Now you fucking tell me!

[hairisbeingtorn]

New bathroom being installed next week. Not expensive as these things go, but still expensive, because these things are.

DH and I have separate money. Both self employed and work from home, one DS. So far, we have both contributed the same to the cost of the bathroom. I found the company, arranged a few quotes from different companies, looked at reviews, etc. I asked him to research which shower to have and he said he would. This was weeks ago. I've asked a few times if he's done it. He said yes, and that essentially we should get the same one we have now. We've had it quite a long time (more than 10 years). It has stopped working now, but was reliable as these things go. Fine with me. How much is it? I ask. Couple of hundred quid he says. Where shall we get it from? I ask. I've found it online he says. Ok, well we need to get it before they come to fit the bathroom, I say. This was about a month ago. Two weeks ago we met with the bathroom fitter to discuss the final spec. for the bathroom. Shower discussed 'I'll sort that out" says DH. Fine by me.

But he hasn't. I don't think he even looked in the first place. He said (just! about half an hour ago!) - after I asked (again), when the shower will be coming, "maybe we should just let the fitter bung any old shower in, I just looked online and the one we have now is £XXX" (ie a bit on the expensive side).

NOW you fucking tell me! I am already not looking forward to being essentially bathroomless for a week (we only have one bathroom and one toilet!), if it's held up because of his failure to sort this out I will be seriously pissed off. He literally HAD ONE JOB.

He's skint. So am I. We're both trying to pay down debt. However, while mine is going down, his seems to be going up. I understand he doesn't want to fork out more than necessary on a shower But why not sort it out sooner!! We have the shower and the remainder of the bathroom to pay for in the next week. I was expecting to pay for half of it - not that we've communicated about it.....

What I want, and I think I may be BU, is to properly pool our resources and for me to take control of the finances and actually get rid of the effing debt. But I'm not sure how, or if, that could work. We've been together 19 years and always had separate money. But I'm sick of this now.

You can't do a credit check on somebody else.

Also, do not let him cover the mortgage alone any more. This should be a shared expense. In case of splitting up, he is the one who can claim he paid for the house. Also, since he lies about money, you do not know if the mortgage is getting paid reliably, and you don't want to end up in the street. Mortgage payments should be by direct debit, from an account you both contribute to.
Sorry but the above is nonsense. The most important thing is that you are both on the deeds of the house. Who pays the mortgage matters a bit, but who is on the deeds matters more, as does the fact that it's home for you both as well as your DC

Ha ha very funny. No I’m not talking about budgeting actually my partner is much better at budgeting than me. I was talking about promsing to do things then brushing things off when they forget as they don’t like to look silly.

No!!! Do not pool your finances if you are better than he is! Are youi crazy?? He is not your child. He's a grown man with a problem. He's responsible for himself. If you take over, he'll use your money too.

As things stand, the OP pays for things that will not improve her credit rating. She pays for food and clothes and DS's activities. He pays for mortgage and utilities. She needs to have some of that in her name. Otherwise he gets the credit rating benefit of paying those charges and she gets nothing, not even the peace of mind that comes with knowing they are really being paid.

She knew a few years ago that her H had a worse credit rating than hers, so maybe he had agreed to let her see his? Maybe he would let her see it again if so, and she might get some idea of whether his debt really isn't going down, and if that's the case, ask why. She needs to see that credit rating before they go ahead with buying a house together. She should have had a handle on exactly what their finances were before deciding on the bathroom redo.

He says he earns more than her, brags about how much cash he has coming in, yet depends on her overdraft to pay the mortgage, and she pays off two 'joint' loans... This woman is being screwed. She is taking the overdraft hit while she does not know where his money is going, what exactly his business overheads are, or how his debt is not going down.

I would be worried if he earns more than you and he asks you to pay the mortgage when he can’t...

Now you are planning to move house! Do you have any idea how much that can cost and you are still paying off debt! Or are you hoping to have a huge surplus from the sale to fix your finances with. If your partner is known to be likely to put things off, why ask him to do things in the first place. Just tell him you are doing xxxxx ask for his contribution before you place a definite order to eleviate your stress in these situations. If this is what it's like with a shower, good luck to you on moving house

oh I feel your pain.

This is about you not me so I won't list out the times I have been put in the same situation.

I will just go an lie down for a while

Honey, he's already told you what to expect. Just because he didn't communicate clearly in the way that you would have doesn't account for anything. Wishful thinking/hoping that despite evidence to the contrary he's going to step up does not a happy bunny make. Take charge or let go. Expecting leads to disappointment. And yes, talk to him about you taking charge of finances - you're obviously more able - this is what's known as pooling (terrible potential pun) resources, good luck!

Am married to a lovely man. However, he will avoid telling me stuff he knows will upset me. And he forgets to do things. However, I married him with my eyes wide open. I wouldn't rely on him for stuff like that. It doesn't make him a bad person though, just a disorganized one.

Are you writing from the 1950s?

My partner and I were going to open a joint 'house' account when we moved in together but the bank wouldn't let us because we had both (obviously) just changed address. We therefore just divided up bills. 3 years and a house later we just haven't bothered. We don't argue about anything, if I pop to the shop for something I pay, and vice versa. I'd rather we each had our own current accounts as whilst I'm confident that he is not as financially irresponsible as my ex-husband, I still like to know exactly where I am. I completely lost control of the finances when I was married and couldn't stop my ex spending money on credit that we couldn't afford.

He’s probably gambling - bet you’d see some of those transactions if he let you see the detail.

God why are people so rude? There's nothing weird about separate finances. Personally I find one joint account weird - like you're not an individual, you're a Family.
I like spending £20 on mascara if I want and buying dh a birthday present where he doesn't see the transaction. I like sending money to my daughter if I feel like it.

The thought of having all my finances in the same place as my husband's actually brings me out in a cold sweat! Why on Earth would you want your husband to see every single purchase you make - and what do you do about buying them gifts if they can see what it all cost? I really would feel I'd lost my independence if it was all completely shared! DH and I have a joint account that we each pay a set monthly amount into for mortgage, utilities, food shop etc. If we want to pay for something out of the joint account out of the ordinary, like a new sofa, then we agree it first. Often we'll buy something from it and then pay in from personal accounts to cover it (eg a holiday). Our personal accounts are each our own. I don't have anything particular to hide from him but I would absolutely hate the thought of him seeing every single transaction. Shudder! Having said that, your DH is clearly hiding something due to all the other signs you've given. I can completely understand a lack of trust but if you push for complete control of finances he will probably just find a way to deceive you.