Now you fucking tell me!

[hairisbeingtorn]

New bathroom being installed next week. Not expensive as these things go, but still expensive, because these things are.

DH and I have separate money. Both self employed and work from home, one DS. So far, we have both contributed the same to the cost of the bathroom. I found the company, arranged a few quotes from different companies, looked at reviews, etc. I asked him to research which shower to have and he said he would. This was weeks ago. I've asked a few times if he's done it. He said yes, and that essentially we should get the same one we have now. We've had it quite a long time (more than 10 years). It has stopped working now, but was reliable as these things go. Fine with me. How much is it? I ask. Couple of hundred quid he says. Where shall we get it from? I ask. I've found it online he says. Ok, well we need to get it before they come to fit the bathroom, I say. This was about a month ago. Two weeks ago we met with the bathroom fitter to discuss the final spec. for the bathroom. Shower discussed 'I'll sort that out" says DH. Fine by me.

But he hasn't. I don't think he even looked in the first place. He said (just! about half an hour ago!) - after I asked (again), when the shower will be coming, "maybe we should just let the fitter bung any old shower in, I just looked online and the one we have now is £XXX" (ie a bit on the expensive side).

NOW you fucking tell me! I am already not looking forward to being essentially bathroomless for a week (we only have one bathroom and one toilet!), if it's held up because of his failure to sort this out I will be seriously pissed off. He literally HAD ONE JOB.

He's skint. So am I. We're both trying to pay down debt. However, while mine is going down, his seems to be going up. I understand he doesn't want to fork out more than necessary on a shower But why not sort it out sooner!! We have the shower and the remainder of the bathroom to pay for in the next week. I was expecting to pay for half of it - not that we've communicated about it.....

What I want, and I think I may be BU, is to properly pool our resources and for me to take control of the finances and actually get rid of the effing debt. But I'm not sure how, or if, that could work. We've been together 19 years and always had separate money. But I'm sick of this now.

When you are a married couple or together long term (20 years like the OP,) with your own house and a child; separate finances is ridiculous.

You're basically just flatmates as someone said above. And it's not a very close or good relationship IMO if you have separate finances when you are married/in LTR, and have a kid, and own a house together.

I mean why?

It's just very odd. Like @yeartoremember I thought the OP had been together for a couple of years. Not 19! Weird as fuck.

All this 'my money, your money' when you have been together that long is just bullshit. This would be a dealbreaker for me if any man decided to keep his fat wad of dosh to himself. That is what the OP's man is doing, even though he earns way more than her! Fuck that!

It's all very well telling me it's wierd peekaboo et al But how to change it? Started like that. Just didn't change (yet)

he's getting more into debt. You are both 'skint'.

if one of you can't work, do they starve?

lots of worries here, but not what was asked so...that's it, really.

I think the problem is that your H is reckless and selfish with regard to money. He claims to earn a lot, but is constantly expecting you to cover everything, and running up further debts? Is his job worth doing or is it some self-indulgent 'creative' wank that no one actually wants to pay him for? Or is it the case that he spends a lot on himself rather than contributing to household essentials? (EG lunches out all the time, expensive clothes and gadgets?) Or do you think there could be an issue with drink/drug abuse?

Why would you marry someone and not have joint finances?

Loads of reasons. Married 18 years here and always had separate finances, always will.

I’m staggered at the double standards here.

So many threads have been about how women should always have their own money in case they need to get away yet when a man keeps his own money his is dreadful.

I’ve been married 15 years. There is my money, his money and joint money.

I have trouble getting my head round the idea that you each pay for different bits and pieces - living like that must surely make your whole life feel like the bill split from hell, when someone always kicks off because they didn't have a drink or a pudding ...?!

I have trouble getting my head round attitudes like this. Surely to goodness people don't really live lives where they actually bicker with their friends over paying for puddings in restaurants, do they? Really? I don't know anyone in my social circle who behaves like that, thank god! We all have a swings-and-roundabouts approach to it - sometimes I might pay over the odds, other times I might pay less. I would imagine that anyone in the same situation as me (together for 20 years, married with two kids, completely separate finances) behaves in much the same swings-and-roundabouts fashion with the family bills. Don't they?

OP, your DH is an idiot and I can quite see why you'd want to keep your finances separate. I have traditionally paid most of the bills out of my account and DH pays a set amount by direct debit into my account each month to cover roughly his share. Would something like that work for you?

Lupiform that sounds perfect. Was your DH resistant to that change?

No, he knew something had to change. We are both much happier now!

@SimonBridges

So many double standards here. SO many threads have been about how women should always have their own money in case they need to get away yet when a man keeps his own money his is dreadful.

I know, isn't it weird, I mean it's not like 100's of different posters post on 100s of threads on here EVERY DAMN DAY! FFS, just coz dozens of women have said this, there are still 100's who haven't said it!

I have always supported joint finances, and have never said women should secretly squirrel away their own money. (Or men!) If any one of the couple is doing this, it's devious and sneaky. There would only be separate finances (in a long term relationship, and living together, and with kids) if the relationship is not great IMO.

Some people say they have a joint account AND their own separate ones that they put their 'surplus' earnings in. But I wonder what happens when one partner loses their job and has very little money. Does the other one still keep all their surplus income to themselves, and save in their account, and make their partner go without? Yes that IS what happens in some cases... I have seen it.

I know several couples where one earns less than the other - (and it's the woman earning less every time!) and she is struggling to find enough coins in her purse for her own drink in the pub, while he flashes 20 pound notes around, and puts shit loads in the slot machines and buys his mates drinks. And if they go on vacation, he buys shit loads of stuff while she struggles to buy food. Again, I have seen this happen.

I have seen this, many times. IMO: separate finances long-term = separate lives and a poor relationship. When you are early on in the relationship; yes maybe for several years, but after that no.

Even my daughter and her boyfriend have never counted the pennies, not even from day ONE. They never gave a shit if one had spent more on food or drinks or cinema tickets or popcorn or bottles of wine or a takeaway; there was no 'you owe me £3.43 from last Thursday' bullshit that I see some couples do (even after 10 or more years together.)

Keeping your money to yourself in a LTR with a home and kids together is weird and wrong and selfish of the one earning more.

@hairisbeingtorn

I'm sorry for my rant at you, I do feel bad now. And as it's been so many years I don't know how the situation CAN change. Only by talking to him and threatening to walk could things change. If he still refuses to budge, maybe he isn't worth staying with. Sorry, but from your posts, he doesn't sound like a good partner at ALL. He sounds very selfish and mean. You and your child deserve better.

If your current shower cost £XXX then I don't understand why you need to replace. Is the screen cracked?
Our bathroom cost a fortune back before DS came along. Back to a time when we seemed to have money to burn...sigh!
The plumber who fitted it charged a fortune and it leaked after a year or so. We kept just resealing until after 10yrs I'd had enough. After researching I discovered it hadn't even been fitted right (nor the sink!) I decided I couldn't make a worse job so out the shower came..in middle of winter too. Just a note here, the reason it cost so much was because every single one of the internal hard to reach screws came out as if only fitted yesterday...Quality, that's why it cost so much. A few tubes of silicone eater and lots of elbow grease it came up like new. I fitted it back after extending the tiles out as should have been done so originally.
If your suite is fine and white why the need to replace? Just replace all the plumbing for higher quality items and refit the old suite. You'll be amazed at the difference.

As I get older, I find I hate lining peoples pockets.

I know several couples where one earns less than the other - (and it's the woman earning less every time!)

I earn nearly twice my husbands wage. Perhaps that is why I see it differently.
We spilt our bills in such a way that we both have the same money left over after all the bills are paid.
We take it in turns to buy coffee, dinners out, takeaways etc.

I really object to being told my relationship isn't so great by some know it all who's never met me.

Hopefully yours will be much smother than ours. We had issues with one wall that had to have the tiles taken off and re boarded again, a bath that was practically see though round the plug hole and trades that struggled to get her due to the god damn snow.

We have a toddler and I’m 30 weeks pregnant, so it’s been an experience shall we say.

They’ve worked all day today and I have a bath, sink and loo in and the majority of the tiles are grouted - just a bit above the door to do. The extractor fan is back in so it’s not blowing a gale thorough anymore. The shower tray and unit are in and working, but no stall yet.

Tomorrow is for finishing the grouting, getting the shower stall in, silicone round the bath and shower screen and putting the radiator, cabinet, shelf, bath panel and door back on.

I have my hopes pinned on a bath tomorrow night, I’ve told them the sealing of the bath is to be the first job so it’s ready

I earn nearly twice my husbands wage. Perhaps that is why I see it differently.
We spilt our bills in such a way that we both have the same money left over after all the bills are paid.
We take it in turns to buy coffee, dinners out, takeaways etc.

Ha ha! Me too. There may be something in this.
We also split our bills in such a way as to ensure neither of us feel it is unfair. Actually I have a lot more spare cash left over than he does but we're all fine with that because a) I'm the saver in this family and b) I tend to pay for most of the treats, days out, holidays, etc. As far as takeaways and meals out go, whoever suggests it tends to pay for it.

I think people who are suspicious of this type of arrangement often think that it is a symptom of a relationship where one partner has something to hide - where there is, or should be, mistrust. That might be true in some cases, but there are a great many happy couples where this arrangement works well for the exact opposite reason - it's an indication of complete trust. It doesn't matter whether I can see what my DH spends his money on, or how much he has where, because I trust him absolutely.

OP as you are married I actually think it's okay for you to say "let's look at your debt and work out what's going on" - because his debt, legally, is yours I think? Or if you got divorced you'd lose out?

So I'd want to find out where the money was going for sure.

re bathroom and timings

I don't know about tiling etc but my friend recently did her bathroom over a weekend - she and a mate did a new bath, sink, and toilet over the Saturday and Sunday. I don't know how long tiling took her but in terms of a functioning bathroom, she was literally only lacking one for the weekend. She is not a pro bathroom fitter so I'm a bit horrified to see a pp was out one bathroom for 15 days?!

And you put up with this child-man because...?

You're basically just flatmates as someone said above. And it's not a very close or good relationship IMO if you have separate finances when you are married/in LTR, and have a kid, and own a house together

Totally disagree. I have separate finances as my husband is bad with money and I don't want that affecting my credit rating. I'm the better earner and manage my money better. We get on much better now we don't argue over money.

It's like saying if you sleep in separate beds, there's no point in being married.

Amazingly, some people have separate finances and/or separate beds, and are often happily married! Weird, huh?

Never had a joint account with dh, we were married 11 years with 2 dc, it was me that didn’t want a joint account, he was also wary after being married before and his ex spending all his money. We had roughly the same in our individual accounts, he payed half the bills and I payed half and we would take it turns to buy things we needed. Never saw it as a problem. Made it easier when things went tits up too as we both had our own money when we split.
I don’t think people should judge OP for how she deals with her finances.

Dont take on managing his debt. I did this. Consolidated all debts onto one card the plan being to bounce it from one card to another to keep getting zero interest. In a year paid off 2.5k but (ex) husband had taken out another credit card and racked up another 2.5k of debt unknown to me. Shit hit the proverbial fan and this is why he is now ex husband.

Why not both go to B&Q, Wickes or whereever together at the weekend and just select a shower together? Is it that difficult to do? Or failing that pick a website each and choose your favourite from that?
Leaving it to the plumber/fitter is daft, he will just pick the basic model from Screwfix or Travis Perkins and add an extra 20% on the price. So you will pay through the nose for something you might not like.

You need to get a set amount towards the debt from him so it’s getting paid off! Bloody cheek. What is it with men? My partner would be the same about sorting things out. So frustrating and they see nothing wrong, be v different if the other way round. Would love to know the solution. I often feel men and women are just not compatible.

What is it with men? My partner would be the same about sorting things out. So frustrating and they see nothing wrong, be v different if the other way round. Would love to know the solution.

It isn’t men. It is useless pratts. Solution - don’t marry a useless pratt. Dh has many faults but he is just as able to budget as me. I don’t do it with my breasts.

Joint or separate finances isn't the issue here, and neither is the shower.

The problem is your H lies to you. He lies about money and he lies about things he has agreed to do.

You need to see his finances. You can't move house without knowing your exact financial situation. Please don't make any plans until you know what is going on.

You should do a credit check on your H. Are you allowed one free every year?

Also, do not let him cover the mortgage alone any more. This should be a shared expense. In case of splitting up, he is the one who can claim he paid for the house. Also, since he lies about money, you do not know if the mortgage is getting paid reliably, and you don't want to end up in the street. Mortgage payments should be by direct debit, from an account you both contribute to.