently. My team knows I am autistic and go out of their way to involve me because they know I struggle. I wish all people were like them.

wrenika · 04/03/2018 11:54

With respect, how do you know if someone is autistic. People don't know I have autism until I tell them. I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult.

If this person is otherwise nice, and you get on okay with them...why criticise their communication online. You don't know or understand the struggle that some people go through. Just cause someone talks a lot, it doesn't mean they don't have communication problems.

BrownTurkey · 04/03/2018 11:59

I’m like this 😬 although I am not particularly interested in telling you about me either.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/03/2018 12:02

Well you're not like this BrownTurkey are you? Grin

Pecanpickles · 04/03/2018 12:18

I think I used to be like this when I was in my teens/ early twenties. In my case it was immaturity and insecurity- unsonscioisly I saw everyone else as a bit above me. So I would answer their questions but not really ask any back (bit like an adult-child relationship)
Anyway, I made a new friend and very early on she let me know that people who only talk about themselves were her pet peeve. It was a frequent criticism of other people. I don’t know whether she did this on purpose or not, but I started to notice it in others and myself, and from then on made a conscious decision to change.

You could try the same approach. Criticise a third person for this tendency, maybe she’ll get the message.

dollygolightly · 04/03/2018 12:18

My hairdresser was like this, it would take her 3 hours to do a 1.5 hour job because she would talk so much about herself. It was draining! If I ever managed to get a word in and tell her something I had done she would go quiet, mutter mmm and then carry on talking about herself. So rude! After 8 months of this I got a new hairdresser.

The80sweregreat · 04/03/2018 12:21

I’m surprised there’s only one like it where you work as I know so many people like this! I try to avoid but it’s hard if you have to work with them. Just go ‘ yeah. No’ and glaze over . They might get the message.

Original poster
Birdscape · 04/03/2018 12:28

wrenika well unless she hasn't been diagnosed I am pretty certain she is not on the autism spectrum. She gives us chapter and verse about what her friends and family are up to so presumably she asks them about their lives. I have every sympathy for people with autism (my friend's daughter is autistic) but I do think that some people are just not interested in other people's lives.

OP posts:
Yorkshirebetty · 04/03/2018 13:18

There are a few people like this where I work. I am in a small department of five people and there is one woman who talks about herself all the time, I know every detail of her life. She never ever asks about me, and doesn't even know the name of my husband or children . Another woman isn't as bad, but she talks about herself incessantly.

mumonashoestring · 04/03/2018 13:23

I have a friend who's a bit like this. She's lovely in many ways but can be incredibly self absorbed

She got quite a shock (and had a good look at herself) when she found out a young relative of mine had died after a fairly short but horrible illness which she'd known nothing about, and I pointed out that she hadn't actually asked how I or any of my family were for about 4 months, just talked a lot about herself.

honeylulu · 04/03/2018 13:50

I've had this. The offender was someone who also got there early so the two of us were on our own for about 20 mins before others arrived. I always had to lead the conversation, make small talk, ask questions (which she'd answer, often elaborately) but she never even asked how I was.
Eventually she did something that really pissed me off - accepted an invitation and then didn't turn up, leaving me out of pocket. After that I used to greet her politely but made no further effort. We just sat in silence!

The80sweregreat · 04/03/2018 14:03

Most self absorbed people i know are also good at manipulating things too - they are totally blinkered and cannot be interested in anything anyone else has to say, its so funny when one of them meet somebody else similar - its then a fight to the death of who will out talk who and who will glaze over first! or they just dont get on.

mumonashoestring, i have a friend like this too - i have gradually managed to lose contact but its taken me years to quietly drop her as her constant ' me me me' is very waring. I dont think some people actually know that they do it to be honest - its not a very nice trait to have but lots of people do it. AS you age yourself you become less tolerant of it all.

RoseWhiteTips · 04/03/2018 14:12

•People like that are utter dullards

• or they are people who have no social skills

•or they are people who have dangerously low self esteem and cannot risk hearing about anyone else’s life in case it is is “better”

•or they suffer from OCD and cannot shut up.

Avoid. Ignore. Remove eye contact. Yawn a lot.

The80sweregreat · 04/03/2018 14:22

My supervisor is a classic example of this, i can usually avoid her however so its not that bad. just annoying. I think lots of people are like it - more so than the ' give and take' types. My sils are both self absorbed, luckily i dont have to see them very often either.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 04/03/2018 15:07

OP, this is kind of your problem not hers. You can reciprocally offer information about you as part of the conversation. You don’t need to wait to be asked. Be more assertive. You’re sort of blaming her for your own passiveness in the conversation. If you want to share something, share it. You don’t need to wait to be invited.

Men never do this, it’s a learnt timidness women have that they have to be invited to speak. It’s bullshit, if you want to say something just say it, you don’t need permission.