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AIBU?

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Original poster

Now you fucking tell me!

65 replies

hairisbeingtorn · 03/03/2018 15:16

New bathroom being installed next week. Not expensive as these things go, but still expensive, because these things are.

DH and I have separate money. Both self employed and work from home, one DS. So far, we have both contributed the same to the cost of the bathroom. I found the company, arranged a few quotes from different companies, looked at reviews, etc. I asked him to research which shower to have and he said he would. This was weeks ago. I've asked a few times if he's done it. He said yes, and that essentially we should get the same one we have now. We've had it quite a long time (more than 10 years). It has stopped working now, but was reliable as these things go. Fine with me. How much is it? I ask. Couple of hundred quid he says. Where shall we get it from? I ask. I've found it online he says. Ok, well we need to get it before they come to fit the bathroom, I say. This was about a month ago. Two weeks ago we met with the bathroom fitter to discuss the final spec. for the bathroom. Shower discussed 'I'll sort that out" says DH. Fine by me.

But he hasn't. I don't think he even looked in the first place. He said (just! about half an hour ago!) - after I asked (again), when the shower will be coming, "maybe we should just let the fitter bung any old shower in, I just looked online and the one we have now is £XXX" (ie a bit on the expensive side).

NOW you fucking tell me! I am already not looking forward to being essentially bathroomless for a week (we only have one bathroom and one toilet!), if it's held up because of his failure to sort this out I will be seriously pissed off. He literally HAD ONE JOB.

He's skint. So am I. We're both trying to pay down debt. However, while mine is going down, his seems to be going up. I understand he doesn't want to fork out more than necessary on a shower But why not sort it out sooner!! We have the shower and the remainder of the bathroom to pay for in the next week. I was expecting to pay for half of it - not that we've communicated about it.....

What I want, and I think I may be BU, is to properly pool our resources and for me to take control of the finances and actually get rid of the effing debt. But I'm not sure how, or if, that could work. We've been together 19 years and always had separate money. But I'm sick of this now. Angry

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 03/03/2018 15:30

Do you have a joint account for household bills etc? I have one with DH and we each pay an agreed amount in every month, but we will often individually top it up or pay for things out of our own money if needs be.

Marmite27 · 03/03/2018 15:34

I feel your pain with bathroom renovations, we only have one bathroom and one toilet and I’m in to 15 of it not being finished. Luckily they’ve put the loo back in every night though.

I’d be pissed off about the shower. In our house DH researches and I pay from joint savings and get final veto.

Not sure what to suggest for you going forward, but I’d be mad!

Marmite27 · 03/03/2018 15:35

Into DAY 15...

Original poster
hairisbeingtorn · 03/03/2018 15:38

Yes we have a joint account. We both uesd to pay a set amount into it. However, I stopped paying into it a few years ago, as there are two 'joint' loans (ie. used to pay for joint things, but in my name, because I had a better credit rating) that come out of my personal account and I pay for all the food/clothes/DS activities, which together add up to as much as the rest of the bills (mortgage utilities etc) that he pays.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairisbeingtorn · 03/03/2018 15:40

God Marmite 15 days?! PLEASE don't let it be 15 days...

OP posts:
Original poster
hairisbeingtorn · 03/03/2018 15:46

Plus he says he earns more than me. He definitely turns over more than me, but his work has a lot more overheads. So, if I could get to grips with the nitty gritty of both our financial situations maybe we could work out a properly fair way of doing things AND get rid of the debt. At the moment, he brags about how much cash he has coming in, and then asks me to go into my overdraft to help him cover the mortgage cos he can't this month Hmm

OP posts:
Missnearlyvintage · 03/03/2018 15:48

We only have joint finances, and I manage most things financially - DH likes this arrangement. It has worked well for us eventually, but did not stop DH from getting himself a credit card at one point when he was having a hard time with some things and wanted his 'own money' to spend without me watching what he was spending, (we didn't have anything to spare at this point which was why I was watching our spending to start with!).
Could you start with a financial meeting planned in for an whole evening where you and DH can go through everything? Give details of your accounts to each other so they can be checked if needs be, and so that you can both make sure that everything is being paid/saved as necessary? It might give you some answers as well if you aren't sure what is happening with his finances recently. I think you might just need to be frank with him if anything has given you cause for concern.
I know some couples do well with separate finances, but I've known quite a few couples in my friendship circle that have had issues with transparency. Maybe you could agree on an amount of spending money each per month in separate accounts which are not checked by each other, so both of you still feel that you don't have to declare absolutely everything, but know that everything important like your debts etc. are being dealt with as a priority?
Re. the shower, can you decide this so that you can keep the project on track? I have been in many a situation like this and sympathise with how frustrating it is. It might be worth just sorting this yourself for now if possible, and talking to him about it at another time. I feel like it's going to be a lot for him to take at once if you want to go through his finances, and also tell him to buck up and do the things you ask of him (like sorting the shower decision) all at the same time.

OddBoots · 03/03/2018 15:50

Sounds like a bit of a nightmare. What has gone wrong with your current shower? If it is a high end one is it possible it could be repaired as part of the refit rather than replacing it?

Bluelady · 03/03/2018 15:53

If it were me I'd find a suitable shower, shove it under his nose and make him order it while I watched, then transfer half the money to him. You're right, he's done nothing.

ohnomoresnow · 03/03/2018 15:54

A couple, living together, bought a home, have a child.......

but separate finances?

WHY? Confused

He earns way more than you.

I am guessing 'separate finances' is HIS idea?Hmm

TheQueef · 03/03/2018 15:54

My ex used to do this.
Instead of just saying he hadn't done something, lie, let it cause extra costs and/or effort and then try to bodge it.
He'd do it over daft things too, like you don't have enough to do.

BackforGood · 03/03/2018 16:00

I can't understand the concept of a family having separate finances, let alone divvying up which bits of a bathroom refurb you each choose Hmm.
What's the matter with you ?
You aren't flatmates.
You have been a couple for 19 years and have a child together for goodness sake!

Oldraver · 03/03/2018 16:02

If you need clear debst why are you spending on the bathroom ? Is it really needed ?

JuniLoolaPalooza · 03/03/2018 16:02

You can get a decent shower in Screwfix (if in stock) no problem. DP bought & installed on last weekend.
However, your issue is your DH lying and sorting out your finances. Hope the bathroom goes well and you can sit DH down for a proper chat to sort it all out.

Skiiltan · 03/03/2018 16:05

Does it have to be a specific shower? You can buy them off the shelf at Argos, Wickes, B&Q, etc. I replaced our shower last year with one from Argos for £65 (just checked and it's currently listed for £75). If it's really just that he hasn't bothered, rather than that he can't afford it, you could send him out now to get one.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 03/03/2018 16:08

If you are paying off debts why on earth are you having your bathroom renovated? Surely clearing your debts takes precedence over such an unnecessary outlay...

Lupiform · 03/03/2018 16:14

DH and I used to have separate finances for some things. We are also both self employed. We now just have one pot plus small accounts for personal spending, in separate personal accounts, and I manage it all because I am just better at it. Previously we always seemed to be living invoice to invoice and now we have thousands of pounds worth of savings and have nearly eliminated all debt. Both of us having strict limits on personal spending really helped.

Original poster
hairisbeingtorn · 03/03/2018 16:30

Lupiform that sounds perfect. Was your DH resistant to that change?
I have two children from a previous marriage, who have grown up and left home. When DH moved in, they were still here, and we had no children together, hence separate finances.

He just came back from Screwfix with the shower - which is good -but still Angry it took a blazing row to get him to actually do anything.

Bathroom is necessary. It's currently the original 1970s suite, which is knackered and we plan to moved house this year. I don't think it would sell for as much in the current state.

OP posts:
SimonBridges · 03/03/2018 16:30

I don’t understand why some people are so shocked by having separate finances.

We have a bills account which all joint bills come out of.
I earn more than DH so I pay more into the bills account.

This way if either of us wants to buy stuff for ourselves we can do without guilt.

botoxbeckons · 03/03/2018 16:39

I can't understand the concept of a family having separate finances, let alone divvying up which bits of a bathroom refurb you each choose hmm.
What's the matter with you ?
You aren't flatmates.
You have been a couple for 19 years and have a child together for goodness sake!

This.

You're a family and this is a bathroom in your family home, so I have trouble getting my head round the idea that you each pay for different bits and pieces - living like that must surely make your whole life feel like the bill split from hell, when someone always kicks off because they didn't have a drink or a pudding ...?!

It may have worked for you for almost 2 decades, but it sounds as though you're thoroughly fed up with it and this isn't the first time it's caused a problem. Pooling incomes into one family pot and allowing the person who's best with finances (you!) to oversee where it's all going sounds like a plan for an easier life to me. You each have equal access, but one of you sorts out how much is going towards debt, bills, mortgage etc, and each month you can decide between you what's left for you to spend on other stuff.

Hope you get a shower sorted (lots of online places will do really quick delivery, and if you call up you may be able to negotiate a better price over the phone).

YearOfYouRemember · 03/03/2018 16:48

I thought you'd been together a year or so reading your OP. Not 19 years!

Ooogetyooo · 03/03/2018 17:01

Why do people need to feel guilty about purchasing something for themselves when it's coming out of a joint account?

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 03/03/2018 17:05

Bathroom is necessary. It's currently the original 1970s suite, which is knackered and we plan to moved house this year. I don't think it would sell for as much in the current state.

We had the original 1930s suite for our first 15 years in this house! Horrible but it sufficed until we could afford to replace it (even then we did it ourselves).

If you are selling then yes it probably needs doing but only cheap simple basic suite and shower are needed not anything expensive.....

Bluelady · 03/03/2018 17:08

I imagine you don't particularly want forensic questioning about how you organise your finances, OP. After all it wasn't what you asked.

StaplesCorner · 03/03/2018 17:08

We've always put all our money in one account. We've hardly ever had a penny to spare so it was essential. When we had our pension lump sums last year, that went into a big pot and we drew the house refurbishment monies from it as and when. I couldn't cope any other way (and when I say "I" - DH doesn't do anything to do with finances and doesn't care but thats another story - he doesn't usually spend anything so he doesn't worry if we have no money!)