Re DH's eating?

[WorkingBling]

Dh was quite overweight. Not fat, but noticeably bulky even though he does a lot of exercise. He felt he didn't know how to fix it even though it was obvious to me that he just eats too much, and too much of the wrong thing.

He joined Slimming World and has done amazingly well, reaching his goal weight recently. He is still attending slimming world
Meetings as he struggles to maintain his goal weight and we are therefore, in theory, living in a "slimming world" house where he obsessively quizzes me on everything I put into our food etc. I have been very supportive, coming home early so he can attend meetings, shopping for Sliming world friendly food and preparing a lot of food for him in a SW style.

However, I am so frustrated at what I see as binge eating. Not so much the eating itself - he's lost weight and is working on it - but the selfishness of it. This was always a problem but to be honest, I just bought more of the foods he would binge so that me and dc would be able to enjoy them more. I am not doing that anymore as we are trying to save money and I think we all benefit from not having treats in the house.

So a few quick examples - ds asked me to buy salami for his school sandwiches. There was enough in the fridge for 2-3 days on Sunday night. I didn't mention it to dh as I know salami is a big No in SW. next morning - none. He just ate the lot. Didn't think about what it might be there for or implications.

Yesterday I made muffins for us for the weekend and for ds lunchbox. They are quite small and dh made a big performance out of working their syn value. (5) we each (him, me, ds) had 2 during the day leaving 8 when I went to bed. He knew I wanted to keep 5 for lunchboxes. I just went downstairs and he has eaten another 2. So he's not only going way over his syns , but he hasn't stopped for one second and thought "there are three "spare". Ok, I will have one and leave one each for Bling and ds tomorrow".

This happens ALL the time. He eats things I put aside for the kids or me unless I specify things. But I shouldn't have to specify that treats are to be shared so him eating all of them is unfair I am so tired of it. And it's particularly annoying as if I make something like bolognaise and I dare to use a few tea spoons of olive oil to cook the onions instead of his spray he will go completely crazy and refuse to eat it. Treating the food like I am purposefully sabotaging him.

Aibu to be annoyed?!

What the WHO says about processed meat:

www.who.int/features/qa/cancer-red-meat/en/

From that link from JamPasty:

9. Processed meat was classified as carcinogenic to humans (Group 1). Tobacco smoking and asbestos are also both classified as carcinogenic to humans (Group 1). Does it mean that consumption of processed meat is as carcinogenic as tobacco smoking and asbestos?
No, processed meat has been classified in the same category as causes of cancer such as tobacco smoking and asbestos (IARC Group 1, carcinogenic to humans), but this does NOT mean that they are all equally dangerous. The IARC classifications describe the strength of the scientific evidence about an agent being a cause of cancer, rather than assessing the level of risk.

Idontdowindows, just because processed meat is not as bad as cigarettes or asbestos, does not mean it is safe. Or do you think it is safe?

Interesting that on a thread which is about an overweight binge-eating husband who helps himself to food intended for his children, that it is the woman who gets blamed for her sandwich-filling choices.

While eating vast amounts of processed red meat isn't great, I'd say the risk of decades of compulsive overeating are likely to result in a poorer prognosis than someone who leads an active life has a normal weight and consumes the occasional rasher of bacon.

WorkingBling. Did you say ‘It doesn’t matter how many slices it was, it was for DS for his school lunches, not for you to snack on’ what was his response?

I’m sorry things are so tight for you right now, that really doesn’t help, but the underlying issue here is him being selfish & giving no thought to you or the kids.

And maybe don't have things like salami and muffins in the house? They are not good for anybody and you don't want your DC to grow up with the same bad eating habits as your DH.

Thanks. That was helpful.

"Idontdowindows, please take a look at the WHO statements on processed meat causing cancer".

WHO say that increases the risk of cancer. Marginally. I think you need to read up about risk Leilaniiii

Anyway, I agree that the SW diet has not actually taught your DH anything about healthy eating long term and he will struggle to maintain at his goal weight. Especially if he is selfishly eating everyone elses food. That's arseholian behaviour

It sounds like living with an alcoholic. But it is possible to have a house without booze. Impossible to have house without food though.

Particularly in a house with growing active children it's perfectly normal to have a certain amount of high calorie food in the cupboard. (If childless couples want to live on kale smoothies and almond milk then that is another matter.)

The person who has the problem is the husband. This is not about the poster's own - quite reasonable and societally normal - food choices.

@Leilaniiii strawman arguing.

You claimed it was in group 1 as if that made that extra special terrible. You have been corrected. You don't read, because more than 1 of us has already said "yes, it's carcinogenic". It's just not as carcinogenic as you are wanting it to appear with your group one claim.

He actually sounds a bit like me a few years ago, absolutely no self control when it comes to food. I would do the same thing with things like salami, 'oh it's just one slice ' and I would eat that slice, then the next, and the next. And within a couple of minutes ive eaten a whole pack. Couldn't keep anything like crisps or chocolate in the house because I would literally sit and think about it all day, then I'd give in and have one, then eat the whole pack. And I hated myself for it everytime I did it.

It's taken years for me to overcome and had to do a lot of learning about food. One of the things that helped me was writing down every single thing I ate, in what quantity, and write the recommended quantity next to it. Then at the end of the day, total it all up. It was disgusting. Is it greedy and selfish? Absolutely, but that's not what's going through your mind when compulsions takes over. You have to totally retrain yourself and your way of eating. Even today it sometimes feels like there's a war going on inside my head when I'm trying not to go rummaging through the fridge. But to be honest we only keep healthy food in the house now anyway so it's not so much of a problem as I find when it's not there in the same house, the compulsions aren't so bad.

Of course he may not be having compulsions, but it sounds plausible

Greedy bugger.

Yes, he also sounds like a binge-eating teen and, SW sounds ridiculous. But, the only way he's going to crack his weight problem is to take responsibility himself. You're helping him and that's lovely but in the end, he's only going to keep going if manages to do it himself.

Could he take on the meal-planning and shopping? Then he'd know what was for lunches, dinners etc and have to deal with the fall-out of inadequate lunch materials. Since he' s a SAHD he clearly could do this - in fact it's a normal for a SAHP job. The 'project planning' element of it offers an element of 'work-like satisfaction' too.

Could he create a food diary - but do it as a wall chart in the kitchen, giving you the opportunity to prompt him, or even add things yourself that you've seen him eating?

While you shouldn't and can't be responsible in the end, it does sound as though he is suppressing his own acknowledgement of his eating, probably a habit of years. He needs to break through that and face it - and, uncomfortable as it is, dragging something private and secretive into the light of day, where others can see it, may be the shock he needs to face facts.

And yes OP you are a terrible mother and all round shit parent feeding your child home made muffins with fruit and stuff in them. Shame. On. You!

I know what you mean Bambamber and I don't think the SW with it's "eat as much as you like" of certain foods mentality helps if you are that way inclined

@Leilaniiii this is from the WHO website:

^According to the most recent estimates by the Global Burden of Disease Project, an independent academic research organization, about 34 000 cancer deaths per year worldwide are attributable to diets high in processed meat.

Eating red meat has not yet been established as a cause of cancer. However, if the reported associations were proven to be causal, the Global Burden of Disease Project has estimated that diets high in red meat could be responsible for 50 000 cancer deaths per year worldwide.^

So if red meat turns out to be a cause of cancer (it’s quite probable that with further study it will end up in group one also) it causes more deaths than processed meat. As pp have said it has nothing to do with the risk level of eating processed meat, just how solid the evidence is.

Understand how difficult it is to live, and try to share food with, someone like this.

I have been that person, infact, SW with its low fat, hard carb, 'syn's and restriction of food is a textbook method to destroy anyone's relationship with food. The body notices the restriction and reacts as if it is starving, so sends signals to eat, something, now and of course it will be the forbidden food that appears attractive.

After years of yo-yo dieting, restricting and binge eating, two things helped me, eating less and the low carb, high fat way of eating as set out in the MN low carb bookcamp threads. All the best.

Eating carbs just makes you want more carbs. I see this very clearly, and I've never even been fat. Protein and fat fills you up. Carbs make you want more carbs, and you can keep eating them all day.

Thanks idontdowindows I learned something useful there. 👍🏼

OP tell him to stop eating food at random out of the fridge. No more. It’s hurting his diet, costing you money and leaving your kid short of food planned for his lunches.

Just to add, I've always found (and think this is documented) that low and medium intensity exercise, like a gym or swimming session, makes me very hungry and commonly prompts eating afterwards of far more calories than have been burned. Especially carbs if 'allowed'.

Much more sensible, and beneficial for muscle formation, to eat some protein within an hour of exercising (plus veg of course) and resist the urge to binge.

High intensity, sustained exercise suppresses appetite. But that is things like running a marathon, or half marathon. When I've done that, I haven't felt hungry afterwards but have the next day.

I suspect many people kid themselves that they're doing high intensity, sustained exercise - and can somehow justify the subsequent binge - when they're not and can't.

Great that he's doing the exercise though. It won't prompt much weight loss but will build good exercise habits, muscle and a healthier body with lowered risk of heart disease, stroke etc.

The other thing to watch out for, if he ever stops the exercise, is that the general 'exercise driven increased appetite' continues for a while after the exercise has ended. So people tend to balloon at that point.

I'm sorry WorkingBling, this sounds like an insanely frustrating situation for you.

Does your DH have anything he's interested in he could do on the evening's he's home - without leaving you with all the childcare/ignoring you totally, I mean! When I was wee my father used to paint "toy soldiers" & was part of a war-gaming club (his running he kept mostly to around the work-day & cricket was an occasional thing, I think - he'd to give up due to injury when I was a toddler) as his decompressing-from-work things. Something that requires you to focus while you do it but you can break away as needed would be good. Has he any interest in learning a language? I've not used it, but know DuoLingo is meant to be good... Would he consider learning to knit/crochet/do something else that would occupy his hands & his brain?

Am not sure if you'd even be able to, but would contacting the person who runs his SW group to express your concerns be a possibility? Although you'd then have to rely on them handling it well I definitely think you shouldcontact Beat Eating Disorders (& perhaps Overeaters Anonymous as well) because it does sound as if your DH has some quite serious issues with food & both of you could use some support. Is there any chance he's depressed? Lots of people are prone to overeating when depressed, and some of your posts make it sound as if his mood could be a bit low, but obviously it's hard to tell from here & there's a difference between that & clinical depression!

I'm not sure I've anything practical-helpful to suggest food-wise, sorry. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he gollops all the food? And the fact you shouldn't need to tell him what he can[not] eat.

Leilaniii
As well as the excellent information provided by other posters on this thread, perhaps you'd find reading the Cancer Research explanation as to the actual risks of eating processed meat helpful. Am also attaching the graphic that explains the relative risks of tobacco vs meat consumption. For the record, I'm - for ethical reasons, though I also have an anaphylactic allergy to dairy products - almost vegan (I very occasionally eat things with egg/honey in) & have been since I was 13, prior to which I ate very little meat. I'm certainly not an advocate for eating meat of any kind - I really dislike Bad Science though. The WHO have set recommendations as to how much processed meat they think is safe[st] to eat - they've not said people should stop eating it, whereas they have, unequivocally, said that smoking is completely unsafe & nobody should do it. Ditto asbestos should not be used in construction & must be removed with caution. Obviously removing processed meat from your diet completely removes even the slightest risk from it - unfortunately it doesn't guarantee you'll not get colon cancer. Regardless, swooping in to accuse the OP of deliberately [over]exposing her DS to carcinogens, basically claiming that his salami sandwich might as well be a cocktail of asbestos & cigarettes? Very. Much. Not. On.

@Idontdowindows - sorry, I should have been clearer - I was posting that link as I too was getting frustrated with Leilaniii misunderstanding the evidence.

[wanders off to have another yummy bacon sarnie]

Oh I got that @jampasty :) I was agreeing and regurgitating for our hard of understanding friend.

@Idontdowindows - a fine plan :)

ZebraOwl, many cancer research charities are funded by the meat industry. If you are really interested in this, then check it out for yourself. When someone is sponsoring you, it is difficult to criticise them.

Leilaniiii
I'd be very interested to know which - it's late & I'm tired but a simple Google didn't throw up anything helpful. If it's so commonplace, why are you telling me I've to research it rather than giving me examples? "You go & look for proof of the point I'm making" greatly reduces the credibility of your assertion.

Anyway, happily Cancer Research isn't being funded by any section of the meat industry, as you can see from their easily accessible pages on their Corporate Partners. There may be a conflict of interest if gluten starts looking dodgy though, as there seems to be a brioche company on there...

Certainly industries of all kinds fund research, but any corporate-funded study MUST be clearly stated to be such on publication. They mostly, AFAIK, use independent labs, too, because charities are - unsurprisingly enough - worried about a loss of credibility & support if they're seen engaging with certain types of research. There's certainly no shortage of cancer researchers in need of funding.

In any case, the WHO - which you were citing as a reputable source earlier - is in agreement with Cancer Research on the "safe" approach to consumption of processed meat.

When i worked day time and dh did evenings i used to make myself a packed lunch the night before and leave it in the fridge. Dh would get in from shift and often raid the fridge. Sometimes he ate my packed lunch so when i went to get it in the morning there was nothing
I dont think he was a compulsive eater. He seemed to genuinely not see why it was a big deal. Soo i reckon its just selfish thoughtlessness.