To feel like this isn't quite right?

[NomsQualityStreets]

I am prepared to be told IBU.

Trying to cut a long story short.
DP and I have separate finances at the moment.
I work PT and cover groceries and my car insurance (all I can afford). Everything else is down to him. We have 2 DCs and I do the majority of the childcare as DP has a much higher earning potential.

We are currently renovating our house (out of necessity) and have had to take out a substantial loan in order to get all the work done.

We have been making plans to visit my family abroad as we have recently had DC2 and my DGM is too ill to travel here and I know she can't wait to meet him. She's 86 and her health is rapidly getting worse. I've not been to visit for a year.

DP has recently said that due to the renovation costs he doesn't think we will be able to travel there this year. Around the same time I got some unexpected money from a family member and have told DP about it saying we can use it towards the flights. It's not much but can potentially cover the whole cost or at least the majority of the cost of the flights.
He has now said it would be good if I could use the money for one of the tradesmen we have working here, I pointed out that we didn't account for this cash injection and he countered saying we haven't accounted for the full cost of renovations

He knows it's important for me to go this year.
He's has been trying to say it will cost us a lot of money for the full trip but I reminded him that when we are over there we don't really have any expenses unless we want to nip out for a bite to eat in town or buy a few bits (all optional extras) as my family provide accommodation and all meals etc.

AIBU to think he's being weird and unfair asking me to put this money towards renovations we would have had done regardless of receiving it?

P.s. We apparently can't afford to visit my family (mainly DGM who might not be around for much longer) but we can afford a 600-700 holiday he is wanting to plan for us in May.

How difficult - I can understand why you might want to visit your GM at this stage of her life. Cn he see this?

Sounds like he doesn't want to go and is using any excuse possible

Go without him?

If it’s your money then spend it how you want. Go to see your grandmother.

Too late for you, but this is why having babies and working part time is a bad idea unless you’re a good earner/married. You’ve left yourself very vulnerable financially.

He doesn’t want to go. Use some of the money for your and kids travel, and put some towards the renovations.

I can see both points of view to be honest. Could you take the baby over to see your DGM for a short period?

Your DH is, quite rightly, being practical and thinking about the roof over your head and you're, quite rightly, thinking about your family.

It's a difficult one.

Life is short and precious. Visit your Grandmother. If you don’t and never get to see her again, the resentment could be terminal for your relationship.

In ten years you’re not going to care about a tradesman cost, but you will still miss your grandmother. And your DP should get this.

So am I right in thinking he assumes the final say because he earns more? With 2 dc it shouldn't be just you worrying about money. And he should grasp why your wider family are important to you. He is selfish imo.

Go on your own or with the kids and find a way to finance it yourself.

Go without him. I would pay a lot to see my much missed grandmother again. You don't get that time back. Some things are worth spending money on.

Is it a long flight? If you think you can cope, I would just tell him that you will never forgive yourself if you don't go to let yoyr DGM meet DC2, then book it for yourself and the DC. At least that will only be 2 flights (if you're holding the baby)?

If it's Australia though, maybe not?

@fortywinksfortyblinks but if I didn't receive the unexpected money we would have still had to pay for the renovations regardless.
And it's not a huge amount like I said, to put it in context it makes up about 1/30th of the costs of the renovation, if that.

I would really struggle to go on my own as we have a toddler and a 4month old baby. I don't know how I would manage a flight with them.

Use the money to go see your family. Might be the last chance you get to see your DGM.

I think neither are being unreasonable. You have different priorities. I think you need to make it very clear how important it is to you that dgm gets to meet your dc, and that the opportunity might not be there when you’re more solvent.

I think if he wasn't thinking of spending 500-600 on a holiday in May then YABU but as he said no travel and yet this other holiday would cost money I would say you want to prioritise YOUR windfall to see your DGM.

Your finances are separate so this is a good time to discuss changing this and a jointly paid for renovations benefit you both (add value to your shared house?) but you are entitled to spend your money as you wish.

You've said the renovations are necessary. So I'm assuming that means that your house is going to cease to be habitable if you don't do them asap? The fact that you have unexpected money just means that a bill that would go unpaid / on a credit card can now be paid for in full. Logically it sounds like this is best use of the money, however logic doesn't come into the importance of family relations.

TBH if it were me, I'd sit down with DH to look at the finances of the renovation and the money needed for flights and look for ways that you can make both happen. If you work PT can you take on extra hours/ work a second job? Is there anything you can cut back on?

erm can afford a holiday in may but cant see your gm

nah hes trying to say he doesnt want to go how selfish

I think he's right bar the summer holiday, you've had to take a loan out so any unexpected money should go towards the costs or into savings.

If it means so much to you you could up your hours and help with the house costs as buying just the food isn't much. It all rests with him.

YANBU, use the money to all go and see your DGM and use the £600-£700 to pay for some of the renovation costs. It sounds as if this would be a good time to discuss finances in general, especially as:

"he countered saying we haven't accounted for the full cost of renovations"

Go and visit your grandmother, you will manage, you will have help on the plane. Seriously you will regret not going. He is being thoughtless, selfish and stupid!

Your DGM is 86, I'd go. I'm sure there are some none essential things on the renovation list that you can forgo.

Could you combine the visit with a holiday?

Go and see your GM. Tell him you’re not bothered about the holiday in May, but you are going to see your GM.

Put the baby in a sling & get some reins for your toddler and you’ll be fine. It’s only the airport/flight as you have family at the other end.

YANBU and this is not quite right

He doesn't want to go and will keep pulling reasons out his arse for why he can't go. Doesn't matter how well you counter his arguments. he's already decided he's not going.

Use your money to go and visit your DGM yourself with the kids and leave him at home.

Go visit your dgm with the dc, seriously fuck him, renovations and holidays. I know I'd regret massively if I didn't do the same.