Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this isn't quite right?

57 replies

NomsQualityStreets · 02/03/2018 19:24

I am prepared to be told IBU.

Trying to cut a long story short.
DP and I have separate finances at the moment.
I work PT and cover groceries and my car insurance (all I can afford). Everything else is down to him. We have 2 DCs and I do the majority of the childcare as DP has a much higher earning potential.

We are currently renovating our house (out of necessity) and have had to take out a substantial loan in order to get all the work done.

We have been making plans to visit my family abroad as we have recently had DC2 and my DGM is too ill to travel here and I know she can't wait to meet him. She's 86 and her health is rapidly getting worse. I've not been to visit for a year.

DP has recently said that due to the renovation costs he doesn't think we will be able to travel there this year. Around the same time I got some unexpected money from a family member and have told DP about it saying we can use it towards the flights. It's not much but can potentially cover the whole cost or at least the majority of the cost of the flights.
He has now said it would be good if I could use the money for one of the tradesmen we have working here, I pointed out that we didn't account for this cash injection and he countered saying we haven't accounted for the full cost of renovations Confused

He knows it's important for me to go this year.
He's has been trying to say it will cost us a lot of money for the full trip but I reminded him that when we are over there we don't really have any expenses unless we want to nip out for a bite to eat in town or buy a few bits (all optional extras) as my family provide accommodation and all meals etc.

AIBU to think he's being weird and unfair asking me to put this money towards renovations we would have had done regardless of receiving it?

P.s. We apparently can't afford to visit my family (mainly DGM who might not be around for much longer) but we can afford a 600-700 holiday he is wanting to plan for us in May.

OP posts:
TooManyMiles · 02/03/2018 20:31

as buying just the food isn't much............................and what about the £1000 she saves him in childcare every month? And the other £ssssss worth of unpaid things she probably does?

How long would the flight be OP?

Maryann1975 · 02/03/2018 20:31

I wish I could see my late grandfather again. We knew he was going to die and I saw him the day before he passed away and it still do3nt feel it was enough. Go and see your family. You can earn more money but grandparents won’t always be there to visit.

It doesn’t matter how much you earn, you are meant to be a partnership and a family and if you think it is a good use of family money, you are entitled to it (and visiting extended family is a good use of it, imagine you are the grandparent, you’d want to meet your littlest grandchild I’m sure).

Your husband is being really selfish about this and I think long term you will resent him if you don’t make the trip.

munchingonchocs · 02/03/2018 20:33

I would go and see your GM and wouldn't need to think twice about it if I was in your shoes. Your GM is far more important than material things. It's your money!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/03/2018 20:34

Well I can see both sides. There is a limited budget for holidays. He doesn’t want to spend it on a trip to your family (to be fair, it won’t be much of a holiday for him) if it means sacrificing his own family holiday. On the other hand the trip is important to you as you want to see your DGM whilst you still can.

Given your windfall wasn’t in the original budget, YWNBU if you could fit the cost of your own trip within this. If not, you might have to think of a way to make up the difference without compromising your holiday budget. Is there anything you could delay or sacrifice in your reno work? Eg lower budget finish?

If pushed you could manage without him on the trip and save some money that way. Expecting him to come too at the expense of his own holiday is a bit unfair.

MatildaTheCat · 02/03/2018 20:52

Has his family met your new baby? In my family we have members who originated from other countries and visiting their families is a requirement not a luxury. And also, preferably, not the only holiday. So go. No question and make it a rule that you go every year. You, your dc and your family deserve that.

In regard to the renovations, be careful if you don’t have a substantial contingency budget. Rennovations always cost more than planned, sometimes by a great deal. So watch that very carefully.

iBiscuit · 02/03/2018 20:59

YANBU

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 02/03/2018 21:01

He just doesn't want to go (which is fair enough - most men would chew their own leg off to avoid visiting the in-laws). I would go without him, and bring the baby at least.

Suggest that his planned holiday may be unaffordable, and see if he finds a way to pay the workmen without using your family windfall.

ReturnfromtheStars · 02/03/2018 21:07

It depends on where you are going to. I've traveled with a toddler and a 4 month old and although it was exhausting, it was fine and worth it to see family.

Original poster
NomsQualityStreets · 03/03/2018 09:35

Thanks for all the replies.

We had another chat yesterday, he got a bit frustrated and said that I don't know how much this will all be (renovations) and we can't "do it all" and I don't seem to understand it. I pointed out that I probably don't know as I don't get to see our finances. I also showed him some flights I found which the money I received would cover fully so he wouldn't have to put anything towards them.

We ended up agreeing to prioritise the trip to see my DGM this year and just have a weekend away rather than going on a holiday as he said we won't afford both. That's ok with me I wasn't exactly determined to have a big holiday especially with DC2 being so little.

But it frustrated me as I felt he was insinuating I just expect things all the time without a grasp on what we can afford and that I get annoyed when it doesn't happen. I'm thinking of how to broach this with him.

But just to point out what gets me a bit.

  • DP says we can't afford to see DGM
  • money for trip shows up unexpectedly
  • DP wants to put the money towards renovations instead but still go on a £500+ holiday elsewhere
  • I question the use of received money and point out it can cover the trip to DGM and he won't have to put anything towards it
  • DP agrees we travel to see DGM but decides we can't have a holiday as a family now as won't be able to afford it, even thought he won't have to put anything towards the DGM trip and was budgeting for the family holiday and his situation hasn't changed...

It sometimes feels like he's trying to teach me lessons.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/03/2018 10:23

I think it sounds like you both need to start being involved in budgeting for everything.

One pot for day to day expenses - food, mortgage, essential clothing, commute costs, a personal equal allowance each for optional spends. Everything else in the renovation and trips pot. Joint decisions on how to spend that money in terms of priorities etc.

Thanks he sounds like he thinks he knows best and little wife shouldn't bother herself with it!

Original poster
NomsQualityStreets · 03/03/2018 10:34

Thanks @RandomMess I'm just getting my back up more and more I think.

He's always making notions how he wants finances to be joint but it's never materialised. He has said he just needs to get everything in order as they are all complicated before we can put everything in one pot, it sounds a bit like stalling - what can be so complicated?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/03/2018 10:37

He is stalling, tell him this weekend is the time to do it, as you are fed up of his comments.

Does he have any hobbies etc that cost money?

Maybeicanhelp · 03/03/2018 10:41

I can see that you have agreed your trip, and that's great OP.

My DD was able to take her little one to see her much loved Nan before she died, and has such lovely memories and precious photos of that time. Now she has baby number 2 and the opportunity has gone for her to make those same lovely memories again.

In the grand scheme of things, the cost of your flights versus your renovations is insignificant, regardless of your windfall.

You are doing the right thing.

honeylulu · 03/03/2018 10:41

I can see both sides though I think your husband was/is a wally for planning a £700 holiday when you already have so much debt. Your windfall aside, I think the holiday is a foolhardy idea. (I can see your logic though that it's odd he sees fit to cancel it now when he hasn't factored in the windfall, do you sense that there might be an element of "punishing" you?)

I completely understand why you want to visit your grandmother and if it's possible you should. Is there a compromise? Can you go with just DC1 and leave DC2 with partner? This might also have the welcome effect of highlighting the value of the hard work you do caring for the children which he might not see until he does it himself.

You would then have some leftover from the windfall to put towards renovations. I can see why your husband thinks it's unfair that he pays for most family expenses but when you get some money if your own you want to spend it on what you want. My MIL was like that - FIL shared all his income with her as she didn't work but once she got a substantial inheritance from her parents she referred to it as "her" money and made clear it would not be shared.

I do think your partner needs to be open with you about family finances though. It's rather snide to say you "expect everything" but if he keeps you in the dark then hire will you know what you can afford unless you ask?

WitchDancer · 03/03/2018 10:47

This is ringing alarm bells to me - is there debts that you don't know about? I'm wondering if he's used some of the loan money to service those?

You need to see the accounts, everything and fast

RedSkyAtNight · 03/03/2018 10:49

It sounds to me as if the renovation has cost more than originally expected and DH is scrabbling round to find extra money. I'm not sure why curtailing the family holiday is "teaching you a lesson" when you were not the one that wanted it and don't sound that keen on it. It sounds like that would have been on the cards anyway before you received your unexpected money. And if you have no sight of finances, then DH is right! You have no idea what you (as a family) can afford or not. Regardless of whether your family finances are joint or separate you really should understand how much money your family has coming and and what your outgoings are.

GiraffeCat · 03/03/2018 11:36

I pointed out that I probably don't know as I don't get to see our finances.

This is ringing alarm bells for me - you don't get to see? Why don't you? Even if your finances aren't fully joint (yet?) then you should still be fully involved in them, with him and you both making the effort to involve the other.

Whose name is everything in? Are you ok the deeds to the house, mortgage etc?

It could be nothing, it just feels like you're in a vulnerable position.

Ellendegeneres · 03/03/2018 11:57

Op do the trip.
My ds 1 never met my sis- she was very poorly and it was impossible to arrange. She died before I had ds2. I would give absolutely anything to go back and change that. Like, I’d give everything.
Don’t let that be you

Original poster
NomsQualityStreets · 03/03/2018 12:25

@redsky one thing I want to point out is that I'm not asking for random stuff all the time. I was expecting to go visit my DGM as me and DP discussed it before DC2 was born, a few weeks after, and it's been getting brought up on and off ever since with DP saying we will go and see them and almost booking flights last week. So even though I didn't see the finances I think I was OK to think we can afford it considering the notions he was making.
I feel a little like he's trying to teach a lesson because he thought I was really looking forward to the holiday he was looking at.

He has always been odd about finances but I think it's because he earns a lot more than average but due to past debts most of it goes out on repaying them. I think he doesn't want me to see the figures he's earning and think we've got all this money when we don't really IYKWIM.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 03/03/2018 12:31

I can see why he is stalling, he's currently paying for everything bar food so his salary is family money in your eyes but any extra you get is yours to spend how you please. It's your choice of break, your choice of working few hours. It's all very one sided.

He's left to shoulder the costs of the house renovation as you aren't helping with that and given you are not married if it all goes pear shaped unless he was sensible and protected this investment he stands to lose a lot.

There was a thread recently re a man and his bonus, approx 99% of people agreed it should be seen as family money yet when it's a woman's cash it's a whole different tale.

RandomMess · 03/03/2018 12:39

@YellowMakesMeSmile think you're reading a different thread...

OP does the bulk of childcare, family money is paying off DH past debts, OP spends her wage on family costs???

He is being cagey and for that alone I think you need full access and full shared responsibility going forwards.

snewsname · 03/03/2018 12:44

It's not fair or right that you don't know what you can or can't afford. I'd have an issue with that.
Tell him you know the figures aren't going tho be pretty with the debt etc but you need to see them anyway. Try not to comment from the past but make sure you have an equal say going forward.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 03/03/2018 13:16

*@YellowMakesMeSmile think you're reading a different thread...

OP does the bulk of childcare, family money is paying off DH past debts, OP spends her wage on family cost*

No reading the same thread. The OP says all she covers is food and her own car insurance. She's parenting, it's not childcare any more than men claiming they babysit their own children Hmm His salary alone is paying his debts as well as every other expense bar food the household has.

RandomMess · 03/03/2018 13:38

But that is ALL her money, what is her DH spending ALL his money on? She has no idea...

TooManyMiles · 03/03/2018 13:38

She's parenting, it's not childcare
It is childcare Yellow.
If she went back to full time work, the cost of childcare for far fewer hours than she is probably doing would be enormous.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread