Re DH's eating?

[WorkingBling]

Dh was quite overweight. Not fat, but noticeably bulky even though he does a lot of exercise. He felt he didn't know how to fix it even though it was obvious to me that he just eats too much, and too much of the wrong thing.

He joined Slimming World and has done amazingly well, reaching his goal weight recently. He is still attending slimming world
Meetings as he struggles to maintain his goal weight and we are therefore, in theory, living in a "slimming world" house where he obsessively quizzes me on everything I put into our food etc. I have been very supportive, coming home early so he can attend meetings, shopping for Sliming world friendly food and preparing a lot of food for him in a SW style.

However, I am so frustrated at what I see as binge eating. Not so much the eating itself - he's lost weight and is working on it - but the selfishness of it. This was always a problem but to be honest, I just bought more of the foods he would binge so that me and dc would be able to enjoy them more. I am not doing that anymore as we are trying to save money and I think we all benefit from not having treats in the house.

So a few quick examples - ds asked me to buy salami for his school sandwiches. There was enough in the fridge for 2-3 days on Sunday night. I didn't mention it to dh as I know salami is a big No in SW. next morning - none. He just ate the lot. Didn't think about what it might be there for or implications.

Yesterday I made muffins for us for the weekend and for ds lunchbox. They are quite small and dh made a big performance out of working their syn value. (5) we each (him, me, ds) had 2 during the day leaving 8 when I went to bed. He knew I wanted to keep 5 for lunchboxes. I just went downstairs and he has eaten another 2. So he's not only going way over his syns , but he hasn't stopped for one second and thought "there are three "spare". Ok, I will have one and leave one each for Bling and ds tomorrow".

This happens ALL the time. He eats things I put aside for the kids or me unless I specify things. But I shouldn't have to specify that treats are to be shared so him eating all of them is unfair I am so tired of it. And it's particularly annoying as if I make something like bolognaise and I dare to use a few tea spoons of olive oil to cook the onions instead of his spray he will go completely crazy and refuse to eat it. Treating the food like I am purposefully sabotaging him.

Aibu to be annoyed?!

You do know that if it was a woman posting about her DH not supporting her diet, making meals which don't follow the plan, buying foods which aren't compatible, you'd get roasted. So why the double standards?

If you've never been overweight, and I mean by 3+ stone, not a few pounds, this is difficult to understand.

The problem with SW is it's very bad for anyone who is a binge eater. Not all fat people are. But the ones who are, like me and your DH, SW doesn't help us. The idea that foods are unlimited is really bad. We used to get told to have a bowl of pasta as a snack! That really isn't great.

The low fat way with SW is difficult to sustain but it means as soon as you have a tiny bit of fat, or bread, or any of the other stuff that is not on their plan, you gain weight rapidly. I know people who regained 3 stone or more in 3 months, not gorging but just using oil or butter, eating bread, cereal etc. It is actually frightening how quickly it will go on.

Binge eating is a compulsion. It is very hard to overcome and a diet which encourages unlimited portions just makes it worse.

It's no real hardship to avoid adding oil, fat or similar to meals. Most meat already contains enough fat. You can fry veg dry or with a little water (I hate shit like frylight and would rather use nothing).

As for the binge eating, try to discuss it gently. It will be something he basically can't control. My way round it is to have nothing in the house I can binge badly on - no calorific processed meats, cakes, crisps, biscuits or similar. If that means my kids don't get 'treats' then so be it unfortunately.

Symphony, so? It doesn't change the compulsion or disorder. Are you suggesting that women with eating disorders who binge eat in secret only do so because they are only inconveniencing themselves and as such if they were inconveniencing someone else wouldn't have the disorder, can control it and wouldn't do it if their husbands organised the food? I don't think you are you just haven't thought through your argument.

Yes he is inconveniencing his wife, but I very much doubt he's doing so maliciously. I also doubt he's happy about his binges.

Idontdowindows, please take a look at the WHO statements on processed meat causing cancer. They're the World Health Organisation: I think they know what they're talking about.

He has serious deeply rooted psychological issues around food and eating, being annoyed about him is not going to help him or you for that matter. A lack of awareness about binge eating persists as evidenced in some of these responses.

I would try and find out what attitudes re eating and food were prevalent in his household when he was growing up. I would think his mother or father (or both) have an equally unhealthy relationship with food.

He is bingeing and eating in secret. Binge eating is a psychological issue as is overeating; its not just about what is and is not eaten but the feelings surrounding same. He needs professional help with these issues which you yourself cannot unfortunately fully provide.

I would contact BEAT and get their take on this situation.

It sounds to me that he has not moved on from the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ eating. When he’s fed up with the restrictions of the ‘good’ food he binges on the ‘bad’. This is a cycle that’s very familiar to me.

In other words, he’s on a diet that he can finish at some point. My experience is that the weight will then go back on pretty quickly.

He needs to change his eating habits to want to eat healthily all the time with the occasional treat. It doesn’t sound to me that he’s addressed that at the moment. And yes, he is being selfish but this is what bingers do. I certainly did.

I do think there is a lot of understanding about eating disorders and binge eating, but what's surprising about this thread is is seems to be understanding associated with women.

No way would the responses to a woman binge eating in secret be all about her being greedy, selfish, lock the food up, make her replace it etc. But strangely when a man is doing it those are the responses. It seems like the thought process is men don't suffer from eating disorders so can control it, where as women can't.

There is no difference between the genders. Binge eating is binge eating, whether you have a penis or not.

I should add that there’s a real compulsion in binging - it’s not at all easy to stop. Some people find it impossible and need professional support.

It sounds like he's not eating enough fats to feel full or satisfied and then bingeing on crap.

TBH, this is why things like SW really irk me - olive oil being treated like the devil but then scoffing cakes is seriously fucked up.

Good fats like olive oil (in moderate amounts) should have a place in the daily diet. Look at the traditional Mediterranean diet, for example.

I agree with @VelvetSpoon and it's one reason why I really don't like SW, even though it's the go-to these days.

I know I said I don't do diets and I don't, but if you must do one, WW seemed to be the least ridiculous. It does at least teach you about portion sizes and the only things you can have unlimited quantities of are those where it really would be impossible to get fat on. Carrots, cucumbers etc. When I finally lost my weight for good (as far as I can tell, been nearly ten years now) a lot of it did come down to finally knowing what an actual portion looked like, rather than this crazy 'unlimited SW chips' stuff.

It took me longer to lose the weight than if I'd been on one of these plans, but it's stayed off. And if I did have a bad day, or week, or month, I didn't feel too awful about it because I wasn't actually ON a plan per se.

I don't blame OP for being frustrated and annoyed but I really can see where her husband's mental state is coming from. I'm rarely one to call 'reverse the sexes' but in this case I do think we're seeing massive double standards. A woman posting about how she can't stop eating the kids' lunches would get sympathy and support (rightly so).

Of course, the MN double standard is outweighed by the societal double standard whereby women are judged on their weight and looks far, far more than men, so I'm not pointing too many fingers either way. Still, it sounds as though the husband is really struggling and could use some support.

The thing is, if you're prone to binge eating then a low-fat diet is a fucking disaster.
I personally struggled for years, veering between tight control, misery and huger and then bingeing on all sorts of shit.
I've not been overweight since upping my fat content and mostly binning sugar and refined carbs, and my diet is so much healthier.
I do have the occasional treat like a bit of cake but now I'm fine with one piece and feel satisfied.
I'm really not a fan of things like Slimming World, I believe they create a very disordered attitude to food.

It sounds as though he has Binge Eating Disorder. He needs empathy, understanding and therapy - not people on here calling him a greedy selfish pig.

They're the World Health Organisation: I think they know what they're talking about.

Doesn't change the fact that your understanding of IARC groups is simply wrong.

Yes, they are carcinogenic. No, their "group 1" classification means nothing when it comes to HOW carcinogenic they are.

Idontdowindows is right, processed meat is not akin to smoking or asbestos!

Leilaniii you need to either properly understand the research or stop talking about it.

This is the problem with popular diets like SW - they are unsustainable. Who wants to spend their life counting ‘syns’ (the word in itself is unhealthy!) in theory - eating as much healthy food as you like whilst still allowing for treats sounds easy to follow however:-

• some of the recipes are batshit for example there’s a cheesecake one doing the rounds atm, muller yoghurt, quark, six alpens, vanilla essence and gelatin powder. None of that is healthy and ‘a quarter of a cheesecake a day’ doesn’t teach healthy habits.
• likewise it doesn’t teach portion control and pushes ready meals from Iceland...
• relies too much on processed food like mugshitz and muller shites. Quark in everything - is vile and would go out of business if it wasn’t for SW.
• the food is BLAND. Meat, veg and carbs is all well and good but it’s boring day in, day out. Not all the foods they class as ‘syns’ is bad - olive oil, butter, nuts, avocado are all healthy fats to name a few of many examples, and should be used as part of a balanced diet. And I know you can use your syns (I fucking hate that word) on them but the majority of people save them up for crap like a treat plate at night, which is again not a healthy habit to have.

It’s a DIET and therefore when he stops the diet, all the weight will pile back on.

It’s his mindset that needs to change, or he will put all the weight back on and more. Does he exercise? The only way to keep weight off sustainably is to burn more than he eats.

I feel for him - disordered eating is terrible affliction - I have had binge eating disorder all my life, addictions to diets etc. And programmes like SW made it a million times worse.

Does he do any exercise? A diet like SW is simply not sustainable in the long term in my experience.

Cancer deaths attributed to eating processed meat 34,000. That’s a LOT.

Until you actually think about it.

Deaths worldwide 34,000
World population 7.6 billion

Children shouldn't have to live on diet/low fat foods because their dad can't be trusted to act like a fucking grown up around foods that are meant for them.

I hate this mentality that the only way to be 'supportive' of a grown adult's diet is to also follow the same diet by not having the foods they shouldn't eat in the house. Grown ups should be able to act with restraint.

I think the best option would be a pile of stickers with "for [DCs]" on them, explain to DH that if that is on the box/packaging, he doesn't touch it without checking first as you know he'll just binge it all and can't be 'trusted' to just have a bit and leave it for the kids. I would put all cakes and biscuits in similar tubs with taking out 1 or 2 in a different box he can have.

It's rediculous you have to do that, but as he won't act like an adult with food, you'll have to treat him like a big kid.

If he does have a binge eating disorder, he needs to sort it, not make everyone else suffer for his refusal to tackle them.

Teaching your child they need to scoff down all their nice treats or else daddy will eat them all, is setting your child up for disordered eating as an adult. It is bad parenting to let your DH teach your DS a 'feast or famine' approach to high fat/sugar foods.

I don't really think you can argue with something classed as a Grade 1 carcinogen. It may not be as bad as smoking or asbestos, but it is still seriously bad. And not something you should be feeding your kids.

Processed meats - such as bacon, sausages and ham - do cause cancer, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). Its report said 50g of processed meat a day - less than two slices of bacon - increased the chance of developing colorectal cancer by 18%.

Colorectal cancer has one of the poorest survival rates. Why take the chance. Ditch the salami.

Thanks all.

On the muffins, he claims he only had one last night. So either he is in denial or another one was eaten by ds and none of us remember....

attila his family's attitude to food is not great. His mother is diabetic but has never made any effort to understand how to eat and his sister is also something of a binger. Clearly there are challenges.

I think honestly he does have a problem but he is in denial. We talked today about the salami too and he just kept saying, "it was a few slices". It wasn't. It was about 8 slices, at least. And that's probably a lot of syns too.

Before he started slimming world, it was not unusual for us to get through a packet of muesli a week. Mostly eaten by dh at 11pm at night. And yet, when he would despair about his weight he simply
Could see no correlation between the late night muesli habit and his struggles.

To be fair, life is hard right now. Money is extraordinarily tight and dh is a sahd. He can't earn much so we have found this better. Dd will be starting free hours soon so he is currently looking for more regular work that he can do mostly around her childcare. This is all stressful. Lack of money also means being a Sahp is harder - less fun (expensive) days out etc.

He exercises Loads and one expense we have maintained is an over priced gym
Membership as he gets so much out of it. It really is keeping him sane. And I notice in evenings he goes to gym he will come home and have a meal and perhaps one snack or while nights where he is at home he will eat with Kids, eat with me
And have multiple snacks.

YANBU, YABAS! You Are Being A Saint!

Lying about what they've eaten is quite common on the compulsive eater threads.

Money is extraordinarily tight and dh is a sahd.

That sounds really hard . I think men don't cope as well being at home alone as women do. Maybe that has something to do with the binge eating?

I don't really think you can argue with something classed as a Grade 1 carcinogen.

We can, because you do not understand what that classification means.

I've explained it twice now, but here it goes again:

The classification is about HOW MUCH RESEARCH HAS BEEN DONE INTO IT.

The classification is NOT about HOW CARCINOGENIC it is.

throwing around "Oooooooo, it's group ONE" is grossly misunderstanding of what group 1 actually is.

Of course he’s got a disorder. It’s MN. He couldn’t simply be a thoughtless, lazy, git could he 🤣

As for ‘if it was a woman posting she was eating the kids lunches it would be different’ (etc). Yes, it would, because it would be the person doing it AND responsible for the consequences. My advice to the OP’s husband would be different if HE was posting, but he’s not. He’s just doing as he pleases and leaving her to sort out the consequences of his action. My advice to him & her would be different because their problems are different, not because they do/don’t have a penis.

Trust me, I understand ‘food issues’, all too well.

However, he’s an adult. A grown man. He is not a child & OP is not his mother. Whether he’s simply lazy & selfish or has eating disorder he can stop eating food that is for his wife & child. He wouldn’t go into a shop and be unable to control himself eating whatever was in there off the shelf.