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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being unreasonable, IDGAF

83 replies

squarecorners · 03/03/2018 20:55

"D"H threatened to walk out and do his usual flounce off to the pub because I brought up the woman he had an affair with in a relevant conversation and he didn't like it. I got my shoes on first and walked to the pub. He frequently "goes for a pint" which lasts several hours and is inconvenient as I'm trapped at home with ds. I've left him looking after ds this time while I've had 3 double whiskies and I feel fucking great. Fuck that bastard.

OP posts:
IllustriouslyIllogical · 03/03/2018 21:51

Actually I'm capable of being a much bigger bitch than you'll ever experience but I'm much too much of an adult to destroy your world, so count yourself very fucking lucky.

Ah sorry, I thought the OP was by one of the parents, not the fucking toddler!!

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 03/03/2018 21:51

I'll join you with my horrible lager. 🍻

Original poster
squarecorners · 03/03/2018 21:52

IllustriouslyIllogical, perhaps you didn't read the title?

OP posts:
MapleMuffins · 03/03/2018 21:57

Op start making a plan. Living the way you are is soul destroying.

Go see a solicitor, find out what you can do / what you are entitled to etc. Start getting documents together. You need to protect yourself and your DS.

SD1978 · 03/03/2018 21:58

I understand why you did. But I’m with the flames replyers. You brought up the OW. You don’t ever (and why the hell should you) plan on forgiving DH but ha going in because of the money and the financial security it can give you. Whether he is a narcissist or not/ you’re being spiteful and petty as well to get back at him. There is no way that attitude and environment of constantly screwing each other over and one upmanship won’t affect your child.

Original poster
squarecorners · 03/03/2018 22:00

Basically, the sociopath whom I married thinks that the fact that he is willing to bring up much more hurtful things than I do means he has all the power. Not so. Should I wish to I could render him a quivering wreck. I don't because that's not kind and basically I don't like hurting people in that way. I have information about him that would destroy his career, friendships, reputation, even family relationships, but I keep that private because its beneath me. He's an abusive shit and only recently has my mum been let in on what he's been doing for years. I shield ds from the worst of it but there are things he has been exposed to. Lots of people would say get out now, but as I say that would deliver him a massive win. I will leave when I'm good and ready. When I have my and ds's life arranged as suits us. Not due to his whims or girlfriend of the week. Everything in front of ds is calm and collected, for both our safety. I've also got support from a brilliant local organisation that befriends women in shitty relationships. Everything is sort of fine, or I'm on it if it's not!

OP posts:
selftitledalbum · 03/03/2018 22:01

Op, you sound as bad as he does.
A quivering wreck.
Indeed.

Original poster
squarecorners · 03/03/2018 22:05

selftitledalbum I've not given him any sti's, as far as I'm aware.
Nor did I leave him to fuck my lover when our child was two weeks old.
But I guess by thinking unpleasant things that I don't say out loud I really am awful...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/03/2018 22:07

Ok, I'm not sure if you're drunk and full of bravado or well, like this in real life and he has a point.

One thing is for sure, you're very angry and that is not healthy for any of you. I understand the financial concerns but you can't really want to live like this.

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/03/2018 22:09

Have a few more doubles OP, rant to your Mum and leave your partner holding the baby for the night.

Tomorrow make a plan to stop this happening again x

SD1978 · 03/03/2018 22:10

No- haven’t done what he’s done. But that level of bitterness and misery and resentment every single day- how can that be healthy? You are so angry. Sorry, there is no way your child can’t pick up in this. I don’t understand what the money issue is, unless you’re waiting for a relative of his to die, which is where the inheritance comes in, but your level of spite, regardless of it being a reaction to his utter disregard and disrespect of you, is not healthy. I’m sorry your so miserable. I’m sorry he’s an arse, and I do feel sorry for the son you don’t think is affected, but I can’t see how isn’t.

Original poster
squarecorners · 03/03/2018 22:14

I'm not angry at all. I'm very calm and actually now comparatively undrunk. Nothing changes the fact that husband is a knob. I've wasted nearly ten years of my life on him and my son is a bright light in a very dark grey world. I have the most beautiful child but his father has no idea how to behave with other humans that isn't just surface manipulation. The more I learn about how to deal with a narcissist the more I feel empowered and the nearer I get to the door.

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 03/03/2018 22:25

OP you're in cloud cuckoo land if you think that your DS is "protected" from all this drama and fighting.

Poor poor sod.

Get legal advice, get all the financial paperwork and evidence together. Kick DH out of the house. Get divorced and stop feeding the madness. Your child is caught in the crossfire.

TheRealCinderella · 03/03/2018 22:26

OP I totally understand every point you have raised and agree with you Grin if you're still at the pub have one for me

mynameisLuca · 03/03/2018 22:27

Poor poor sod

Why do people have to be such shits to women who are clearly struggling?

Prestonsflowers · 03/03/2018 22:28

I’m agreeing with blackteadrinker No more tonight, clear head tomorrow and make plans

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 03/03/2018 22:31

The more I learn about how to deal with a narcissist the more I feel empowered and the nearer I get to the door

Good for you OP. Keep going.

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/03/2018 22:35

This sounds like an incredibly toxic relationship and I urge you to remove yourself from this man now, before things get really nasty. And yes the dynamics of your marriage are damaging your son.

Tapandgo · 03/03/2018 22:41

Get legal advice, get all the financial paperwork and evidence together. Kick DH out of the house. Get divorced
^^
This
But stay strong, stay safe and protect your child.
💐

Suburbanfocks · 03/03/2018 22:50

Mumsnet is only satisfied if an OP agrees to LTB as soon as they are told to. What another fine pile on this has turned out to be.

OP, all I'll say is good on you. You sound like your head's firmly screwed on.

Bejazzled · 03/03/2018 22:53

Sound like youre in a very bad place. It won't get better. See a lawyer and try sort out the financial side - it's no way to live a life
all the best to you

OlennasWimple · 03/03/2018 23:05

Is the money really worth continuing to bring up your DS in such a toxic environment?

Elfintreehuggywugger · 03/03/2018 23:08

squarecorners you sound nowhere near as bad as he does!

Let it all out, I hope you’re having a good night!

LTB!!

saoirse31 · 03/03/2018 23:13

Feel sorry for your D's. So you think he doesn't notice the relationship BT you and your husband, how you talk to each other, use him in your arguments? Think you both sound as bad as each other tbh

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2018 12:33

Mums-net is only satisfied if an OP agrees to LTB as soon as they are told to

Normally I'd agree with you, it's always yes he's cheating and leave him now. But in this instance to be completely honest this doesn't sound good at all

He's cheated
Potentially she's signalling he gave her an STD
They are nasty to each other
They race to see who can get out the house first and leave the other one "trapped" with their son
They do petty things like him blocking her car in
She's casting up his affair
She's on line calling him things like a horrible fuck etc
She seems to see it as some form of competition why the relationship can't end. See where she said it would be a win for him
She seems to think it's ok to taunt him or whatever grey rock means
She claims not to be angry then writes stuff about how she could reduce him to a quivering wreck, ruin his life and even potentially threaten to tell his work and family about some "info" she has on him

Overall this sounds like a relationship that is long past over and is now hate filled and acrimonious.

So yes, they should end it. I can't see there is a way back from where they are.